Boundary Buddies

I have a really hard time setting boundaries at work. I am a token overachiever, type A, OCD human and I find it almost impossible to detach from that. I can finally say that at this point in my life, I am unwilling to priotize work above all else. My personal time & life matters to me so much. Work doesn’t define me and I am not defined by my work.

Now that I’m starting a new job, I want to set expectations and bnoundaries in advance and avoid burning myself out. The only way I’ve determine that can be done is with the help of a boundary buddy. Or an accountability partner? Whatever term you use, I’m getting one.

My boundary buddy actually suggested this to me. She saw my anxiety over getting myself in another situation where I feel the need to prove myself and forget to set boundaries and she said you’re too old for this and it’s not happening this time around. We also deeply connect on a spiritual level and understand each other and whatb we want in life.

And thus the boundary buddy was born.

We have set biweekly check ins with each other to ensure that I’m sticking with my new plan. We also talk about things we both struggle with between work, love and life because that’s what buds do - they help each other.

For me — the focus right now is boundary setting.

Having someone checking in and calling me out on my actions is really important. It keeps me accountable and to be honest, I don’t want to let her down because she believes in me and a well rounded life.

I get that being a grown woman and having someone else keep me accountable seems a bit off. But I deeply struggle with boundaries and if I’m left to my own devices, no boundaries will be set. I need a coach and an accountability buddy to get me in the groove and on the right track.

The hope is that eventually I’ll be able to set boundaries and hold to them on my own.

Moral of the stroy today? Sometimes life is really hard. Sometimes we struggle greatly with aspects of it. Sometimes we need a little help.

That’s brave. And that’s progress. Saying I can’t do this on my own, please help me is the scariest and bravest thing I have ever done. The fact that I’m even at this point is something I attribute to a mix of therapy, medication and doing the damn work.

I am one independent babe, but needing help isn’t shameful, it’s recognizing that life is meant to be done in teams. And I want to be on a winning one.

Loyalty

I am inherently loyal.  But not regular loyal, ride or die don't ask questions loyal.  The problem is, that generally extends to every aspect of my life.  And realistically, that's not how life works.

It's extremely critical to have limits to loyalty.  To understand the places loyalty is important and where I should extend my loyalty to myself.  More often than not, being this loyal is a rarity.  Most people understand the boundaries and maintain loyalty in a healthy way.  Me being me - I'm extra about it.

Being loyal to the max can cause me to often be hurt by people and situations and that's on me.

For example - in the workplace, I often feel I owe something to someone and will take less than I'm worth, work too hard and overall lack proper work/life boundaries.  

In my personal life - I give too much of my time, energy, and sometimes physical resources for people who just aren't willing to do the same for me.  

The result of this is that I am drained, disappointed, and anxious.  All of which could be avoided if I learn boundaries.

Something my therapist has been teaching me is saying no.  No explanation.  Just no.  As simple as that seems, that's just not easy for me.  It's not out of a need to people please.  It's out of loyalty and a feeling that it's my job to be everything to everyone.  

Real talk - I'm not a superhero, I can't do it all.  It's arrogant and naive to think I can.

Many times when a situation is uncomfortable or an avenue in which my loyalty is being taken advantage of - I can feel it in my gut.  I know it's happening.  I know saying yes will only bring me anxiety and regret.  And yet, I say yes.

But what I've learned is I've allowed my loyalty to control me so much I am literally burning myself out to the point of exhaustion.  I have no other choice but to make a change or it's about to be Britney Spears 2007 in my world.

Saying no in principle seems super easy.  In practice, it's weird.  It's awkward.  It gives me the hives.  

So I'm starting small.  Like really small.  Things you probably think and do every single second of the day and you're like "this girl is bananas for not doing this."  But no judgment zone people.   

I'm saying no to plans.  No to helping people.  No to situations that don't aid in my health.  

And the guilt for that is mad real.  But in the end, what other choice do I have?  Why should my happiness and health take a backseat to anyone else?

If you're struggling with the same issues, may I suggest some small steps for starting your journey to living loyalty in a healthy way?

  • Practice saying no.  Don't want to meet a friend for dinner?  Don't.  And don't give an explanation.  
  • Make plans for yourself.  And don't cancel on yourself.

That's it.  But if you're like me, those are two really huge places to start and will provide you enough of a challenge that it won't come easy.  

And my sequins, remind yourselves that YOU are deserving of the loyalty you so freely give to everyone and everything in your world.  You owe it to yourself to give loyalty to your mental and physical health and most of all loyatly to living your best, happiest life.

Boundaries?

if you were to look up type A personality in the dictionary, you would see a flawless photo of ME.  And at work, I am even worse.

I am constantly overachieving, I have issues letting go of projects, and I'm always volunteering for more.  Because of that, I have no boundaries.

I get myself in these overworked, no work life balance situations and think NOT AGAIN WHY ME?! But if we are being honest - it's kind of my own fault.

Its so wonderful to be the go to rock star at work, and it feeds into the idea that you need to keep saying yes - but if you don't set boundaries you're going to find yourself saying no to YOU.

Boundaries are critical to maintaining your value in the workplace (honey don't allow yourself to do the most without getting your worth) and they're critical to preventing burnout. 

I know Sequins - here comes the part where I make another effing list. We get it I'm type A and making neat little lists, that's really not going to help the problem. Step one, admitting the problem, step two, creating a list about the problem - er, right?

Boundaries. I don't have any and I need them.  So what's a girl to do?

Recognize what boundaries are

I need to start realizing what's my role, and what is exceeding expectations and being a boss babe without overstepping into someone else' space.  It's understanding I don't have to say yes to everything to be successful.  I can simply own my own projects, make them amazing, and create that balance between work rock star and having time for personal life excellence too. 

Understand the importance of boundaries to my life

I have made a very serious commitment to work life balance.  I've spent the majority of 10 years working too much and putting my career first.  When I say that I don't want that life anymore, that balance is what matters to me, I mean it.  And anything that threatens my ability to have a happy healthy personal life, it's a deal breaker.  That being said, I'm in an industry that demands a lot on my life.  So I understand when I say I need boundaries, that could come with reprocussions.  It could mean a company values work horse over my talent.  I have to be willing to accept the consequences of setting the boundaries I have chosen to set. 

Put the boundaries in place

Im at the point that I'm well aware of the times I need to stay in my lane. I know when I should walk away, shut up - and mind my own business. But type A Ashley she taps me on the shoulder and she's saying "Hey Babe but we could just quickly involve ourselves in this one, promise it will be no big deal" and then I'm stuck on a project that is sucking my soul out all day.  I know my weakness, it's being able to act or rather don't act that's my problem.  So this is where I start small.  I leave work early.  I don't answer emails after 5 (fine 6).  I refuse to talk about work after work.   

Stand firm

I've got boundaries now.  I'm actively working to create a balance and separation and keep my unicorn in my own lane.  But now I need to go big and vocalize the boundaries and push back when they're tested.  I know I work hard. I know I deliver some damn good results. And I know that whenever I'm asking for boundaries, they're reasonable and professional.  It's time to speak up, stick to my guns, and be prepared for whatever comes next

I will always be type A and I will always struggle with when go let go of the reigns at work.  I realize that a lot of my complaints about my career are well within my control. If you're struggling with your work life, consider setting boundaries and communicating with your leadership what those boundaries mean to you.  The best companies understand that the best employees have a balance and maintain reasonable boundaries when it comes to work.  And if you're somewhere that you can't set boundaries, you may want to consider changing your situation.