I’m about to be 35 in a couple months.
When I was 16, 35 to me was the time in which I would be married, have 2.5 kids, a house in the suburbs and a bitchin car in the driveway.
My 35 doesn’t look like that.
Having spent the last 5 years redefining what I thought my future was supposed to be has been a journey. It’s been a whole lot of unlearning societal expectations, struggling with those milestones not reached, and realizing that a lot of the things I thought I wanted were in fact just things I thought we did as adults.
And now, as I come upon an age that seemed about 1,000 yeas away, I feel like a fake adult.
I’m doing all the things society tells you to do when it comes to being an adult. I have a great job, I’m paying my bills, I’m not committing wild crimes. I generally make it through the day without any trouble.
All the things on paper, I’m out here doing them.
Internally though, I feel 25. I feel like there’s so many of the things I’m not checking off. I’m not married. I don’t have kids (nor any real desire right now to have any), I don’t own a house. Did buy myself the bitchin new car though.
All in all, you’d look at me and say yes queen, adult away, B+ on Wednesdays but all other days you’re easily an A- or better. Keep up the good work and check back in at 36.
I would be lying if I didn’t say the society fairy doesn’t check in with me once in awhile to be like hey girl, just wanted to point out that we generally expect xy and z at this age so you’re late and we want you to know we sent a memo to everyone else in the world letting them know.
When that society fairy comes through I do allow her to sit there a little longer than I should. I do let her poke me with doubts and sometimes I even let her toss me down a spiral of shame and fear.
Yet most days, most days I think to myself, maybe we are all just fake adults.
Maybe the woman living the life I thought I was supposed to at 35 is sitting here thinking she’s fake adulting because she doesn’t have it all together like she thought she would.
Maybe the high powered career babe is thinking shes a fake adult because everyday she doubts herself and how she got to where she did.
Maybe the single Sex & the City Samantha babe living her NYC dream also feels like a fake because she’s thriving in her womanhood but doesn’t know how to turn on the stove in her penthouse.
I sort of think maybe we are all fake adults who spend each day just trying to make it out alive. I believe that society puts all these rules and expectations and marketing and says ok you guys, go out there and be this adult today! And then next week, you also have to do it while running a marathon and writing a novel! And if you don’t do it all, you’ve failed and we will send your society fairy to remind you.
So yea, maybe I am a fake adult because I don’t have a husband, 2.5 kids, and a house in the suburbs. Maybe some days I have cheese for dinner. Maybe some weeks I wear the same shorts 5 days in a row. Maybe I spend too much time watching teen romantic comedies and swooning while also judging the characters for not being badass enough. And maybe at the end of the day, I still pay all my bills, feed my dog, do the laundry, create meaningful relationships, exercise, and laugh.
And just maybe, that’s what being an adult is anyways. It’s faking it until you make it. And maybe, we are all just a whole bunch of fake adults smiling at each other when we are really thinking “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing either.” And maybe we should just say that to each other more.