You and Only You

Stop expecting you from other people.

I say this to myself about 100 times a day. I sincerely struggle with the fact that not everyone at work and in life meets my effort, sincerity, and compassion.

I work really hard, I care a lot about being aware of others, I care a lot in general. I sit here and I’m like I don’t give any fucks, but I do, I give all of them.

Truth is, not everyone else does. Some people are OK existing in a status quo. They are less aware of what others think and feel. And that makes me insane.

But I can’t change it.

There really is nothing wrong with people who exist in a level of bare minimum. It’s not actively rude or bad, but to those of us who exist in the consistent level of striving for excellence; it is the absolute worst.

Learning to remind myself that it is unrealistic and unfair to expect ME in other people is one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. I actively struggle with this every single day, all day long. It has caused me heartache, hurt feelings, and misplaced anger because I really do not comprehend that other people do not share my values.

I know I’m not the only person who struggles with this idea that the way we are is not a standard expectation in society. People are not required to exist on that next level.

So how do you stop yourself from going crazy?

First, you have to remind yourself to set realistic expectations when interacting with the everyday human. You’re going to have to do this a lot throughout the day. And realize this isn’t about you. How others choose to live, is their own choice. It is not about you.

Second, you have a responsibility to be up front about your needs when it comes to your personal relationships. With a partner, friend, or family member - let them know what matters to you in a relationship. If you need them to commit more, say so. But realize that you may lose people in your life because they cannot match your efforts. Figure out what matters more, keeping them in your life or having them meet your expectations. Because they are not required to meet those expectations, it is not wrong for them not to.

Lastly - I think at work it’s worth singling out that you only need to worry about you. Not everyone is an overachiever. Stay in your lane. If it isn’t affecting your ability to do your job, it’s not your business. By nature, I want to take on more, grow, and push the limits of being the best. I have absolutely allowed the fact that others don’t do the same to frustrate me. I’ve allowed myself to get involved in things that aren’t my business. And now I’m actively removing myself from those equations. Because that’s on me.

My greatest weakness is that I do not fully comprehend not everyone is me. What I need to do is realize that my superpower is that nobody else is me.

Whatever is your biggest flaw can become your biggest asset. It’s all about how you choose to harness it. For years I let my expectations of others cripple me but now I use it to help me grow.

Have expectations, but don’t let them define your life. Expect the best but don’t be broken by the worst. Hold others to a higher standard, but don’t dictate the standards they choose for themselves.

You - and only you - are responsible for what you give and get out of life. Act accordingly.

Missed Opportunities

I am certain I have already met my husband. A few times.

The thing is, I don’t believe in soulmates. And I know that I have met at least two, maybe three men I could have married and had a perfectly wonderful life with. Sincerely. Not even an OK life with one, a really amazing life.

Yet timing is everything. And I’m not sure at those stages in my life, I would have been ready for that level of commitment.

And lately it has me wondering, just how many opportunities do you get in life to miss out on your happily ever after?

I don’t subscribe to what is meant to be is yours. I firmly believe we are active participants in our stories and timing can play a role, but you also have to be the lead character in order to secure your storybook ending.

I take full ownership for the fact that I was unable to make commitments to these men when they were presented to me as possible ever afters. Two of them are married, happily. And I root for them so much because they are good people. Their spouses are some of the best women. I actively cheer for them.

And yet at 33, I wonder, is my story going to be that I missed my opportunity for a leading man?

Growing up, I had the vision that I’d get married, have 2.5 children - do all the things we are taught to do. And yet, the older I get, the more I find that vision might not be what I really want.

I’m not willing to compromise. I don’t want to be the 50% statistic that ends in divorce. I don’t want to wait for a significant other when I could be out making my own adventure. I don’t think I want to ever be pregnant. I think about adopting.

I love the idea of doing life with a partner. But I also have started to think about life as my own partner.

The fact is I don’t like online dating. I don’t want to spend my time chasing men or waiting in places I think they’ll be at. I want to continue to grow, travel, smile, laugh, and make the most out of what time I have on this Earth. And if someone comes along and fits into that, I’m open to it.

Being 33 and single, it can feel hard. It can feel shameful. It’s a society that teaches you the end goal is to build a life together, check off all the boxes.

Some of us have different boxes we’d like to check off.

I’d like to encourage you to do what works for you. And only you.

We all miss opportunities. But I think we create new ones by choosing to see those original opportunities as cards we chose not to draw.

Burden to Bear

I have had a very full life.  Lots of twists and turns.  I've experienced my fair share of the highs and lows.  And while I think that's relative considering a lot of people go through a lot of things, I have been told I carry a lot of baggage.  

Somewhere along the line in life, I developed baggage as a negative connotation.  And because of my baggage, I've built a wall because I don't want to burden anyone else with my baggage.

That all sounds very simple, but for someone who isn't the most in tune with my feelings, this is a big revelation.  

I started to think back to relationships and friendships and quickly realized I push people away, I'm slow to trust, and I pick people that aren't the right fit.  

I've known some of my best friends for 20+ years and very few of them know some of the pieces of me that make me who I am.

I've dated perfectly wonderful men and found every excuse in the book to walk away, quite often leaving the state entirely.

Certainly I'm not the only human who carries a colorful past.  So what is it about carrying these burdens that makes us feel like they're only ours to carry?  And why do we feel like the people who love us can't carry part of that weight for us?

I have a fear of being let down. I am also starting to realize I may feel some self consciousness for the things I have dealt with in life and worry that the people important to me won't want to stay in my world because of them.  So instead of sharing my story with the people who matter the most, I internalize and I carry these burdens alone.

What I think we fail to realize when we don't share our puzzle pieces with others is that it can be very hurtful to those people.  When you share the parts of you that make you who you are, you're giving a lot of trust to that person.  You're saying I value you, I want you to know who I am and I respect the relationship we are building.  

One of my closest friends in the world told me about two years ago that I don't ever tell the group about my past and the things that go on in my life.  That I always seem to have it together, never needing anyone.  She explained that it made her feel less important to me.  Obviously this was never my intention.  I actually never considered this because I was so focused on not making anyone else carry my stuff that I couldn't see any other perspective.

While I still don't think everyone needs to hear my story, and not everyone deserves to hold some of my pieces, I do see that sharing those parts of me are how I am going to be able to develop the most meaningful relationships in my life.  

Being vulnerable is hard for everyone.  And for people who don't know how to manage their feelings in a healthy way, it is often crippling.  I have had moments that I've shared parts of who I am with someone and then worried about them having that knowledge years down the road when we are no longer in each other's lives.  

The thing is - part of finding the best people is being able to risk opening up to them in order to know they are your people.  You can't hold back your pieces and hope to find your circle.  You have to tell your story, even slowly, to others in order to find that connection. 

It's quite frankly, a very long work in progress for me.  Even realizing that I am this way was a lot to comprehend.  But I think I'm a good human being, deserving of the best and most full relationships.  And in order to have those, I've got to put in the work to develop them. 

If you're missing the right kinds of people, relationships, and connections in your world - take a look at the way in which you exist within those partnerships.  Are you doing your part to share who you are?  Are you making yourself open to the possibility of truly real support systems?  

People are resiliant. They're strong.  They can carry a lot. And if you mean a lot to someone, they're going to want to help hold your baggage.  Because baggage isn't always bad. Baggage can often take you to the most amazing places if you're willing to be open to the possibilities.