Fake Adult

I’m about to be 35 in a couple months.

When I was 16, 35 to me was the time in which I would be married, have 2.5 kids, a house in the suburbs and a bitchin car in the driveway.

My 35 doesn’t look like that.

Having spent the last 5 years redefining what I thought my future was supposed to be has been a journey. It’s been a whole lot of unlearning societal expectations, struggling with those milestones not reached, and realizing that a lot of the things I thought I wanted were in fact just things I thought we did as adults.

And now, as I come upon an age that seemed about 1,000 yeas away, I feel like a fake adult.

I’m doing all the things society tells you to do when it comes to being an adult. I have a great job, I’m paying my bills, I’m not committing wild crimes. I generally make it through the day without any trouble.

All the things on paper, I’m out here doing them.

Internally though, I feel 25. I feel like there’s so many of the things I’m not checking off. I’m not married. I don’t have kids (nor any real desire right now to have any), I don’t own a house. Did buy myself the bitchin new car though.

All in all, you’d look at me and say yes queen, adult away, B+ on Wednesdays but all other days you’re easily an A- or better. Keep up the good work and check back in at 36.

I would be lying if I didn’t say the society fairy doesn’t check in with me once in awhile to be like hey girl, just wanted to point out that we generally expect xy and z at this age so you’re late and we want you to know we sent a memo to everyone else in the world letting them know.

When that society fairy comes through I do allow her to sit there a little longer than I should. I do let her poke me with doubts and sometimes I even let her toss me down a spiral of shame and fear.

Yet most days, most days I think to myself, maybe we are all just fake adults.

Maybe the woman living the life I thought I was supposed to at 35 is sitting here thinking she’s fake adulting because she doesn’t have it all together like she thought she would.

Maybe the high powered career babe is thinking shes a fake adult because everyday she doubts herself and how she got to where she did.

Maybe the single Sex & the City Samantha babe living her NYC dream also feels like a fake because she’s thriving in her womanhood but doesn’t know how to turn on the stove in her penthouse.

I sort of think maybe we are all fake adults who spend each day just trying to make it out alive. I believe that society puts all these rules and expectations and marketing and says ok you guys, go out there and be this adult today! And then next week, you also have to do it while running a marathon and writing a novel! And if you don’t do it all, you’ve failed and we will send your society fairy to remind you.

So yea, maybe I am a fake adult because I don’t have a husband, 2.5 kids, and a house in the suburbs. Maybe some days I have cheese for dinner. Maybe some weeks I wear the same shorts 5 days in a row. Maybe I spend too much time watching teen romantic comedies and swooning while also judging the characters for not being badass enough. And maybe at the end of the day, I still pay all my bills, feed my dog, do the laundry, create meaningful relationships, exercise, and laugh.

And just maybe, that’s what being an adult is anyways. It’s faking it until you make it. And maybe, we are all just a whole bunch of fake adults smiling at each other when we are really thinking “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing either.” And maybe we should just say that to each other more.

I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T

We are going to do Independence day a little differently this year.  I'm all in for celebrating America, but this time, I'm celebrating the independence of the United States of ME.

It's been a year (or like 200 years) of trying to figure out how to be this badass human on my own.  To stand as me, for me, and to not apologize for that.

So this 4th of July, I'm going to celebrate all of the things that make me an independent human being. Big or small - we gonna celebrate them all!  And in keeping with my no apologies sentiment of late, I'm not going to provide an explanation for these reasons I'm celebrating. It doesn't matter, all that matters is that I value them.

I pay my own bills

I've moved to three states where I haven't known a soul

I got the dream job

I left the dream job

I broke up with the person who was wrong for me

I walked away from the amazing job offer that couldn't pay me my value

I expressed my feelings to a friend who wasn't making me feel appreciated

I committed to the hard cutoff 

I said I miss you

I traveled to Europe for two weeks

I have kept up my blog for almost two years

I learned how to schedule self care and stick with it

I got a side hustle, and made it successful

I paid off debt

I found a fitness routine that I'm in love with

I stood up against injustice 

I got educated and took steps towards preventing familial cancer

I've done a lot.  And taken a lot of steps that I'm very proud of.  I've got a lot of goals and steps towards being even more independent, but I'm proud of myself and how far I've come to better myself.

Diary of an Axious Person: Part 68

I'd like to give a shout out to ME.  Over the past few weeks I have made a HUGE commitment to myself and my physical and mental health.

At work, I've had the tough conversations around my time and boundaries.

I've gone to workout classes or gone trail running 5-7 days a week for the last THREE weeks.

I'm using NO as a complete sentence.  

And the results are dramatic.  

I've always been a workaholic.  It's truly been the biggest struggle to learn that being the best employee means recognizing boundaries in the work place.  As much as I've said over and over that I refuse to succumb to a life of all work and no play, I still don't think I've mastered what that equilibrium looks like.  And if I'm really honest with myself, I still work too much and I still allow work to upset my mental health balance far too much.  But recently - I've burnt out so badly that I got myself in a dangerously depressive place.  Thankfully I recognized it and created a plan to combat those emotions.  Because of that, I was able to pull very quickly out of that depressed place and create steps to securing a healthy balance for my future.

Fitness has always been a passion of mine.  Since I was crawling, I was involved in sports.  I was a competitive athlete until I was 21.  After college I struggled with how to workout on my own.  Without the disciplined guidance and meets to prepare for - I didn't really know how to best create a workout plan.  I've either created these unattainable schedules or I drop off the wagon.  I struggle with finding workouts that challenge me without aggravating my injuries.   About 3 weeks ago, I joined Class Pass (and then switched to Studio Hop).  I've consistently been trying out different types of fitness and I've fallen in LOVE with the way I feel mentally and physically.  Whether it be reformer Pilates, boxing, yoga, or circuit training - I truly look forward to the classes I'm taking.  I've even lost weight apparently - which is a nice side bonus!

Lastly - I've started say no.  End of sentence.  No explanation.  No qualification.  Just no.  Any by doing so, I'm empowering myself to do more for ME.  I don't need to explain why I don't want to do anything.I don't need to tell work why I can't travel one weekend.  My personal life, my personal time is just that  - PERSONAL.  

The lesson for this update?  Put yourself first.  Be selfish.  I know I certainly spend a lot of time worrying about other people and how I can help their lives but at the end of the day that can leave me very empty.  And when I'm on empty, I don't take care of ME.  If you don't take care of you, you're eventually going to find yourself on empty too.  Being selfish is critical to your health and happiness.  A lot of people who suffer from anxiety spend so much time worrying about everyone else that the idea of being selfish only gives us more anxiety.  Until you make the decision to be selfish, to keep yourself full too, you'll never be able to successfully exist in the world.  When you're thinking of others, don't forget to think of YOU too.

Hit the Reset Button

Hi Sequins!  I know I'm not the only one who gets completely involved in work and other people and completely sets my self care aside.  When I do this, I get really off track in being aware of what I need.  I get irritable, easily flustered, and just plain exhausted.  In order to maximize my sparkle, I'm trying to be more aware of where I'm at internally so that externally I can present my best self.

I've put together a list of resets - things that help me focus on ME and get back to neutral when I've been going a million miles a minute and am out of whack.  I'm sure a lot of these are already in your wheelhouse but maybe you forget to use them.  I'm here to remind you - sometimes you gotta DO YOU!

1. Fitness

I've grown up an athlete.  When I take a moment to go for a run, take a yoga class, or lift weights, my mind slips back into that role and I'm at peace.  Bonus?  It's good for the body too and often helps me sleep at night.

2. Naps

Ya'll I am the QUEEN of naps.  When I'm overwhelmed or exhausted, catch me in bed hitting the reset button.  I prefer hours but if I can only get 30 minutes in, I'll nap.  Sometimes my body just needs to completely shut down and reboot and sleep is the best way to achieve this.

3. Books

I read every single night.  Books are an escape for me.  I tend to lean towards a good mystery novel because I love the excitement of the puzzle.  Books help my mind shut out everything else and focus on whatever world I'm placed into.  

4. Puppies

I have a dog who is my child.  Spending time playing with him, walking him, or simply  snuggling with him makes my whole heart smile.  He reminds me there are more important things in life and that he's always there excited to see me.  Rescue a dog if you have not already because it is them who will rescue you!

5. Nails

Get your nails did!  When you look right, you feel right!  I love escaping the world and taking my headphones to the nail salon to get a good mani/pedi.  It looks good, helps you feel good, and you get a minute to escape from the real world.

6. Journal

Journaling is the best way to get out everything you're thinking and feeling and reflect on it.  It's also alone time to just digest everything going on and figure out where you're at.  Super important to be able to recognize where your feelings come from so that you are better able to handle them moving forward.  

Those 6 things are my favorite way to reset and refocus.  I know some people like to be around friends or family but for me resetting myself is more about alone time.  Without me time, I would go insane!  How do you best reset yourself?

#SparkleOn

Make it Awkward

We all spend a lot of time keeping it from getting awkward.  We avoid the weirdness by excusing the behavior of others rather than saying - no actually its not ok.  We let people do the shitty things instead of calling them on it.  We let companies rip us off rather than fighting for the refund.  We get taken advantage of instead of just saying no, I actually can't do that.  We focus really hard on not making it really uncomfortable for someone else and then we are left feeling really uncomfortable ourselves.  I'm not into that life.  Maybe its because I'm secretly 95 at heart or because I'm exhausted from being everything to everyone - but I've decided to make it awkward.

Calm down.  I'm not going full blown crazy.  I'm not going to be a jerk and I'm not going to take it too far.  But I am going to say no, it's not okay that I was overcharged because an employee wasn't trained.  It's not okay that my ex was going through a hard time so he treated me poorly.  It is unreasonable to expect me to disregard my mental health to make someone else happy.  And part of being able to say those things out loud -to those people - means being okay with how they react.  A lot of people don't like being put in those awkward situations.  They want you to say of course its ok and no problem, I totally understand.  And when you tell them otherwise, they don't always respond in kind.  Be okay with that response.  The point is to make it awkward because its not up to you to forgo your self care to make anyone else happy.  And in order to do that - you have to make peace that you're abandoning the peace of being agreeable.

It's not easy to make it awkward.  It's often exhausting, uncomfortable and downright unpleasant.  But it's also freeing, empowering, and uplifting.  When you've spent a lot of time being everything for everyone - putting yourself to the side - it becomes almost status quo.  You get used to keeping things comfortable for others.  And soon - people decide that's who you are - and they expect it from you at all times.  When you decide to make that change - its upsetting for the people who've never known they don't take you into consideration.  They can react in the most negative of ways.  And that can hurt.  It can cause you frustration and pain and doubt.  For me, it's a lot more painful, exhausting, and frustrating to keep being everything. 

Make it Awkward.  Don't excuse the shitty behavior of others simply because it makes them more comfortable.  Don't make yourself feel bad for showing them the way in which you deserve to be treated.  Learn that its ok to say I can't be everything to everyone anymore, I want to be considered too.  You're allowed to change, grow, and want more.  Life is for getting uncomfortable and real.  Treating others with kindness and consideration includes YOU too.

No.

I like being someone people can count on.  At work and in my personal life, I'm always the person who says yes.  Yes to more work.  Yes to helping you move.  Yes to all of it.  It's never been about people pleasing.  It's always been about caring about being someone people can turn to for whatever they may need.  It's important my people know that I'mteam player and they're never alone.  And I like to think I do a great job of being that person.  But what I began to notice is that being the yes girl for everyone else meant saying no to me.

As I've gone on this whole journey to better myself, for myself - I've begun to practice the art of saying no.  Without explanation.  without apology.  Without guilt.  It's learning to say no, period. 

Of course it goes without saying (but I'm gonna say it), I'm still here for my people.  When they truly need me, I'm there.  But it's also equally important that I'm there for me. 

Back to me.

Saying no is about making time and having energy to do things for me.  Whether I want to get my nails done, workout, or jut plain sit on my couch - it's acknowledging I need to do something that I want to do and I need to say no to someone else to do that.  It's also about scheduling time to grow and challenge myself.  This year that means working less and traveling more.  So that's what I'm doing.

Saying no is about my mental and physical health.  At work its saying no, I don't have the capacity to add that project to my plate and no I can't stay late tonight.  It's saying no I won't travel simply because I don't have kids.  It's making time each day to decompress and reset myself to a good place. 

Saying no is about taking responsibility.  Have you ever stopped to think about why you may be exhausted or feeling overwhelmed?  Because the more I think about all the things I do, the more I realize that there's a lot I could be saying no to.  You are in control of your time.  And you're in control of how you choose to spend it. 

Saying no, without explanation, is part of growing up.  It's recognizing your time is just as important as everyone else' and its recognizing what you need to maintain a healthy lifestyle.  Think of all that you do for other people and then think about what you do for yourself.  Think about how much you value everyone else.  And give yourself that same value and respect. 

 Say no.  Get rid of the guilt, and allow yourself time to do what you need to do to have your best life.  Time is limited.  Energy is limited.  Life is limited.  Don't limit the possibilities.