Fake Adult

I’m about to be 35 in a couple months.

When I was 16, 35 to me was the time in which I would be married, have 2.5 kids, a house in the suburbs and a bitchin car in the driveway.

My 35 doesn’t look like that.

Having spent the last 5 years redefining what I thought my future was supposed to be has been a journey. It’s been a whole lot of unlearning societal expectations, struggling with those milestones not reached, and realizing that a lot of the things I thought I wanted were in fact just things I thought we did as adults.

And now, as I come upon an age that seemed about 1,000 yeas away, I feel like a fake adult.

I’m doing all the things society tells you to do when it comes to being an adult. I have a great job, I’m paying my bills, I’m not committing wild crimes. I generally make it through the day without any trouble.

All the things on paper, I’m out here doing them.

Internally though, I feel 25. I feel like there’s so many of the things I’m not checking off. I’m not married. I don’t have kids (nor any real desire right now to have any), I don’t own a house. Did buy myself the bitchin new car though.

All in all, you’d look at me and say yes queen, adult away, B+ on Wednesdays but all other days you’re easily an A- or better. Keep up the good work and check back in at 36.

I would be lying if I didn’t say the society fairy doesn’t check in with me once in awhile to be like hey girl, just wanted to point out that we generally expect xy and z at this age so you’re late and we want you to know we sent a memo to everyone else in the world letting them know.

When that society fairy comes through I do allow her to sit there a little longer than I should. I do let her poke me with doubts and sometimes I even let her toss me down a spiral of shame and fear.

Yet most days, most days I think to myself, maybe we are all just fake adults.

Maybe the woman living the life I thought I was supposed to at 35 is sitting here thinking she’s fake adulting because she doesn’t have it all together like she thought she would.

Maybe the high powered career babe is thinking shes a fake adult because everyday she doubts herself and how she got to where she did.

Maybe the single Sex & the City Samantha babe living her NYC dream also feels like a fake because she’s thriving in her womanhood but doesn’t know how to turn on the stove in her penthouse.

I sort of think maybe we are all fake adults who spend each day just trying to make it out alive. I believe that society puts all these rules and expectations and marketing and says ok you guys, go out there and be this adult today! And then next week, you also have to do it while running a marathon and writing a novel! And if you don’t do it all, you’ve failed and we will send your society fairy to remind you.

So yea, maybe I am a fake adult because I don’t have a husband, 2.5 kids, and a house in the suburbs. Maybe some days I have cheese for dinner. Maybe some weeks I wear the same shorts 5 days in a row. Maybe I spend too much time watching teen romantic comedies and swooning while also judging the characters for not being badass enough. And maybe at the end of the day, I still pay all my bills, feed my dog, do the laundry, create meaningful relationships, exercise, and laugh.

And just maybe, that’s what being an adult is anyways. It’s faking it until you make it. And maybe, we are all just a whole bunch of fake adults smiling at each other when we are really thinking “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing either.” And maybe we should just say that to each other more.

Plot Twist

Even though it often seems my journey has been a wild one without any plans, I can assure you, it’s all been carefully crafted. I’ve spent hours making lists and having conversations agonizing over the choices I’ve made and the paths I’ve taken. There’s never been anything but the plan for me.

This next step, it wasn’t planned. It wasn’t even remotely on my radar. The next part of my journey was presented to me out of the blue.

And that’s why I have to take it. Because it’s not part of the plan. It’s a plot twist not even I expected.

You ready for this?  

I’m going back to Northern California. 

I love where I’m from. But I never thought I’d move back.  

And get this - I’m going into tech. 

I’m moving to the most expensive market in the nation, into an industry I’ve never worked in. 

Everything about this next move is unplanned. It’s out of my comfort zone, out of my immediate breadth of experience, and I could not be more excited. 

I told myself I wanted to shake things up. Over and over I’ve talked about needing a challenge. The universe heard me. And it sent me a college teammate who believes in me enough to help make this a reality.  

For me that’s the coolest part of all this. I’ve spent my entire career in situations that I’ve been told to compromise my ethics, and I never have. I’ve been put down and belittled for being who I am and now, I’m being pursued for it. 

I know I’m talented. I know I’m a good human being. I know I can and I will excel at this new adventure. But having a team of people feel just as excited to have me, that’s one incredible high.  

I’m a naturally positive, easily motivated, go getter. So I could be seeing this next journey with the most rose colored glasses. Truth is - nothing is perfect, and this won’t be either. But it’s the most confident I’ve ever felt in a decision in my career.  

Now Id love to tell you all about how it goes - and to some extent I will share pieces. But tech is tech and the secrecy that comes with it (secret agent? Jk, maybe). So I’ll update you on how I’m feeling with it all and how it’s going in general, but I’ll be keeping a lot of this next one to myself. 

The lesson of this wild, horribly written, long run on blog? I have no idea what I’m doing. The plan is fucked. I think getting off the path and taking a new one is worth a shot. Putting all of your trust in yourself and who you are is the biggest risk you can ever take. But if you can’t count on yourself, who can you count on?

Be brave Sequins. Believe in yourself. And most of all, believe you deserve it all.  

Whiner Whiner Chicken....Shut Up

I'm not sure if it's because I'm in a good place but I seem to feel as if everyone around me has a whole lot to whine about. Whether they're too busy, hate their job, their partner isn't hearing them, they're feeling bad about themselves, they can't get over a relationship, the list goes on and the complaints are never ending.

For me, there's an acceptable level of whining in life. And there are rules around what's acceptable to complain about in the first place.

And a majority of the things people are whining about are not on the acceptable list. They've also exceeded the allotted time allowed for whining.

If you've created a problem for yourself. If you're refusing to accept a situation for what it is. If you're unwilling to make a change - shut up. Stop whining.

While I may seem harsh (It's because I am), the point is, as an adult, you owe it to yourself and those around you to be better. Stop complaining and start actively being a participant in the success of your life.

I don't know if as a culture we've become extra sensitive or we feel the need to constantly evaluate our feelings but I promise you, you're just fine. You're having a hard time because you've created a hard time. You can't get out of the rut because all you do is exist in the rut.

I'm so sick of people who just whine.

I am always here to support you as a friend but if the root of your problem is you, I'm going to tell you. As your friend, I owe you the truth so that you can grow and become your best you.

I am not the friend you go to if you want the lie. I won't tell you I'm sorry life is being so unfair to you. I'm not going to commiserate with you about things that are within your control. It's insulting to me, you, and life.

Lately I've been so overwhelmed and frustrated with the drama that others have tried to bring into my world by their constant negativity and self centered complaining. And what I realized is that if I'm choosing to engage in that, I'm creating the negative situation for myself. So I spoke up.

I started saying yes, it is you. I'm sorry you feel this way but you're putting yourself in this situation. I hate that you're unhappy but you're not doing anything to make yourself happy. It's awful you're in a job you hate but I haven't seen you put the effort in to get a new one.

And I have not stopped.

Sure - it's caused some awkwardness and tension in the friendship. I've gone radio silent with a couple people because they're still not in a place to get it.

I deserve attention and support too. And I deserve a friend who wants to make it about me too. And I want to surround myself with people who value growth, who don't settle for thinking life owes them anything.

I'm going to be honest again - I've been there. I've complained and asked why me when the why IS me. I've been the root of my own problem. And I probably will have moments like that again. However, for the most part, I'm a woman of action.

I don't like my job? I get a new one. I hate where I've moved? I move again. I'm in a bad relationship? I end it.

Surely that's not easy. And it's often a process.

But stop with the "I could never do that." or "That's so cold." It's not. You're making excuses because you haven't found the courage to take action.

If you're not in a place to move on from the whining and complaining, do you. But just you. Don't poison anyone else by bringing that choice into their world. Be responsible for your own situation and respect the people you love by not burdening them with your drama. Harsh much? Yes. Because being a grown up is being accountable for who you are to the people you love.

Life gets better when you make the active choice to be a participant in the way it goes. And you're a better teammate when you take responsibility for how you engage with the team. Are you in it for the win or are you okay sitting in the bench with a participation trophy?

A Lesson in Compassion

On Facebook lately I have been posting what I like to call: What you missed in Kindergarten.  It's a little lesson for those of you out there who forgot critical teachings such as:

1. Treat others as you wish to be treated
2. Keep your hands to yourself
3. Clean up your messes

Today, I'm going to bring one of these great lectures to all of you.  And this one is called:

Compassion.

Compassion is a feeling of wanting to help someone who is sick, hungry, in trouble, etc.

Read that back please.  Soak it in.  Really applies to current happenings in the world doesn't it?

I was raised to have deep compassion for others.  As much as I can be a bit cold and dead inside - I'm ultimately nursing a bleeding heart.  I want to help people.  Except for spiders, spiders can all be crushed and killed. 

As a kid I remember standing up to bullies.  As an adult I give time and money to helping those who don't have what I have.  I'm that way because I learned it from my parents.  The best lesson I have ever learned from my parents is to leave things better than you received them.  That includes the people you meet.

Compassion extends well beyond charity.  Compassion means having love and acceptance for those who are different.  And quite frankly, I'm not really sure what two people are the same, so we are ALL different.

In America today, we have a leader who encourages hate.  He is the opposite of a compassionate human being and it has only made me want to be more compassionate.  He makes me want to stand up for those being oppressed and say not today Satan - you don't get to do this to other people.

Compassion is love.  Compassion is kindness.  It's holding your hand out to stand by those who need an extra hand.  It's stopping yourself before you say something cruel.  It's spending time correcting those who give out hate.  Compassion is realizing the world is bigger than you.

My challenge to you is to be more patient.  Be more open.  Spend time committing your efforts to compassion and bettering the world now so that we can leave it in a better place for the future.  Compassion is having the courage to stand up to those who don't have compassion and say I choose to treat others as I wish to be treated and I choose to leave a legacy of empathy for future generations to come.

Class dismissed. 

I'm Thankful for the Worst Job I Ever Had.

When I was offered my dream job a few years back - I thought it was the beginning of everything I'd worked and sacrificed for out of college.  It was all the late nights, long trips, menial tasks, biting my tongue - all coming back to say this is why I sacrificed my health and my time and my life for a good five years. 

And it was my dream job.  It was a role that put me in a field I'm deeply passionate about and allowed me the independence and creativity to take risks and expand my knowledge.  I was able to plan events and trips I'd once dreamed I'd be able to do.  I existed as a separate entity with a lot of authority to make decisions and take risks.  Sure - I had the small annoyances and red tape all jobs have - but I can honestly say I felt like I was doing what I had dreamed of.

But while the job was my dream - the environment was not.  Between sexual harassment, bullying, belittling, witnessing blatant illegal activity - it was a nightmare.  The things I saw and heard and directly experienced were far beyond anything I could ever imagine.  And I put up with it for awhile.  I kept quiet and tried to blend in.  I ignored that women were disrespected and treated differently and I smiled when executives blatantly berated staff. 

And yes - those of you who know me - you're right - that lasted a good ten minutes.  I was born with an intense need to speak up.  I've tried to be one of those people who can sit back quietly, but I failed every time.  So I pushed back.  I spoke out.  When I couldn't take it anymore - I made formal accusations and knew HR wouldn't help me.  It's hard to expect HR to help when HR is largely involved in the problem.  I knew that my dream job wasn't worth sacrificing my mental health anymore. 

So when I spoke up - I was obviously approached and we discussed how I wasn't a good fit anymore for the culture.  And they're right.  We parted on mutually agreeable terms - and I felt the biggest relief of my life never having to go back.  To give you some context - 75% of the company has left in the past year.  So we aren't just talking normal office shenanigans.  We are talking hidden lawsuits, carefully worded news articles - and a lot of "severance pay."

And I'm so incredibly thankful for that experience.  I was put in situations where I was asked to do the impossible.  I was verbally abused, made physically uncomfortable, among a long list of ridiculous things.  But through those experiences I've gained confidence, the ability to problem solve under the highest levels of stress, and developed a level of excellence in what I do that is hard to match.

I've learned what kind of leader I never want to be.  I've learned to treat everyone in the workplace with respect.  I've learned to make an effort to show I value each person in each department because without them we can't be whole.  And I've learned it's better to walk away from your dream job than to give up your dream of being a good person. 

But it was my dream job.  Truly I wonder if I'll ever find that position ever again.  Would I ever go back?  No.  Not for all the money in the world, not for promises of change.  Not ever.  But I am a better business woman and human being because of what I went through.  The relationships I formed in that time are people that will be my friends for the rest of my life.  They've become confidants, references, and people I look to for advice in the business world.

When I speak to new companies about my next move - I'm able to be pickier, focus more on culture, and I'm rarely ever flustered in an interview.  It's hard to throw me off my game because of the challenges I was given in my previous role.  I also know my value, and I'm not afraid to let my work speak for itself.  I continue to focus on my relationships and building strong honest partnerships with the people around me.

And you know what I've learned?  As much as that organization tried to break me - it failed.  I'm valued in my industry, I've got a reputation for working hard and being someone who will not compromise my ethics.  The lesson learned is that you can plan your dream job as much as you want, but it won't always turn out like the picture in your head.  You can either crumble from the disappointment or you can use the pivotal moment to create a new path.  I'm choosing to accept the adventure and see where it takes me.