The Buddy System

With the high rates of depression and suicide in the news these days, the world has been encouraging each other to check up on people around us. And to really do it. To say “hey, are you ok?” and listen to that answer.

The more we show up for each other and truly listen to what we are saying, the more we are able to say “I’m here for you.” That’s a really powerful thing. We live in a time where people are more connected than ever but feeling lonelier than ever.

It’s also really easy to get caught up in our own lives. We are all busy trying to survive and thrive and that’s ok. It’s ok to know when you really need to be in the zone and focus on yourself.

Here’s what I’m finding though: when my team checks on me, I feel more accountability to check in with myself. It also forces me out of whatever hermit life I’ve sometimes sunken into and encourages me to engage. When people ask me how I’m doing and honestly want an answer, my heart grows times ten. I feel valued, respected, and heard.

The people in my life have really shown up for me in a buddy system way lately and I’m so grateful for it. I have lived so long as the one you don’t check up on. The one everybody knows is going to be ok. And while that may be very true, it does not mean I don’t struggle. The more my humans show up for me, the more I want to open up and share my life with them. It makes me feel safe, something I don’t often feel when it comes to sharing my life with others.

The point is, show up and create a buddy system. We all struggle. We all need that check in once in awhile to get through the dark times. Work with your inner core to get the phone tree going. Never let your people feel alone. Find a way to spend 5 minutes each day saying hey, I’m here for you, whatever you need.

Often times people don’t want to ask for help, or don’t know how. They may even beg off support. But we all need it. Whether that be delivering meals, sending a text, sitting with someone in silence, find a way to show up. Showing up is what matters.

Think of it like being a little kid. You had to have a buddy who you were responsible for. Ya;ll had to stick together and get each other through the day. This is what you’ve been training for. Stick with that buddy and get them through the day.

Tis the Season

The holidays are HERE! Glitter and lights and food and presents and I LOVE IT ALL. I started watching Christmas movies at least 3 weeks ago. Mariah Carey’s Christmas album? Been on my Spotify since early November. I’d start wearing Christmas sweaters in June if it wasn’t so hot.

I’m a huge fan of the holidays. Really, I think most people are. It’s time with family and friends and being cozy. And there’s usually no work. The cheesy movies are everywhere, drinks flowing, what’s not to love?

It’s also been a really difficult year for a lot of people. And watching our current administration react abhorrently to that has reminded me just how lucky I am to not be experiencing the devastation a lot of Americans are.

From being ripped from their families, fires taking homes, pets, and family members, mass shootings - people are truly going through things I could never imagine. It makes me feel more compassion and a drive to help.

Sure, I still want Christmas presents, but I don’t really need anything. So my family has decided to cap Christmas presents this year and instead put our money towards a family in need. Because yea, I still want to open a stocking on Christmas morning, but I’m willing to give up the rest of my presents so someone else can have a stocking too.

Here’s the thing, if we ever hope to get ourselves in a better place as a country, we have to give back. We have to learn to care about people who are nothing like us. We have to help people going through things that don’t affect us.

Just because its not happening to you, doesn’t mean it doesn't concern you.

Read that back. Again and again. And maybe one more time for the folks in denial. And in the back. And in Washington. Could we get a billboard maybe?

Privilege exists because there are groups of people who by societal creation, don’t experience life the same way other people do. Those with privilege are born and have it a little easier because of how they were born. Skin color. Gender. Affluence. Name. Etc etc.

Realistically, privilege doesn’t save you from mother nature — that’s by chance. But privilege allows some of us to come out of those horrific events and rebuild quicker and better than others have the means to.

Privilege does dictate a lot of the other situations this administration has put people in. The hate, bigotry, racism - those are intentional and man made. They are put into the universe by people afraid of equality because it takes away from the advantage they have in life.

Again - if this ain’t your first blog with me, you’re aware that I’m not saying those in privilege are bad. Or should feel shame. Or apologize. They shouldn’t. But have awareness. Honestly everyone just have some awareness in general. Because I also don’t believe just because you’re born with less the world owes you more. 

I digress —  

For me, the holiday season reminds me of these things. It reminds me that yes, even privileged, I go through things. Admitting my privilege doesn’t mean I don’t suffer. My privilege does however give me a platform to speak up and to help others in doing so.

The holiday season reminds me that if I want a better world, I have to start with myself. I’ve got to give back where I can, speak up where I can, and lead by example.

My resources are not unlimited. I have bills to pay, I deserve to make purchases for things I want and enjoy doing, my time is valuable. That’s not an excuse for sitting back and staying quiet. Honestly, at the very least, I would hope you would want someone to help you if you ever came on hard times — do the same for them.

It blows my mind that people have to be told why they should care about giving back. About speaking up. About stepping outside their own lives to make the world a better place. You should never have to be someone else or go through another person’s struggles to have compassion. You should care because it’s the right thing to do. You should care because the world is bigger than you.

There are so many ways to give back. I hope you take the time to find a way that you can help others that works for you. I’m passionate about the Camp Fire because I’m from Northern California. I have family members in the area and this is my community. My heart aches for the people and animals who have gone through and will continue to go through so much. I’m also deeply passionate about equality, animal welfare, cancer research, among other things. So I find ways to give back to those areas where I can.

Domestic abuse is close to my heart as well. So when I lived in Texas, I found a thrift store that benefits a domestic violence shelter and I donated my used items to it. I shopped there. Do you know how easy that level of giving is? I simply dropped off my gently used items and then I shopped. All in the name of charity. It can be that simple. I literally shopped as a means of helping others. Start somewhere. Anywhere.

What are you passionate about? Find that and you’ll find how easy it is to get involved and stay involved in making that area of the world a better place.

 

Resources!

I've had a lot of really brave women reach out to me regarding my post yesterday.  Many of which have been victims of assault, rape, violence, sexism, and really everything in between.  It was irresponsible of me not to include resources to those who may have experienced some of the things I discussed.  Sadly being a woman today often includes struggling with self doubt, pain, and depression because of what we are subject to in this world. 

First and foremost, thank you to the women who have spoken up.  To even say something to one person is brave and I'm proud of you.  The more we talk about it, the more other people will feel uncomfortable and get a glimpse of the realness that is assault, rape, violence, sexism, everything.  Having been a victim myself of both violence and assault, I'm here if you should want someone to talk to.  Every story is different and I certainly cannot say I know how you feel, but I understand some of the feelings of being a victim.  Please do not hesitate to reach out to me.

Second, I encourage you to seek out professional help.  Talking to a therapist, calling women's resource centers, speaking to your loved ones so they can help find you good support - these are all ways to help you heal.  Below are some places I've researched that are available to you 24/7:

RAINN (National Sexual Assault Hotline): 1-800-656-4673.  This line is 24/7 and they're able to help locate local resources for you.  Their website also has a lot of information regarding policy, questions, and safety/prevention.

The National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 1-800-799-7233.  Again, 24/7 and confidential. 

If you're having problems in the workplace and don't feel comfortable speaking to HR, there are resources and legal aid programs in your city with minimal to zero cost to you.  Research your local legal aid and often you can have a free initial consultation where they can help you create a plan.  Make sure you're documenting EVERYTHING as well. 

Please know you're not alone.  It's scary, its heartbreaking and often you feel hopeless.  Speak up.  You are not alone.  Say something to someone you trust, it helps relieve the burden and those who care about you can help you create a plan to heal. 

Lastly, email me at any time silva.ashley@gmail.com and I'm happy to help in any way.  I'll talk to you, help you find professional help, whatever you need. 

Don't ever give up.  You're worthy, you're brave, you are far from damaged.  You WILL get through this.