The Feels

The other day - my girlfriends were asking me how I feel about a guy I'm talking to (IDK what the cool kids call it these days.) And I couldn't answer the question.

I don't do feelings.  I don't remember the last time I cried.  I generally don't speak to how I feel.  But lately, I've gotten to the point where I don't even know what I'm feeling.  I've learned to ignore, shut down, and avoid feelings so much that I can't accurately gauge how I feel about a lot of things.

And that's not healthy.

A lot of people tell me I'm tough.  Strong.  But not understanding my own feelings, not allowing myself to feel all the feels - that's not strong, that's stupid.

It served as a little wake up call for me.  A big wake up call actually.  I've dealt with a lot emotionally over the past year and I've done a lot of avoiding emotions about it all.  And I've utilized distractions.  I've done everything possible to kind of give up on the situation - pretend its not there. I've let a lot of people tell me a lot about how I supposedly feel. But now I'm at a place where I'm genuinely worried about my inability to connect with how I feel.

So I'm taking action.  I don't want to continue on a path of neutral. 

Now considering I'm clearly not the best person to guide me in the feelings department - I'm asking for help.  I've made an appointment with a therapist so that I can talk to a neutral party - which heavily appeals to my sense of reason.  But I also think that its going to force me into some uncomfortable moments - and that's what I need to figure this whole thing out.

On top of seeing a therapist - I've started journaling.  I bought one of those prompt journals on Amazon with all the stars on the review and I'm actually using it to help me write down my thoughts at the end of the day. 

Sure - these are probably obvious solutions and two really basic steps to working through the feels.  But its a really big step for me.  Writing all of this out loud for the three of you who read this - it's a lot for me.  Admitting that I'm in a little bit of a scary place - is really hard for me.  Vulnerable is a bad word in my world.  It's a weakness.  But in an effort to grow, to stick to being the best version of me, and getting the most out of this awesome life I was given - I've got to be brave.  And in doing so, I hope that maybe someone out there will read this, and they'll feel brave enough to ask for help too.

Asking for help isn't shameful.  We've got the whole world backwards when it comes to mental and emotional health.  What's shameful is not getting help from the experts.  What's shameful should be settling for a life of neutrality, of less than our best.  Don't ever feel shame for recognizing you're in a time of need.  And don't wait until it's really bad. Reach out, get help, and get back to awesome.  

Make it Awkward

We all spend a lot of time keeping it from getting awkward.  We avoid the weirdness by excusing the behavior of others rather than saying - no actually its not ok.  We let people do the shitty things instead of calling them on it.  We let companies rip us off rather than fighting for the refund.  We get taken advantage of instead of just saying no, I actually can't do that.  We focus really hard on not making it really uncomfortable for someone else and then we are left feeling really uncomfortable ourselves.  I'm not into that life.  Maybe its because I'm secretly 95 at heart or because I'm exhausted from being everything to everyone - but I've decided to make it awkward.

Calm down.  I'm not going full blown crazy.  I'm not going to be a jerk and I'm not going to take it too far.  But I am going to say no, it's not okay that I was overcharged because an employee wasn't trained.  It's not okay that my ex was going through a hard time so he treated me poorly.  It is unreasonable to expect me to disregard my mental health to make someone else happy.  And part of being able to say those things out loud -to those people - means being okay with how they react.  A lot of people don't like being put in those awkward situations.  They want you to say of course its ok and no problem, I totally understand.  And when you tell them otherwise, they don't always respond in kind.  Be okay with that response.  The point is to make it awkward because its not up to you to forgo your self care to make anyone else happy.  And in order to do that - you have to make peace that you're abandoning the peace of being agreeable.

It's not easy to make it awkward.  It's often exhausting, uncomfortable and downright unpleasant.  But it's also freeing, empowering, and uplifting.  When you've spent a lot of time being everything for everyone - putting yourself to the side - it becomes almost status quo.  You get used to keeping things comfortable for others.  And soon - people decide that's who you are - and they expect it from you at all times.  When you decide to make that change - its upsetting for the people who've never known they don't take you into consideration.  They can react in the most negative of ways.  And that can hurt.  It can cause you frustration and pain and doubt.  For me, it's a lot more painful, exhausting, and frustrating to keep being everything. 

Make it Awkward.  Don't excuse the shitty behavior of others simply because it makes them more comfortable.  Don't make yourself feel bad for showing them the way in which you deserve to be treated.  Learn that its ok to say I can't be everything to everyone anymore, I want to be considered too.  You're allowed to change, grow, and want more.  Life is for getting uncomfortable and real.  Treating others with kindness and consideration includes YOU too.

Panic Room

I was diagnosed with anxiety as a teenager.  I've been on various medications, in therapy, and actively working to control what can be a debilitating condition since I can remember.  I don't like to talk about my anxiety because there is still a lot of judgment that comes with admitting I live with a mental health condition that is easily misunderstood and often brushed off as not real.

Anxiety is very real and depending on the level of severity - something that is extremely disruptive of everyday life.  Things that are no big deal to most people, create extreme stress for me.  Brief interactions create hours of dwelling on meaning for future relationships both personal and professional.  Mistakes often feel like entire life failures.  I have absolutely irrational fears that control my reactions when faced with those situations.  There are times when I can become so overwhelmed I completely breakdown and shut out everyone around me.  Causing me to miss out on momentous occasions and critical experiences I regret not being part of.  And thus the cycle repeats.

Hearing about those things - from someone who is so outgoing, positive, and sparkly - is often shocking.  But I think because of who I am - its important for the stigma that I talk about my anxiety and how I learn to live my life with something that could easily keep me from living my best life.  The important thing to understand is that despite bad days and stressful situations - I get up, I show up, and I put the work in to keep my anxiety under control.

Chances are - someone important to you has anxiety.  We are certainly not a rare breed.  We are the people who never sit still, the ones who stress about being on time, who always have a plan, and who have an answer to everything.  We don't like not being in control so we are over prepared and overthinking everything.  We don't take things at face value and we can't let it go.  We are the friend who you describe as high strung, overachieving, and probably a bit neurotic.  We know we are all of these things.  We are hyper aware we do all of these things.  We fully understand we are being extra - but its not as easy as taking a deep breath and getting over it.

The absolute worst things you can say to someone who suffers from anxiety:

• It's not a big deal
• Just breathe
• Get over it

Having anxiety is not a choice.  Simply moving past whatever is causing the anxiety is not a choice.  The only part of anxiety that is a choice is actively learning about your personal life with it and how to maximize life as someone with the disorder.  If you're reading this and you have anxiety - it is your responsibility to take an active role in managing your triggers, reactions, and preventing big episodes.  It's on you to get therapy, learn what calms you down, seek medicine - do whatever you need to do to put the effort in for a normal life.

If you're reading this as someone who loves a person with anxiety, and that person is doing their part to manage the condition, you have a responsibility to support that person too.  If that person is important to you - then make understanding their anxiety important to you.

Here's how to be supportive of your anxious person:

• Accept your person for who they are: Again, anxiety is not a choice.  Accept this and accept your person for who they are, mental health condition and all
• Talk about it: Ask questions.  Be open with your person and ask them what it feels like, what their triggers are, and how you can help ease the disorder with your reactions.  Be open about how it affects you too.  There needs to be a safe space for open communication.
• Learn about it: Do some research.  Read a book.  Google reputable sources.  Whatever it is, learn about the science and the advances and concerns about anxiety.  It's not all the same.
• Set Boundaries: Anxiety is a lot to deal with.  If there are things you can't deal with, be up front about unhealthy situations.  It's on you to support the people you choose to love, but it's not on you to deal with abusive behavior.
• Let go of the stigma: Anxiety is prevalent.  Don't treat people who suffer from something they haven't chosen like they're less than.  Keep an open mind and shut off your instinct to judge.  This goes back to learning.  The more educated you are, the less need you feel to judge.

I don't talk about my anxiety with many people.  But the people close to me know it very well.  They are my home team and I could not do this without them.  I'm hoping by sharing my experiences with you, you'll realize anxiety doesn't affect one type of person and it doesn't discriminate.  It's possible to be happy and sparkly and successful - and live with sometimes crippling anxiety.  I have a mental health condition and I don't believe that makes me any less amazing than anyone else in this world.