The Body Exhibit

I have always struggled with body image. Whether I am 98lbs and 4% body fat or 150lbs and 312% body fat, I’ve always been very critical about my body. As an athlete, your body is your “money maker.” t’s your worth. It’s what gets you a win, a scholarship, it is your main source of success.

Because of that, I have always placed a lot of my value in how my body looks and feels. But I’m 33 now and I’m not an athlete. My metabolism isn’t the same and when I have an off month, it shows up on my body. I know that I naturally do have good metabolism, a whole lot of muscle memory and certainly my wonderful curves are nothing to be ashamed of - but I still get really insecure.

It does not matter what body type you are, we are all taught to want something different.

I think as I get older, I do start to care less about what others think and love myself for everything I am. I’ve been through a lot, my body specifically, and I have respect for it and all that it has provided me.

And here’s something I’ve started to tell myself - you don’t owe a body type to anyone.

I blossomed early. The Summer between junior and senior year I got boobs. Big boobs. And yet I was still about 98lbs. Obviously that didn’t go unnoticed. I had always had a butt (shout out to my Portuguese family!) so adding in more curves and still being super thin with muscles really just added to the attention I was getting. From a very early age, I associated my value with not only my appearance but my body. And that’s something that has carried with me throughout my life.

Having to unlearn all of that has been really hard.

Ultimately I think everyone has body image issues but in general it is something women deal with a lot more. I hate that as a woman who is super supportive of other women not being defined by appearance - I’ve allowed myself to be defined by it.

Tree of trust, I am a whole lot of other magical things that have nothing to do with my body. It’s really understandable however that a lot of my insecurities are wrapped up in my body and appearance. My traumas are body related and being sexualized at a young age has forced me to live in that headspace.

I don’t want to live there anymore. And I sincerely don’t want to be so hard on myself for how I look. I do not owe a body type to anyone. All I owe is a healthy and happy body to myself.

And I owe being a positive resource for myself. I deserve to love myself, love my body, and to respect it.

Look, this isn’t an easy journey. I’ve got to unpack and relearn a whole lot.

But I would like to be that for myself moving forward. Because being happy with myself has nothing to do with anyone but me.

The Female Form

The female body is celebrated.  It's coveted.  It's held to a higher standard.  The female form is everywhere.  On TV, in books, and all over social media. 

For women, this means as soon as we are old enough to understand - we are bombarded with media telling us our bodies are our value.  Our magazines teach us the best workouts and diets and how to use our bodies to please men.  The fashion world creates a divide between what's pretty and what's plus size or shameful.  And at the end of the day, no matter what we do or achieve, society still wants to talk about our bodies.

Lady Gaga put on one hell of a show at the Super Bowl this year.  And you know what went viral?  That she's got a belly.  Never mind that she doesn't (but who cares if she does) - the real issue is that enough idiots out there put more value on her body than her incredible talent.

Whenever a woman in Hollywood is photographed at an unflattering angle, she gets a cover wondering if she's pregnant.  There's no talk of her recent Oscar, Golden Globe, charity work, none of it.  It's about her having to defend herself because she ate some carbs that day and so she must be pregnant.  This is our news.

I ran into someone I knew in high school a month back and instead of asking me about my next adventure, my family, really anything of substance - he mentioned he saw on Facebook how much I've been working out lately and he's so happy I'm working on getting healthy and in shape.  Meanwhile - I just moved halfway across the country to start a new job and he's glad I'm working on my body.  Mind you - I'm healthy.  Am I heavier than I was at 16 years old when I was playing soccer and on two track teams?  Yea, I am. 

I've talked about my struggles before with body image.  The fact that I too placed a lot of my self worth in my body and what I looked like.  It took me years to overcome and I still have days I struggle.  That motivates me.  Seeing little girls wishing they weighed less and worrying about what they eat, that motivates me.  Hearing my beautiful friends hate nd belittle themselves for how they look, that motivates me.  It motivates me to be careful how I speak to myself, how I speak to others, and to make a conscious effort to stand up for women.

I've been a division one athlete.  I was a junior Olympian.  I've moved to two states I'd never been to before purely on faith in myself.  I'm a really loyal friend and family member.  I donate to charity.  I'm a talented writer.  I have an impressive resume.  I'm funny.  I'm a lot of things that have absolutely nothing to do with how I look.  And not looking like the ideal woman does not take away from any of those great qualities.

Women are so much more than our bodies.  And let's be honest - any body that can grow a human and then give birth to it - that is one incredible feat.  But outside of our amazing bodies, we are mothers and sisters and lovers and we are successful.  We are talented.  We have a lot of awesome things to contribute to the world.  Take the time to learn more about who we are and what we can do - because if you're one of those people who unfortunately place our bodies above all - you're missing out on a lot of awesome.  And its YOU that's the problem, not us.

Birthday Babe

TOMORROW IS MY BIRTHDAY!  EVERYBODY PANIC!  BUY ALL THE GIFTS!  THROW ALL THE GLITTER!

Tomorrow I'll be 31 years old!  What a journey these past 31 years have been!  Getting older is absolutely terrifying and amazing at the same time.  I spent a really long time unsure of who I was, constantly trying to be whatever perfect is, and I am so thankful that today I am finally loving the woman I have become. 

You could say I'm a late bloomer in that I took longer to choose a career path (I'm still holding out for Disney Princess), I spent years dating the wrong men (the last guy is the one who finally kicked the habit for me), and I hated my body instead of celebrating all the insane things its done for me (thank you track booty).  But here I am.  31 and I feel like my dreams are just starting to come true. 

The Female Body

You guys.  I have to tell you something really shocking.  I don't have the perfect body.

Ok - is everyone still with me?  I know, that was a lot and most of you probably still don't believe it, but its true. 

Being a woman is really hard.  From the time we are old enough to understand, we are told we are too tall, too fat, our skin is too dark, we are too thin, our hair is too thin, we are too pale - honestly the list never ends.  I just saw a YouTube tutorial the other day about contouring your legs.  I can't even manage to make winged eyeliner work and now I have to contour my legs to keep up?  No.  I'm drawing the line at contouring my legs.  Realistically I'm drawing the line at winged eyeliner and that's mostly because Adele hasn't put out a tutorial yet.  But I'm tired.  I'm tired of keeping up and tired of being told what I'm supposed to look like as a woman. 

For a good many years, I struggled with body image disorder.  Yes even in college when I was a division one athlete with very little body fat and one kick ass backside, I struggled with thinking I was fat. I vividly remember one of my male roommates making a joke about cellulite and not being able to think of anything else for a week.  I've hated my body so much that I wouldn't be naked in front of a mirror.  I've skipped going out because I felt so unattractive I didn't want to be in public. 

So what changed?  Why am I more confident at 30 - in a body with imperfections - than I was as a 20 year old?  To be completely honest, I changed.  I stopped accepting the idea of perfect and I stopped worrying about how to look like the ideal woman.  The flaws?  They're proof I've lived a full and happy life.  I don't worry about indulging too much one week because I'm on vacation.  I don't beat myself up over missed workouts.  I listen to what my body needs, I do what my body loves, and I praise my body for getting through a long list of ailments. 

There's always going to be a lot of opinions about what makes a woman attractive physically.  And its always changing.  And if you spend time talking to any woman you will hear a laundry list of things she wishes were different about her body.  Its a cycle.  Even the most positive strong female influences around fall victim to body shaming themselves or someone else.  How do we fix it?

We start by being body positive.  We embrace differences and flaws and we stop hating our bodies.  We stop judging other women.  And we stop supporting the companies and magazines who focus on looks.  And we hold men accountable for the same standards.  It starts with valuing yourself and empowering yourself and by doing that you refuse to let others tell you that your body and your beauty define you.

The thing that bothers me the most about body image today is that women are taught this is our biggest value.  You don't hear women talked about as scientists, authors, doctors, activists - you hear about what we wore, how much weight we lost - and that's what our daughters see.  Women are truly the fiercest creatures on the planet.  We give birth, we provide for our families, we work, we love and we truly do it all.  Own that.  Own how powerful and beautiful that is. 

It took me years to love my entire package.  Body, beauty, and brains - and I'll be damned if anyone can take that confidence from me.  I may not be the ideal image this world deems is what we should strive for - and that's good - because I wasn't made to fit any one mold anyway.  And now that I love everything I am - I'm told as a woman that makes me cocky.  If I respond to a compliment with a thank you, if I post a selfie because I like the way I look - I'm shallow and arrogant.  And I think that is your problem.  I think I'm attractive inside and out and I won't qualify that to make someone else more comfortable.  I'm not here for your comfort.  Whether or not someone thinks I'm attractive, or arrogant has very little to do with me and everything to do with their own insecurities.

I challenge all women to love yourself more.  Celebrate what you love about you.  And stop buying into a culture that forces women to compete against each other.  Tell the wonderful women in your life how special they are.  How beautiful they are both inside and out.  And stop the body bashing.  Stop the qualifying comments.  Tell each other we are strong, we are beautiful souls and we are more than what we look like.  Raise daughters who crave learning and adventuring more than they care about what they weigh.  Be part of changing the culture of conforming.  It's 2016 and we run this thing.