You and Only You

Stop expecting you from other people.

I say this to myself about 100 times a day. I sincerely struggle with the fact that not everyone at work and in life meets my effort, sincerity, and compassion.

I work really hard, I care a lot about being aware of others, I care a lot in general. I sit here and I’m like I don’t give any fucks, but I do, I give all of them.

Truth is, not everyone else does. Some people are OK existing in a status quo. They are less aware of what others think and feel. And that makes me insane.

But I can’t change it.

There really is nothing wrong with people who exist in a level of bare minimum. It’s not actively rude or bad, but to those of us who exist in the consistent level of striving for excellence; it is the absolute worst.

Learning to remind myself that it is unrealistic and unfair to expect ME in other people is one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. I actively struggle with this every single day, all day long. It has caused me heartache, hurt feelings, and misplaced anger because I really do not comprehend that other people do not share my values.

I know I’m not the only person who struggles with this idea that the way we are is not a standard expectation in society. People are not required to exist on that next level.

So how do you stop yourself from going crazy?

First, you have to remind yourself to set realistic expectations when interacting with the everyday human. You’re going to have to do this a lot throughout the day. And realize this isn’t about you. How others choose to live, is their own choice. It is not about you.

Second, you have a responsibility to be up front about your needs when it comes to your personal relationships. With a partner, friend, or family member - let them know what matters to you in a relationship. If you need them to commit more, say so. But realize that you may lose people in your life because they cannot match your efforts. Figure out what matters more, keeping them in your life or having them meet your expectations. Because they are not required to meet those expectations, it is not wrong for them not to.

Lastly - I think at work it’s worth singling out that you only need to worry about you. Not everyone is an overachiever. Stay in your lane. If it isn’t affecting your ability to do your job, it’s not your business. By nature, I want to take on more, grow, and push the limits of being the best. I have absolutely allowed the fact that others don’t do the same to frustrate me. I’ve allowed myself to get involved in things that aren’t my business. And now I’m actively removing myself from those equations. Because that’s on me.

My greatest weakness is that I do not fully comprehend not everyone is me. What I need to do is realize that my superpower is that nobody else is me.

Whatever is your biggest flaw can become your biggest asset. It’s all about how you choose to harness it. For years I let my expectations of others cripple me but now I use it to help me grow.

Have expectations, but don’t let them define your life. Expect the best but don’t be broken by the worst. Hold others to a higher standard, but don’t dictate the standards they choose for themselves.

You - and only you - are responsible for what you give and get out of life. Act accordingly.

I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T

We are going to do Independence day a little differently this year.  I'm all in for celebrating America, but this time, I'm celebrating the independence of the United States of ME.

It's been a year (or like 200 years) of trying to figure out how to be this badass human on my own.  To stand as me, for me, and to not apologize for that.

So this 4th of July, I'm going to celebrate all of the things that make me an independent human being. Big or small - we gonna celebrate them all!  And in keeping with my no apologies sentiment of late, I'm not going to provide an explanation for these reasons I'm celebrating. It doesn't matter, all that matters is that I value them.

I pay my own bills

I've moved to three states where I haven't known a soul

I got the dream job

I left the dream job

I broke up with the person who was wrong for me

I walked away from the amazing job offer that couldn't pay me my value

I expressed my feelings to a friend who wasn't making me feel appreciated

I committed to the hard cutoff 

I said I miss you

I traveled to Europe for two weeks

I have kept up my blog for almost two years

I learned how to schedule self care and stick with it

I got a side hustle, and made it successful

I paid off debt

I found a fitness routine that I'm in love with

I stood up against injustice 

I got educated and took steps towards preventing familial cancer

I've done a lot.  And taken a lot of steps that I'm very proud of.  I've got a lot of goals and steps towards being even more independent, but I'm proud of myself and how far I've come to better myself.

Remembering Yourself.

In an entire sitting on a flight to New York I read Ashley Grahams new book: A New Model.   for any woman who has ever struggled with body image - I highly recommend this book.  It's an extremely empowering novel that celebrates body diversity, body positivity, and the power of the female form.  But the part that really resonated with me was with how much I celebrate the beauty of other women, as much as I'm the first person to call out the great qualities of people around me - I am deserving of that kind of love too.

It's really important to me to celebrate the uniqueness of human beings.  I am that person in public who will tell strangers I love their outfit, their hair looks incredible, or they have a contagious smile.  I think if we all spent a little more time complimenting and lifting each other up, the world would be just a little bit softer.  But when it comes to myself, I'm kind of an asshole.

There is no negative thing anyone could say to me that I have not thought about myself.  I'm the first person to point out my flaws and I am constantly thinking about how to improve who I am. And while it's important to always be growing, it's equally important to appreciate who you are NOW. 

I recently started getting back into therapy and it's hit me like a ton of bricks that as much as I do love who I am - I am still really mean to myself.  I criticize where I'm at in my career, how hard I'm working out, nit pick at my appearance, worry about how committed I am to the people around me - etc. etc. etc.  And that is really exhausting.  And really unnecessary. 

So I'm working on looking at how kindly I treat others and figuring out how to be as kind to myself.  I'm an exceptional human being, in theory - I get that overall - I'm good people.  But learning to celebrate that every day and give myself the compliments that I give others, is absolutely necessary.  I'm out here doing my best too and my best is pretty dang good - I deserve love and celebration and compliments too.

There's a difference in self love and celebrating the self.  I truly do love who I am.  But being able to celebrate that love and confidence is critical to a healthy mentality.  So here's how I solve, because we all know I love a good list:

1. Everyday I write down something I love about me
2. T-H-E-R-A-P-Y
3. Learning to call myself and hold myself accountable when I get too judgmental of myself
4. Surrounding myself with people who are positive about themselves
5. Chill the F out

That's where we are.  Baby steps and small celebrations.  Hold me accountable and help me make this happen my sequins.  I'm kind of awesome, and I need to stop being such a jerk to myself because I certainly would never put up with anyone else treating me the way I treat me sometimes! 

#SparkleOn

Peace Man.

The key to any relationship - romantic, friendly, even the relationship with yourself - is forgiveness.  In order to gain peace of mind and live a truly happy life - you have to learn to forgive and be at peace with whatever that means.

The ultimate goal in life should be to obtain peace.  Peace within your relationships internally and with those around you.  To feel a sense of comfort, safety, and trust in the world and those around you.  And that means learning to forgive people and situations even if they don't have the outcome you hope for.   

As the biggest control freak out there - I relate to needing things to fit into certain categories and reach certain conclusions.  But that's not realistic.  It's impossible to have definitive conclusions and closure to every situation or relationships.  Being able to recognize that, accept it and neutralize your emotions with that - are the best skills you could ever have.

I had a friend I'd known for 20+ years.  Since we were the tiniest of children.  As we continued o grow up the relationship began to stress me out more and more.  But I never actually took the time to understand why or communicate that to her.  When I finally understood why I felt the way I did and spoke up - she wholeheartedly disagreed.  She felt very differently and it ended our relationship.  It took me a really long time to accept that there's no right and wrong in that situation.  And neither of us was going to understand the other or make a change.  At the end of the day, there's no resolve.  

Today - I am able to understand we grew into two different people.  the relationship became something that wasn't working.  I now understand I can't plead my case or change the way she feels. I accept that I can't change her feelings.  And I feel at peace with the fact that it is what it is.  The only thing I can do is focus on what is best and healthiest for me.  What brings me the most peace.

A lot of learning to be at peace, to embrace the calm and neutral space inside you is learning to get to know YOU.  It's understanding your feelings, being confident in who you are, and learning how you best fit into the world around you.  

Digging deeper - confidence in yourself, who you are and where you exist in your space are truly the most critical characteristics you can have.  Taking the time to be truly in tune with what makes you who you are, the good and the bad, gives you such an advantage in life.  Know your triggers, know where you thrive, and be able to love you for all of those things.

Feelings are my least favorite things in the world.  I've existed for 31 years with the tactic of ignoring emotions and it's all coming back to hit me smack in the face.  The ability to have feelings, understand feelings, and communicate those feelings - I'm certain that makes you some kind of super hero.  But seriously, having the awareness to know when you feel good, when you need a minute, and how to reset yourself to neutral is the ultimate level of zen.  Harness that ninja skill and use it to save the world.  

Learning where you fit - this means combining your confidence and awareness and choosing people and environments that help you maintain those qualities at a high level.  It's realizing if you're triggered by loud and opinionated vibes - you maybe don't become my friend.  It's knowing the type of situations and people who make you feel the most alive.  They challenge you in a way that makes you feel growth but not so much that you feel bad about who you are.  

Peace of mind is internal.  It's working on all of these components to set yourself up for success.  And then it's using those tools to help you understand how someone else feels, accept the situation for what it is, and find peace in it even if you don't find a solution to the situation.  

Find peace and find that next level of living your best life as your best self.  And then you #SparkleOn