What's Your Number?

Phenomenal movie, terribly irrelevant question.

The other day, someone asked me what my number was. As in how many sexual partners I’ve had. And I was fully speechless. Are people still asking that? I remember being younger before women were as empowered to make our own sexual choices without judgment (we still have a ways to go…) and sure, we asked each other and whispered our answers; but today? In 2019? In #Metoo? In the age of feminism?

The question should never have been asked. Not then, not now. It simply does not matter. Your body, your choice.

Look, I get it if you’re saving yourself for marriage or religiously opposed to joy, but other than that, it doesn’t matter.

The thing that does matter is that you’re clean, you’re respectful of your body and others, and you’re making confident decisions that are yours.

That’s it. That’s all that matters when it comes to how many people you choose to have sex with.

There are enough things we choose to judge people about, a lot of them unfortunately come down on women the hardest. We are expected to be thin, with perfect curves, tan, blond, smart, but not too smart, funny, confident,virginal but freaks in the sheets - ALL. THE. THINGS. And we aren’t. Thankfully. We are a lot of mixtures of these things and so much more. And we sure as hell don’t need anyone judging us for something else we are doing wrong.

Who you choose as your partner in life, in the bedroom - that’s your choice. Please never ask anyone what their number is, and please stop worrying about your own. Worry about numbers that matter, like your credit score, the number of hours you spend smiling, and the number of dogs you pet each day. Those are the numbers that you should ask people about. Those are the only numbers that should help define you.

Ownership

It’s the beginning of the year, the holiday season is over, and it’s me - so I’m going to reflect! I talk a lot of past relationships and dating, but I don’t think I’ve ever really talked about me as a partner in the past. Buckle up kids - this is gonna be good.

Growing up, I was really insecure. I’ve been told I came off really confident, so props to me for that fake out when I was constantly unsure of who I was.  

Spoiler alert, when you don’t love yourself, it’s really hard to be successful in loving others.  

I was a really bad girlfriend in high school. I was jealous, played games, and was overall unfair. Back then, I didn’t see it that way, but now I laugh at what a lunatic I was. Ok I get it, in high school nobody knows what they are doing. We all think we are going to marry that person and ride off into the sunset. You can’t tell us anything different because you just haven’t loved anyone like we have. Pause for dramatic storm out.  

Thankfully I grew up. And I found a way to love myself. It’s taken awhile. And it’s not always been pretty. I have pushed people away, been a jerk, but I’ve also been a pretty decent catch.  

What I’ve figured out along the way is that at times when I’m not feeling my best self, my relationship doesn’t go well either. I’m a bad girlfriend because I’m being a bad partner to myself first. 

That’s deep right? Thought of it myself, thanks so much.  

 We spend a lot of time talking about those who did us wrong. Who were bad partners. There are so many fire memes about exes. But do we look at who we were in relationships?

Now if your mate was abusive or an overall POS, this isn’t where you try and look at where you went wrong in the relationship. Forget those people, that wasn’t you. That was them. Love you, mean it.

But chances are in at least one relationship, you might haven’t been the best either. Were you in a bad place? Unwilling to compromise? Unable to communicate? Unfaithful? It happens. It doesn’t make you a bad person or less of a catch.

Take the time to evaluate who you are in your relationships. The more self aware you are, the stronger you will be as a partner in the future. And when you are aware, you’re more in tune with what you’re looking for in a relationship. End result? You have more successful relationships.

Think about it. How often do you see your friends in bad relationships because they’re unsure of who they are, unaware of the bad partner they’ve been, and unwilling to admit to any of those things? I can think of at least three friends without missing a beat who I know will not have successful relationships until they confront the partner they  are.

I’ve been a bad girlfriend. I’ve been too busy, too insecure, too set in my ways. Knowing that now, reflecting on why I was that way, helps me to be a better person and partner now. It also has turned into me making better choices about who I date. When you love yourself and know how you deserve to be treated, you don’t settle for anything less.

Reflecting on painful breakups and relationships that caused you distress is not easy. It’s generally the past we prefer to bury away forever. I encourage you to drag it out anyways. Get really uncomfortable with your dark and stormy so that you can experience your bright and shiny.

How to Find a Mate

I often talk about how hard dating is in a world on apps and websites and instant gratification. I'm not sure I've ever offered up an alternative solution for those of us who aren't comfortable online dating and we don't spend a lot of time in bars. I'm not sure there's any magical place to find a quality partner, but there are certainly ways to help increase your chances.

Vibe

What vibe are you giving off? We often meet people when we least expect it. But sometimes we scare them off by our actions and attitude. Are you in a good head space to be in a good relationship?Happy and healthy physically and mentally with who you are and where you're at in life? Can you call yourself a good prospect? Start with yourself before you can even remotely come near meeting anyone else worth your time.

Location

Where you live can often play a role in your ability to find someone of romantic prospect. If you live in rural Iowa, you have a limited pool to choose from. If you're considering moving to Utah, you may want to consider there are significantly more married people than single. If you're in NYC/LA/SF - you've got a larger group of eligible suitors in general as well as a more diverse population to choose from.

Work

A lot of people in their mid 20's to mid 30's meet their significant other at work. You're there so often that it's easy to build relationships with the people around you. Now if you work from home, probably not easy to meet and get to know colleagues/potential mates. Similarly, if you're a straight female in the beauty industry, you're not meeting as many options as you would if you were in sports marketing. But keep your eyes open at a large office, there are plenty of single people and at least you know they have a job!

Play

Where are you spending your free time? If you're at bars and clubs every weekend, that's the quality you're going to find in a partner. Spend time in places that reflect the person you are. If you're into reading, go to a bookstore/library/cafe. Love the outdoors? Get to hiking/walking/kayaking. Passionate about fitness? Go to the gym/class/track. The point is, you can't find the right person if you're not into the party scene yet you go searching for the right person in the party scene.

Time

This is two parts. One, are you allowing time for a relationship? I know I've had times in my life that I'm simply unable to (or unwilling to) make time for another person to be in my world. That's ok. Timing truly is everything.

Two, stop going out in the wee hours of the night hoping that Prince Charming (or Princess Charming) is going to be out at this time. Alternatively, don't go to a 5PM dinner and think you're meeting anyone in your age group worth investing in. Focus on the sweet spot times with the appropriate activities. Happy hour 4-6, Dinner 7-9, Kickball in the evenings, Coffee shops Saturdays 9-1. Focus people, timing. is. everything.

Friends

I just want to say please don't set me up with your friends. That whole process is so weird and often times it's friends thinking they're setting you up with some great human and it's not someone you're even remotely attracted to and its all just so awkward. But do pay attention to friends of friends as you spend time in social circles. Often times you're able to connect with people who have similar interests and lifestyles and you know they aren't crazy because they spend time with your friends! It's also great to be able to ask your friends directly about someone you may be interested in. They're able to give you some inside perspective on who the person is.

Chill

This is the biggest thing. Stop spending all of your time trying to find the right person. Stop talking about being single/wanting a partner 24/7. Start living your life. It's ok to actively be open to love and make yourself available to do so, but when that becomes your focus, it's not going to happen. You won't meet anyone worthwhile when all you're doing is making that your daily purpose. It's also a sign you don't value yourself.

I don't know the secret to meeting the right person. I'm not sure there's any secret at all. But there are things you can be doing to increase your chances of finding a quality human to get to know. If that's something you're really looking for, make sure you're going about it in a healthy way and then look to fill your time with some of these tips!

Happy hunting sequins...

Relationship Goals

I freaking hate the idea of relationship goals. You know what my relationship goals are? They're to love myself and have a healthy confident relationship with me, myself, and I. I'd also like to have strong, happy, reciprocal relationships with the people I love around me.

Social media is a highlight reel. It's like Sports Center Top 10 for couples. And I find the couples that aren't in the healthiest, happiest relationships, are the ones posting relationship goals style content the most often.

Relationships are not easy. They're not perfect. When I hear a couple talk about never fighting, I know that couple isn't in a healthy mature place. People fight. Being monogamous takes work. To never disagree, fight, or struggle in your partnership, that's just not realistic.

To that end, its certainly every person's right to post whatever they want on the socials. It's truly nobody's business what you choose to share with the world. Your relationship is yours to put in the world however you see fit.

But I'm a human being. And you're annoying AF when you're out here pretending your love life is rainbows and unicorns when I damn well know your shit is one argument at Taco Bell away from completely imploding. And it is my business if you're sharing those pieces with me but fronting for the rest of the world on Facebook.

In my 20's I shared alllllll of my relationships on social media. I was young and in love and proud of whatever moment I was in. But I'm an adult now. And I know, that for all the times my romantic life seemed like a fairy tale, it certainly wasn't. From the abusive boyfriend who other women gushed about as being a dreamboat, to the one with the drug problem who seemed like a hero, there were flaws. Again, mine to share as I saw fit. But what I've learned is that the healthiest relationships are the ones you rarely see on social media. You catch a photo, a cute tag, but there's not that incessant need to say "look at how happy we are."

The less time you spend posting about your relationship, the more time you spend actually being in the relationship. If you're truly happy and developing a strong partnership, you understand the importance of that existing in the privacy of your personal world.

And for the women (and men) who constantly feel like they're not measuring up to the relationship goals of celebrities and their own friends - remember, what you see on social media, that's a show. It's carefully crafted, controlled content chosen because of the feeling it gives the person posting it. Whether that be genuine joy or compensation for something that's not measuring up, don't buy into the very small picture you see.

Relationship goals are a hashtag, and we all know those don't stay relevant long.

The Story.

Most everyone has people in their life that are the bad part of their story. A boss who is a jerk. An old partner who cheated. An abusive family member. A friend who broke our trust. But do you ever stop to think...

We are all the bad in someone else's story.

I certainly haven't and I'd like to think I'm a pretty conscientious human being.

Realistically it's true. There are people out in the universe who still pine for you, harbor anger for you, or resent you for a perceived wrong.

We are all someone's biggest regret, sworn enemy, or worst boss.

I'm not entirely sure what the motivation behind whomever said this quote was but for me it's about perspective. It's about reminding myself every situation in life has two people with two different perspectives on what transpired.

Reminding myself that perspective plays such a large role in every encounter, I am moved to be a little bit more compassionate and a little bit more in control of negative outbursts.

Being the bad part of someone else's story also reminds me that I have control over what controls me. There are people who the mere mention of their name gives me anxiety or heartache or anger. And that's on me. Just like for these people that hold the same emotions for me, the responsibility is on them to determine how long they want to allow those feels to control their lives.

We are all intertwined. Connected in ways we may not truly understand. The more you strive to be a better human, a responsible human (for yourself), and an aware human, the better juju we all have in each other's stories.

At the end of the day, you don't get to write the book for someone else. The character you play might not be one you'd like to portray, but its not yours to write. Good or bad, do your best to understand its not always yours to write.