The Measure of Success

Growing up I always associated success with winning. Being the best. Having the most. I thought success was titles and money and being a champion.

I realized the other day just how much my measure of success has changed.

Money matters to me. I like having a comfortable life. I like upgraded amenities and the ability to travel whenever I want.

I like titles. I love the reward that comes with working hard and being promoted. I enjoy the respect that comes with getting to the next level.

I also don’t need those things to consider myself a success. I don’t need them in excess to show that I have made something of myself.

I think I’ve survived a lot of adversity. The fact that I’ve chosen to commit to overcoming that makes me a success.

That I’ve worked my ass off and now work at one of the world’s most recognizable companies is a success. I never gave up and I never settled.

Success to me is emotional health. It’s financial comfort. It’s mental wellness. Success is love for myself.

Success of my past was entirely related to my career. It was climbing the ladder and never stopping.

Success of my future is joy. It’s confidence. It’s love. I

I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t also driven by my career, but it is not the whole sum of what success looks like.

What does success look like for you?

Ownership

It’s the beginning of the year, the holiday season is over, and it’s me - so I’m going to reflect! I talk a lot of past relationships and dating, but I don’t think I’ve ever really talked about me as a partner in the past. Buckle up kids - this is gonna be good.

Growing up, I was really insecure. I’ve been told I came off really confident, so props to me for that fake out when I was constantly unsure of who I was.  

Spoiler alert, when you don’t love yourself, it’s really hard to be successful in loving others.  

I was a really bad girlfriend in high school. I was jealous, played games, and was overall unfair. Back then, I didn’t see it that way, but now I laugh at what a lunatic I was. Ok I get it, in high school nobody knows what they are doing. We all think we are going to marry that person and ride off into the sunset. You can’t tell us anything different because you just haven’t loved anyone like we have. Pause for dramatic storm out.  

Thankfully I grew up. And I found a way to love myself. It’s taken awhile. And it’s not always been pretty. I have pushed people away, been a jerk, but I’ve also been a pretty decent catch.  

What I’ve figured out along the way is that at times when I’m not feeling my best self, my relationship doesn’t go well either. I’m a bad girlfriend because I’m being a bad partner to myself first. 

That’s deep right? Thought of it myself, thanks so much.  

 We spend a lot of time talking about those who did us wrong. Who were bad partners. There are so many fire memes about exes. But do we look at who we were in relationships?

Now if your mate was abusive or an overall POS, this isn’t where you try and look at where you went wrong in the relationship. Forget those people, that wasn’t you. That was them. Love you, mean it.

But chances are in at least one relationship, you might haven’t been the best either. Were you in a bad place? Unwilling to compromise? Unable to communicate? Unfaithful? It happens. It doesn’t make you a bad person or less of a catch.

Take the time to evaluate who you are in your relationships. The more self aware you are, the stronger you will be as a partner in the future. And when you are aware, you’re more in tune with what you’re looking for in a relationship. End result? You have more successful relationships.

Think about it. How often do you see your friends in bad relationships because they’re unsure of who they are, unaware of the bad partner they’ve been, and unwilling to admit to any of those things? I can think of at least three friends without missing a beat who I know will not have successful relationships until they confront the partner they  are.

I’ve been a bad girlfriend. I’ve been too busy, too insecure, too set in my ways. Knowing that now, reflecting on why I was that way, helps me to be a better person and partner now. It also has turned into me making better choices about who I date. When you love yourself and know how you deserve to be treated, you don’t settle for anything less.

Reflecting on painful breakups and relationships that caused you distress is not easy. It’s generally the past we prefer to bury away forever. I encourage you to drag it out anyways. Get really uncomfortable with your dark and stormy so that you can experience your bright and shiny.

Women Supporting Women

I'm a huge fan of humans supporting each other in general, but today I'd like to talk about some women out there hustling for the dream. I'm constantly inspired by women who are able to take their passions and turn them into a business. From blogging to designing, their talents are endless and their drive a fire that's hard to match. Check out some women I know and some I don't (but fan girl over anyways).

Brains Over Blonde (Blogger)

One of my babe squad members sent me to Anna's IG and from there I started reading her blog. Anna is fiercely female and refuses to compromise her femininity or her status as a boss. She's insanely honest, transparent, and relatable.

Castlefield Design (Luxury Branding)

I went to college with Sophie. She's this super educated, aware, and involved (and gorgeous to boot) woman who also happens to be a talented designer. From stationary to clothing to packaging and logos, she does it all. What's better than a custom design that's fresh for your business/event/style?

Lisa Bone Designs (Artist)

Lisa has been a close family friend since as long as I can remember. She's a very talented ceramic artist who sells and shows in galleries in Northern California. She is the one who helped get my mom to discover her passion for making pottery and she's just an incredible human.

Miranda Baugh (Photographer) 

I met Miranda through friends and instantly fell in love with this freaking dope woman. She is now a budding photographer who often utilizes her ridiculously adorable (and sassy) daughter as a subject. Her photos focus on the spirit of people and their life experiences. If you're in AZ, check her out for a shoot. She's also dabbling with blogging and I can't wait to keep reading.

Lesley Murphy (Travel Blogger)

I came across Lesley on IG. She basically dropped everything and decided to travel the world for I believe close to three years. She now has a home base in LA for the first time in years. Her IG is envious with its stunning adventure photos and her posts are insightful. She highlights giving back and something I heavily relate to - she got a double mastectomy to prevent breast cancer after testing positive for the BRCA gene. I love that she's real, seems to have a heart of gold, and she's living my dream life of experiencing all the world has to offer.

Raised By Wolves (Kid's Wear)

My cousin is a total craft genius. She can upcycle, reuse, and repurpose anything to make it DIY gold. She started Raised By Wolves to provide quality, eco friendly clothing and goods for kids and that same craft genius carries through this shop. She's boho meets world traveler meets amazing mama to the sweetest bear cub. Her shop features everything from clothing to books to toys to housewares. And she's big on keeping it local, ethical, yet always fabulous.

Ladies - who are your favorite female business owners or simply just women who inspire you and you crush on for how freaking awesome they are?

Where You're Going

I see a lot of people who like to make it very clear they came from nothing.  That they didn't have family money or support.  That they truly started from the bottom, now they here (shout out to Drake).  And that's admirable for sure.  I dig people who create their own success.  

Here's the thing.  I come from a privileged background.  I didn't start from the bottom.  I started from a place where I damn well should succeed.  I have two loving parents.  A very nice home in the burbs.  I've never wanted for anything because even in times of struggle, we never worried about where our next meal came from.  

I recognize and am thankful for that privilege.  A lot of people have to work hard simply because they were born into a different life.  But I don't think my success is in any way less impressive or tarnished because I wasn't born into great struggle.  

Quite frankly, it's not a competition.  My success recognizes your success.  I don't have to prove to you that I did this thing any certain way.  I don't apologize for having a kick ass support system.  My struggles and road blocks are none of your business.  My levels of success are none of your business.  

I am in full support of recognizing that privilege is a thing.  It's actually mind boggling when people claim it's not.  I certainly had a bit of an easier go being born white in a  middle class world than a black woman born into a low socioeconomic life.  

What I won't own is feeling bad for my success.  Or feeling like my success means less because of my privilege.  Or that I owe someone something for my success because I achieved success in a privileged world.  

If you came from nothing and made it big, you damn well yell it from the rooftops.  If you came from the elite and worked hard and all your dreams came true, buy a billboard and tell the world.  

I want to hear about your success but I want to also hear about where you're going.  I want to hear about your success in relation to YOU.  Not in relation or compared to someone else.  Everyone suffers.  Everyone has moments they're at their rock bottom. Everyone's story is different.  Money doesn't equal happiness.  Being born into great privilege doesn't guarantee your ultimate success. And being born into abject poverty doesn't guarantee your failure.   

Define your journey for YOU.  Compare your future to where YOU are and where YOU want to go.  Your success and failures are a direct result of YOU.  YOU.  Nobody else but YOU.

Rollercoaster of Life

Life is like a roller coaster.  It's a series of ups and downs, highs and lows, twists and turns - you are never always on top and you are never stuck at the bottom.  

There is a lot of pressure in society to constantly be on.  To define success by always being in a great place.  But in reality - life is in constant transition.  You cannot possibly always have it all and to pretend you do is a really sad, exhausting lie.

In my past - I have fallen victim to the  pressure to prove myself.  To show those around me that I am in fact successful because I'm always onto the next step.  Truthfully, I've had some incredible success, failures, and unfortunate lessons that weren't really a success or a failure.  I've been laid off, accepted my dream job, been unemployed for 6 months, made a Division One track program, been consistently injured, felt incredible about myself, and been at the absolute bottom of the bottom.  

The point is - stop trying to be anything to anyone but yourself.  Stop pressuring yourself to prove you're a success to the masses and start focusing on how you define success for yourself.  

I used to define success by money and career status.  The more I've grown and asked myself why I felt that way - the more I've learned that my success is surviving my struggles, finding joy, and creating relationships that make me feel good.  

Do I want to have a successful career with financial stability?  Absolutely.  But I want a career that gives me passion, happiness - and fills my bank account so that I can travel and spend time with my humans.  I don't care if I'm the CEO of the Universe - that might impress Facebook, but if I'm unhappy, that's a failure.

Equally - a year ago I was laid off from a job I hated.  I made the decision to move home because I didn't want to build a life in LA anymore and financially - I needed to be smarter.  I was 31 and living at home.  It took me 6 months to find a job I was willing to accept and build a future on.  During that time - I was told by people very close to me that I was failing.  That I had done so much only to fall so far.  At first - I was mortified and started to believe what I was being told.  But something happened - I also got really protective of myself.  I did not consider myself failing.  Was it easy?  Was it where I wanted to be?  Absolutely not.  But I did not fail.  I was not at my lowest low.  I needed that time to regroup, make sure I was setting myself up for success financially, and to not rush into another bad situation.  I am not embarrassed by that time in my life.  It was part of my rollercoaster.  

In relationships, in careers, in health and in happiness - life will not be a constant peak.  You will fall and tumble and fall again.  You will rise and stay so high and then plateau and peak again.  Every single person in the world lives by this pattern.  You are not unique in having the roller coaster experience.  Take comfort in the fact that we all go through things that none of us see.  And remember in that vain - because you can't see everyone's highs and lows - we are all fighting battles and celebrating successes you know nothing about.  

You don't owe your story to anyone.  You don't have to show the world anything but what you choose to share.  The more you find the confidence to do what lights your world on fire - the less you need validation from society around you.

You are the one who has to live with each choice you make.  The people you're trying so hard to show your amazing life to - they don't matter.  They aren't part of your story, they're spectators to the world you present to them.  What do you want your life to look like, feel like, and say to your soul?

Career Journey

I'm 31 and I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. 

As a kid - I wanted to be an actor, an athlete, a doctor and at one point a lion tamer.  As I grew up the doctor stuck, I added lawyer, got injured enough to rule out athlete and considered interior design.  College came and went and my passion for sports stuck.  I also began to realize I loved to plan events and I was really good at the creative details.

It took me five job changes to land my dream job planning events for a professional sports team.  I had the creative freedom to produce some incredible events, I was immersed in a field I loved and I was building relationships that continue to thrive today. 

Within a year I realized that although I loved what I was doing - I wasn't happy in the organization.  I dreaded showing up to the office, my mental and physical health suffered and I was just plain miserable.  A year and a half in I left.  And that left me at a really scary point in my career: if my dream job isn't making me happy, what will?

 A few months later I was offered a leadership role at a prestigious division one university - the winningest D1 school in history at that.  When I arrived I was invigorated with the possibilities of working with the best of the best and excited to advance my career. 

Very quickly I realized this role wasn't what was promised when I interviewed.  I was bored.  I had less responsibility than advertised.  I was micromanaged more than anywhere I'd ever been - including my time as an intern in college.  I left.  And again - I was at a standstill.

Fast forward six months - I left my job in Los Angeles almost six months ago.  I've interviewed, I've turned down opportunities, I've been turned down for opportunities.  I started a website.  I've been a guest blogger.  I've traveled.  I've spent entire days watching TV.  It's been a really long six months of self discovery, struggle, excitement, fear, risk taking, and growth.

And this month - I'll take a leap of faith and start my next opportunity.  I say opportunity because it is - it's a chance for me to find somewhere I want to put down roots.  To expand my resume and my creative mindset. 

Not a lot of people understand my journey.  Some of my closest friends and family question my decisions and consider me failing in my life.  And that's ok.  That's why it's MY journey.  Part of the journey is not just finding your career or even building your life - a big part of that journey is accepting yourself along the way. 

I am not a failure.  I'm incredibly brave.  I'm incredibly talented.  I'm incredibly high achieving.  I ran division one track.  I got my degree at one of the best universities in the world.  I wanted to be an event planner - I am.  I dreamt of working for a professional sports team and I did.  I vowed to start and maintain a blog - I am.  I moved to a state I'd never been to and didn't know a soul.  I know who I am, what I'm capable of and I refuse to ever settle. 

I'm a success because I take chances, I work hard, I follow my passions and I continue to grow.  I know I'm not the best because the best means there's nothing left to do.  I know my journey isn't traditional.  It's not safe.  It's not even easy to follow as an outsider.  I often have doubts about what I'm doing - but at the end of the day - I don't doubt myself.  Because I don't fail.  I can't fail.  I don't know how to fail.  I may fall, but I will always get back up and come back stronger.

I'm a mentor to some of my former students.  It's my favorite thing about my career journey and the most rewarding "job" I could ever have.  I truly believe in these students and encouraging them to focus on their own journeys.  And to never settle or give up on their dreams.  I continue to remind them that its a journey, a process and its not always enjoyable.  But at the end of the day - it is always worth it.  I like to think that my nontraditional journey serves as a guide for them.  To see that you don't have to do the expected.  It's ok to take a left instead of a right.  And it's encouraged to take the calculated risk. 

Careers are hard.  What you do doesn't define who you are - but it sure as hell shows a lot of your character and takes up a lot of your time.  It shows you who's ok being comfortable and who likes to push boundaries.  It makes clear who needs the 8-5 routine and who craves the all over the place no two days are the same culture.  Personally - I could never understand the tradition of the 8-5, the routine of the annual review with the promotion to the next level at the standard two year intervals - it's not for me.  I need to feel passion for what I do - I need to have the opportunity to break through the standard promotion structure - and I'm willing to say thank you for the chance to be here but I need to move on. 

So I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.  I know I want to be somewhere long term, I know I want to grow with a company that I believe in - with a team that believes in me.  I want to wok hard every day with people I know want to do the same.  And I'm willing to continue on my often complicated - yet always sparkly - journey until I get to that ultimate dream.  You don't have to understand my career path - and I don't need your approval.  Just know I'm not a girl who settles and neither should you.

Defining Success

America is a country that values success.  We put the American dream above all else.  But what does success mean?  How is success defined?  Traditionally, success often correlates to money.  To having status because you've leveled up to millionaire.  We are a culture that values things more than we value anything else.  We are a culture obsessed with the Kardashians, flashy cars, fancy jewels, and oversized homes.  And just when you think you've made it - someone else comes along and shows you haven't quite got enough. 

Having grown up in a wealthy suburban California town - I understand that success and money go hand in hand.  I always dreamed of the day I would become wealthy and be able to not only buy whatever I wanted, but to support my parents as they got older too.  I love all the things.  The shoes, the shiny jewels, the fancy cars - I enjoy getting my hair and nails done - and I live for traveling.  But I also started my career in an industry that traditionally doesn't pay well.  Like living off top ramen and paying for gas with change not well.  Certainly as I've elevated my career I've elevated my paycheck - but I'm 31 and I am not millionaire. 

By American standards, and by the standards of my country club town - I am not successful.  That's caused me to stop and think.  To reevaluate what success means to me.  Because although I'm not a millionaire (yet), I am not a failure.  I've built a career that I can be proud of.  I've continued to climb the ladder, I've become a mentor to others, and I've set myself up to run my own business one day - and that's certainly not failing.

I've also come to think of success as not strictly related to business.  The most successful people are the people that understand work does not define you.  When I first started out in my career until very recently - I prioritized work over everything.  Even over my health.  Eventually I decided my health, my family, and my friends were more important.  I didn't want to miss the special occasions, I didn't want to be sick and tired all the time - I wanted balance.  And finding a balance between a thriving career and a thriving personal life is success at the highest level. 

Ultimately success means having a strong healthy relationship with myself and others, continuing to grow in my career, and being fiscally stable.  It's being able to recognize that I will forever be a work in progress and that what makes me the most successful is who I am to myself and to the people most important to me.  Money is incredible.  Money affords some amazing opportunities - but money doesn't define success.  I know a lot of really wealthy people who are utter failures at being decent human beings.  And I know people who barely survive and would still give you their last dollar. 

Take time to define what success means to you.  And then throughout the year evaluate where you're at in relation to your definition of success.  Personally - I don't care how much money you have in your bank account if you can't be bothered to be a good person.  In my world, success is joy, its passion, its overcoming adversity, its helping others, its so much more than a dollar figure. 

What does success mean to you?