I'm sorry

Part of growing and accepting myself has revolved around not being sorry for existing. Women specifically have often been taught to exist quietly. We apologize often, beg off compliments, and often try our best to blend in.

I’ve never been able to blend in. And I never will be.

I am forever guilty of begging off compliments, sharing credit when its mine to own, and apologizing for being a really big personality.

It’s exhausting.

And the more I grow and love myself, the more people are intimidated by that. I’ve been called arrogant, too much, bossy - honestly I’ve heard it all.

When you choose to love yourself, to stop apologizing for existing, you have to accept that not everyone is so brave. They may try to break you down because they cannot do what you have done. That is not yours to own.

Start recognizing when you apologize or belittle yourself. Take the time to stop, correct the behavior, and move forward. The more you do so, the more you’ll find you stop apologizing.

I’m not saying I’ve mastered the art of this skill. I have my moments where I make myself smaller to make others comfortable. But I’m trying.

The fun part about refusing to be sorry is that the less I do it, the more confident I am. I love myself more. I get this insane sense of faith in myself and what I can do for this world.

Who are you to shrink yourself to make others comfortable? What if you could change the world but you stayed small because you weren’t able to stand up and say I won’t apologize because I have so much to give. I say it often because it seems to prove true with each day - but you have one life. One chance to get the most out of it. Would you rather simply exist or unapologetically thrive?

My 14th Mid-Life Crisis

In the past year (or so), I've had no less than about one billion major life changes.  I left an abusive work environment, moved to Los Angeles, was laid off from a job I didn't even enjoy, had a health scare (or two), have been dealing with major family issues, had a breakup with a guy I never should have dated, moved to a new state, got a job in a new industry, and the list goes on.  For someone who truly is all sparkles and smiles - my shine level has felt a little low at times. 

Which leads me to my 14th mid-life crisis. 

I am often told it appears I have it all figured out.  That everything in my life is together.  I've got the career, the confidence, the looks (GUYS STAWWWP), you get the point.  And for that reason, I felt it was important to make it crystal clear that this is not in fact true.

I don't have everything figured out.  I struggle like the rest of you.  Some days I'm exhausted and fed up and question all the choices I've made.  And some days, I feel like nothing can stop me.  But not once do I feel like I am the picture of perfection.

I try to be very open about my insecurities and my battles because I'm very aware that I can come off unicorns and rainbows 24/7.  But recently I've had a lot of people come to me for advice and guidance with their own struggles.  It was pointed out to me that it's because I appear to have all the answers.

Guys - I don't.  I have like 4 answers and they all end in wine or glitter.  You know what, 5 answers because puppy snuggles. 

In all seriousness (gross who is serious?) - my life isn't completely put together - but it isn't falling apart either - and that's because I will not ever let it.  I have my mini mid life crisis and I move on.  Maybe it seems I've got it all figured out because I stay positive, work hard, and reflect on where I'm at.  I'm not dwelling on what's going wrong and if something is going wrong you can bet I'm actively working to fix it.

Sometimes I have a mid life crisis.  I actually think I'm on 32 at this point.  I have complete breakdowns and I question my choices and where I'm at.  I make the wrong decision.  I let myself have a moment of weakness.  I'm the same as everyone else out there who experiences these thins in life.  The only difference, I don't let it define me.

I am beyond flattered that people come to me for advice.  I feel eternally humbled when people tell me they can relate to what I write about.  And I love being able to speak from experience to help other people get through hard times.  Because I have been there.

Maybe I do have it more together than most.  But truthfully, I think I'm just more willing to suck it up, change my situation (or my attitude) and push for what I want. 

 This is making me feel better already.  Goodbye 14th midlife crisis. See you for 15 in a month or so? 

Squad Goals.

I'm 31.  And for some reason I think that makes me old and wise.  Like 95 and lived it all old and wise.  Because of that - I like to share my knowledge with ya'll as if its the law of physics. 

Today, we will learn about #SquadGoals.  For those of you not as hip as me - the squad is the friendship group you keep.  I'm actually not sure if the kids are still saying squad, but they should. 

At 21 - the squad goals revolve around being seen with the coolest people, knowing the right people who can get you free table service and really just being seen at the right places.  It's a lot of work to maintain that lifestyle and the squad is ever changing due to drama and the hierarchy.  One wrong move and you're demoted to a less awesome squad and really what else is there to live for?

At 31 - the squad goals revolve around being with the most positive real people, knowing they've got your back, and being with people you can sit on your couch getting wine wasted with and feel at ease. 

I'm a really big fan of squad goals at 31.  I'm already an anxious person - I don't need to be worrying about where I stand in the squad, if I've been seen enough on a weekend, and who I need to suck up to in order to stay relevant.  Now let's not get it twisted - in my day I was really good at the free table service, doing the celebrity pro athlete casual "I hang with so and so" thing (vomit), and always the last one to leave the party - but today - I am not that person - and I love that.

My squad now is what makes me a better person.  They're teaching me its ok to be vulnerable.  They call me on my bullshit.  They support me fiercely.  These are the people that are my family.  And they're worth more than a night at the club at the best table any day of the week.  I think the even cooler thing is a lot of these people knew me at my 20s hot mess (but still sparkly) phase and they still think I rock. 

At 31 - I want stability.  I crave loyalty.  I thrive on positivity. And the people I consider my squad embody these things.  They're the realest of the real and I couldn't want anything more. 

My squad consists of the people I sit on the couch with drinking wine and pinteresting with.  They're the people who know I need Taco Bell sometimes and as disgusting as that is - they're in the passenger seat ordering tacos for everyone.  They're the friends who know I am 100% down for brunch but don't ask me to go somewhere at 10PM because I'm already in my onesie snuggling my puppy.  And they are the best humans that can tell when I'm not ok and force themselves on me because they care that much. 

Squad Goals at 31 are my cheerleaders, my judge and jury, my perfectly imperfect people I could never live without.  Maybe we aren't the coolest (lies), the most on the scene (Is the dog park a scene?), or hanging out with celebrities (right, like they can even compare) every night - but we are real and doing our best in this world to just figure it all out.  And when you've got a good gang to do that with - that's true #SquadGoals.

Open to More.

I grew up in California.  I spent 26 years living in California.  Californians are generally brought up a bit more liberal.  We are existing in a pretty diverse community surrounded by so many religious, political, and lifestyle beliefs that it becomes second nature.  I'm more comfortable around diverse groups of people than I am in a room of people that share my lifestyle.

I've always considered myself an extremely open minded person.  I generally believe in treating everyone as you wish to be treated.  But living in the South has taught me a whole new way to open my mind and really think about the different beliefs of people around me. 

Texas is generally a conservative state.  There is still a lot of racism, restrictions on women's reproductive rights, and a lot of Trump supporters.  And a lot of these people are really vocal about those beliefs.  They preach Christianity but also shout from the rooftops really ignorant beliefs.  And something I've learned - is that you can't talk reason to someone who truly believes in what they've been bred to believe.

I'm not into dividing people politically.  I actually think people who commit their lives to one party are misguided.  It's more important to me to look at the bigger picture and how policy fits into the lives of Americans rather than blindly following red vs. blue.  But the more I speak to the die hard reds out here, the more open minded I've become.

I used to clump any Trump supporter in a group of idiots.  Because how could anyone possibly vote for such a truly horrible human being.  But then I've met people whom I truly respect and enjoy that have also made the mistake of voting for Trump.  And it's given me pause.  It's forced me to understand why they felt the need to support such a person.  And while I still don't agree with that support - I cannot possibly just lump those in the Trump voter category as idiots.  Now if they're still actively touting this man as a great human being, my respect does dwindle but I digress.

It's interesting to be forced to look at someone who's beliefs you actively disagree with in a new light.  No, I don't suddenly feel that a bunch of old white men have any business directing what I can do with my body - but I do feel more compassion for the people that truly believe these things.  They've grown up in a really different world than I have.  They feel their religion dictates what they believe.  Or they're sheltered by their circumstances.  The point is - people are a whole compilation of their background, religion, lifestyle, the people they spend the most time with - and they're not simply X, Y, and Z opinions.

Taking the time to find my patience, ask the questions, and be more accepting - that's what the South is teaching me.  Slowly, but surely, I'm getting there.  I'm starting to realize how lucky I was to grow up in a state that gave me the world of diversity it did.  I truly never thought in 2017 there were people out there in major cities promoting hate and antiquated views - but there are.  And they're not a rarity.  That's why continuing to talk - respectfully - is critical to the cycle of life today.  And its equally as critical that even when you vehemently disagree with someone else, that you treat them with respect. 

...Unless they're actively hurting other people, then the gloves are off and I'm coming for you - because you have every right to believe what you believe, but the second it hurts another, you're out of bounds and deserve to be shown a better way.

#ShineOn