Maybe Not.

Throughout my egg freezing process, a lot of people couldn’t really comprehend that I am not sure if I want kids. I got a lot of “you’ll change your mind” and “It’s just because you’re single.” It seems to bother women a lot that I may not want to reproduce. Or it feels unbelievable for them.

I don’t know if I want kids. I’m actually leaning more towards not wanting them after freezing my eggs.

And that’s ok. It’s more than ok because it’s my body, my life and my very personal choice.

I’m not sure what it is that makes women not understand that not everyone is born to reproduce or feels that need to have children but it’s such a weird thing for women to accept in another woman.

I love my life. I love that I can travel. I love that I can spend my money and my time on me. And that I can prioritize me. I’m really selfish with my life right now. Bringing a child into that would mean I don’t get to live that way anymore.

For a lot of women, having kids has always been a dream. They want to be moms more than anything in the world, and I think that’s wonderful. One of my very best friends has wanted to be a mom since we came out the womb herself and watching her make that happen - that makes my heart so happy.

The thing is - I like kids. Kids like me. We do really well together. I love to spoiled my friends kids, a lot. And I genuinely enjoy the overload of pictures (yea so I demand to be in the family album on iPhone!) and stories. I absolutely want you to tell me how smart your kid is because fuck yea we are raising this kid to be the next President. I am your community to do that. But I like that I can give them back at the end of the day and get back to my selfish life.

Maybe that will change. Maybe it won’t. Maybe I’ll have 4 kids and adopt 32 more. Maybe I’ll never have any.

Kids and the responsibility that come with them, that’s a big deal. That’s a lot of responsibility and something I want to be damn sure all in for before I start growing one. So instead of challenging the idea that a woman may not want a kid, brushing it off ass nonsense - be thankful that she isn’t out there reproducing because it’s “what you’re supposed to do.” My parents damn sure wanted me (they might was a refund now) and thank the glitter gods they did because kids ain’t easy.

I don’t know if I want kids, and it really isn’t your business to tell me otherwise.

Setback: A Reversal in Progress

I've got to be honest.  I've suffered a setback.  I've slipped back a bit to my old ways of working too much and allowing my stress to climb too high.

For me, the biggest weakness I have is to allow work to consume too much of my time and my mind.  I don't shut off the business and cause myself unnecessary stress.  Most of this is of my own doing.  I truly believe we all have a choice when it comes to work life balance.  

If you do not like where you're at, you either need to change your attitude or change your situation. 

I live by this motto and you should too.  We spend far too much time complaining and far too little time actively directing our own play.  And spare me the excuse that you're stuck for X, Y, or Z reason.  You're  stuck if you let yourself be stuck.  You move forward if you choose to take steps forward.

I've allowed myself to be consumed by my job because well, old habits die hard.  I've taken the stresses home and dwelled too long on the pieces I don't enjoy.  I can feel it in my lack of sleep, difficulty focusing, and my pulling away from the people around me.  I'm irritable, exhausted, and easily frustrated.  

It's not a fun realization when I see myself slipping back into my old way of living.  

Thankfully, I've caught myself on the downward slide and I'm confronting the issues head on.  I'm deciding to put a stop to it and turn myself right back around in a positive direction.

I know what you're thinking - am I going to change my attitude or change my situation?  Right now, in order to remain sane, I'm changing my attitude.  I'm stopping myself when I talk too much about the negative and I'm redirecting my energies to positive situations.  If at the end of the day I'm unable to exist in my situation after changing my attitude, then I'll change my situation.

Setbacks are inevitable.  Learning to change conditioned behavior is one of the hardest struggles out there.  And it only gets worse as we get older.  Take comfort in being able to recognize when you're faced with a setback.  Cut yourself a break as you reengage your focus and shift your energies to the right path.  A setback can easily be turned into one hell of a comeback if you're brave enough to try.  

2018

Happy New Year Sequins!

I have no idea what just happened to 2017 because I swear to God I just moved to Texas 20 minutes ago, but here we are, January 1, 2018.  Holy shit.

I'm sitting here trying to reflect on 2017 and I honestly just have a lot of memories on an airplane watching Girl's Trip 32 times laughing obnoxiously while Carol from Iowa shot me dirty looks from peasant class.  STFU Carol, let me live my first class life.

2017 brought me to yet a new state.  It brought me a whole new career in a whole new industry I honestly knew nothing about.  For the first 6 months, I mostly got by on charm and pure grit.  The second 6 months I've questioned myself, my skillset, and everything about what I know.  And at the end of every day, I have reminded myself I didn't get here without earning every moment.

2017 brought me the strength to commit to my mental health.  It got me into therapy, into actually trying to tell my anxiety to step TF off, and it's challenged me to chill out.

2017 has brought me a body I'm in love with more than I have been since being 98 pounds and growing boobs.  Because of my discovery of new ways to workout that don't bring me pain, I am physically stronger, healthier, and happier.  And I'm surely not 98 pounds.  Still got those boobs though.

2017 has brought me new people.  Who knew a liberal agnostic loud crude (but really pretty) California girl could find one of her closest friends in a Christian big hearted Texan (Be cool guys - she was born in California and her family is just the bees knees). 

2017 has brought me closer to me.  It's challenged me to face things I frankly don't like thinking about and forced me to feel things I'm not fond of feeling.  Because of that - it's given me confidence in this sparkly yet out of her mind woman I've become.  It's also taught me when to face my flaws, apologize when I need to - and move TF on when I don't.

2017 I don't really know if you even happened because I swear it's still January and I just got to Texas, it was snowing and I couldn't by alcohol before Noon on Sunday.  But here we are - 2018 and I'm itching to see where it takes me.  All I know is don't miss me with that First Class ticket.

Time is a Choice

We all have the same 24 hours in a day.  Not one single human being gets 25 hours or 14 hours.  We all get 24 hours and that's it.  No more, no less.  How you choose to spend that time is up to you. 

Seriously.  Stop making excuses or saying you have to do something.  Whether it be work, appointments, who you spend your time with, that's a choice.  You can always choose to make a change.  You can always choose who you give your moments to.

I get it.  Some things you legit have to do (thanks smart ass).  You have to go to the doctor.  Get your car fixed.  But realistically 98% of the things you do, they're a choice.

We are all important.  But I think a lot of us get trapped into warped levels of importance.  I've always had jobs that have long hours.  And I've missed a lot of life events, put my health at risk, allowed personal relationships to be put on the back burner.  And for a really long time, I used that as an excuse.   Ultimately, missing these things, missing time with people - those were choices I made.

Of course there are times when work does prevent you from being somewhere.  And sometimes you're tired - but if you find yourself saying no or I can't to things really often - you're making a conscious choice to prioritize certain things and put others on the back burner.  And that's ok.

It's ok as long as you own what you're doing as a choice.  Your priorities are your own to make.  But making excuses, claiming you have to do something, that's not owning up to the reality of being a grown up. 

Being a grown up means realizing that time is a choice, a really precious choice, and how you choose to spend your time is incredibly personal.  But pretending that your time is anymore important, any less of a choice - thank anyone else - well its BS and its insulting to the people around you.

Time is limited.  How you choose to spend your limited time is something you should think critically about.  Get strategic and focused. Dedicate the most time to you and those closest to you.  Choosing where and how you spend your time is choosing joy.  And choosing to accept that there's no excuses for your unhappiness, no excuses for never seeing someone, and no excuses for not getting things done. 

You have the same 24 hours a day that everyone else has.  You don't care about their excuses so why are you listening to yours?

Sparkles and Cupcakes and Rainbows Oh My!

Life is ugly.  It's hard and challenging and painful.  It's heartbreaks and its scary.  Its push you down and then kick you and throws a bill on you for what its done to you.  Life doesn't care if you're a sinner or a saint, rich or poor - whether you can handle a hard time or not.

Life is also beautiful.  It's miracles and love and luck.  It's overcoming the odds, unimaginable joy, laughter, and gifts you with things you never thought possible.  Life doesn't care if you're a sinner or a saint, rich or poor - whether you deserve the good or not.

Life is made up of two people.  Those who choose to focus on the good and those who choose to focus on the bad.  It is always a choice.  Because while you can't always control what happens to you, you can control how you react to it.  You can be in the middle of gut wrenching all consuming life events and yet you STILL have a choice: let it define you or choose to let it motivate you.

I see you on Facebook, on IG, Tweeting - I see you expressing negativity, yelling about how life isn't fair.  And you're right - life isn't fair.  It won't ever be fair.  Don't worry about why things happen to you.  Don't point fingers at people who "have it easier."  Someone always has it better and someone always has it worse.

You have a choice: make life sparkles and cupcakes and rainbows, or let it defeat you.  I choose to embrace the pain, experience the hurt, but work my way back to positivity through choosing to be happy.  You literally only get one shot at life - this is not a drill - how are you going to live it?