The Breakup Debate. A Memoir.

I've had an internal debate for most of my life regarding dating, men, and how to respond when they do shitty things.  Essentially - you've got two options:

1. Ghost
2. Confront

Now historically I think women are taught to be caregivers and to give men a lot of slack when it comes to doing things that aren't ok.  We are taught to say it's ok when its not and that if we call a man out we are bitches.

But I think there's also something to be said for simply walking away from an unhealthy situation.  To move forward and to take care of yourself.

Traditionally I have played the role of the ghost.  I mean I've completely moved states to avoid relationships and commitment so it's not surprising that when someone treats me poorly, I generally just disappear.  I'll delete your number, remove you from social media - RIP you no longer exist to me.  And I'm not the girl who gives in and texts you - we will literally never speak again.  If you reach out - I'll do everything possible to end the contact as quickly as humanly possible.  If you show me I don't matter to you - I am very easily able to say you no longer mean anything to me. 

But recently - I've had the urge to call men on their shenanigans.  Because I'm a grown up.  And I'm a good human being.  I'm kind to others, I'm a good partner, and a phenomenal catch.  And I don't deserve your crap.

My two most recent relationships/whatever the hell that last one was have been exact opposites in terms of how I've handled the ending.  The first one - I was very honest about the lack of maturity and really crappy way he handled the situation.  And that was what I needed to have full closure and realize we never should have dated.  Months - we are talking MONTHS later - he reached back out to apologize which turned into him making excuses for the way he acted.  And I let him say what he needed to say, wished him well - and we haven't spoken since. 

The second whatever - because it was one of those - IDK what this is slash WTF is even happening - I've ghosted.  He was a really important friend to me and someone who for the first time I started to open up to and place trust in.  And then he did a 180 and created a really bad situation.  He abused the friendship and for me - when you break the respect of a friendship, that's it for the relationship.  But I've said nothing.  I've gone full ghost and have zero intentions of changing that.   

Yea ok - there's a lot of factors coming into how to handle these things.  Length of relationship.  Were you friends before.  What did they do.  It's a scientific strategy really.  And I can spend hours arguing for both sides.  But ultimately - I think it's what makes you feel good.  Someone treated you like a burnt brownie and you don't deserve that - you're a cupcake with sprinkles.  If you need to say excuse me - that wasn't cool asshole - SAY IT.  If the way you heal is to move forward without a word - go head girlfriend - you ghost like the wind. 

Now this is where I ask your advice - and then if I hate it - I'll ignore it because I don't need that kind of negativity in my life.

I pose some questions:

What do you think is the best way to handle when your partner does you wrong?  Do you ghost?  Do you confront?  Do you create a mix of the two?  I don't know what the right action is, probably depends on a myriad of factors realistically. Hit me with your best words of wisdom my sequins!

Career Confidence

Today we continue our lessons in being a boss babe (or boss bro).  It took me a really long time to develop confidence in who I am in my career.  From years of really bad environments I let myself become unsure of who I was at work and what I brought to the table.  Because of that, I lost out on a lot of opportunities to get what I deserve at the office.

Career confidence is knowing your value, your strengths and weaknesses, and what you deserve to be paid and where you rank in an organization.  It's a highly critical life skill and without it, you're not going to get your dues. 

Sure, you could naively believe if you work hard you wont have to say anything, those raises and promotions will just show up at your door via the tooth fairy.  Grow up Peter Pan, unless you're asking for the maximum you deserve, you're getting the minimum to keep you happy.

The truth is, those who take time to know their best and worst attributes and who are able to have open conversations wit their superiors are the ones who get the most in a career. 

Here's how:

Be Brutally Aware

You should be painfully aware of your best and worst skills.  Going into a review should never bring surprises.  You should know your faults and areas of improvement before it's even brought up to you.  But do not always dwell on these faults, you need to pat yourself on the back for your strengths and celebrate that you have them.  And you should be with a company that recognizes these great strengths as well.

Be Prepared

You should always have examples of where you've done things well and where you've messed up or can improve.  Have solutions prepared, have questions prepared for your supervisor on how to best contribute to the team, and take notes.  After every project you should be getting feedback from colleagues in order to show you're committed to improvement and growth.  The best business people are extremely self aware, business is business - take the emotions out of it.

 

Be Willing to Have the Conversation

You need to be the one to set a meeting to have the conversation about what you deserve.  Whether you're asking for a raise or a promotion, you need to be comfortable initiating the talk.  And you need to practice what you're going to discuss and how you're going to present yourself.  Have notes and examples ready.  Come in completely overprepared and most of all, end this meeting truly listening.

 

Be Willing to Accept the Consequences

If you get what you're asking for, awesome.  Get out there and show your appreciation by being really good at your job.  If you don't get what you want, be clear on why and then decide how to react to that.  If the feedback seems unreasonable, consider moving jobs.  If the feedback makes sense, ask for next steps regarding how to get what you want. 

Having conversations around money and titles is never comfortable or easy.  But if you settle and do not fight for your value, you won't ever get it.  Work hard, be painfully aware, and never ever forget to take your career confidence everywhere you go.