World Peace.

Sometimes when I blog, I consider not talking about things.  A lot of what I talk about is relevant to what I'm going through at any given time.  And because of that, there are people that are most likely able to discern I am talking about them.  What I have to say, is not always flattering.  

So I often stop to reflect - is what I'm saying truthful?  Is it respectful?  And does it provide a greater lesson?  If it does - I'm going to say it.  

At the root of what I believe - as long as I'm doing no harm - I vow to be authentic and transparent in what I have to share with you.  Does that always make me the most popular person in the room?  No.  But this isn't high school, and I'm not campaigning for prom queen.

Some of you could even use a hot dose of a blog about you.  And some of you are wondering - "is she writing about me?"  Whether I am or not - chances are, if you relate to what I'm saying, if you worry the negative pieces could be about you - they probably are in some way speaking about you.

Again - one of those "Ashley, what the hell are you talking about?  Where are you going with this?  Did you pop the bubbly too much this week?"  The answer is - I'm not here for world peace.  I'm a good person, I'm not out to actively hurt anyone, but I'm at a point in my life where I can't afford not to say it.  

A lot of you do inspire me with things you say or do.  My relationships in life give me great revelations and enormous sources of content for my writing.  And I'm going to talk about it because a lot of us experience the same things and are too afraid to ask each other about how that made us feel/act/react/move forward/live life.  

My purpose in my blogging is to have the frank conversations - to not hold back.  And while it's early in my game, and I've got a lot more developing to do - I want you to know, world peace be damned - I'm gonna say the shit you're all thinking, and I'm hoping you'll say it with me.

The Breakup Debate. A Memoir.

I've had an internal debate for most of my life regarding dating, men, and how to respond when they do shitty things.  Essentially - you've got two options:

1. Ghost
2. Confront

Now historically I think women are taught to be caregivers and to give men a lot of slack when it comes to doing things that aren't ok.  We are taught to say it's ok when its not and that if we call a man out we are bitches.

But I think there's also something to be said for simply walking away from an unhealthy situation.  To move forward and to take care of yourself.

Traditionally I have played the role of the ghost.  I mean I've completely moved states to avoid relationships and commitment so it's not surprising that when someone treats me poorly, I generally just disappear.  I'll delete your number, remove you from social media - RIP you no longer exist to me.  And I'm not the girl who gives in and texts you - we will literally never speak again.  If you reach out - I'll do everything possible to end the contact as quickly as humanly possible.  If you show me I don't matter to you - I am very easily able to say you no longer mean anything to me. 

But recently - I've had the urge to call men on their shenanigans.  Because I'm a grown up.  And I'm a good human being.  I'm kind to others, I'm a good partner, and a phenomenal catch.  And I don't deserve your crap.

My two most recent relationships/whatever the hell that last one was have been exact opposites in terms of how I've handled the ending.  The first one - I was very honest about the lack of maturity and really crappy way he handled the situation.  And that was what I needed to have full closure and realize we never should have dated.  Months - we are talking MONTHS later - he reached back out to apologize which turned into him making excuses for the way he acted.  And I let him say what he needed to say, wished him well - and we haven't spoken since. 

The second whatever - because it was one of those - IDK what this is slash WTF is even happening - I've ghosted.  He was a really important friend to me and someone who for the first time I started to open up to and place trust in.  And then he did a 180 and created a really bad situation.  He abused the friendship and for me - when you break the respect of a friendship, that's it for the relationship.  But I've said nothing.  I've gone full ghost and have zero intentions of changing that.   

Yea ok - there's a lot of factors coming into how to handle these things.  Length of relationship.  Were you friends before.  What did they do.  It's a scientific strategy really.  And I can spend hours arguing for both sides.  But ultimately - I think it's what makes you feel good.  Someone treated you like a burnt brownie and you don't deserve that - you're a cupcake with sprinkles.  If you need to say excuse me - that wasn't cool asshole - SAY IT.  If the way you heal is to move forward without a word - go head girlfriend - you ghost like the wind. 

Now this is where I ask your advice - and then if I hate it - I'll ignore it because I don't need that kind of negativity in my life.

I pose some questions:

What do you think is the best way to handle when your partner does you wrong?  Do you ghost?  Do you confront?  Do you create a mix of the two?  I don't know what the right action is, probably depends on a myriad of factors realistically. Hit me with your best words of wisdom my sequins!

Honesty is the best policy?

I'm not the friend you come to when you want some sugar with your honesty.  I've never been good at dancing around delicate conversations.  If I truly care about you, I'm going to give it to you straight.  Because in my mind, honesty is always the best policy when it comes to friendships.

That got me to thinking - how do you prefer your friendships?  With a little bit of cream and sugar or straight up with a twist? 

I'm straight up, with a twist and an extra shot of 151 in the straw.  While I'm sensitive to the feelings of my people, if you're being really negative, creating drama and bad situations for yourself, or in a woe is me circle of sadness - I'm going to call you on it. 

Now I'm sure that may people find me harsh.  And I'm not sure I can disagree.  But my blunt honesty comes from a place of wanting to help and because I love you.  At the same time, I can't help but think my closest friends come to me specifically for this reason - because if you know me, you know this is what you're going to get.

I'm genuinely a positive, problem solving, easy to bounce back person.  I've gone through my fair share of hardships and unpleasant times and sometimes I'm sad.  The difference is that I minimize the time I spend in that negative space.  Very quickly I make the decision to actively change my mood so that I can change my situation. 

When I have friends who spend too much time and energy in a bad mindset, I will call you out.  And if you're acting in a way to invite drama or negativity into your world, I will call you out.  If you're looking for someone to commiserate with, to tell you that life is meaner to you than others and you have a right to be bitter, I am not that friend.  And I don't want you to be that friend either.

I will allow you time to grieve, to be angry and to blame the world.  Just as I am allowed some time to experience those feelings too.  But then I'm going to expect you to actively participate in changing your mood and your life and I fully expect you to do the same for me.  Because without honesty in relationships, there's no real bond.  And the more I grow older, the smaller my friendship circle becomes.  I don't want the big group of acquaintances, I want my real tried and true family who keeps it real and is fiercely loyal. 

Maybe I am too harsh and could use a little sugar coating.  But I believe that life is too short to spend large amounts of time in a bad place.  The more positive energy you put out there, the more you get back.  If you choose to live in a negative place, that's the life you get back.  And that's not someone I want to spend my time around.  So if you're my friend and you're thinking - man - she's kind of blunt, think about why.  And think about how you act, because maybe you're the one who needs a shift in your sparkle.  Life is too short for me to allow anyone or anything to dull my bubble of sparkle.