A Whole New World

It’s a whole new world out there. States are opening up. Restaurants are allowing dine in. Salons are welcoming customers in to fix quarantine mistakes. Sports teams are resuming games without fans.

America is open for business but it’s far from back to normal.

While some folks are diving in head first, others are continuing to stay home. I am part of that second crowd.

I found out recently that I won’t realistically go back to my office until 2021. Yet seeing society transition to a new normal has been really hard for me.

I understand there are many of you who don’t believe you will get COVID. And many of you who feel it’s worth the risk — you’ll be fine. I’ll save my eye rolling and educational lecture for a different blog but I am not willing to take the same risk. For myself because of my immune system and also for others. I care about not endangering anyone else.

At the risk of sounding like a super millennial — finding out I’m not going back to work and knowing it’s still risky to resume “normal life” has been heavy. Really really heavy.

I want to first — as always — acknowledge my privilege and be grateful for where I’m at. I have a job, benefits, a safe home, food, a support system — I have so much that I’ve also given to others because I believe we all should.

That being said, I’m a human being and a really social one at that. Ask my mom, I have always talked to strangers. At no point have I been shy. In fact one of my favorite things about traveling the world is talking to the people in each country. So knowing that I won’t be at ball games or traveling the world for awhile, that’s really hard. Even sitting in a restaurant isn’t something I’m comfortable with right now. No more drinks with friends at a local bar. All of that is not worth the risk.

This is the situation we are in. Now that I know it’s not just a couple month break, I am trying to figure out how to adapt and engage in a way that gives me a social life and a sense of connection to what makes me happy while still respecting the boundaries in place because of this virus.

I know I’m not alone in feeling exhausted by virtual socializing. It isn’t the same. I am also thankful it’s an option that reconnects me with some incredible people. I’ll continue to take breaks when I need to while still investing the time and energy because it provides an important connection with others.

When shelter in place is lifted in my county, I’m planning on escaping to the coast with two girlfriends for a bit. Its a way to safely have human contact that doesn’t cause the anxiety of massive groups. We can cook, chat, have some wine and just connect.

Thinking about how I’m planning my next few months or even year — the common denominator is connection. We may not be engaging with strangers and making new friends like we have in the past, but we are more aware than ever where we spend our time and energy. I am really enjoying figuring out that I can and should say no to people that drain me. In turn I should be re-engaging with the people that give me life.

My advice for those of you that feel hesitant to jump back into the world is to embrace that. Do not live in fear, but it’s ok to be cautious. It’s ok to take longer than others to get to “normal.” Quite frankly you are smarter for it.

Invest your time and your energy into the people who respect your need to tread lightly. Back away from anyone who is giving you more anxiety than joy. Choose to be present with the people you gift your time to. It’s a really cool time to remember that you only get one life, and life as you know it can be forever changed in an instant.

Focus on peace, joy, and compassion. Moving forward and for however long this takes, be gentle with yourself and others. Take it day by day if you have to in order to stay sane. Choose to come out of this with a new perspective and a new outlook on what and who you value. Time is limited. You don’t get it back. How do you want to remember your life?

Rainbows and Unicorns and Angel Wings

My toxic trait is that I inherently believe everyone is good. When I meet people, I assume they are just as loyal, positive, kind and generous as I am.

I know, cute naive young(ish) Ashley — are you high?

Everyone is not inherently good. Not everyone has good intentions. Not everyone wants to see the best for others. Not everyone is all the wonderful things we hope they are.

I have been disappointed by this so much in my life — and yet, I haven’t adjusted my beliefs. When I meet new people, I am smiles and welcomes and lets be friends.

Thankfully, most of the people I spend time around I do believe are really good people. At work and in my personal life. But when I do become disappointed by someone who turns out to not be as good as I’d hoped, it hurts. It makes me feel stupid, I get angry with myself and I get frustrated that overall, I’m probably not that great of a judge of character. Because all the characters are unicorns to me.

It hurts because I am such an empath that it’s really hard for me to process that people so bad things on purpose. I like seeing other people do well. I enjoy helping others become the best versions of themselves.

I know what you’re thinking - what a wild ignorant world you live in babe. You might be right that I am choosing to be hurt because I don’t adjust my perspective. But I’m not going to change it.

I prefer to lead with an open heart and hope that everyone I meet has the potential to be great. When that happens to be wrong, as it does at times — I mourn that loss and I remove them from my circle

Often times people that hurt others are not bad people. For whatever reason it can be a mistake, an insecurity, an immaturity — I don’t even believe most people who do bad things are bad people. I do bad things. I say mean things. But when a line is crossed, I am quick to say no more. Never again.

I was cry recently reminded of this trait when I was disappointed by someone. I have gone through all the unkind blame game tactics to myself, I have talked through the situation with a trusted friend and I have let it go. For me that letting go means cutting the person off if it’s a friendship, and keeping things very cordial if it’s a colleague.

I’m sure I’m not the only empath who welcome everyone into this sparkly happy world each time you meet. The moral of this story is to say keep doing what you are doing.

You will be hurt. More than once. Potentially often. But I would rather live in the world as someone who sees good than who assumes bad.

It will feel shameful at times. Embarrassing. You will feel used and frustrated and best yourself up for letting this happen again and again! But just remember, you lead with kindness. The choices others make are their own. Don’t let the world make you hard. Be the one who says I know there’s ugly out there, but have you seen all the good?

I don’t know — maybe I am naive. And maybe that’s ok. I have good instincts when it matters. I am a survivor for myself and others. And I’ve proven that more than once. But for the little things. The introductions and the new coworkers and new friends — I’m going to be ok being called naive. I’ve been called worse. And I’m still smiling.

I guess my toxic trait, my Achilles heel — is that I care too much, I smile too much and I believe in the goodness around me. It could be worse. It could be a whole lot worse than being annoyingly endlessly hopeful.

Quarantine Reflections: A Summary

OOOOO WEE that was a long one! Here in the Bay Area we have been on a shelter in place for almost 3 months. And while I know a whole lot of people who didn’t take that seriously (aka crappy humans), I and my family & most of my friends really did.

Everyone says the world will be forever changed. Which seems obvious. We’ve gone through a global pandemic. Changing how we interact with each other, how we do business, and what we deem essential.

As I make my way back into my new normal, I’m taking the time to think about what I want to take with me and what I’d like to leave behind from before this all started.

When I think about the things I’d like to let go of (or make a solid effort to because old habits die hard), here’s what I’ve narrowed my list down to:

• Things: Yes, my last piece was about the ridiculous things I’ve purchased on Amazon but for the most part, I’m learning that the things I think I need, I don’t. They’re just things. I can get by on less. I cleaned out my closet twice during the shelter in place and came up with five giant garbage bags of clothes, shoes, accessories - things - I can live without. I’m still going to make some impulse buys, but I’m really going to choose to be thoughtful about my purchases and whether or not I need them or they’re cluttering my home and life.

• Prioritizing Work: I have always put work first. I am driven to succeed and that will not change. I am going to choose to set better boundaries at work and realize that my entire life cannot revolve around work. I started to notice that it controlled my mood, my self worth and guided most decisions. Then the world stopped and my life wasn’t 24/7 work. I didn’t want it to be. I wanted to see my friend and family, I wanted to explore, and I wanted to do more than just work. I’ll still be a high achiever, but that’s possible in a healthier way.

• Helping Others: I am a giver. Truly being able to be financially stable has made me happiest because I can give back to those around me who are important to me. Yet I’m also really getting a new perspective on letting that guide my everyday. I want to work on things that help others and solve the world’s problems. Thankfully I am at a company that allows for that to happen in my work life. In my personal life, I want to continue to be an advocate for those who don’t have my privilege. I want to keep talking about women’s healthcare and the rights to make choices about our own bodies. And I want to be even more mindful about where I spend my money so that I am not supporting businesses and people who do not prioritize doing the right thing. I want to let go of buying to buy or giving to give and I want to be intentional about where my money goes to ensure it’s supporting the things I believe in.

When I think about what I want to carry with me from this into the new world, here’s my focus:

• Say No: I am going to stop with the pressures of saying yes just to say yes. I’m going to get over the anxiety I get in saying no to things I think I “should” be doing. I don’t know when or if something like this will happen again. I don’t know when I won’t have the opportunity to see someone else again. And I’ve also seen some people take really ugly selfish actions during this time. I’m going to say no to the people and things that don’t bring me joy. Instead I am going to make sure that I’m putting my time and energy into the people who mean the most and who show me I mean the most to them.

• Travel: I miss travel more than anything. I never really thought about how big a role it plays in my life but when I reflect back, I’m generally on an airplane or in the car on the way to an adventure more than I am not. While financially my goal is to own a home soon (not in California…those who know me well can guess where I’ll be headed to next), I am also going to get back to traveling. Not sure how realistic getting out of the country is in 2020, but there are plenty of places in the United States worth visiting. And a whole lot of loved ones to see in this beautiful country.

• Vulnerability: I have always been very resilient. For the first month or so of this thing, I was perfectly content being at home. When month two hit, I started to struggle with anxiety, PTSD, and some depression that I had never experienced before. I didn’t know how to handle it. I used my tools, went to therapy but I was still struggling. Still am sometimes if I’m being honest. As much as I talk about my mental health, I still keep things pretty close to the chest. I was forced to open up to some of my friends and family though because I flat out needed help. I hope to continue to find the strength to do that. It’s incredibly scary and I am incredibly self conscious about it, but I feel closer to the people who matter most when I risk that vulnerability.

Finally, I hope that as a world we learn empathy. I hope that despite a truly disgusting time in America led by a horrific President, we choose to fight back with love. So many people have chosen to give back to complete strangers because of a belief in doing the right thing. We as an entire global community have to exist together with the resources we are given. It’s impossible to keep things going in a positive direction without remembering that. I would rather make the world better for as many people as possible than only have a select few thrive. If that means I have to give up a little bit of what I’ve got so someone else can feed their family, sign me up.

A global pandemic is really not something I ever thought we’d face in my lifetime. It’s been like a movie and something I’m very much living but also extremely detached from. Because I have a job, healthcare benefits, a roof over my head and a support system — I have been able to treat this as a bit of a break from chaos. I even think it’s been healthy for me in many ways. I also firmly believe that Mother Nature was screaming and we weren’t listening and so she decided to take action.

Look — I get it, I’m one of the lucky ones in all of this. So because I have been, I’m going to count my blessings, see the silver lining, and let this time push me to be a better person for myself and others.

I hope that even if you haven’t been so lucky, you take the time to reflect on what you can leave behind and what you can renew as we all come together in our new reality.

I can’t breathe.

I’ve been on a spiral taking in all of the news about George Floyd. Of Ahmaud Arbery. Of Breonna Taylor. It’s led me on a million paths of research, of watching protests across the country, pushed me down the Twitter hole, left me watching video after video and post after post. And my heart is broken. I am exhausted. I feel so much pain. And confusion for how these things happen. And they happen. They always have. We just film it now.

I am white. I am experiencing this pain as an outsider. As someone who does not have to feel fear and heartbreak everyday because of the color of my skin. I have never grown up being perceived as less than. I have never had someone cross the street in fear of me. I have never been treated differently by an authority figure. I don’t experience these things because I am white. Nothing is harder for me because of my skin color. Things are in fact generally easier because I am white.

I have always been vocal for equality in all forms. Race, gender, sexuality, I want everyone to have an equal shot. But I was still raised in a world that teaches people white is better than black. Even as a woman and being treated less than a man, I am still a white woman. That makes a difference in the level of inequality I face. The black woman still faces more hardships than I ever will because of her skin color.

I have listened and educated myself and marched and spoken up and I do my very best to be an ally to the black community. But I am still white. I still do not and will not ever know what it is like to be black in America.

I am writing this from the perspective of a white woman. I have no right or claim to tell anyone in the black community how to think, feel, act, or exist right now. What I do want to be is a real ally. A partner for you however I can be.

The white community needs to step up. The police community needs to step up. Because everyone who is too afraid to get political, to take a stance - you are the problem. You are not good. It’s time to realize that your silence is loud acceptance of racism. Because racism exists and it is everywhere.

I am uncomfortable writing about racism and about what happened to George Floyd because I don’t know the right thing to say or do. I don’t want to take away from the community that is suffering. I don’t want to say the wrong thing to a group of people who already suffer everyday.

I hope that the things I have to say today are taken with the respect I mean them. I hope that what I’m trying to express is understood as heartfelt commitment to be better and to loudly encourage others to be better. In all the ways I can do so.

I vow to educate myself as much as possible.
I vow to ask questions and to listen.

I vow to spend more money in black owned businesses

I vow to ensure my feminism is inclusive of the needs of the black woman

I vow to make sure I am also donating to charities that benefit the black community

I vow to speak up for you

I vow to march by your side.

I vow to vote in your interests. And to demand my representatives are always keeping those interests in mind.

Most of all, I vow to be open to being wrong and to be corrected with an open mind. To know that sometimes I do things that do not promote inclusivity, that are insensitive and when you tell me that I do those things — I vow to shut up and listen. And even if I don’t understand, I vow to acknowledge I don’t always have to get it, I can still be wrong. It’s not my experience.

I am an ally to the black community. I see you. I hear you. I stand by you. I’ll stand in front of you if I have to. I will be better for you. I hope that you will be patient and open to showing me how.

Take all my Monies

If you’re anything like me, you’ve spent a lot of unnecessary money on Amazon during quarantine. From yoga pants to building my at home gym to plants — I’ve bought it all. And I’d like to share my favorite finds with you!

Let’s get down to business!

Clothes

Yoga Pants: All I wear right now are yoga pants. I’m either working, working out or going on walks with my dog so if you think I’m going to wear real pants, you are insane. These pants are honestly similar to Lululemon Align and are 1/3 of the price! I’ve bought 4 pairs and am absolutely obsessed! Buy now, they sell fast!

Joggers: The same brand of those amazing yoga pants makes joggers! I love these because I have a booty and most joggers can look really frumpy on me. These are tight enough to be flattering in all the right places and again the fabric mimics the align collection from Lululemon

Fitness

Fitness Bands: I love fitness bands but can never find any that last long or are heavy enough. Recently discovered these and won’t go back! They’re heavy, sturdy and while I’ve only had them a week — I really think they’ll last!

Kettle-bell: I love kettle-bells. They’re so versatile. I own a 20lb and will probably buy one that’s a little heavier.

Beauty

Acne Patches: I read about these from an influencer and have had some hormonal acne so I was quick to hit buy. I can definitely see a difference with these overnight!

Dr. Jart Face Masks: I am obsessed with Dr. Jart products. My skin cannot get enough of these. I love this pack of 6 specifically because they’re many options. Whatever your skin needs, it’s got you covered!

Plants

Fox & Fern Stand: This mid century modern stand and pot are a little expensive for my taste but I’m so in love with the quality and look that I went for it anyways. I am new to the plant game so realistically I didn’t know how expensive things were.

Fox & Fern Pot: The stand and pot come separately and if you buy them both at once you can get 10% off. It’s still going to run you close to $80 but the quality is worth it. I end up buying plants at Home Depot or a local nursery for really good prices to offset the stand/pot.

What are yall buying on Amazon right now? Share your secret must haves please!

Be Easy

These last two weeks of shelter in place have been the most difficult for me. I’ve been amplifying my insecurities and it’s greatly affected my anxious thoughts. Turns out, I’m far from the only one in this mental space.

I struggle when I don’t have a goal to attain. At work, at home - I need to set goals and timelines for achieving them. The thing is, COVID19 don’t care about my driven lifestyle.

At work, I’m lucky to have a job. My company, my team, and myself — we are focused on adjusting the way we do business and how to continue to be a profitable company in 2020. The same promotion, raises, big bonuses — those are less of a guarantee and more of a, hope 2021 sees us in a stronger place. Ya’ll know I am career oriented. Too much so. I hold myself to extremely high standards and having an entire year where there isn’t really a huge goal to meet is hard.

In my career I feel stuck. I feel scared. I am struggling to stay focused due to the fact that I am deeply empathetic and the troubles of the world are something I am carrying each day. My high standards of excellence are showing in the way I am beating myself up over not being where I think I should be in my career. In reality, I am at a world class company, with incredible pay and benefits and I am thriving. Not only that, I have a side hustle that let’s me do what I’m most passionate about — write! Not only am I doing just fine, I am excelling.

At home, I am healthy. I have food, shelter, and I spend an entirely unnecessary amount on Amazon finds I don’t need. But my insecurities are screaming about my body (If Adele has a flawless bod I should too!), my savings (Come on why don’t you have a cool mil in the bank!?), and my productivity (haven’t reorganized the entire apartment yet, lazy B!). Realistically I workout at least an hour everyday, I’m saving and have strong financial security right now, and I’ve picked up a few projects here and there. I’m thriving.

Life is ridiculous right now. Truly, there’s never ever been a time like this. Millions are out of work. Families are losing homes, unable to feed themselves. I don’t know what asshole decided that because an elite privileged few of us have the time and resources we should come out of this with a perfect body, $10M, and a new startup. But that’s absurd. Whatever you need to do to survive, do that. And accept yourself and others for whatever that looks like.

I’m not saying don’t go out and takeover the world and come out of this your best self. If you have the ability to do that, rock on! But stop holding others to that standard. Recognize how privileged you are to have the resources to build that empire and build your best bod.

For a lot of us, surviving this time is the best way to thrive. My therapist offered up a goal to me of maintaining balance, conquering my insomnia and just being kinder to myself. For me, that’s a lot to tackle and if I can even get a grip on one of those I’ll consider this time a success.

Some days I work out two hours, create a gallery wall, cook a fancy meal and join 6 meetings. Some days I walk for an hour, watch 6 episodes of Outer Banks and order in. Both days are valuable.

Figure out what you need each day to find happiness. To feel good. To survive.

Be easy on yourself. This is truly an unprecedented time in history and I’m not sure it’s going to define you long term if you don’t become an SI swimsuit model with a successful Fortune 500 company who read 36 books, built a home from scratch and figured out how to master French cuisine.

I’ll say it now - I consider myself relatively successful in the grand scheme and I don’t think I’m going to achieve any of those things. But bet in the future you’ll continue to see me be a force of nature in every single thing I choose to do.

The Biggest Letdown

The thing that has devastated me the most about this pandemic has been the loss of human decency. For better or worse, I have always made the assumption that people are inherently good. And yet throughout this pandemic, I feel overwhelmed by people who are anything but.

There are protests demanding service industry workers get back on the job. Public figures have called for sacrificing our elderly to get the economy restarted. Essentially some Americans are taking it upon themselves to decide who lives and who dies.

I cannot imagine ever feeling like I have the right to determine who lives and dies from a pandemic. It absolutely shocks me to my core that there are human beings willing to sacrifice others for money. Yes, our economy is important. Yes we are going to be struggling for quite some time to bring our economy back to a better place. But no, at no point should citizens start making decisions around other citizens being sacrificed to fix an economy.

Look we have experienced something like this before (and GASP - without WiFi!) and we have experienced a devastated economy before. We will do so again. Realistically, the time between these events is going to get shorter if all the powers that be are correct. When we start deciding the only way out is to sacrifice human lives, we have failed entirely.

I go back to the root of the problem - I don’t know how to explain to someone to care about others. I don’t. I know I have been far too oblivious to privilege in the past. This struggle isn’t new and probably isn’t shocking to those who have been oppressed for centuries. It’s probably business as usual.

Now that I have become more educated and aware, on a much deeper level — I think it matters that I speak up. It matters to me to challenge the people who think they have the right to determine when another citizen lives or dies simply because they’d like to get a damn haircut.

There are certainly many stories of human decency. Of people helping each other out when they really don’t have to. Of companies doing right by their employees. So I get it, the world isn’t all bad. But I do believe these huge injustices and lack of humanity are grave enough that we can’t just say “well it balances out.” Because it doesn’t.

I don’t know how to explain to you that you should care about other people. All I know is that you should. And if you don’t, yea, you are the problem with society.

Career Barbie

Y’all need to check on your type A friends because we are not ok.

My entire being has been based on achieving things going 100MPH. From sports to a career, I do the most all the time.

And then a pandemic hit. And that’s been a lot of emotions.

I have focused my energies more on helping than I have my job. I do what I need to do, I am never one to slack, but I’m operating at about 50%. Sure, my 50% is someone else’s 110% — but that’s a significant shift for me.

And I know Im not the only one.

If you’re type A, you operate on a high level too. Yet right now it’s really hard for me to get motivated by regular everyday work.

My family has been directly affected by this. My heart is heavy. And I don’t like some of the ugly behavior this has brought out in people. I don’t believe business as usual cuts it right now. At my core, I believe helping and caring for people is how we should be leading efforts.

Realistically, things aren’t business as usual and the goal for most is to survive. I think business are working more towards just surviving rather than promotions and bonuses and “business as usual.”

So I’m readjusting my goals. And my mindset. Thankfully I’m at a company that truly allows me to do so.

I still don’t know how to really rest. I don’t know how to not be focused on an end goal. So I’m shifting those goals. The best way to manage your type A mentality right now is to do the same.

Choose goals that keep your health in mind while still honoring your need to overachieve. Because I get it, people want to reframe the mindset we have and remind us not everything is about winning and losing. I’m 34 years in, Im not sure my need to achieve is ever going to change.

A little healthy competition — especially with yourself, is a good thing. But keep it healthy. And when you don’t win, take the L and figure out how to make it a lesson.

You are not alone.

I have been the rock for everyone my entire life. Whether that’s something people realize or not, I am always the one you can count on to be there. And to be able to handle anything you give to me.

When I look around, I have some incredible people in my life and yet I have often felt alone. Not necessarily by any fault of those same people but because I’m not sure I ever took the time to figure out what I needed from others to feel that same support.

As a result of that — when I am overwhelmed I will pull back and go radio silent. I will retreat and become really antisocial, often feeling alone. Again, not because anyone has made me feel that way, but because I’ve experienced a lot of shit in life — I carry a heavy weight at times. I never want to be a burden and I often fear unloading my heavy life on others is doing just that.

Given we are in a global pandemic, I’ve had heavy feelings. And yes, you guessed it, I’ll go radio silent. A friend recently — and for the first time I can remember hearing from anyone in a long time — kept reiterating that I am not alone. None of us are. She had found a way to respect my boundaries of needing time alone with reminding me that I’m not doing this alone.

For the first time in my life — that is something I’m adding to the “this is something I need” bucket. It’s something I need people to remind me. I need my rocks to remind me I am not alone.

What an oddly simple thing that I hadn’t really thought of in that way. But I’m thinking about it now. And it’s what I want moving forward. So I will ask for it.

Maybe that’s a weird thing to resonate so profoundly but it does. Figure out what resonates with you and don’t settle for a world without it.

Always On

You know those people who forget to answer texts? Never call back? Are always hard to get ahold of?

That’s not me.

I have always felt an intense need to respond immediately. Texts, calls, emails, carrier pigeon — I’m answering you pretty much immediately.

I’ve thought about why I’m like this and I think it’s a need to be everything to everyone. It’s less about people pleasing and more about needing to be the go to for everyone in every category. I’m your girl from work to advice to family — I have always been the one you know you can count on.

That takes a lot out of a person. For one, it’s exhausting. It’s also impossible. And highly unhealthy.

I know I’m not the only one. I talk about growing up an athlete a lot. And what its like to not be one anymore. For a lot of us, it means growing up with a lot of expectations. You are expected to be the best. Work the hardest. Perform perform perform. That’s what this is for me. A continuation of the need to constantly be on. I feel true anxiety when I do not respond to things essentially “right away.” You really won’t find me sitting on an email, a text, or a response to anyone.

I’ve finally gotten to a point that it’s become toxic for my life. Being in the middle of a pandemic, where emotions are heightened and my own mental health has been a struggle — I cannot be everything to everyone. It would break me.

I have started to tell the people around me the way I am feeling and that I need to step back at time. I know that normal people don’t do this. You don’t explain why you take an acceptable amount of time to respond, or not to respond at all. Maybe one day I’ll be that way too, but for now it’s a big step for me to even say hi I need to take time for me and I can’t respond to your emails or texts.

So far, the response has been positive. And that’s a huge relief. Because no matter what I feel, or the relationship I have with people — I am relentlessly loyal and forever an athlete. I don’t know how to let the team down. If I feel I’m letting the team down, that’s the ultimate failure.

What I have failed to look at though is that I am a teammate too. I am deserving of the same loyalty and respect that I give to others. Not necessarily in that same way because I truly think I can have an unhealthy level of commitment to the team — but I deserve a team who says hell yea girl, take your time, take care of you.

I have always heard that saying — you can’t take care of others unless you take care of yourself first. And I get that. I read it, I see it — and ya I have never internalized it. Until now. Because I’ve been on empty. I’m just doing my best. I think most of us are.

I get it, you want to be the go to. The team captain. The reliable all star. You can be those things but you can’t be them all the time, for everyone. And you’ve got to be them for the home team first.