Namaste

At pretty much every job I’ve worked at, there has been a high intensity on edge feeling. I’ve always felt stressed, worried, and have a really hard time stepping away from constantly thinking about work. It was a never ending worry about being fired, being in trouble, or being so overworked I could barely survive.

Obviously that greatly affected my personal life. I was constantly exhausted, irritable, antisocial, even depressed. My entire life revolved around my work and the people in it. It was all consuming. And I honestly thought that would be my life forever. I didn’t know any different in my 11 years of being a professional.

I’ve been in my new role for about 3 months. The other day I was sitting on my couch and I realized how calm I felt. I wasn’t thinking about work. Not an overwhelming project, not a difficult coworker, not an unreasonable boss. I was truly existing in the moment I was in.

Now I understand that the first few months, even years of a job can feel like the honeymoon stages. I’ve had that briefly in other roles so I’ve taken these feelings with a grain of salt. However, the culture I’m in and the people I’m surrounded by who embody that culture have given me hope that this will last.

During the week I have flexibility, independence, and people who care about how I’m doing both professionally and personally. I have the freedom to craft my own schedule (within reason), to say I’m overwhelmed without being told “that’s just how it works,” and I’ve got the time and energy to get out and have a thriving personal life.

I can breathe.

There’s time in my life to regroup, take a moment, and reconnect with my center.

In the 11+ years I’ve been a grown up in the working world, I’ve never experienced that. I’ve never had all the pieces fall together. I experimented with what I could tolerate. Could I endure harassment for my dream job? No. Could I work 24/7 for a company I loved? No. Could I put up with a bad boss for good pay? No.

Not everything aligns all the time. I don’t think all the parts have aligned for my current job, but the pieces that have aligned create a puzzle that I fit into. I love the company, the people, the boss - all those things make anything else extremely minuscule on the negative scale. I feel calm. I feel happy. I feel content. And while it all doesn’t create my “perfect” dream job I built up in my mind, it’s redefined what I define as working long term for me.

I cannot emphasize enough how important the feeling calm is to me. It seems so simple and many of you very well may experience it every day. But I haven’t. I haven’t felt that level of content with a career. Where you feel happy, challenged, like you matter, just all the pieces FIT.

Sure, we all complain about our jobs. I’m highly skeptical when folks don’t have one single complaint about their job. I don’t think the whole every single day is perfect life really exists. But if you truly feel happy and the good days outnumber the bad, that’s a huge win.

If you’re like me and your career journey is nontraditional, feeling calm is honestly the biggest win of them all. I encourage you to continue to look for that win. Continue to sacrifice, dream, work, and motivate yourself to stay positive. It’s not easy. It’s ups and downs and anything but simple. People will tell you that you’re stupid. They’ll laugh. They’ll question everything about you as a professional. But they are not you. They don’t live with the journey or the experience. What works for them, it’s not for you.

I don’t know if the calm will last. What I think is most important to remember while I am here is that it’s possible. It’s not a pipe dream. It’s not a decade of taking risks for nothing. It’s real and I’m holding it in front of me. Nobody can take the dream away from me because I know it’s there. And even if it doesn’t workout every time, it’s there. It’s real. And I can make it mine.

Fountain of Youth

Never in my life have I been more invested in skincare as I am right now. I’m really lucky and have incredible olive skin. Essentially having one small zit every 6 months is really the worst that happens to me (knock on wood). I’m appreciative of that. However I’m not 22 anymore and I’m a highly expressive human. I’ve spent a lot of time in the sun (and le sigh, in tanning beds when I was young). I never took care of my skin in my 20’s. I’m 33 now, and that’s all changed. I’m committed to looking and feeling my best.

I’ve written about plastic surgery as well as injections in the past and here I am a year later still not ready to go that route yet. Again, I’m so here for that if its for you and eventually, I’ll get there. Right now, I’m not there.

But I am spending money on skincare products to look and feel my best. What you should know about me:

• Dry, sensitive skin

• Big believer in not spending thousands each month on products

• Not loyal to any one brand

• Lazy AF

That’s a really good background on me and how I spend when it comes to skincare. Here’s my general routine:

Morning: Cleaners, toner, exfoliant/antiaging serum, BB cream (with SPF 30)

Evening: Cleaners, toner, exfoliant/antiaging serum, retinol antiaging night cream, night eye cream

This is A LOT for me. To me, that’s 3,000 steps. But it’s basic enough that it’s manageable without making me get up earlier in the morning or commit too much time before bed. Now I do switch it up at night because retinol creams can be harsh on my sensitive skin. So I alternate between that and an antiaging serum paired with vitamin c serum.

Now to the meat of this thing, the products I’m loving right now (I’ve added in some outside my normal daily routine because I like to switch it up):

Cleanser

Aveeno Positively Radiant Brightening Cleanser (Target, $5.59)

I’m a huge fan of Aveeno products. They’re inexpensive and they are so gentle on my skin. I also use their makeup remover wipes. This cleanser is long lasting, gently exfoliates, and the bottle lasts me forever. I even bought a three pack on Amazon for $15 thinking I’d go through the bottle faster but one of these bad boys has lasted me 5 months.

Toner

Equate Beauty Deep Cleaning Toner (Walmart, $2.50)

Look, I’m not claiming this is the best toner on the market at $2.50 but it works really well for me. I’ve been using it for years and had no issues. Again, one bottle lasts me probably 3 months. A little goes a long way.

Exfoliating Liquid

Paula’s Choice Skin Perfecting 2% BHA Liquid (Paula’s Choice, $29.50)

A friend recommended this to me because she also has super sensitive skin. It’s the first Paula’s Choice product I’ve tried and I’m hooked. It’s made with simple ingredients, no frills packaging and safe enough for me to use twice a day. I noticed a difference in the softness of my skin as well as how bright my skin has been right away.

Antiaging Night Cream

ROC Retinol Night Cream (Amazon, $12)

This product has been around for decades. I love that it is constantly rated high on every product list and is still $12. You can really get it anywhere but for me, Amazon is easy. It’s effective and stands the test of time, which is good enough for me.

Eye Cream

Bare Minerals SkinLongevity Vital Power Eye Gel Cream (Amazon, $18)

I love Bare Minerals products so I tried out their SkinLongevity line and while the serum made me breakout, I’ve found success with the eye cream. It’s gotten rid of virtually all dark circles as well as made my eyes in general feel brighter and softer. I think it’s normally $25-$30 but I found it on Amazon for $18. It’s not just a night cream either so feel free to use this bad boy for your daytime cream too.

Antiaging Vitamin Night Serum

Derma e Antiwrinkle Night Serum (TJ Maxx, $5.99)

I first tried out Derma e products from my BirchBox sbscription and found I really enjoy them. I started seeing their products at TJ Maxx for anywhere from $5.99-$9.99 so I scooped them up. This night serum is a great trade off when I need a break from retinol which can be harsh on sensitive skin. It’s got a great consistency and gives my skin the vitamins it needs each evening. I top this off with their vitamin c serum as well.

Exfoliating Wash

ELF Gentle Peeling Exfoliant (ELF.com, $8)

I bought this on Black Friday when everything on ELF was 60% off. I LOVE IT.  I believe it was $8, but don’t quote me. It’s gentle on my sensitive skin but you can see and feel it working as the dead skin lifts right off your face and neck. Highly recommended for those of you who are too sensitive for intense exfoliating treatments at the spa but still need to get that refresh. I only use it maybe 2x a week max.

That’s it. That’s what I’m loving right now. I have a lot of masks as well as some other face washes but these are my tried and true go to products right now.

What are you using? Share with your friend sequins!

Diary of an Anxious Person, Part 328423

Prior to my recent commitment to therapy, I had in fact gone to therapy in the past. I had even gone on a semi regular basis at one point. But what I now know is that while you can physically go to therapy, unless you're willing to be truly open and honest, it doesn't mean anything.

So while I thought that I was working to find tools for managing my anxiety, I wasn't. I wasn't laying everything on the table and talking about past traumas nor opening up enough to really understand why I have anxiety and what triggers it.

More recently I've opened up to my therapist more than I ever have with anyone in life. And what I've begun to understand is that carrying my burdens on my own only makes my life harder. You cannot outrun your own story. Each experience shapes how you think, act, and feel. And until you start to talk about those things, you won't be able to control your own demons.

As a teenager and into my 20's, I was sick a lot. I was hospitalized, had multiple surgeries, and rarely felt healthy. That time was also when I experienced my greatest traumas and had my most unhealthy relationships. There's a link there I never took the time to understand. Doctors always told me my immune system was the problem. So I believed them. Realistically, what I was experiencing mentally was absolutely affecting how my body reacted physically.

There are numerous studies correlating mental and physical well being. It's not hippie voo doo philosophy, it's scientifically proven that what you think directly affects how your body feels. We see it in serious illnesses and we see it in mental illness. It's fact. Kind of like global warming folks. Stop pretending it's not a thing. It's a thing.

Back to me. The more I grow and take steps to manage my mental health, the more my physical health has responded. I used to get pneumonia/bronchitis every year without fail. The flu was something I experienced multiple times annually. Surgery used to be an annual tradition. I haven't had surgery since 2008. I just got pneumonia for the first time in probably 2 years. The flu? Don't know her. And I am a big believer that unburdening my past, trusting my therapist to help guide me with dealing with those things, has led my immune system to follow. I'm mentally healthier so I'm physically healthier too.

In fact - a month or so ago, when I was struggling with mental balance, I noticed my body was off too. I'm more in tune with this correlation so it's easier for me to adjust my self care to bring back more balance to my body.

For whatever reason, even when we are speaking with experts who's job it is to manage our mental and physical health, we lie. We hold back vital information. We are embarrassed to tell these professionals the entire truth. And that's absurd. Do you really think your doctor and your therapist haven't heard it all? Better yet, how do you expect to get a proper diagnoses with steps to healing if you're not being truthful about what you're going through? I get it, we all fear judgment. But we are all in that same boat. And we all have some weird times in our lives. The good news? Legally, these people have to keep your quirky behavior private. Even better news? Sharing all of that information with a professional, that literally relieves a huge weight from your chest.

I've had so many things to address with my therapist that I think I have held back less out of embarrassment and more out of pure exhaustion. I leave sessions emotionally and physically drained. It's not an easy process to be totally exposed with a stranger. The work and the pressure is entirely on me. She acts as a guide to take me to places I might never have gone to before, but it's 100% my responsibility to do the homework and take the steps to recovering and being healthier in the future.

I can't sugarcoat this part of therapy and living with mental illness. It feels like I haven't slept, ran a marathon, and have 48,000 more assignments to complete before tomorrow. The feeling doesn't pass easily. It doesn't lead me to some moment of clarity where the world gets easier and I'm cured. It's a roller coaster and it always will be. But you do start to notice that things get a little easier. And that your mood becomes more even. Anxiety becomes just a smidge more manageable. It is a quicker recovery when I do have moments of panic.

What I can say is without committing to this complete openness, I wouldn't be able to sustain a healthy life. I would continue becoming sick. I would not live a normal life. I quite frankly would grow worse and worse unless I finally took a stand and said all in or all out.

I understand mental illness is diverse and its not easy. Every story is different. Some harder than others. Some of us don't cope well. It's not your fault that you have this burden to bear.

It is however on you to take responsibility for it and to do everything you can to overcome.

We are all born with (as I like to call them) extra features. They are the pieces that might not be the highlight reel of our stories, but they are nevertheless part of who we are.

You don't get a pass because you're suffering from something. We are all going through something.

I encourage you to figure out what concoction of medicine, therapy, activity, etc that works for you. It's your responsibility to get out there and figure out what your perfect cocktail is and mix it. Nobody ever promised an easy life. The good news is, if you're dealt a difficult card, you've got the opportunity to make it easier.

The choice is yours sequins! Are you going to make excuses or build the tools to succeed?

Homework Assignments

My therapist recently gave me two worksheets. They are my homework assignments. Both challenge me to think critically about feelings, relationships, and how to improve upon both.

I love worksheets. Anything that gives me a set of defined tasks, a checklist, and boxes to fill in my answers gives my heart a flutter.

The first worksheet is going to be my homework assignment to you all today.

Here's your task:

I'm going to give you 5 categories and you need to:

1. Identify what you're doing well in this area

2. Where you need to improve and

3. What are your goals for the relationship?

Categories:

Family, Career, Physical Health, Mental Health, and Friends

My example is going to be Mental Health.

1. I'm seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist to acknowledge my areas of weakness, come up with medical support, and talk therapy for giving me the tools to manage anxiety.

2. I allow my anxiety to control a large piece of my life both personally and professionally. I also still have a problem trusting, opening up, and relying on others.

3. My goal is to get to a place that I feel confident in being able to manage my anxiety daily as well as learn to process and express emotions in a healthy way.

Now go do your homework. Report back what you find and if this exercise helped you as much as its starting to help me. Sometimes writing down things like this help us to better process and understand the reality of them so that we know how to best manage and create a better life for ourselves.