Unconscious Bias

I’m pretty "woke.” I like to stay informed fight for equality, talk to people that are nothing like me. But I am not perfect. And I’ve got a lot of unconscious biases to move away from.

The other day I made a comment about a photo and how in the Lululemon ad it looked like the woman had a penis in her leggings. In no way was it meant to be negative towards the trans community. It was more poking fun at Lululemon, a company famous for its biases towards really thin women. My coworker made a really valid point: women can have penises too.

It didn’t matter that I didn’t mean any offense. It could be offensive to someone. I get it, we are all so very offended these days. But this falls into the category of something that I could put effort into being more aware. I believe it is my responsibility as a feminist to make everyone feel equal and loved.

I’m also not saying I should feel guilty or like I did anything wrong. The truth is, I’ve grown up in a very straight hetero normative world. That’s really all I’ve known because its my experience. I have to unlearn those experiences to some extent to welcome in new norms.

Why is this important? Why can’t everyone just “be less sensitive?” Sure, we can go that route, and that’s fine if that’s really how you want to live. I personally believe in equality. I want to experience that for myself and for future generations. So I’m willing to put in a little extra work, to ensure that I’m changing my unconscious biases and making the world easier for others.

I think we’ve actually become less sensitive and more selfish. We get so outraged and point so many fingers and instead of figuring out what something means, we just lash out. We are uninformed and we aren’t talking to each other and that’s creating a lack of safe space for really everyone.

Instead of becoming angry or defensive - take a deep breath. Have the conversation with an open mind. And if ultimately a little compassion and a little extra effort on your part can make someone else more comfortable, how is that not worth the energy? I’d hope that someone would do the same for me. We all have to live here, let’s make it livable.

Anxious Activities

I like plans. I love lists. I like having active checklists and resources to rely on. I’ve been working hard lately to create go to things for me to do to help calm my anxiety. I wanted to share them because I know a lot of people out there who are anxious and struggle with how to cope!

Be Grateful

I bought a really cute notebook and a fun set of pens and every night before bed I write down three things I’m grateful for. Sometimes it’s super deep, and sometimes it’s simply that I am grateful for glitter. But it helps relax me before bed and get my mind in a happy place; which in turn helps me sleep.

Coloring

My mom bought me a weenie dog coloring book and some colored pencils and it sounds ridiculous but focusing on coloring helps distract me from whatever makes me anxious. It also keeps me off the socials when I’m sitting in front of the tv. I’m even thinking of taking it to work for a brief color break as needed.

Thank You

I bought a 48 pack of floral blank cards and once a week I write a thank you note to someone. It can be someone at work, a friend, anyone. But again, it takes me back to a thankful place and helps remind me how much I have to be thankful for. It calms my anxious thoughts and worries when I remind myself to be grateful.

Snuggle

Sometimes I pickup my dog and make him snuggle. It sounds weird but a quick 5 minute snuggle sesh makes my heart happy. Dogs love us so much and it’s hard to feel anything but love when you’ve got arms full of puppies!

What are you doing to stay calm and distract your anxious thoughts?

Ignorance is bliss

I spoke about this in an earlier blog but I wanted to elaborate. I have said and thought a lot of ignorant things in my life. And I feel a lot of shame for ever thinking those things or speaking them into existence. Now on the level of ignorance, I’ve still always been pretty aware. But it’s important to acknowledge that I’ve said and thought things that are wrong and socially or politically unaware.

Why is this worth two blog posts? Because right now society exists in a place of us vs them. We are in constant competition to say what is right and what is wrong and who can be the most woke. There is so much shame around anyone who has ever thought something that is ignorant that I think many people live in fear of speaking up. That is not how we create a better world moving forward.

America is fucked up right now. Truly, I’m not sure how to sugarcoat that or say it in a better way. We rip children from their families. We are killing innocent black men at an alarming rate. Women’s rights are being stripped every single day. Hate is everywhere. And our President is the biggest proponent of this.

I’m all for standing up and saying what you believe is wrong. If you believe in hate, racism, sexism - general bigotry - you need to be called out on that. It is not ok to push these agendas.

Here’s where I disagree with some liberal agendas - shaming people for what they believe. In order to affect change, we have got to say you’re wrong and this is why. And we have to listen. Really sit down and listen and have open nonjudgmental conversations with people.

I am able to be more open and aware because I had people who allowed me safe spaces for questions. I openly spoke my ignorance into those safe spaces and instead of being shamed, I was given patience and guidance to a new perspective. Because those people shared their stories in such a comforting environment, I was able to form new opinions on my own based on hearing other experiences.

Politics and social issues are not a competition between two teams to be won and lost. Everyone continues to lose if we continue to operate the way we are. It’s not a game. Human lives have been lost. More lives are at risk. We need to do everything we can to encourage change as best we can through open and safe environments. The more we create a culture of fear, the longer we will live in this state of ugly. And I am so sick and heartbroken by the ugly I see around me.

I have believed ignorant things. I will probably believe more ignorant things again. I am not a bad person. I’m a better person because I’m willing to learn and grow and become a better member of society through safe spaces.

It’s also really important to me to be a safe space for anyone who needs one. If you have questions/comments or need someone to talk with, please know that I am here for you. If you’re open to growth and being more aware and empathetic, I’m here to help you however I can on that journey.

Educated

A lot of the problems that we face in society are due to a lack of education. Most people that carry around close minded, often bigoted viewpoints, do so because they are not educated. Schooling in America is broken. Teachers lack vital resources. Often times we can't even get kids to show up. And for whatever reason even in the classroom, we aren't teaching life skills necessary to coexisting.

We also have college educated adults who don't know a damn thing about life in the real world. I firmly believe that it doesn't matter where you are in life, you should always be learning. And not necessarily textbook learning. We are stuck politically and socially because people know nothing about other people and other situations.

If you're not spending time each day learning, you're failing.

I get it, everyone is busy. But we each have a responsibility to be better citizens. And time is no excuse for not learning.

Podcasts

Everyone has a commute, time at the gym, time at your desk, etc. Commit time each day to listen to a podcast wherever you can fit that in. There are so many options when it comes to content, there's no excuse not to find something you will enjoy. Between crime, politics, pop culture, history, honestly the list is endless.

Recommended: Ear Hustle, What You Missed in History Class, Pod Save America, Left Right and Center, Ted Radio Hour, Stuff You Should Know, 50 Things that Made the Modern Economy

Books

Weird, books still exist? YES. And they exist in many forms. I still go to the library where they're free but you can buy them anywhere and read them in digital form if you must. Additionally, you can even listen to books on audio so you can enjoy them as you would a podcast! Mix up your genres. It's cool to learn politics and social issues but reread some of the books you read as a kid because they actually make sense now.

Recommended: The Tipping Point (Malcolm Gladwell), American Government 101 (Kathleen Sears), What you should know about politics but don't (Jessamyn Conrad), Redeployment (Phil Klay), 1984 (George Orwell), The Hate U Give (Angie Thomas), Nickel & Dimed: On (NOT) getting by in America (Barbara Ehrenreich), To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lee), We Should All Be Feminists (Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie).

Talk

Spend time talking to people who are nothing like you. Have a friend who's deeply religious and you are not? Sit down and ask them questions. Are you a white woman? Speak with someone who is black or Asian or Latina about their everyday experiences. Find someone who is comfortable having an awkward conversation in a safe space. The more you ask the questions we all have but don't often know how to ask, the more you learn about what its like to be someone who is not you.

Recommended: Meet with people who have different political, racial, socioeconomic, gender, sexual preferences, etc. Come prepared with questions and really listen. Don't come in ready to challenge their way of thinking. Come in ready to take in everything they have to say and really think about that based on how they grew up and how they experience life. Then, meet again and discuss your differences and follow up questions you may have. Educated discussion is always a good idea.

Take a Class/Attend a Lecture

There are so many University classes online and in person as well as free lectures you can sit in on. Universities are breeding grounds for learning. I think now more than ever students are looking for information to become more informed. I'd say most public universities are more liberal while private (unless they're arts based) can tend to be conservative. Topics are diverse and bonus is that you'll be sitting with people from various backgrounds who provide different viewpoints on the discussion. Check out colleges in your area and look to see what they're offering.

You'll notice I didn't put the news on here. I get it, the news is a great resource for what's going on in the world. For me, it's hard to find a lot of unbiased news. Certainly be informed and aware. Personally, I prefer to be on Twitter, to add google alerts, and then read news reports with a grain of salt. We all know not to watch Fox News because that's not actually journalism. Stay up to date on news as far as it provides you what's happening. But do your best to research those announcements so that you're able to form educated and informed opinions on them.

What else do you do to encourage learning? Where are you expanding your knowledge? There's not really a wrong way to learn as long as you do so with an open mind and as often as possible.

Pop the Bubble

I've moved a lot. I spent 26 years in California and then I left and never stopped moving.

A lot of people question me for it. They ask what I'm running from. They call me flighty. They assume I have no plan. And what that tells me is that they're unsure of who they are.

I'm not running from anything. I've never been flighty about anything in my life. And everything I've ever done stems from an elaborate plan.

What happened was I became brave enough to pop the bubble.

I took a risk, I left everything I ever knew, and I moved to a place where I didn't know a soul.

And it was the single best thing I could have ever done for myself.

Having the courage to completely leave the bubble I was raised in was the scariest thing I have ever done. And at the same time, it's been the most defining moment of my life.

It's given me confidence in who I am and who I can be. I know that no matter what happens, I can do anything. I can pick myself up after any failure and I can achieve all the dreams I set for myself.

That's why I keep moving.

I refuse to get too comfortable. I refuse to stop growing. I refuse to settle for anything less than everything.

If a job, relationship, city doesn't feel right, I leave. Because I can.

Nothing is permanent. No situation is forever. You have the opportunity to change at any given moment if you have the courage and commitment to do so.

I know that if I'm going through a hard time, if I don't like the job I've accepted, the state I've moved to, it's all fixable. Certainly I advise giving all of that time and get to the root of the issue before making any major decisions, but don't let the negativity consume you. Have confidence that you can make a comeback, there are always options.

My only regret is that I waited 26 years to start the adventure. Because that's what it's been, the biggest best adventure of my life. It's the road to learning who I am and what I'm made of. It's getting the opportunity to work at my dream job. And then it's being completely broken when it was the worst job I ever had. It's the the city I never thought I'd love again but fell for in a whole new way. And it's being broken again when circumstances beyond my control forced me to leave that city and spend 6 whole months finding my next adventure. It's all of those and the ones after and the ones yet to come.

The day I dropped my parents off at the airport in Denver and was truly on my own for the first time, I cried. And I don't cry. My best girls actually refer to a bar in Santa Monica as the first time I ever cried because in the 10 years they've known me, that's the only time they've seen me cry. But I cried like a tiny baby the entire hour drive back to my new home. I had never been so far from my support system. I didn't have any friends. I didn't even know where to buy groceries.

I look back on those two years and laugh. The things I didn't know how to do. The fears I had. Look at me now. I'm a professional at moving. An expert at creating a full life in whatever city I land in. I don't even think twice about picking up and driving to a new home halfway across the country. In fact, I thrive on it.

I am fueled by the opportunities to live a life I don't even know about yet. It's exciting to think of the potential out there. I don't fear failure anymore. I fear complacency. I fear not being able to get the most out of my journey. I am so confident in my ability to succeed that I am crazy enough to think that all my dreams can come true.

Stop complaining. Stop wishing for more. Stop being afraid. Pop the freaking bubble. And watch all your limits cease to exist.

Expert Expertise.

I've never believed in the word expert.

Hear me out.

The word expert - to me - means knowing everything.  Right, I get it you egg heads, according to Merriam Webster, that's not the actual definition.  But for all intensive purposes, when I hear someone calling themselves an expert, my eyes involuntarily roll back so hard I'm convinced they may never come back to front.

I hope I'm never considered an expert in my field.   Call me an authority, a heavily trusted, or extremely knowledgeable member of my field, but don't ever hail me as an expert.

The word expert gives me a feeling of complete.  Of all knowing.  And something I think our generation has lost, is the art of learning.

We are a world of college and advanced degrees (and debt), but we are also a generation of merely doing these things to get the diploma because without them, we can't get jobs.  But I would argue that a large part of the people I see in the world are really aware of how to pass a test, complete an assignment, and finagle their way to a passing grade - but don't ever really learn a whole lot.

I'm constantly yearning to learn more.  When I travel, I do a little historical research on whatever city I'm going to.  I eat local, I talk to locals, I explore local.  I listen to the stories of the people around me and I learn about their lives.  I read every single day - often crime novels - but I learn new words, new tidbits, and I expand my knowledge.  I always ask the stupid questions.  WHY are we doing this?  WHAT if there's a different way?  The point is - I'm always learning.

Kids at school often learn because its what's expected.  But I'm not sure they're really encouraged to take in what they're being taught and apply it to life.  I think a lot of it goes back to the cycle of things.  You go to school, you advance, you go to college, you get a job.  There's never really a ton of opportunity to focus on the learning unless you're in a specialized field (shout out to you medical students, please pay attention to your learning!).  

As adults - we also get set in our ways.  We go to work, we go to the gym, we watch TV - its a cycle. 

When I talk to my friends, not a lot of them actually do research.  They show up and they engage.  I'm always researching.  Before Belize, I did my research.  Before I go to a restaurant, I research.  Before I complete a work assignment, I do research.  I do everything possible to learn and grow my skill set so that I never take for granted that I'm an expert.

For anyone out there aiming to be an expert, aim to be someone who learns instead.  Don't ever get complacent in what you do.  Don't ever assume you know it all in any given subject.  Force yourself to learn so that you become more aware how much you really don't know.  Become a student of life and dedicate yourself to continuous exploration of everything around you.

The less people think of themselves as experts, the more likely they are to be open to the differences around them.  And the more open they are to listening over speaking.  Never become an expert in anything but learning.  

Travel is a Drug.

Whether I'm traveling for work or for play - I feel alive once I step off that airplane into a new city.  I could be in Kansas City or Belize City, I love the feeling of the unknown and the unfamiliar.  Travel gives me an opportunity to learn, explore, and grow - and each and every time - I get all the feels.

I've been all over this great country of ours.  From Sacramento to NYC to Milwaukee, Nashville, Laramie, and everywhere in between.  I love learning about the culture and community that makes America such a diverse nation.  I eat local, I drink local, I hike local - I live local. 

And recently - I've gotten back to taking my travel high global.  I've spent time all over Mexico, the Caribbean, and South America.  But shockingly - I've never been anywhere else!  Not Europe, not Asia, not Africa!  And it's about time that changes. 

America is amazing - I love America so very much - but I need to learn to be a citizen of the world.  And as someone who values the differences each culture provides this giant melting pot - I can't wait to grow my knowledge of the people around me.

Traveling gives me a high nothing else provides.  I get butterflies when I'm about to go somewhere I've never been before.  I am humbled by the people I meet, the food I taste, the museums I explore.  And as long as I live, the greatest gift I'll ever give myself, is the ability to travel.

Next up? Europe.  I've got a really good feeling it's going to become my next addiction...

#SparkleOn