Milestones

I wanted to elaborate on milestones. As I mentioned last week, I’ve spent the last five yeas really reevaluating what life expectations actually align with what I want out of my time here.

Society does a lot to remind us that life is supposed to be an organized list of accomplishments.

You are born, you go to school, you get a job, you get married, you buy a house, you have some kids, you retire, you die. That’s the list and everything is required in a certain time frame or your society fairy will fine you and report you to the police. And then you will go to prison and die. These are the rules.

So like a lot of us who grew up with parents who did these things, I had these expectations for myself.

And then when I didn’t check these boxes in the time frame society told me to, I started to panic.

My society fairy would show up at 24 and tell me hey babe your friends from college are actually making 6 figures in the city and you’re making $32K and can’t afford top ramen most days.

At 26 she tapped me on the shoulder and said hey gorg, know that you’ve got a whole roster of men folk (love that for you) but you should have picked and married one by now. Meanwhile it’s Sunday at 9am and you’re grabbing your shoes from this guys floor and your cousin is picking you up because you left your car at the bar (we didn’t have uber then you little Gen z babies, the walk of shame was a true experience).

At 30 the bitch straight up called and said ok we have a problem. You’e 30, unmarried, not a millionaire and everyone else is on a private jet to Mykonos but you’re drunk at the Grand Canyon.

And now in a few months, at 35, my society fairy is going to bring a committee of society fairies to stage an intervention. 35 and gasp unmarried? NO children? You’re not a homeowner counting your big fat 401k from your Tesla SUV? HOW DARE YOU! The audacity.

But alas my friends, it is true. I’m going to be all of these things and more.

And I’d like to say to my society fairy and her panel of drag judges — we love it here.

Society has told me to do all the things and I truly thought I wanted and needed those things to live a complete and happy life. Without them surely I would be a failure and miserable human being. A curse upon my soul. A pox upon my overpriced apartment.

I’d like to let you in on a little secret — I’m neither of those things.

I am thriving. Some days sure, I don’t wash my hair, I wear dirty clothes, I spend all day eating cheese an chocolate and I don’t speak to other humans.

I like those parts of my life.

I like the life I have built and the experience I’m having here on Earth.

I am open to marriage most days, consider having kids about 1 day a month, and I do plan to buy a house soon. Maybe 2.

I also think that if you know me, the me that is authentically myself, it makes perfect sense to you that my wild spirit would never follow the rules of society. She’s too stubborn for that.

It makes no sense to me to think I would have been married in my 20’s when I was having the time of my life while simultaneously trying to be everything to everyone except myself.

It is unimaginable that I would trade the bucket list experiences I had in sports for a high powered city job and six figures.

When my society fairy taps me on the back these days, I tell her calm down babe, I’ll get to it. Or I won’t, I haven’t decided yet. But text me later k?

The whole point is that I am now in control. Or out of control? And I am more easily able to sit in uncomfortable feelings of falling behind and say is this a society fairy shoulder tap or how you’re really feeling? And if the answer is an authentic yearning for something, I go out there and make space for that thing in my life.

Milestones are incredible. They help create a full life. But are the milestones you have on your list ones that you have created or ones your society fairy has brought to you to fulfill?

Marinate in whatever space your society fairy sticks you in, but don’t stay there long. Hear the girl out, but don’t blindly follow her lead.

Build a life full of milestones that meet your expectations, make you proud, and make your journey feel full. That’s a life of milestones that matters.

Greater Expectations

As a follow up to expectations I wanted to talk about how to show people what you expect of them. Something I struggle greatly with is showing people how I deserve to be treated. I think this is a multi step system and I’ve been stuck on step one for 33 years.

Everyone talks about treating others as you wish to be treated. I got that part down. Like I’m really good at being a good human. I prioritize people and relationships that are important to me. I go above and beyond to show people I care. I’m your teammate when you need me. I’m sincerely tops at this part of the whole show people how you want to be treated. If this were a review at work, I would test off the scale in this category. Bonuses everywhere.

The place that I fail and should be fired at is when others don’t reciprocate this treatment, I don’t move on. I’m unsure if nobody shared this with me but if you very clearly show people how you wish to be treated and they do not treat you in this manner, you need to take back your energies and utilize them elsewhere. That shit blows my mind.

If I’m being the most best awesome friend, partner, colleague, mentor - WHATEVER - and it’s not being reciprocated, I need to move on. If you’ve shown someone, told someone, given them time to give you the same energy and care you give them, and they still don’t, that’s on you. They have shown you your worth to them and all you are showing them is that they can walk all over you and you will not leave.

Is this something ya’ll knew and nobody slipped me a memo?

I’m telling you, my world has changed. It’s certainly a struggle, but it’s a huge relief to take back my sparkle and use it on relationships with people who have decided I am worth their same energy. I never realized how much of my time and emotions I allowed to be controlled and drained by other people.

I’ve started to pull away the commitment I’ve given to some relationships and expended that energy on myself and those around me who don’t drain me. And it is wildly fulfilling. I’m less moody, I have more time to enjoy good people, and I am confident because I’m not being dragged down by relationships that don’t spark joy. Yea, back to that whole Marie Kondo Hunger Games edition. It works guys, really really works.

When you think about it, it’s simple. Time is energy. When you put a lot of time into relationships that aren’t creating equal value, the energy is really negative. So a lot of time, a lot of negative equals a lot of not feeling awesome. I think scientifically that’s how it’s classified.

Ultimately people prioritize their relationships based on the value they feel that person brings to their world. If you bring a lot of value and joy to someone’s life, they aren’t letting that go. If they let you go, it’s no knock on you, it’s just not the right human connection for you. Wish them well, let them go, and find your joy.

We should have greater expectations of others, but we should also have them of ourselves.

Different is Wrong

Hot take: It's perfectly ok to dislike someone simply because they have a different opinion than you. In today's delicate/heated/WTF is going on political environment, we often see people encouraging being accepting of different opinions, and in most cases, I'll agree. But if I'm keeping it real, if you back 45, I don't like you. And I think you're a bad person. And quite frankly, you are.

That goes in direct contrast to accepting different viewpoints. And I don't care. The only reason people who do support 45 claim its political - that its close minded to not accept them, is because they need to justify their ways. They don't have a defense for the wrongdoings of our current administration. Because there are no justifications. the go to is simply "well you're close minded" and "you only want to talk to people who think like you do." I love talking to people that have different viewpoints than I do. Let's chat a woman's right to choose, let's discuss gay marriage - the discussions are lively and often times, I learn something. But I have no desire to discuss anything with someone who thinks there is any reason to support a bigot. There's simply nothing to discuss, you're not making good choices, and that's a reflection of who you are inherently.

We've seen the facts - literally from his own mouth - 45 is not a good person. He's unqualified, ignorant, racist, an admitted sexual abuser and he's just bad for America (and the world). If you defend this person, even on the basis of political policy, you are also a bad person.

It's ok to be Republican and not support 45 - there's no loyalty to be had there. And there's no party disloyalty by not accepting someone who crumples the values you stand for. It's beyond political party - and honestly, he's making Republicans look really bad. Why would you want that of your party? The recovery alone from this non wavering support is going to be insane. Just another reason parties as a whole are absurdly ineffective and ancient practice. We don't need them.

I get it, that may seem as if I'm ignorant and hateful - but here's where you're wrong. What's going on right now, it's not ok. And in the future, when he's gone, we will know who stood on the side of wrong. And it will affect you in the future. You cant outrun being a bad person.

When people are wrong - and just plain horrible people - we need to stand against that (and those who support it). It's ok to not accept a viewpoint of hate. And it makes you a good human being for recognizing something so horribly wrong that you have to say to someone, I do not accept your different viewpoint.

Because I don't. I don't accept that you feel ok supporting someone who flat out admits sexually assaulting women simply because he can. I don't accept that you can justify a man who put children in camps after ripping them from their families. I don't accept you for believing it's ok that a man makes racist remarks from the office of the white house. I don't accept that viewpoint and I don't accept you for it. You are wrong, and you are embodying these horrible views.

Stating that you aren't racist/sexist/an abuser - but still supporting someone in power who is these things, that doesn't work. You are these things because you won't stand against them. Just because you've never outwardly acted in such a way doesn't mean you're against them. Enabling those that do, makes you part of the problem. It makes you just as bad.

It's not a difference of politics at this point. It's not a difference of opinion. It's wrong. Americans deserve better - and as the leaders of the free world, we owe everyone else more too.

I am not close minded because I don't accept your support of a traitor, criminal, sexual predator. You are ignorant and hateful because you can't see the problem with supporting such a person. Realistically, you don't see the problem with your actions either from a lack of education or a lack of exposure to the situations minorities face - and that's no longer an excuse either. Simply being ignorant or from a time where things were different - that's not a viable excuse.

It may not matter to you if you're shown in history as someone who is wrong, but it matters to me. Because as a person who wants better for the future, I care how I exist in the now. And I don't care if you think I'm a bad person for thinking you're a bad person. I know what's right and hate isn't right.

This one may lose me some friends and followers - and that's ok. Being a better person matters to me more than a couple friends who aren't people I should spend time with anyways and please, if I'm doing this for the followers, I'm failing. Like three people read this thing, and two are related to me.

Love is Love

I'm really lucky. My first memories of relationship talks with my parents were about equality. From a very young age I was told that love is love, no matter what love looks like for me (or anyone), as long as love is at the center, that's all that matters. It was made very clear that gay/straight/trans/bi were all just different ways to love oneself and others.

I never knew that not everyone was brought up with this belief system. Up until I was in high school, I assumed that we all lived in a world that accepted these as true.

When I started learning about the reality that men and women could only marry, that the term gay was used as a derogatory slur, that some people believed you go to hell if you love the same sex - I was shocked.

I'm straight. I have never suffered the hate that a lot of people in the LGBTQ community often face every single day.

I still truly don't understand anyone who claims that being gay/bi/trans is wrong. The idea that a person can say "I don't believe in that" is baffling. How can you not believe in something that's a reality?

As tired as I am of hearing the hate surrounding this community, I cannot imagine actually being a member of the community and how it must feel to still have to fight daily for basic human rights.

Hate is learned. Alienation, judgment, and ignorance are taught. When I meet people who do not support this community, what I hear is that you don't support equality. You don't believe in human decency and love.

It's quite bold to give yourself the power to say "this is wrong" when speaking about another person's human rights. What a privilege to be able to tell another person who they can and cannot love. How positively self absorbed you must be to own the decision for others on how they can live their lives.

We need to be better about teaching our children that as long as someone is a good person, love is love. It starts in the home. Do not allow hate in your home. When teaching religion, emphasize that only God can judge, it's your job to show love. Companies need to head off discrimination. State and federal laws must protect all of its people equally. Businesses should be open about their support of all communities.

There is no excuse for the discrimination of the people in the LGBTQ community. Period. End of story. Do better. Be Better.

A Lesson in Compassion

On Facebook lately I have been posting what I like to call: What you missed in Kindergarten.  It's a little lesson for those of you out there who forgot critical teachings such as:

1. Treat others as you wish to be treated
2. Keep your hands to yourself
3. Clean up your messes

Today, I'm going to bring one of these great lectures to all of you.  And this one is called:

Compassion.

Compassion is a feeling of wanting to help someone who is sick, hungry, in trouble, etc.

Read that back please.  Soak it in.  Really applies to current happenings in the world doesn't it?

I was raised to have deep compassion for others.  As much as I can be a bit cold and dead inside - I'm ultimately nursing a bleeding heart.  I want to help people.  Except for spiders, spiders can all be crushed and killed. 

As a kid I remember standing up to bullies.  As an adult I give time and money to helping those who don't have what I have.  I'm that way because I learned it from my parents.  The best lesson I have ever learned from my parents is to leave things better than you received them.  That includes the people you meet.

Compassion extends well beyond charity.  Compassion means having love and acceptance for those who are different.  And quite frankly, I'm not really sure what two people are the same, so we are ALL different.

In America today, we have a leader who encourages hate.  He is the opposite of a compassionate human being and it has only made me want to be more compassionate.  He makes me want to stand up for those being oppressed and say not today Satan - you don't get to do this to other people.

Compassion is love.  Compassion is kindness.  It's holding your hand out to stand by those who need an extra hand.  It's stopping yourself before you say something cruel.  It's spending time correcting those who give out hate.  Compassion is realizing the world is bigger than you.

My challenge to you is to be more patient.  Be more open.  Spend time committing your efforts to compassion and bettering the world now so that we can leave it in a better place for the future.  Compassion is having the courage to stand up to those who don't have compassion and say I choose to treat others as I wish to be treated and I choose to leave a legacy of empathy for future generations to come.

Class dismissed. 

Open to More.

I grew up in California.  I spent 26 years living in California.  Californians are generally brought up a bit more liberal.  We are existing in a pretty diverse community surrounded by so many religious, political, and lifestyle beliefs that it becomes second nature.  I'm more comfortable around diverse groups of people than I am in a room of people that share my lifestyle.

I've always considered myself an extremely open minded person.  I generally believe in treating everyone as you wish to be treated.  But living in the South has taught me a whole new way to open my mind and really think about the different beliefs of people around me. 

Texas is generally a conservative state.  There is still a lot of racism, restrictions on women's reproductive rights, and a lot of Trump supporters.  And a lot of these people are really vocal about those beliefs.  They preach Christianity but also shout from the rooftops really ignorant beliefs.  And something I've learned - is that you can't talk reason to someone who truly believes in what they've been bred to believe.

I'm not into dividing people politically.  I actually think people who commit their lives to one party are misguided.  It's more important to me to look at the bigger picture and how policy fits into the lives of Americans rather than blindly following red vs. blue.  But the more I speak to the die hard reds out here, the more open minded I've become.

I used to clump any Trump supporter in a group of idiots.  Because how could anyone possibly vote for such a truly horrible human being.  But then I've met people whom I truly respect and enjoy that have also made the mistake of voting for Trump.  And it's given me pause.  It's forced me to understand why they felt the need to support such a person.  And while I still don't agree with that support - I cannot possibly just lump those in the Trump voter category as idiots.  Now if they're still actively touting this man as a great human being, my respect does dwindle but I digress.

It's interesting to be forced to look at someone who's beliefs you actively disagree with in a new light.  No, I don't suddenly feel that a bunch of old white men have any business directing what I can do with my body - but I do feel more compassion for the people that truly believe these things.  They've grown up in a really different world than I have.  They feel their religion dictates what they believe.  Or they're sheltered by their circumstances.  The point is - people are a whole compilation of their background, religion, lifestyle, the people they spend the most time with - and they're not simply X, Y, and Z opinions.

Taking the time to find my patience, ask the questions, and be more accepting - that's what the South is teaching me.  Slowly, but surely, I'm getting there.  I'm starting to realize how lucky I was to grow up in a state that gave me the world of diversity it did.  I truly never thought in 2017 there were people out there in major cities promoting hate and antiquated views - but there are.  And they're not a rarity.  That's why continuing to talk - respectfully - is critical to the cycle of life today.  And its equally as critical that even when you vehemently disagree with someone else, that you treat them with respect. 

...Unless they're actively hurting other people, then the gloves are off and I'm coming for you - because you have every right to believe what you believe, but the second it hurts another, you're out of bounds and deserve to be shown a better way.

#ShineOn

Number One.

In a world focused on likes, the number of friends on your Facebook, and who you know - it's hard to remember that YOU are number one.  That your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship you will ever have. 

Growing up, I was always a bit of a beat to her own drum kind of kid.  But I also wanted to be well liked.  Instead of embracing everything that made me unique, I often conformed to whatever group I thought I should be like at any given time.  And that's an exhausting way to live life. 

I was often accused of being too much.  Too loud, too feisty, too opinionated.  It's been assumed my upbeat demeanor means I'm dumb.  I've been told I'm too intimidating.  Too picky.  The point is - I've let a lot of people tell me a lot of things about who I should be.  And that got me to a really dark unhappy place.

As hurtful as it is to hear people you care about tell you such ugly things about yourself, you have to learn to ignore it.  I was recently told - would it be nice if your people accepted you?  Yes.  But it's really freeing to not need that.  To accept yourself.  So that's what I'm doing.

I'm a wonderful person.  I'm kind, caring, fiercely loyal, passionate, and committed to standing up for myself and others.  I'm loud, sometimes I put my foot in my mouth, I've been known to raise my voice in a fit of frustration, and I've said mean things to people I love.  I'm a work in progress.  But I am a wonderful person.  And I can honestly say I love who I am. 

That's a really big step for me.  To make the decision to own up to my entire package and say - I'm doing ok.  I'm going to choose to respect the opinions of others who don't agree - but I will not let them define me.  Only I can define who I am. And who I will continue to grow and become.  And I feel so incredibly free being able to not only say that out loud, but to actively work to retrain my brain and to believe it. 

We all have our doubts.  We all let the words of others get to us.  We all have days where we question who we are.  But the key to personal growth and success is to be strong enough to minimize those days.  To come back stronger.

So let's talk about how to self love.  I'd like to leave you with some tools that I am putting into practice on my journey - I hope they help you too:

• Celebrate your strengths: Every morning, write down a quality about you that's awesome.  Today I wrote down that I'm strong.  I'm a fighter and I'll make it through anything.
• Acknowledge your areas of growth: Notice I don't say weaknesses.  Areas of growth are things like you have a temper, or you have trouble listening, etc.  Today I wrote down anxiety.  I need to get back to utilizing my tools to control my anxiety.
• Surround yourself with people who do love you for you: You need cheerleaders.  Keep those people so very close.  They're people who accept you, the good the bad the ugly.  I meet with girlfriends weekly to support each other, talk about our frustrations, and to laugh.  It's incredibly healing and uplifting for us all and I'm beyond grateful for this time.  The no judgment zone is the most freeing place to be
• Find your Zen: What makes you happy?  What relaxes you?  I love working out, I love writing, and I love reading.  When I'm not having a good mental day - I do these things to reset my mindset.  Do whatever works.  A manicure, shopping, cooking, honestly anything that distracts you and allows you to refocus your negative mindset to a healthier one.
• Be ok with not being ok: Not every day is a sparkly day.  That's ok.  You're allowed to have a bad day.  Utilize it to understand why you're there and come back stronger the next day.
• Reflect and Evaluate: Take time throughout the year to reflect on where you were and where you're at and where you're headed.  Mental health awareness is huge.  Are you stuck in a rut?  Are you depressed or frustrated?  Where are you at and if its not a good place, acknowledge it and seek out help.  If you're growing and happy and thriving, celebrate that and focus on keeping along that path.
• Pay it Forward: Be kind and encouraging to others.  not only does it help others which is incredible, it helps YOU to feel good.  All around, it helps everyone and helps with your development.  And its just good karma.

At the end of the day - if you don't love you, its hard for everyone else to.  Working on yourself and recognizing self love is not selfish it is critical to your growth and sanity.  It's ok to say I need to step away from this unhealthy situation, that you disagree when someone calls you unlikeable, to take time to find yourself.  If you're not in a good place with you, you can't possibly be putting good back out there for everyone else.  Focus on number one once in awhile, for the good of everyone.

#SparkleOn