I am a California girl. Something I really struggled with in Texas was the lack of outdoor living. I thrive when I can be near mountains and beaches and in general live most of my life outside. Texas just isn’t an outdoor state. A lot of the year its too hot to get outdoors and in Dallas, there’s one nature trail and lakes that are ripe with snakes! Being that I traveled most of my two years in Texas, its not something I truly noticed until the end of my time there. I honestly spent the majority of my two years in Dallas, not in Dallas. Never really had to think much about how I felt about living there because I’m not really sure I did for a long time.
I was also really unhappy at my job. Although I had been able to work on some incredible projects, big name clients, and truly grow my skill set, I didn’t feel it was somewhere I could be happy. I was either in a position that lacked good leadership and took over my life or I wasn’t challenged enough or passionate enough about what I was doing. Which is why I sought to leave.
This new role I’m in is not something I sought out. It’s in an area I swore I’d never live in. It’s in a field I have no experience in. On paper, it gets me back to everything I’ve talked about having for the past few years. The outdoor lifestyle. Closer to my family and friends. A company that’s challenging me with work I’m excited about. A team that values me for who I am. Fair pay, insane benefits. The opportunity to have a life that I enjoy.
And yet, I’ve never been more terrified about a next move in my entire life. I spent the first week in my new city overthinking everything. I was anxious every moment of the day. I kept questioning if I made the right decision.
Why when I’m seemingly being handed everything I’ve ever wanted in this moment, I am the most afraid and unhappy?
Most of my life I’ve lived looking for what’s next. I’ve had some part of the package that doesn’t fit and leaves me needing to move on. I think what has scared me the most about this move is that it has the opportunity to be permanent. To be somewhere I can be content. That I don’t have to constantly be looking for where I’ll go next. Where I’m at now can be an investment in building a life where I stay put.
For the past 6+ years, I’ve been on a journey that is easy for me to leave. I’ve made so many friends that are hard to leave, but the actual places I’ve lived and jobs I’ve had, I’ve left without looking back. I’ve always arrived knowing I’d leave sooner rather than later. It was never scary because I knew I didn’t plan to stay.
Arriving here feels more real and serious because this could be where I finally dig in roots and build a future. And that scares me. That’s a future that puts pressure on me to succeed.
I’m sure many can relate to the idea of needing to feel ready to up and leave. That there’s always an out. And sure, there’s an out for me here. I can always leave. I’m not required to be here forever. But there’s a lot more at stake for me. My family is here. My friends are mostly here (or close by). I love this state. I’m invested in this job and the people on my team. I love the brand I work for. If I fail here, it means something. I think it’s a huge test of what I’m made of in business.
If I’m to guess what my therapist would say, she’d probably point to my fear of failure (and thinking I’m not good enough or achieving enough) and my fear of commitment (my need to only rely on myself).
I’m probably afraid that because this is something familiar (and yet unfamiliar in my new role), I’m taking a huge risk and failing here, not achieving enough here, that’s heavy for me. Like there’s no diet capable of removing that kind of weight.
I’m also very much not on my own here. I can’t simply hole up and avoid the world around me. My circle here wouldn’t allow that. Whether I like it or not, I’m not alone. I cant hide because there are too many people here to find me. I can’t create a distance or put up a wall.
Reading all this, thinking through it all, it makes me feel a bit of relief. Its wild to think the familiar is what can scare us the most. But it makes sense. Coming back feels full circle, but it also nags at me as a failure. And it all suffocates me a bit.
I think if I’m honest, the scariest thing I’ve ever done is come back to California. To embark on something both wildly familiar and wildly out of my comfort zone. I’ve moved thousands of miles away and moving home is the scariest experience I’ve ever had.
The point is, the things that should seem to be the easiest, can often be the most difficult. Just because something appears to be a situation you should handle with ease does not mean you will. And that’s ok.
The experiences we expect to be the best days of our lives can cause us the most anxiety, fear, and sadness. And that’s ok.
It’s the every day that often causes our mental health to suffer the most. Because those are the times we don’t check in with ourselves and ask for help. Nobody wants to say “this really awesome thing is happening to me and I want to cry every second of the day.” We don’t feel safe in reaching out because on the surface, nothing terrible is happening, why in the world would we be suffering?
I spent most of the time not telling anyone how much I was hurting. How I woke up sweating, in a panic. How I cried for the first time in 3-68 years. I pretended to thrive on the excitement and be only thinking of how incredible my life was. How lucky I was for this next adventure. An adventure that quite literally was handed to me. Inside, I was crumbling.
I wish I had spoken up and expressed my feelings to someone. That’s what your people are there for. To help you when you don’t know how to help yourself.
I’m in a better place now. I’m excited. I’m looking forward to all the possibilities. I’m confident in what I bring to the table. I have my moments. I’m human - as much as I’ve fought it - I’ve got feelings!
Who thought my boldest adventure yet would be to go home again?
Often times our emotions don’t make sense. There’s all these rules dictating how you should feel in any given situation. And yet, we all know those rules don't always hold. We aren’t alone. Stop holding it in and start talking about it. The more we open up and say what’s going on, the more we find people who are going through something similar. You may even help someone around you who went through the same thing.
At the end of the day, don’t dismiss how you feel. You know yourself better than anyone. You know when you need help and when you’re just going through something. Don’t let it get bad. And don’t shame yourself for needing to speak up. There’s no rules to surviving, I just ask that you do.
