Milestones

I wanted to elaborate on milestones. As I mentioned last week, I’ve spent the last five yeas really reevaluating what life expectations actually align with what I want out of my time here.

Society does a lot to remind us that life is supposed to be an organized list of accomplishments.

You are born, you go to school, you get a job, you get married, you buy a house, you have some kids, you retire, you die. That’s the list and everything is required in a certain time frame or your society fairy will fine you and report you to the police. And then you will go to prison and die. These are the rules.

So like a lot of us who grew up with parents who did these things, I had these expectations for myself.

And then when I didn’t check these boxes in the time frame society told me to, I started to panic.

My society fairy would show up at 24 and tell me hey babe your friends from college are actually making 6 figures in the city and you’re making $32K and can’t afford top ramen most days.

At 26 she tapped me on the shoulder and said hey gorg, know that you’ve got a whole roster of men folk (love that for you) but you should have picked and married one by now. Meanwhile it’s Sunday at 9am and you’re grabbing your shoes from this guys floor and your cousin is picking you up because you left your car at the bar (we didn’t have uber then you little Gen z babies, the walk of shame was a true experience).

At 30 the bitch straight up called and said ok we have a problem. You’e 30, unmarried, not a millionaire and everyone else is on a private jet to Mykonos but you’re drunk at the Grand Canyon.

And now in a few months, at 35, my society fairy is going to bring a committee of society fairies to stage an intervention. 35 and gasp unmarried? NO children? You’re not a homeowner counting your big fat 401k from your Tesla SUV? HOW DARE YOU! The audacity.

But alas my friends, it is true. I’m going to be all of these things and more.

And I’d like to say to my society fairy and her panel of drag judges — we love it here.

Society has told me to do all the things and I truly thought I wanted and needed those things to live a complete and happy life. Without them surely I would be a failure and miserable human being. A curse upon my soul. A pox upon my overpriced apartment.

I’d like to let you in on a little secret — I’m neither of those things.

I am thriving. Some days sure, I don’t wash my hair, I wear dirty clothes, I spend all day eating cheese an chocolate and I don’t speak to other humans.

I like those parts of my life.

I like the life I have built and the experience I’m having here on Earth.

I am open to marriage most days, consider having kids about 1 day a month, and I do plan to buy a house soon. Maybe 2.

I also think that if you know me, the me that is authentically myself, it makes perfect sense to you that my wild spirit would never follow the rules of society. She’s too stubborn for that.

It makes no sense to me to think I would have been married in my 20’s when I was having the time of my life while simultaneously trying to be everything to everyone except myself.

It is unimaginable that I would trade the bucket list experiences I had in sports for a high powered city job and six figures.

When my society fairy taps me on the back these days, I tell her calm down babe, I’ll get to it. Or I won’t, I haven’t decided yet. But text me later k?

The whole point is that I am now in control. Or out of control? And I am more easily able to sit in uncomfortable feelings of falling behind and say is this a society fairy shoulder tap or how you’re really feeling? And if the answer is an authentic yearning for something, I go out there and make space for that thing in my life.

Milestones are incredible. They help create a full life. But are the milestones you have on your list ones that you have created or ones your society fairy has brought to you to fulfill?

Marinate in whatever space your society fairy sticks you in, but don’t stay there long. Hear the girl out, but don’t blindly follow her lead.

Build a life full of milestones that meet your expectations, make you proud, and make your journey feel full. That’s a life of milestones that matters.

Fake Adult

I’m about to be 35 in a couple months.

When I was 16, 35 to me was the time in which I would be married, have 2.5 kids, a house in the suburbs and a bitchin car in the driveway.

My 35 doesn’t look like that.

Having spent the last 5 years redefining what I thought my future was supposed to be has been a journey. It’s been a whole lot of unlearning societal expectations, struggling with those milestones not reached, and realizing that a lot of the things I thought I wanted were in fact just things I thought we did as adults.

And now, as I come upon an age that seemed about 1,000 yeas away, I feel like a fake adult.

I’m doing all the things society tells you to do when it comes to being an adult. I have a great job, I’m paying my bills, I’m not committing wild crimes. I generally make it through the day without any trouble.

All the things on paper, I’m out here doing them.

Internally though, I feel 25. I feel like there’s so many of the things I’m not checking off. I’m not married. I don’t have kids (nor any real desire right now to have any), I don’t own a house. Did buy myself the bitchin new car though.

All in all, you’d look at me and say yes queen, adult away, B+ on Wednesdays but all other days you’re easily an A- or better. Keep up the good work and check back in at 36.

I would be lying if I didn’t say the society fairy doesn’t check in with me once in awhile to be like hey girl, just wanted to point out that we generally expect xy and z at this age so you’re late and we want you to know we sent a memo to everyone else in the world letting them know.

When that society fairy comes through I do allow her to sit there a little longer than I should. I do let her poke me with doubts and sometimes I even let her toss me down a spiral of shame and fear.

Yet most days, most days I think to myself, maybe we are all just fake adults.

Maybe the woman living the life I thought I was supposed to at 35 is sitting here thinking she’s fake adulting because she doesn’t have it all together like she thought she would.

Maybe the high powered career babe is thinking shes a fake adult because everyday she doubts herself and how she got to where she did.

Maybe the single Sex & the City Samantha babe living her NYC dream also feels like a fake because she’s thriving in her womanhood but doesn’t know how to turn on the stove in her penthouse.

I sort of think maybe we are all fake adults who spend each day just trying to make it out alive. I believe that society puts all these rules and expectations and marketing and says ok you guys, go out there and be this adult today! And then next week, you also have to do it while running a marathon and writing a novel! And if you don’t do it all, you’ve failed and we will send your society fairy to remind you.

So yea, maybe I am a fake adult because I don’t have a husband, 2.5 kids, and a house in the suburbs. Maybe some days I have cheese for dinner. Maybe some weeks I wear the same shorts 5 days in a row. Maybe I spend too much time watching teen romantic comedies and swooning while also judging the characters for not being badass enough. And maybe at the end of the day, I still pay all my bills, feed my dog, do the laundry, create meaningful relationships, exercise, and laugh.

And just maybe, that’s what being an adult is anyways. It’s faking it until you make it. And maybe, we are all just a whole bunch of fake adults smiling at each other when we are really thinking “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing either.” And maybe we should just say that to each other more.

Fairytales

People are complicated. That’s the understatement of a lifetime. And yet, for the most part, I’m not sure it’s something we internalize and process in a realistic manner.

Growing up my life seemed like an idyllic fairy tale. I’m from a small wealthy suburban town where getting a car for your 16th birthday is expected. I was thin, pretty, an athlete, an A student and I had two involved parents who provided me with everything I ever needed and more.

Yet everyone has a story. In fact I’d say everyone has a few stories that intertwine to create a choose your own adventure of complications.

I am certainly not immune to that. My story is made up of traumas and joys and rock bottom and everything in between. Having all the things, the idyllic life, does not make for an actual fairy tale.

In 2020, when the world is overrun by a pandemic, civil unrest, an election year, and who could forget - murder hornets, I think reminding everyone that everyone you meet has a whole bunch of stories to tell is how we will survive.

I will credit 2020 with a lot of things and making me more empathetic is the greatest one.

As I am challenging friends to rethink political and social views, I’m also reminding myself that their story before this time has shaped who they are now. So be patient when demanding change.

When I am frustrated with the people at work who just don’t get that life isn’t worth the 24/7 hustle, I remember that some people turn to overwork to survive. I detach myself from those people and wish them well.

The point is, everyone has an intricate set of stories and experiences that make up who they are. These life learnings are what guide their reactions, opinions, words and overall make them who they are when they are with others.

Have a moment of patience more when your first instinct is rage, or judgment or fear. Remind yourself that you have no idea what this person has endured. Or not endured. Both ends of the spectrum shape the way a person experiences life.

I don’t always get it right when it comes to engaging with people in 2020, and I realistically won’t ever get it right 100% of the time. But I am committed to being 1% better so that I can hopefully be a more impactful person for the causes I am passionate about.

We all want to matter and feel heard. We also all want to be able to create meaningful connections and leave lasting impressions on this Earth for the short time we walk it. The best way to do those things is to lead with empathy. And to remember, everyone has a story. Perhaps 100 stories. It’s not your job to understand them, read them, or even author them. And yet, wouldn’t it be cool if one of their stories included the way in which you chose to show them they matter?

Guts

Quarantine + therapy + endless time to reflect = I’ve come to my 3,000th realization since March. I have realized my gut instinct is broken.

You know how you get that gut feeling and you’re supposed to follow it and trust it and let it be your source of truth? Mines broken. I get more like 3-5 instincts that my brain then must digest and then my anxiety throws in a what if and we are back at zero with no solution.

How did I get here? I’ll tell ya! From years of not living my authentic truth. From not confronting traumas. From not dealing with anxiety. From not allowing myself to feel anything. That’s how I lost my gut instinct.

I can’t for the life of me remember when I trusted my gut. Or when I had that visceral reaction that told me what I need to do in any given situation. I know it’s there. Hiding somewhere.

But I’m a grown woman. I need that gut instinct back. I need it to get me through life and in order to get it back, I need to get ME back!

I just read a book by a wonderful woman named Glennon Doyle. It’s called Untamed and it’s amazing. it’s about unlearning all the things women are taught to be. About dealing with traumas and finding your knowing so that you can be YOU! Happy, free and your very best you!

Glennon calls your gut your knowing. Its the you that deep down knows what you should be doing, saying, feeling and committing your time and energy to.

As I’ve spent the years getting my me back and developing unapologetically into the wonderful sparkle woman I was meant to be, I am seeing that the next step is to use that confidence for good.

I am finally actively acknowledging my power and the amazing human being that I am. I’m not apologizing for being energetic and loud and positive and opinionated. Because I am a good woman. And I don’t owe an explanation to anyone. I am me and that is my superpower.

So I lost my gut. My knowing. And now I’m going to get her back. And as we go through this pandemic and uncertain times, I’m going to let her guide me to all the dreams and future goals I always wanted. The future is bright and I can feel THAT in my gut.

Regular

I’m a regular looking woman. All of my features are stock and came with the body I’m currently in. The older I get, the more I prefer to keep it that way.

On most social media feeds, I see a lot of flawless, gorgeous women who lead really glamorous looking lives. They’ve got perfect skin, hair, lips, curves and on top of that they're acting like all of that just came effortlessly. It’s a carefully curated show that is often unattainable for a lot of women.

I hear a lot of women comparing themselves to what they see on Instagram. Or to the Kardahsian’s or Real Housewives or whatever new TV show is featuring women who refuse to age or are in fact 22 and supposed to look that way.

There’s about a thousand tutorials on everything from baking your makeup to contouring your legs. Products made to make our lips bigger and our waists smaller. New fillers and sculpting and 15 minute workouts and low fat recipes everywhere.

It’s unhealthy.

I also quite frankly find this look boring and played out.

I’m not saying it’s all bad. If that’s the look you crave, do you, you’re doing the right thing for you. What is bad is the constant feeling that you need to look a certain way. If you’re doing anything to look some type of way because it pleases others, that’s a problem. If how you look controls your entire world, that’s a problem.

I’ll be honest, I have considered getting Botox or other procedures and sometimes I still do. Yet the more I see the way women are spending money, time, energy and peace to look perfect, the more I’m ok being regular.

I’m probably not going to age as well as some of the women that are having work done. I’m going to look older sooner. I’m at peace with that. That may change, but right now, I’m fine with it.

I don’t like the overdone look. That overly plastic and perfectly unlined flawless image is just not for me.

I’m not saying let’s shame women who choose to look that way. I’m just saying let’s normalize women being regular too. Normalize women who just age and stick with the hair and nails as their maintenance. And not because its “brave.” Because it’s actually damn attractive to just love how you were made and look like the unique person you were born as.

Whatever works for you is great. Just made sure you’re doing these things for you. And only you.

Black Owned

Alright y’all! Ya girl loves to shop. And she loves to shop local. Today I’m featuring some Black owned businesses if you’re looking to do some good while you’re spending your monies!

Clothing

Thrilling: This is a Black owned store that curates vintage pieces from all over the US. So not only are you supporting Black women, you’re shopping sustainable! Yes please!

Chelsea Bravo: Known for her graphic lines and contemporary aesthetic, designer Chelsea Bravo makes simple yet bold pieces that are made to order, so there’s no additional waste.

Riot Swim: Full of standout yet classic swimsuits this line is amazing for curves!

Come Back As A Flower: This is another sustainable brand famous for hand dyed pieces, which are obviously all the rage right now. I’m obsessed with the comfortable cotton styles and one of a kind patterns.

Accessories

Humans Before Handles: Gorgeous jewelry with some of my favorite statement pieces in the game. Shockingly everything is under $50!

Valerie Madison: I love simple, classic well made gold jewelry. Her ready to ship line is right up my alley and affordable to boot.

Jam + Rico: Beautifully made, one of a kind statement jewelry with lots of color and an island vibe. Summer staples that will last years.

Art

Cortney Herron: Cortney and I went to college together and she’s got the best style. She’s also an incredible artist and a woman who celebrates the power of Black women.

Lovely Earthlings: Bold prints, cute cards and everything in between. Huge fan of the colorful style and simplicity of the pieces.

Home

M ktub Studios: Everyone needs candles at home, especially in COVID times. These handmade candles are gorgeously packaged and can burn for up to 50 hours.

Jungalow: Born out of designer Justina Blakeney's blog of the same name, Jungalow offers colorful home accessories that reflect her bold and plant-filled style. 

Sheila Bridges: Designer Sheila Bridges created her Harlem Toile de Jouy pattern as a riff on traditional French fabrics, incorporating scenes of contemporary African American life. The pattern is now in The Cooper Hewitt, Smithsonian Design Museum's permanent wallpaper collection. On Bridges's website, you can purchase it as fabric, wallpaper, or an assortment of accessories, like these umbrellas

Alcohol

Uncle Nearest: Under the leadership of Fawn Weaver, this Tennessee whiskey brand takes its name from Nathan “Nearest” Green, an enslaved man who distilled whiskey in the 1850s and taught young Jack Daniel the craft.

McBride Sisters Wine: This wine brand was born from two sisters with a passion for wine who spent time n both Monterey and New Zealand’s wine region.

Abbey Creek Vineyard: Oregon’s first Black vineyard owner and winemaker, Bertony Faustin began crafting his wines in 2008.

Darjean Jones Wines: Owner/Winemaker Dawna Darjean Jones, Ph.D. is behind this California label that sources from well-known vineyards in Napa and Sonoma.

HH Bespoke Spirits: Bespoke is a term used for custom-tailored clothing, and it describes some of the goods at the uptown New York boutique Harlem Haberdashery and its parent company, 5001 Flavors. Sharene and Guy Wood, who run the company with family members and other partners, have also used the term for their new line of spirits

Other ways to support Black owned businesses:

• Yelp now identifies local Black owned restaurants

• Etsy is also identifying Black owned businesses on their website

• Buy from your Black friends who have their own businesses

• Do some research in your area to find out what shops and restaurants are owned by your Black community members

Happy shopping friends! And don’t forget, Black Lives Matter!

I need help.

My whole life I grew up being told that things could be worse. From a very young age I internalized the idea that I could never complain about my problems because it could always be worse.

As I’ve said before, I grew up very privileged. I’ve never known what it’s like to worry about where I’d sleep, when I’d eat or how I’d pay my bills. Certainly in my 20’s I worked in some low paying jobs and had to choose between paying bills or eating but I have always had a safe home and a support system. If I got really desperate, I could get help.

I have been acutely aware of this privilege my entire life. So I never complained. I sucked it up and I pushed forward. I didn’t ask for help. No matter what the situation, I pack away the problem, handle it myself or ignore it and I move on. Because it can always be worse.

While I think that mentality has allowed me to be extremely resilient, it has also caused me to internalize my very real problems. I am also unable to ask for help when I need it. I associate asking for help as failure.

Thankfully in the last couple years I have started to make a change. I go to therapy, I do the exercises and I’m opening up more to my circle. I’m learning to say I’m not ok, I need your help.

Heres the thing, everyone needs help. Everyone goes through things that require a support system to lean on. Whether that be family, friends, a therapist, medication — we all need help sometimes.

Surely it can always be worse, but that does not mean you are not experiencing trauma. It doesn’t mean you are not allowed to have a hard time or a bad day. I believe in keeping perspective that life can certainly be worse but I am now fully aware that if I ignore my own problems because of that, I am making my life worse.

Asking for help is actually one of the bravest most evolved things you can do as a human. To recognize that you’re in a way and need support to get through it is next level self awareness. It’s also next level problem solving that will help you to thrive in all avenues of your life. In work, relationships, family, everything.

I am learning to say that life is hard, I need some help. And what I’m finding is people are grateful that I’m finally doing so. They’re feeling loved and valued as people I rely on and they’re happy to see I’m not keeping everything in all the time. It’s incredibly scary, I am not always successful at it, and sometimes I keep everything in only to let it all out at the absolute worst time possible. But I am learning. And I am growing.

Life is hard. Privilege doesn’t mean you don’t have hardships. It doesn’t mean you can’t struggle. Life is hard for everyone. The only way to make it easier is to recognize it, ask for help, and build the strength it takes to do that. You got this!

Disappointing

I’ve written about this before. More than once. It’s a recurring theme for America and I can’t stop thinking about how disappointed I am in our country because of it.

I simply don’t know how to teach you to care about other people.

Our country is in the middle of a pandemic that we should easily have been able to control and move on from months ago. But because our “President” doesn’t care about anyone but himself, we are experiencing mass illness, death, poverty, and a million other things simply because he doesn’t care.

Wearing a mask in this pandemic has become a political issue because people are too selfish and ignorant to care. Instead of doing the right thing, Americans are protesting and refusing to wear a lifesaving piece of cloth.

We are thankfully in the middle of a revolution but because a whole lot of people have spent hundreds of years not caring. Racism is real. That’s not a debate. Black lives matter. Not a debate. Black people are fighting for their literal lives because other people don’t care.

I am so sick of this country. I’m so sick of it that I’m very seriously researching moving abroad when the pandemic ends. And I fucking love this country. I have always been so proud to say that I am American. America has afforded me so many things that I probably wouldn’t have anywhere else in the world. Yet today, I can’t celebrate America. I whisper when I tell people I’m from here. I don’t feel proud of this nation. I’m embarrassed.

Awesome, I get it, there are a whole lot of good things and good people in America. But I’m so sick of the “well there’s still good people left” argument. It’s tired and it’s barely hanging on by a thread.

The America I’m living in right now is selfish, ignorant, and childish. The America I’m watching everyday is filled with this all consuming idea that we are the single center of the universe.

I think a new President will help. It will not solve all our problems. Our government isn’t working for anyone. It’s not creating an American dream. It’s creating a divide, gate and discarding its own to save a dollar.

I don’t know what it’s going to take for people to care again. I don’t know what the breaking point is and I don’t know if I have the patience to wait for that. I don’t know anything.

I wish there was a lesson here or some profound realization but I don’t have one. I’m just as lost as the rest of you. I know one day things will evolve and grow and change because I see the future leaders stepping up and guiding us. I’m just not sure I’m willing to wait for that time to come.

America I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed. You know what? I am mad. I’m disappointed and I’m mad and I’m sad. Profoundly sad.

Please try to lead with empathy. Please try to understand that we have to care for others or we all fail. Just consider that life isnt about you all the time. It’s entirely possible for all of us to win.

Oh we got time!

Right now, we have nothing but time. And while I would like to say that I’m one of those DIY queens that’s also on her Peloton for 3 hours a day followed by baking 63 pies all while getting her Masters — I’m more the finishing books, going on walks and taking naps type.

That leaves a lot of time for anxious thoughts. Like a lot of time. And anyone with anxiety will tell you that time is our biggest enemy. We don’t like quiet moments to think.

Here in quarantine, I’ve got a lot of damn time. Which means all of the insecurities and fears I have worked hard to overcome are creeping back up. On top of that, because I have all this time, I’ve discovered new insecurities I never knew existed.

I know I’m not the only one.

As difficult as it is, as stressful as life is, you’ve got to be diligent in how you take care of yourself. 2020 is sort of a test. It’s the world finally saying ok, all those tools you’ve been learning to put in your toolbox, it’s time to break those out.

For my fellow anxiety sufferers, this is your time to get to work. It’s not going to be easy, it’s not going to end anytime soon but it’s critical to surviving and thriving in a pandemic.

Here are my favorite strategies when it comes to being a super anxious person in the time of the Rona!

Acceptance

The only way to start the process of surviving and thriving is to accept the situation. Wrap your mind around where we are at and that we aren’t going back to normal anytime soon, if ever. Understand this will be a challenging time and that’s not something you can wish away. You’re in this, and yes, your anxiety is going to take a toll. Set that baseline expectation.

Make a Plan

Until you have your anxiety under control you need to create a detailed plan. Make a schedule. Stick to it. Create healthy habits. Wake up at the same time everyday. Make healthy meal choices. Include fitness into your routine daily. Get good rest. Pickup a passion project. Read books. Plan your days and stick to them so that you find patterns of positive behavior.

Log Off

Technology is critical to keeping the world moving. We need it for work, social media, and especially now, we use it daily. It’s equally important to log off. That goes for work too. Set boundaries. Get away from social media, cell phones, and sitting in front of the computer

Check In

Check in with yourself early and often. If something isn’t working, adjust. Take a pulse check everyday, throughout the day and figure out what is working well and where you might need to regroup. Don’t get complacent. Mix it up. Keep pushing the boundaries of comfort but be mindful to keep your calm at the center.

Rinse and repeat. There’s no one size fits all to get through this thing. All I know is we are all fighting different battles and little kindness and compassion for everyone (including ourselves) is the only way to survive. And while everything might seem a little doom and gloom right now, choose your battles. Life isn’t canceled. Joy isn’t canceled. New adventures aren’t canceled. It’s up to you what kind of year 2020 will end up to be. Choose wisely.

More than a Social Media Moment

I’m really happy to see more and more people speaking up and saying that Black Lives Matter. I love seeing protests and donations and discussions that have started to takeover because of it. My only concern is that I hope people understand this is more than a social media moment. It is a movement.

So I’d like to share how I, as a white woman am working to make sure everyday I’m contributing to the solution. And before you say “I’ve always been an ally” or “I’ve always been aware” I encourage you to remember that this is a work in progress, you’re never done.

I’ve always thought of myself as someone who is not racist but the thing is, I’ve absolutely said things before, been uneducated, and can always improve. What’s the harm in knowing you can always be a better ally?

Listen

First and foremost, I'm listening to black voices. I’m opening my mind to just sit and listen to stories and experiences of black men and women and taking them for what they are - experiences I have never and will never have. I’m spending time listening without responding so that I take the time to really understand what these stories and experiences mean.

Reflecting

A lot of my time right now is spent reflecting on how/if/when I have been part of the problem. And if I have been, how could I have acted differently? I’m also looking at how the stories I’m hearing are shaping my viewpoint. How would I feel if I was this person? I’m trying to digest everything I’m taking in by simply reflecting on all of it. Taking the time not to speak, but to really digest what it all means and how I’ve been an ally and how I have been a problem.

Talking

I’m first and foremost talking to my white friends. We are having open dialogue on our part in this movement and where we can be better. We are talking about the stories we hear, the research we’ve done, and we are sharing the best places to learn more. We are having safe space discussions and checking in with each other before we speak and act.

Learning

I am constantly learning. Whether that be through reading, watching shows and movies and docs, listening to podcasts - I’m learning. I’m checking out articles, I’m on Twitter looking at what folks are saying. As much as possible I’m trying to retrain my brain. Education in America is based on a white experience. What we learn i school IS the white experience. I have a lot of that to unravel. It starts with seeking out the history that we should have learned and understanding how our country was shaped to oppress black people. It’s learning so that I understand the experience I didn’t have.

Sharing

I haven’t stopped sharing. On the socials, in person, at work - I am constantly sharing knowledge and encouraging discussion. It is my responsibility to do my part and keep the movement going. I’m not going to let it fizzle.

I hope that you’ll join me in continuing to work for change. I have noticed a lot of folks are already letting their feeds go back to normal, and its disheartening. It’s especially disappointing to see among people that call themselves advocates for change. Your entire social media experience doesn’t need to be BLM, but don’t completely erase those posts. Continue to push people to get uncomfortable. Call them out when they show they’re just here for a like on Instagram. Do your part. It’s not easy, but imagine being someone who actually lives this experience everyday. I want a better world. And I understand in order to have that, I’ve got to put in the work.