Silver Linings Playbook

I’ve got a hot take that I want to first recognize is even possible because I have privilege.

Ready?

2020 is not that bad.

Let me explain.

Because I am privileged and have a job, a safe home and access to all my basic needs; I have focused on how grateful I am. And it’s changed my perspective on 2020.

Yes, I have had to cancel trips. Work has been extremely stressful. My anxiety has been a daily struggle. Depression has come back for the first time since I was a teenager. I don’t get to see a lot of family and friends. Concerts, sports - all canceled.

But I also have everything I need to survive and even thrive.

I am building relationships with people who I might not have if 2020 was a normal year. I am seeing more National Parks. I have time to workout more. I’m reading an average of two books a week. I am learning about boundaries and how to prioritize myself. I get to spend time with family. I’m more involved in political and social awareness and I’m putting in the work to make a difference. I’m realizing that work doesn’t define me.

All in all, I’m finding that I have more time to do a lot of the “I’ll get to it” things that I never actually had the time to do before.

Again, I cannot emphasize this enough, I am lucky. I am privileged. There are people who have none of this.

That’s a big reason why I am choosing to be grateful. Its why I want to focus on the good of 2020. Because it could be so much worse. And I know how easily I could lose it all.

I suggest that if you are as lucky as I am, you spend time talking about how lucky you are. You focus on the good around you and how you can potentially effect good around you. Certainly I’m not trying to downplay hardships we all have. My life is far from perfect in 2020 but it is good enough.

I get that we all love the memes and the 2020 jokes. They’re pretty damn funny. I just find that focusing on the silver linings and the things I’m grateful for is where my energy is best served.

2020 is not my favorite year, but it is a year I won’t give up on. I won’t chalk it up to a loss and I won’t call it the worst. I will call it the year that I learned to be more kind. More patient. More grateful. More aware of the life I have both been given and built.

I have always been attracted to shiny things, silver linings will always be one of those things.

Political

A lot of folks lately have commented that I am more political in 2020. And I gotta say, that’s a bit ignorant and misguided.

I am passionate about social justice, human rights, and the environment. And the only tie that has into politics is the voting to ensure equality and protections.

I don’t actually support our current political system. I find it outdated, messy, and extremely incompetent. I don’t believe in Democrat or Republican or the party system.

What I do care about is other people and a world bigger than myself. That’s not political.

I generally shrug off these folks as unaware because it’s quite frankly exhausting to explain to people who mostly don’t get it. When it comes to our political system, I actually have a lot to learn. Some of which I’m doing purely to ensure that I know how to help change the system Im learning about.

But Id like to address it here. I’m not political. I’m just not an asshole.

The things happening in our world are not a matter of simple political beliefs. We passed that a very long time ago. This is about so much more and that is what I care about. The right to equality. To make choices about my body. To provide basic healthcare to everyone. To make sure Mother Earth is here in 20 years.

I am educated because I do the research and because I care enough to put effort and energy into ensuring others have a life that affords them the things I’m afforded.

I am more than willing to help friends and teach them how to learn and get involved, but in this climate, people need to stop making excuses and start being better citizens of the world.

It’s not politics. It’s people.

Put in the work. Do the research. Ignorance is inexcusable. “Not being political” is a privileged and ignorant way of saying “I don’t care about this because it doesn’t affect me.” And I don’t have time for that anymore. I don’t know how to teach you to care and I don’t have the energy to care about you anymore if you don’t care about others.

In 2020 I’m more aware because I’m putting in the work and I realized being passively active in changing the world isn’t doing anything. I had to step up and actively work to do more and be better for the future of myself and others and this planet.

I get it, that sounds dramatic. But I’ve never been one to sit by and rely on others to get the job done. I’m also deeply passionate about impacting this world and the people in it in a positive way. Even if that’s only one person.

Maybe; you thinking I’m political is actually just your way of excusing your lack of involvement in making this world a better place, in caring about someone other than yourself. Maybe it makes you comfortable to think “she just loves politics and that’s not for me.” Truth of the matter, I’m not political and you might just be an asshole.

Pivot

Another lesson from sports you say? Don’t mind if I do!

Athletes are taught to set a goal, work for it, and achieve it. When we don’t, it’s a failure. There’s no live and learn, there’s do or don’t. You win or you lose.

That’s a philosophy I’ve taken into my every day life. It’s also one of the lessons I learned from being an athlete that really doesn’t apply to every other aspect of my world.

I have about a billion goals. I’m a dreamer. There’s no one track mind anymore to the way I live and if 2020 has taught me anything it’s that I’m a capable, evolving and thriving babe.

Things I never thought I could do or would do in life are happening for me. Confidence I never thought possible is something I wake up wearing.

That whole life plan I made for myself that I chose to pivot from two years ago? It’s led me to realize that having a plan is incredible, but being able to adjust and embrace new plans can take you farther than you ever thought possible.

There are a thousand goals I set for myself that I haven’t met yet. Some of which I have crossed off my to do list entirely. And that doesn’t mean I’ve failed. It means I’ve matured enough to know that my dreams and goals are allowed and encouraged to evolve as I do.

So no, I haven’t written that book yet. And I didn’t go to law school. I don’t own my own home. I am not living abroad.

You know what I am doing though? I’m working at a company I love. I’m finding a new passion for being much more active in social justice and the environment. I’m consistently writing my blog. I keep myself and my dog alive and healthy everyday.

I am living.

And as a newly mid thirties woman — I feel this makes me qualified to say — I hope you give yourself space to live. Because living is how you become successful. It’s how you discover your passions and achieve the goals that make you feel your best.

And really living that means taking a pivot once in awhile to keep up.

Birthday Babe

Annual Birthday Blog! Another year older, wiser, and sparklier! Obviously.

This year is a milestone, and not one of those milestones where you smile at 30 like “ugh I’m SO old, hehe!” I’m 35 now, and on paper that’s a significant number. I get it, that’s still young, but I’m perpetually in that “I feel 25” phase of life so when I look at something that tells me I’m 35, I want to scream “LIAR!”

I already did the whole “the party isn’t over” post. And we covered my thoughts on needles and procedures. I even updated you on my thoughts on romance. So surely what’s left?

In 2020,I want to just celebrate.

I want to celebrate who I am at 35.

Happy Birthday to the woman who feels more herself than she ever has before. Who qualifies her beliefs less. Apologizes for her loud opinionated ways all but never. The woman who has accepted that her life is a bit dramatic and has chosen not to take that as something I’ve created but the extra sparkly life I was given. To the woman who gets self conscious about her body at times, and yet is still the most naked friend we have. Who has committed the time, energy and openness to therapy. Who risks a little vulnerability for love but who has found it in her to walk away rather than stay for attention.

I choose to celebrate who I am today. Because 2020 has been a consistent refreshing of twitter only to find something else awful has showed up to ruin our days.

I choose to celebrate being 35 on paper and 25 at heart. Because while I pay all my bills and I eat my vegetables, sometimes I drink too much and only eat chocolate for dinner.

I choose to celebrate period. Because aging is truly a privilege, and I’ve certainly made the most of the years I’ve got. I cannot wait to continue to celebrate every day. Birthday or not.

Cheers sequins!

Validation

The only validation I ever thought I needed in life was parking. Athletes are trained to work hard and stay humble. Validation is braggadocios and everything is earned as a team.

I struggle with compliments and credit. Traditionally if you tell me I did something great, I’m going to point to 3 other people who helped to make it happen. Awards are great when they’re based on tangible achievements like 1st place, but I’m still going to thank my coaches, trainers, and teammates for getting me there.

This has been my norm. Forever. And while I think that is lovely and serves a very important purpose, I’ve realized that there are times I should have said thank you, I did achieve this thing and I did it because I worked hard. Yes, this was my idea and it was a good one.

I also never realized how much I needed to hear validation.

Recently, I have had a few friends come forward to thank me for things that I have spent years accepting about myself. Things others like to belittle and criticize me for.

And I didn’t realize how incredible that felt. To be seen, heard, and just appreciated for things that I deeply value as part of who I am.

People that are comfortable in their own skin, who are loud, opinionated, and come off as confident and secure are the people others forget to validate.

Sure, I have often been complimented on things like my athletic ability and my physical appearance but rarely do I hear praise for who I am. In fact, more often than not, because I am perceived as strong, people feel more comfortable criticizing me than they do complimenting me.

I’m well aware that has to do with their own insecurities. If I wasn't strong,I wouldn’t be able to go through life the way I have. To achieve the things that I have and will continue to achieve. Yet does being strong mean you aren’t deserving of validation? It doesn’t.

Quite frankly, I’ve had a little pep in my sparkly step since these wonderful humans took the time out of nowhere to tell me these wonderful things. It felt really good to know people I love have such praise for me. It made me realize, I need to continue to work to be open about the things I’ve been more open about lately. I think making myself more vulnerable has allowed others to see I am just as human as the next babe.

I may be strong. I may use humor to make light of everything. But I am still just figuring life out like everyone else. That means I’m not only in need of validation, I’m now expecting it once in awhile.

I hope that if you are like me, you too learn that there is nothing wrong with being the friend who will always be OK; but that doesn’t mean your people don’t have to tell you that you matter. That your particular quirks and attributes are to be celebrated and they love you for them.

Next time you get that coveted parking validation, don’t forget to get your self validation stamped too babe!

Gratitude

Over the last 6 months I made a decision to focus on gratitude. Every day I have written down (and posted on social media) three things I am grateful for. And it’s changed who I am.

I had always heard that focusing on being grateful can change your life. That taking time time to actually think about and write down what you’re grateful for can shift your mindset. I never believed it could do that much. I was wrong.

In general I am a positive and grateful human being. I am acutely aware of the privileges I have been born into, given, and worked for. I enjoy being happy. I truly am able to find the good on every situation.

Yet writing down the things I am grateful for each day has really allowed me to focus more on those things.

When I first started to write down my daily gratitude, I struggled. I had always thought these things had to be profound to count. That’s wrong. You can be grateful for the little things too. In fact, I encourage you to be.

When I realized I was 6 months into this thing, I started to really look at the impact it’s had on my life. I am more committed to the things that matter. I am less willing to disturb my peace for trivial things. I’m significantly more grateful for 2020 and the lessons it’s teaching me. I refuse to call it a terrible year. I’m giving focus to my passions and values. Overall, I feel better able to handle what life throws at me.

Gratitude can’t solve everything. I realize I am lucky to have a job, my health, family, friends — even good food on the table. And I am eternally grateful this year looks like that for me. It does not for everyone.

All the same, committing time to gratitude has given me a gift. It’s given me perspective and it’s given me time to see the positives in my life.

The world is insane right now. And gratitude won’t solve everything, but it can change your perspective. It can offer you some sense of normalcy. And it can show you that as bad as things can be, there are silver linings.

Dangers of Social Media

Social media has been a game changer in the world. It’s allowed people to reconnect, found organ donors, and is a great way to keep up with people we don’t talk to everyday.

Social media is also a dangerous place.

Social media is run by tech giants. And technology while magical is also a place where privacy is lost, data is stolen, and information lives forever.

I am so thankful we didn’t really have social media when I was growing up. We had AOL and MySpace was just beginning but smart phones weren’t huge and we weren’t constantly connected in the way in which kids and teens are now.

I watched Social Dilemma the other day on Netflix and being that I work in tech, I wasn’t super surprised to hear about all the ethical dilemmas and concerns around social media use. It was however extremely helpful to remind me just how addicted I can be to my own device. It also reminded me how this next generation is using social media in a way that can cause extreme self harm.

We didn’t have filters when I was a teenager or even into college. We posted pictures as is. Nowadays, between influencers and celebrities - I don’t remember the last time I’ve seen an unfiltered, non surgically enhanced photo of really anyone. Kids are growing up comparing themselves to the lives they see on social media. And often times, they’re unaware that social media is purely a carefully crafted highlight reel. This causes self doubt, self hate, and a constant anxiety over Keeping up with the Kardashians. It’s not real, it’s not attainable for most, and it’s not important. And yet it’s all these kids know.

On top of the self image issues, most young people don’t pay attention to or understands the security concerns and loss of privacy associated with social media. Between companies selling your data to sending nudes on snapchat, there’s no taking back something you put into the social media universe. Sharing location can create unsafe situations for these kids as well.

One of the most dangerous and relevant to today issues on social media platforms such as Facebook is of course misinformation. We saw it cause Trump to steal the 2016 election and it’s happening again. Bots and extreme groups are spreading misinformation that shifts the way in which Americans vote. People assume what they see on the internet is true. And if they see a source, they assume that information is factual. People are simply not taking the time to research and understand what is reliable and what is not true. Social media is unfortunately a big player in that game and should be held accountable.

Social media is incredible. I am guilty of using it too often myself. But realistically, we need to start asking questions and holding these platforms accountable for ethics in this space. Social media is dangerous. It shouldn’t be treated as a free space to do whatever just because people have the ability to hide behind a desk or screen.

I’m in the tech world, I love technology and it pays my bills. But I’m also a human being with really high ethics. And I want this industry to be more regulated before it becomes completely out of control. Our country and our lives depend on that regulation so that we avoid another 2020.

Body Confidence

This one isn’t what you think. I’m not talking about physical body confidence. I’m talking about the confidence a woman specifically has to do what is best for her body. To make choices about what she does to it, how she cares for it, who she allows near it — body as an object women are often taught to use or not use how society tells us.

Women spend a lot of time being told about our bodies. How they should look. Who we should let touch them. What it costs to take care of them. What is shameful about them. The list goes on. And that’s a list we are introduced to from a very young age.

More and more - through social media, through the current political and social climate — women are being shown how we should operate our bodies.

We need to be thin but thick. Sexual but not slutty. Hide your tampons when you go to the restroom. Shave your body hair but have super thick hair on your head.

Really old, really ignorant white men get to sit around and talk about our healthcare rights and the choices we get to make about our own bodies.

Unfortunately a lot of the mentality behind this has everything to do with how we are brought up and what we are exposed to.

We need to start early and often when it comes to educating women on their bodies and making choices for themselves based on what is healthy and makes them happy.

Women are fully capable and should have full decision making abilities when it comes to our own bodies. Full stop. That is a nonnegotiable. If you disagree with that, I disagree with who you are.

I don’t have many memories where I have been told that I should or shouldn’t do anything with my body. As a kid my dad even spoke about periods in a very normalized way. So I grew up thinking (and still do) that having a period is a normal life milestone and anyone who couldn’t act that way is just not a mature human being.

I was never told to wait until marriage to have sex. In fact I remember being told that if I ever became pregnant my parents wanted me to feel safe in coming to them so I could make whatever decision worked for me and I’d have a support system.

I have no memories of being told to dress any certain way. Even when I developed my junior year of high school, if I wore something that revealed a little skin, that wasn’t shameful.

Throughout my life I have been more confident in my choices about my body because I have never been taught not to. I have never been told to do anything because I was taught that I am fully capable of learning the facts and doing what I feel is healthiest and happiest for me.

We need to be teaching little girls this from the start. That nobody is better suited to make choices about your body like you are. You have the tools to make the decisions that will be the best for you.

We also need to be teaching little boys this. We need to teach them that women are fully capable and the foremost experts on decisions regarding their own bodies. That no man should shame, judge or pressure a woman when it comes to her body. That he should sit back and respect that it is her body, her choice.

And before you ask, yes, even when it comes to abortion. If you are not ok with an abortion as a man, do not have sex unless it is with a woman who shares your same views. That is the choice you make. You do not get a choice after the fact. Her body, her choice.

It is well past time we subscribed to this idea that anyone has any right to tell a woman what to do with her body. And it starts with educating everyone at the start to believe this and practice this.

Women are not commodities, our bodies do not belong to the government. They are ours. And we have the right to make any decisions about them.

Teach little girls to have confidence in the choices they make about their bodies. Teach little boys to respect and uplift this message.

Is the party over?

For like my whole life I thought your 20’s were the best years you had. I thought 18-30 were your prime years to live life at 110 mph, hanging on for dear life and just living. Minimal responsibility, hot bodies, cheap drinks, no expectations of really having your shit together.

At 34 I often wonder, is the party over?

Now given we are in a pandemic, wildfires blazing, politics just out of fucking control, this could be just a 2020 panic attack. Earths mid life crisis perhaps?

For me, my 20’s were a constant rager. I think I spent 98% of my 20’s drunk, in sequins and making questionable choices. I can think of more than one occasion where I was a fucking nightmare. The too drunk friend, the friend who you’re worried is lost in a ditch, the friend who is perhaps too good of a party girl. Don’t get me wrong, I was many times the responsible friend, the one who you know has your back and if I do say so myself — the funniest teammate we got. But at times, I was just the biggest mess. Surely some stems from insecurity, some stems from wanting to prove to myself that my traumas don’t define me, and other stems from really liking to party hard!

And yet, I’ve spent far too many hours lately thinking about why I miss my 20’s so much.

Here’s why I think that is (YAS - she loves her a list!)

1. Your 20’s are low pressure

   When you’re 22, people have really low expectations for you. When you party too hard it’s an LOL, see you next weekend. You do that at 34 and you’re a train-wreck (I've been her too, my bad!). But it’s nice to make mistakes without people judging you as hard. So what if you threw up in the Taco Bell drive thru bag while still driving like a boss, you’re 22, so cute for you! Don’t have your dream job yet? It’s ok sweetie, you’re 24, can you even do math yet?

2. There’s no aging in your 20’s

   I hate me too but for all of my 20’s I basically looked 25 max. I often still get mistaken for late 20’s. Good skin, good genes, honestly I don’t deserve it. I wrecked my body in her 20’s and she still never aged. I miss late nights, not having a skincare routine, eating too much and still looking like a godt damn bombshell. Now I have bread and I can’t wear jeans for a week. Don’t do all 60832 steps of my skincare routine? My entire face is red, broken out and growing thorns. Give me 24 year old Ashley’s skin and body again please. She didn’t appreciate her then.

3. Love is for the future

   I have commitment fears. A lot of people have let me down in life and the only consistent has been that I always got me. I loved being in my 20’s because nobody expected me to settle in and get married. There was no “she’s single, what’s wrong with her?” “she’s got a whole roster of men she’s stringing along, she’s so cute what a babe” Now at 34 people are like - is she a lesbian? I’ve always always had a nice little group of men on a roster. From serious relationships to men on the bench, I’d never experienced life without having male attention until I turned 30. Whatever I know, what a hard life bitch. Thing is, women in our 30’s who are single, everyone assumes you’e unhappy. And they also like to tell you how great a mom you would be. Thanks Karen, I’d probably be a good prostitute too but you don’t have to do everything you’re good at do you?

4. Your 20’s are a joke

   Your 20’s are truly just here for a good time. There are responsibilities of course and as you get up into your late 20’s you should probably gather your shit and be responsible but for the most part you are expected to have a good time. Like you get out there, you have fun, you make weird questionable choices. When you get to your 30’s everything is all bills, my back hurts and is my 401k ok?

All that said - I sort of came to the conclusion that for the most part I just miss irresponsible fun. Other than that in my 20’s I was insecure, poor, and in general kept people at arms distance. I had the best time ever, but when I dissect some of the things I miss, I realize my 20’s were dope but my 30’s are for thriving. Here’s why:

1. Stability

   Did you guys know it’s possible not to live paycheck to paycheck? What a wild ass concept. I worked in nonprofit or sports and my salaries were questionable at best. Someone should have called someone about that. In my 30’s, I do really well. I don’t worry about my bills, buying groceries and I can afford to jet abroad for two weeks if I feel like it. I also know what I want to do in my career and I have the resume to actually go out and get it. Things are stable. They’re attainable and they’re secure and that not wanting to fill my prescriptions because I couldn’t afford it, going without meals because I needed to save - that isn’t a thing anymore.

2. I like me

   I really like me. Genuinely. I think my shit smells like rainbows unicorns and those expensive sugary drinks they serve you at all inclusive resorts. Some days I think I’m fat and look old, but most days I look in the mirror and I think, what a damn queen! I did not feel that way in my 20’s, ever. And not many people realize that. But at 34, when shit is not going to be looking up or getting better, and my aversion to plastic surgery and injections is still thriving - I’m still into what I’ve got and where I’m going. I’m proud of where I’m at in my career, I am confident in what I bring to the table as a friend and partner, and I know I can handle anything. I’m pretty dope.

3. Relationships are better

   I am learning to process my traumas and trust in the people around me. That includes opening up about who I am and what I’ve gone through in life and asking for the respect I deserve. It means letting down my guard of being the fun/funny party girl and showing that I have feelings, thoughts and ideas that matter and might not always be shiny and easy to talk about. The relationships I have romantically and with friends are more developed and authentic and I don’t feel the strain of keeping people in my life that I don’t enjoy spending time with. I value my energy, I know that it is a privilege to know me and I and demanding the same from my circle. I truly feel connected, valued and supported by the people I allow into my life. I don’t feel like I have to be everything to everyone anymore. And while this is a constant battle for me, one that I often lose, I have come so far, and I know that I will only continue to be better in this space — for others and for myself.

I really like my 30’s. I assume I’ll panic at 35 because society has taught me that’s what you do, but I know that I’ll quickly go back to feeling excited, grateful and happy for this stage in my life. I’m not quite ready to say 40 is an area I’m openly embracing because I’m not an animal, but I am ready to say bring it 35, I’m ready to thrive.

Maybe I have a little bit of Peter Pan syndrome and will always miss being 20 and a wild child. It’s a comfortable place for me to hide when I’m working on growing into a real live adult. I think that shows up when I do revert back and make some questionable choices, have too much wine and dance on tables. And quite honestly, I think those nights are ok once in a long while. For the most part though, life is good in my 30’s. I think the party looks different but it’s far from over. The party still has drinks, sequins and laughter (and I’m probably being too loud) but now I’m in better labels and drinking better wines. And that doesn’t sound too bad. Cheers!

The Evolution of an Activist

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about activism. It’s no secret that if you’ve known me for a long time, I’ve greatly evolved into someone who is spending a lot of time on educating myself and being more active in social justice.

I would say that I’ve always considered myself relatively aware but certainly not openly outspoken on things like Black Lives Matter, sexual assault, immigration - the list goes on.

And therein lies the problem.

I have been passively active instead of fiercely an advocate for others.

Obviously growing up I experienced life in a sheltered and less diverse space. A lot of the problems of the people in society that deal with everyday racism, sexism, and hate never really affected me. Or so I thought.

In reality, it’s been everywhere around me, I just existed in a place of privilege and lack of information to really acknowledge the problem. I was part of the problem.

Realizing that I have actively been part of the problem by passively being part of the solution has been an awakening for me.

I think over the years as I decided to embrace myself, confront my traumas, and trust who I am rather than who people always told me I am; I started to feel a deep need to stop hiding in my privilege.

That has led to some people speaking to me about how much “I’ve changed.” How I’m “angry" and “not accepting of other beliefs.”

I would argue that each and every one of those accusations is true. And I’m so proud that they are.

I have changed. It was about time. I am a citizen of the world and just because I’ve been dealt a better hand than some others does not mean I shouldn't use that hand to extend to another.

I am angry. I’m really angry that in 2020 we are so behind in basic humanity. I am so angry children are in cages, Black men and women are being killed by the police and that women are being raped and the attackers are called “one of the good guys.”

I am not only unwilling to accept anyone who disagrees with these things, I am openly going to call you out on these horrific practices and how you are contributing to the problem.

And I make no apologies for the new me.

You don’t owe anyone an explanation for how you choose to grow, evolve and become a better person. You don’t have to explain why, you don’t have to prove metrics, you don’t have to do anything but evolve. Because anyone who chooses not to evolve is not someone who is on a path to better themselves.

It’s taken awhile for me to understand who I want to be and what I want to be to the people around me and to this world. That’s included pissing off, confusing, and losing some friends and family. And it’s sad, of course it is. To say I’ve never stopped to say “am I on the right path” to myself would be a lie. But every single time the answer is yes.

I am on the right path. I am working to change the world, even if it’s just one tiny piece of that world for even one person.

I’m evolving. I will always be evolving. I’m learning and I’m sitting in uncomfortable situations, I’m having the hard conversations and I’m confronting the things that I am doing wrong while unlearning how I got to that place.

The person I am now is someone I deeply deeply love and feel pride in. I light up when I talk about things like equality, how to help survivors of sexual assault, anti-racism, fixing our broken political system, women’s rights to our bodies — these are the things that I talk faster about, raise my voice and shake my fists and make my heart beat fast. I do believe we can make changes in my lifetime. Even little ones.

The person I am now is also not for everyone. If she’s not for you, grab onto some sparkle fumes on your way to the back because I plan to keep marching on; with or without your support.