Happy Birthday to ME!

I am 34 today! Which seems wildly old and wildly young all at the same time!

I love a good celebration of birth. Since I was a wee sequin, I really got on board with celebrating birthdays to the max. I just love a good day of sparkles and happiness and focusing on me!

It’s also such a fun way to reflect on the year before, the year ahead, and all that entails.

This year was completely unexpected. I left Texas to move back to Northern California to work in an entirely new industry, entirely new role, and to a job I didn’t even apply to. I was actively looking for a new role, but to be recruited by one of the biggest brands in the world was both terrifying and flattering all at once.

I sincerely had no idea what this year would bring and no expectations on this life change.

It’s been all the things. A blessing, a challenge — and all of the in between too. I don’t know if staying in the Bay Area is really the best fit for me long term, but for the first time, I do feel like I’m with a company I want to stay with long term.

Personally, I’ve worked harder than ever before to commit to therapy, actively put myself before work, and get out of my comfort zone with travel/friendships/relationships.

I actually struggled a lot with feeling “old” and having to fit into societal norms of what that means, something I never really thought I’d struggle with. But 34 seems like a weirdly better age than 33? I don’t know why and I realize that makes no sense, but neither do I.

34 feels like it’s going to be a freaking cool year because of all the possibilities in life. I’m traveling more, I’m going after the next step in my career at Google Cloud, and I’m saying yes more to the things I need to be healthy and happy.

Age is just a number, but I’m an athlete. And to us, numbers are everything. They’re the wins, the loses, the identity - the truly define our world. I’ll never grow out of identifying numbers with positives and negatives.

So for 34, I’m giving a cheers to me, myself, I and all the adventures to come! How lucky am I to be in a place that all my dreams are not only possible, they’re something I can see in front of me?

And for those of you who know that every year on my birthday I check something off my bucket list, I’m spending the day in a true spa day! I’ve never been able to manage the financials nor the time of a spa day but this year, I am making that happen!

Me Myself and I - Are over YOU

I pride myself on putting everyone before myself. I wore that shit like a badge of honor for a good 32 years. And it was exhausting.

It’s impossible to sustain a life of service to others if you are not also taking care of yourself.

And that’s what has happened to me. I’m doing A LOT at my job. Taking on probably more than I should. I have been living the most in life. Doing a lot more than I probably should. I’ve run myself to empty.

Because of that, I have started to draw away from others and exist within my own circle.

Which is really hard for me. I feel guilty for not returning calls and texts.

I just do not have the capacity to care though.

Sure, that sounds selfish - but I deserve that. I am always there for my people. Always. I am a good friend, partner and family member.

What I learned though is that I was letting myself run ragged to take care of everyone else. That took me to a really dark place. I was often emotionally and physically sick and because I don’t ask for help, I had no place to go.

At 33, I’ve realized I cannot sustain a healthy happy lifestyle if I am putting everyone else first. So I’m over everyone right now.

Harsh? Maybe.

Realistic and necessary? Absolutely.

I should be selfish. I’m a dope human being. I deserve to love and feel my own sparkle vibes.

I’m not going to feel selfish or guilty for taking the time I need to get myself to a good place. OK, I’m going to try not to feel these things. Try really hard.

It’s entirely possible, and actually entirely critical to be selfish. You have to fill up your own cup before you can possibly help anyone else. The people who know and love you, they’re going to be there for that time in your life. Over and over. And if they’re your tried and true tribe, they’ll even be standing by your side checking in on you and encouraging you to do what you need to do.

Me, myself, and I - we are over you because we need to be into us.

The Year of Maybe

In a earlier post I spoke about my recent commitment to the year of maybe.  It’s my own take on the whole Year of Yes concept that became so popular a few years back. I’m by nature a planner. Someone who needs security. And yet I’m also adventurous. In complete contrast again, I’m also a 33 year old who is saving and planning for my future. All of those things put together make me less likely to commit to saying yes more and more likely to go with a strong maybe.

What does that even mean? It means when I’d normally say no, I pause to consider longer if that no can become a yes. I hold onto the possibility of doing the thing rather than immediately dismissing the idea of it.

In practice it looks a little like this:

As much as I am an outgoing human, I very easily slip into the life of a hermit if I’m not actively working to bolster my social life. When I get into the pattern of staying home, it quickly becomes a lifestyle. I say no to social engagements and convince myself I’m exhausted and practicing self care when in reality it could be weeks at a time of staying home on the weekends before I realize that. I have made myself practice awareness to avoid that antisocial behavior. Instead of immediately making plans to stay in on weeknights or weekends, I consider the activity more openly. Maybe happy hour or a late night concert isn’t something I’d like to engage in, but a workout class or sorting event is.

A year of yes for me sounds entirely exhausting and unmanageable. I have a job that requires a lot of time and energy, I like making time for fitness, and self care me time is super important to my ability to function. I also don’t want to commit to a year of yes if its financially irresponsible. Again, I’ll go to Europe with you, but I’m not wasting thousands of dollars on a last minute flight. I want to plan for the best possible experience that maximizes smart money choices. It’s a maybe because I need to consider what makes sense from all angles.

For some people, a year of yes really works. It shocks the system to make a huge life change and has proven to be successful for a lot of people. I understand why it works and the appeal to committing to such a huge lifestyle change. I also fully accept that it would never work for me.

So who is the year of maybe for? It’s for the people who want to live a little, but are also not in a place to completely uproot their lives. Or maybe they are but just don’t want to. I’m genuinely happy with my life. I enjoy my job, my social circle - I have a lot more good days than bad. But I also know I’m young and in a place to do more, see more, be more. So saying maybe to the crazy things that come up allows me to pause and incorporate new experiences into my world with low risk.

The goal for me in saying maybe and consequentially yes instead of an immediate no is to get out of my comfort zone and find a better balance in my life. I tend to dive head first into work and push aside everything else in my world. I justify it in a million different ways from starting a new role to wanting to get promoted to honestly any and every excuse you can think of. And it’s all just that, excuses. It’s entirely possible and in fact very realistic to have a thriving career as well as a thriving personal life.

However, I think this year of maybe also applies at work. For most of us, we get very focused on our role within a company and we don’t explore other skill sets. I’m attempting to say I might have time for that other project so that I develop talents and potentially passions for other avenues in my career. A big reason that people wake up one day and realize they hate what they do is because they’re steadfast in the way they go about their job. Tunnel vision on the current role without the possibility of expanding elsewhere. When we finally come up for air, we realize how unhappy we’ve been. Avoid that. Explore the things your current company has to offer. If your current organization doesn’t offer you that opportunity, dedicate some time offline looking into what else you’re passionate about. That way you don’t wake up at 50 miserable.

One key part of The Year of Maybe for me is finding intention in who and what I’m saying maybe to. In the year of yes you’re supposed to essentially say yes to everything. I’m 33, I have a generally strong idea of who I enjoy spending time with and what I enjoy doing. Although it seems counter to the year of maybe strategy, I’m going to say maybe not to people more than I have in the past. If I know I don’t enjoy time with someone, I’m not going to play the game of “let’s get together” then cancel plans. I’m not going to say yes to the late night Tuesday concert because I know neither of these situations will make me happy. It’s having a strong understanding of what works for you and not giving into thinking you’re “supposed” to be doing anything. I get stuck in my mind that I’m still young I should be doing x,y, and z and that’s absurd. I’m only supposed to be doing what makes me feel fulfilled. Nothing more, nothing less.

If you’re looking for a medium level life change, consider a year of maybe. Some of us aren’t looking for an entire life upheaval, we want an enhancement on something that’s already working pretty dang well. I’ve uprooted my life countless times. Switched jobs, moved across the country, cut people off - I’d like to just add a filter to what I’m working with now. It’s all working but let’s just give it an Instagram beauty filter and call it a day. That’s why the year of maybe is something that works really well for me. What works for you?

Tough as Nails

This one is for the introspective folks. The ones who are hard on themselves to the point of emotional abuse. The people who are constantly evaluating themselves. The folks who put themselves down in a way they’d never ever take from anyone else.

I’m type A. Like if there’s an A+, I’m that. I’m a born and bred athlete. An overachiever. A perfectionist. I’m all these things and more. And while I am such a cheerleader for everyone else - I am such a bully to myself.

I’ve got this thing I say to friends when they’re hard on themselves:

“HEY! Stop being mean to my friend!”

But as I’ve been in therapy, the more I’ve discovered, I am the exact opposite to myself. I’m seriously kind of an asshole to myself.

I call myself not good enough. I’m not smart enough. Funny enough. Wealthy enough. Thin enough. Muscular enough. Driven enough. Achieved enough.

And I’ve had enough.

I’m sure we’ve all heard this:

You are deserving of the love and respect you give to others.

And we are. But breaking a cycle of abuse is not easy. When you’re in your head abusing yourself, there’s nobody else in there to stand up for you. It’s literally you vs you. I think self abuse is the hardest to break. Most of the time, we don’t realize the extent to which we do it.

I’m not even the one who noticed how abusive I was to myself. My therapist started to take note of how I spoke about myself. How I qualified any positive attributes and highlighted negative ones. How qualities I portrayed as negative in fact were anything but.

It turns out, I don’t think that highly of myself.

And that’s kind of sad because I’m a pretty dope person. I’m kind, caring, loyal to an extreme degree, and you know what? The list goes on and on.

Women especially are bred to downplay our qualities. At work, at home, we are taught to be humble. To give credit to the group. To put ourselves second.

I’m a strong independent feminist and I am still the biggest victim of this lifestyle.

I want it to stop though. Because I am worthy of the intense amount of love and support I give to other people. I deserve to say I’m smart. I had a really good idea. I crushed that project. I’m a good person. I’m beautiful - both inside and out. And I deserve to say those things out loud with no qualifications.

I have bad days where I hate everything about me. And sometimes I have to fight myself to stop doing that. I have to distract myself. It’s a constant internal battle not to let internal Ashley be an asshole to the Ashley in the world who is pretty damn great.

I think at the end of the day, I’m type A+. I’m always going to struggle with this. And I’m grateful for that. Because the qualities that are bad, they also allow me to achieve all the great things I have. You don’t get to be a Division One athlete by being easy on yourself.

But it’s acknowledging when those things are healthy and when they’re unhealthy. It’s healthy to say Ashley, stop being lazy, get outside and get your workout in because you know fitness makes you happy. And it’s not ok to say Ashley you’re fat, you’re ugly. That’s not only wrong, its not helpful.

Start to identify the language that’s not helpful. Write it down. Tell yourself to stop. And keep practicing that. Ask your friends to stop you when you’re bashing yourself. It’s possible to train yourself to change. Eventually, you even start to believe the positive things you tell yourself.

Being tough as nails is awesome. Part of being tough is learning to say no to the bully that lives inside of you. There are enough people in the world who are going to tell you no. Who will criticize you and put you down. You cannot control those people. You can control yourself.

Be tough enough to love yourself more than you hate yourself.

I Bet You Think This Song Is About You

...Because it should be.

For a really long time, I never asked anyone for anything. I've always given everything I have to friends and family because loyalty is number one for me. That means when you need me, I'm there.

That also means people got used to being able to go to me for support and I'd never ask for anything in return.

I've grown to realize how unhealthy and unrealistic that is. The point of having friends and family is being able to go to them for the support you need.

So in recent years I've started asking for time and attention to help me manage my emotions. And it's been really frustrating.

People are so used to me never needing them that they aren't very good at managing the me that does. I spend a lot of time feeling overwhelmed because the conversation constantly goes back to them. They respond with a comparison to something they're going through. And the focus shifts from me back to them.

I can't really blame them for needing some time to adjust to me being someone who needs the reciprocated attention. Except I'm finally to a place where I feel like I can.

I can demand time and attention. I can make it about me. I can expect that sometimes it's all about me, and nothing about you. And I can walk away if you cannot accept that.

If you notice me pulling away from our relationship, it's not me, it's you. And the constant unawareness that everything we talk about, relates to you.

It's not selfish, it's friendship. It's partnership. It's equal care.

I invest a lot of time and energy into the people I care about. I truly feel what you feel. I probably invest too much emotion into the people around me. I take loyalty to an extreme level. If you're hurting, I'm hurting. If you're dealing with money troubles, I feel that stress too.

I'm in a place that I finally understand and acknowledge I'm a good person and a great friend to have.

Now that I understand how lucky my squad is to have me, I want to have that same care and loyalty to me. I want to know you're on my team.

Listen to what I have to say. Let me know you get what I'm telling you. You appreciate I'm trusting you with my feelings. And spend time letting me be the focus.

I highly suggest everyone take some time to think about how they engage with and support those they love. Are you a good listener? Do you make time for your people to come to you and have the conversation be entirely about them? Do you insert your feelings into the conversation? Do you constantly flip it back to something you experienced? Become aware of what kind of support system you are for the people who support you.

We all need a team to keep us going. Having a team that gets you are important is the only way to succeed in life. Make it about you when you need it. Step into the frame and be the focus. It's ok, sometimes this song is about you. And it damn well should be.

No.

I like being someone people can count on.  At work and in my personal life, I'm always the person who says yes.  Yes to more work.  Yes to helping you move.  Yes to all of it.  It's never been about people pleasing.  It's always been about caring about being someone people can turn to for whatever they may need.  It's important my people know that I'mteam player and they're never alone.  And I like to think I do a great job of being that person.  But what I began to notice is that being the yes girl for everyone else meant saying no to me.

As I've gone on this whole journey to better myself, for myself - I've begun to practice the art of saying no.  Without explanation.  without apology.  Without guilt.  It's learning to say no, period. 

Of course it goes without saying (but I'm gonna say it), I'm still here for my people.  When they truly need me, I'm there.  But it's also equally important that I'm there for me. 

Back to me.

Saying no is about making time and having energy to do things for me.  Whether I want to get my nails done, workout, or jut plain sit on my couch - it's acknowledging I need to do something that I want to do and I need to say no to someone else to do that.  It's also about scheduling time to grow and challenge myself.  This year that means working less and traveling more.  So that's what I'm doing.

Saying no is about my mental and physical health.  At work its saying no, I don't have the capacity to add that project to my plate and no I can't stay late tonight.  It's saying no I won't travel simply because I don't have kids.  It's making time each day to decompress and reset myself to a good place. 

Saying no is about taking responsibility.  Have you ever stopped to think about why you may be exhausted or feeling overwhelmed?  Because the more I think about all the things I do, the more I realize that there's a lot I could be saying no to.  You are in control of your time.  And you're in control of how you choose to spend it. 

Saying no, without explanation, is part of growing up.  It's recognizing your time is just as important as everyone else' and its recognizing what you need to maintain a healthy lifestyle.  Think of all that you do for other people and then think about what you do for yourself.  Think about how much you value everyone else.  And give yourself that same value and respect. 

 Say no.  Get rid of the guilt, and allow yourself time to do what you need to do to have your best life.  Time is limited.  Energy is limited.  Life is limited.  Don't limit the possibilities. 

Number One.

In a world focused on likes, the number of friends on your Facebook, and who you know - it's hard to remember that YOU are number one.  That your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship you will ever have. 

Growing up, I was always a bit of a beat to her own drum kind of kid.  But I also wanted to be well liked.  Instead of embracing everything that made me unique, I often conformed to whatever group I thought I should be like at any given time.  And that's an exhausting way to live life. 

I was often accused of being too much.  Too loud, too feisty, too opinionated.  It's been assumed my upbeat demeanor means I'm dumb.  I've been told I'm too intimidating.  Too picky.  The point is - I've let a lot of people tell me a lot of things about who I should be.  And that got me to a really dark unhappy place.

As hurtful as it is to hear people you care about tell you such ugly things about yourself, you have to learn to ignore it.  I was recently told - would it be nice if your people accepted you?  Yes.  But it's really freeing to not need that.  To accept yourself.  So that's what I'm doing.

I'm a wonderful person.  I'm kind, caring, fiercely loyal, passionate, and committed to standing up for myself and others.  I'm loud, sometimes I put my foot in my mouth, I've been known to raise my voice in a fit of frustration, and I've said mean things to people I love.  I'm a work in progress.  But I am a wonderful person.  And I can honestly say I love who I am. 

That's a really big step for me.  To make the decision to own up to my entire package and say - I'm doing ok.  I'm going to choose to respect the opinions of others who don't agree - but I will not let them define me.  Only I can define who I am. And who I will continue to grow and become.  And I feel so incredibly free being able to not only say that out loud, but to actively work to retrain my brain and to believe it. 

We all have our doubts.  We all let the words of others get to us.  We all have days where we question who we are.  But the key to personal growth and success is to be strong enough to minimize those days.  To come back stronger.

So let's talk about how to self love.  I'd like to leave you with some tools that I am putting into practice on my journey - I hope they help you too:

• Celebrate your strengths: Every morning, write down a quality about you that's awesome.  Today I wrote down that I'm strong.  I'm a fighter and I'll make it through anything.
• Acknowledge your areas of growth: Notice I don't say weaknesses.  Areas of growth are things like you have a temper, or you have trouble listening, etc.  Today I wrote down anxiety.  I need to get back to utilizing my tools to control my anxiety.
• Surround yourself with people who do love you for you: You need cheerleaders.  Keep those people so very close.  They're people who accept you, the good the bad the ugly.  I meet with girlfriends weekly to support each other, talk about our frustrations, and to laugh.  It's incredibly healing and uplifting for us all and I'm beyond grateful for this time.  The no judgment zone is the most freeing place to be
• Find your Zen: What makes you happy?  What relaxes you?  I love working out, I love writing, and I love reading.  When I'm not having a good mental day - I do these things to reset my mindset.  Do whatever works.  A manicure, shopping, cooking, honestly anything that distracts you and allows you to refocus your negative mindset to a healthier one.
• Be ok with not being ok: Not every day is a sparkly day.  That's ok.  You're allowed to have a bad day.  Utilize it to understand why you're there and come back stronger the next day.
• Reflect and Evaluate: Take time throughout the year to reflect on where you were and where you're at and where you're headed.  Mental health awareness is huge.  Are you stuck in a rut?  Are you depressed or frustrated?  Where are you at and if its not a good place, acknowledge it and seek out help.  If you're growing and happy and thriving, celebrate that and focus on keeping along that path.
• Pay it Forward: Be kind and encouraging to others.  not only does it help others which is incredible, it helps YOU to feel good.  All around, it helps everyone and helps with your development.  And its just good karma.

At the end of the day - if you don't love you, its hard for everyone else to.  Working on yourself and recognizing self love is not selfish it is critical to your growth and sanity.  It's ok to say I need to step away from this unhealthy situation, that you disagree when someone calls you unlikeable, to take time to find yourself.  If you're not in a good place with you, you can't possibly be putting good back out there for everyone else.  Focus on number one once in awhile, for the good of everyone.

#SparkleOn