Pumpkin Season

This blog is for my fellow basic witches. This is not a blog for learning anything. It’s to celebrate my favorite month of the year and decorating pumpkins. I absolutely love Fall and decorating pumpkins. I love the creativity and really enjoy all the unique designs there are to come up with.

This year I want to showcase some awesome designs to inspire you to have some fun! Honestly, you’re never too old to have a little holiday magic in your life.

Are you decorating pumpkins this season or carving? Tell me everything and what you;’re loving for this October!

The Body Exhibit

I have always struggled with body image. Whether I am 98lbs and 4% body fat or 150lbs and 312% body fat, I’ve always been very critical about my body. As an athlete, your body is your “money maker.” t’s your worth. It’s what gets you a win, a scholarship, it is your main source of success.

Because of that, I have always placed a lot of my value in how my body looks and feels. But I’m 33 now and I’m not an athlete. My metabolism isn’t the same and when I have an off month, it shows up on my body. I know that I naturally do have good metabolism, a whole lot of muscle memory and certainly my wonderful curves are nothing to be ashamed of - but I still get really insecure.

It does not matter what body type you are, we are all taught to want something different.

I think as I get older, I do start to care less about what others think and love myself for everything I am. I’ve been through a lot, my body specifically, and I have respect for it and all that it has provided me.

And here’s something I’ve started to tell myself - you don’t owe a body type to anyone.

I blossomed early. The Summer between junior and senior year I got boobs. Big boobs. And yet I was still about 98lbs. Obviously that didn’t go unnoticed. I had always had a butt (shout out to my Portuguese family!) so adding in more curves and still being super thin with muscles really just added to the attention I was getting. From a very early age, I associated my value with not only my appearance but my body. And that’s something that has carried with me throughout my life.

Having to unlearn all of that has been really hard.

Ultimately I think everyone has body image issues but in general it is something women deal with a lot more. I hate that as a woman who is super supportive of other women not being defined by appearance - I’ve allowed myself to be defined by it.

Tree of trust, I am a whole lot of other magical things that have nothing to do with my body. It’s really understandable however that a lot of my insecurities are wrapped up in my body and appearance. My traumas are body related and being sexualized at a young age has forced me to live in that headspace.

I don’t want to live there anymore. And I sincerely don’t want to be so hard on myself for how I look. I do not owe a body type to anyone. All I owe is a healthy and happy body to myself.

And I owe being a positive resource for myself. I deserve to love myself, love my body, and to respect it.

Look, this isn’t an easy journey. I’ve got to unpack and relearn a whole lot.

But I would like to be that for myself moving forward. Because being happy with myself has nothing to do with anyone but me.

VOTE or Die

Do y’all remember that whole ‘Vote or Die’ campaign back in the early 2000’s? Who knew just how relevant that would become? Because honestly, people are dying. The Earth is dying. You have to vote. Seriously, if you don’t vote, you don’t get the right to an opinion. Ever.

And if you’re voting for Trump - honestly, I don’t know how to help you. You’re either extremely ignorant and unaware, or you’re a bad person or you’re saying you’re OK with a bad person leading our nation. There’s no excuse to be voting for an openly hateful, sexual predator. Let’s get that out of the way now.

National voter registration day JUST happened - and I hope you are all registered to vote, but if you aren’t, please do so HERE. For information on the last day to register - go HERE.

NOW - on top of voting, you need to educate yourself on what you’re voting for.

Here are some resources for voting:

California Secretary of State

The League of Women Voters Education Fund

Ballotpedia

You can also easily access useful information on polling places, voter guides, etc. on your Secretary of State’s website.

Whatever you do, register to vote - and then do your research and VOTE. Not being informed, not being involved - it’s not okay. You owe it to yourself, your country, and your future to actively engage in the government and how it operates for you and your fellow citizens. If these past four years have taught us anything, it’s that when we allow uneducated people to lead, we all fail.

I also highly suggest volunteering and going door to door even once to contribute to your local drive to get others to register to vote and actually vote. If you can host a polling place or volunteer at one, do it. Being involved in democracy is huge. Bottom line, get involved.

AND VOTE!

Me Myself and I - Are over YOU

I pride myself on putting everyone before myself. I wore that shit like a badge of honor for a good 32 years. And it was exhausting.

It’s impossible to sustain a life of service to others if you are not also taking care of yourself.

And that’s what has happened to me. I’m doing A LOT at my job. Taking on probably more than I should. I have been living the most in life. Doing a lot more than I probably should. I’ve run myself to empty.

Because of that, I have started to draw away from others and exist within my own circle.

Which is really hard for me. I feel guilty for not returning calls and texts.

I just do not have the capacity to care though.

Sure, that sounds selfish - but I deserve that. I am always there for my people. Always. I am a good friend, partner and family member.

What I learned though is that I was letting myself run ragged to take care of everyone else. That took me to a really dark place. I was often emotionally and physically sick and because I don’t ask for help, I had no place to go.

At 33, I’ve realized I cannot sustain a healthy happy lifestyle if I am putting everyone else first. So I’m over everyone right now.

Harsh? Maybe.

Realistic and necessary? Absolutely.

I should be selfish. I’m a dope human being. I deserve to love and feel my own sparkle vibes.

I’m not going to feel selfish or guilty for taking the time I need to get myself to a good place. OK, I’m going to try not to feel these things. Try really hard.

It’s entirely possible, and actually entirely critical to be selfish. You have to fill up your own cup before you can possibly help anyone else. The people who know and love you, they’re going to be there for that time in your life. Over and over. And if they’re your tried and true tribe, they’ll even be standing by your side checking in on you and encouraging you to do what you need to do.

Me, myself, and I - we are over you because we need to be into us.

The Measure of Success

Growing up I always associated success with winning. Being the best. Having the most. I thought success was titles and money and being a champion.

I realized the other day just how much my measure of success has changed.

Money matters to me. I like having a comfortable life. I like upgraded amenities and the ability to travel whenever I want.

I like titles. I love the reward that comes with working hard and being promoted. I enjoy the respect that comes with getting to the next level.

I also don’t need those things to consider myself a success. I don’t need them in excess to show that I have made something of myself.

I think I’ve survived a lot of adversity. The fact that I’ve chosen to commit to overcoming that makes me a success.

That I’ve worked my ass off and now work at one of the world’s most recognizable companies is a success. I never gave up and I never settled.

Success to me is emotional health. It’s financial comfort. It’s mental wellness. Success is love for myself.

Success of my past was entirely related to my career. It was climbing the ladder and never stopping.

Success of my future is joy. It’s confidence. It’s love. I

I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t also driven by my career, but it is not the whole sum of what success looks like.

What does success look like for you?

Love is Patient

I lack patience. In every situation. I’m willing to put in the work, but at the first sign of foolish games, I’m out. A lot of people have accused me of being unrealistic in love. In giving up too easily. In walking away far too quickly.

And they’re wrong.

I believed them for a hot minute and so I spent time chasing men I shouldn’t have. Giving out second chances, and staying put when I should have dead sprinted away.

In 2019, I am a Lizzo mood. I’m not here for your games. I’m not patient. I’m not wasting my time. If you want to be captain waste her time, I’m going to catch the first flight out and I’m not scheduling a return.

Love is patient. Love is hard. Love takes work. When it’s the right person, a healthy relationship you need to be patient and put that work in. But lately I’m seeing the same people who tell me I’m too quick to cut ties putting up with a whole lot of bullshit.

There is a difference between working for love and making love work.

You should never have to work for love, but you can make love work. Hear me out. Working for love means you have to mold yourself for the love to work. Making love work is adapting the situation - together - for the love to fit your lifestyle. For the right person.

I’m a romantic. Shocking I know. I believe in love and that there are a lot of good men. I believe the fairy tale exists but my fairy tale isn’t castles and white horses - it’s mutual respect, laughter, and pushing ourselves to achieve our dreams. It’s having a cheerleader, best friend, and adventurer.

So when someone doesn’t fit this mold, hell yea I GTFO. Quickly. Lightening speed.

I am a genuinely happy woman. Being single doesn’t scare me. It doesn’t make me sad. I don’t feel shame for being 33 and unmarried. I’m not putting up a front with my confidence and joy. I am truly ridiculously happy.

That being said, I absolutely want to have someone to do life with. I’m very open to it. And I know with the right person, it’s such a beautiful thing.

Which is probably why with the wrong person, it’s such a horribly demoralizing all consuming thing.

I’ve dated a lot. I’ve been in multiple serious relationships. I’ve done the flings. I’ve had a one night stand or two. I’ve done all the things when it comes to love. So I know what works for me. And being alone does not scare me. But being in the wrong relationship does.

Marriage - a partner for life - that is something I take very seriously. I don’t want to do it more than once if I can help it.

Love is patient because its not in a rush to give you the best it has to offer. It has timing and life circumstances and growth and about a million other factors it has to align with in order to bring out the real deal.

I’m ok with however long that takes.

I am not ok with wasting my time for the wrong love. 100 years spent alone is 100X better than 100 years in the wrong love.

So yea, I walk away. I don’t chase. I quit the game before I cross the start line. If that means I miss out on the ok love - I’m fine with that. Because I’ve got a whole lot of big love for myself - and a whole list of adventures to be on until the real deal comes along.

And if I don’t find the real deal - or I cause myself to miss it - ya know what? Is that really the worst thing in the world? Because I just don’t think it is.

Worth

For some reason, I have always been the woman who men love to play games with. Men love to slip into my DM’s, drunk text me, confess their love and then never make a move, hit me up when they’re in a relationship — the list goes on.

Im not sure what about me says I’m down for those games, but nothing is more unattractive than a man who is all talk. And there is absolutely nothing less attractive than a man who is seeing another woman and tells me how gorgeous I am or wants to rehash feelings.

I know, poor me — men find me attractive. Or maybe you think this is a post that makes me look really arrogant. Either way, that really has nothing to do with me.

This one is about knowing your worth. We all love attention. We like to feel attractive. We like to be pursued. But there is a huge difference between attention and value. Just because someone calls you attractive, doesn’t mean they’re worthy of your attention.

Also — sincerely you’re gorgeous to some and hideous to others. That’s why we are all different.

When I was younger I lived for the attention. I loved walking into a room and commanding attention. I felt a lot of my worth was wrapped up in male attention. Some of that comes from trauma. Being reduced to having consent taken from you, it makes you feel like your body and your looks are the only value you have.

I still have those insecurities when it comes to male attention. But I also have the confidence in myself to know my worth. I am an attractive woman. And I won’t qualify that nor pretend I’m supposed to sit here and think I’m not. I am also accomplished, intelligent, strong, funny as hell, and about a million other things that have nothing to do with my looks.

My worth is more than the box men like to put me in.

For awhile I used to think maybe I’m intimidating, maybe I’m too much, maybe I come off as someone who’s ok with being a side piece - and now? Now I don’t give a shit about any of those things. Again, they have nothing to do with me and everything to do with the person thinking them.

Ill be honest, I have done a lot of dating. A lot of years that I was always in a relationship, dating, or talking to someone (or multiple people, shoutout to early 20’s Ashley who had a harem of men) - and that was cool. I’m grown though and I truly enjoy being single. I don’t feel that pressure to find my “forever.” If he’s out there and we meet, I’m here for it. But I’m not spending my time making it my priority. And I’m sure as hell not settling for whatever TF is coming to the table right now. Send that shit back and give me a refund.

These aren’t bad guys - Id like to make that clear. I think a lot of it is the place we are in right now in society. It’s all very lots of options and what’s next and I think the lines are blurred. Some of these men who I’m referring to are sincerely some of the best men I know. They’re men I will always be here for. I value their friendship. Yet I admit - I’m disappointed in how they’re choosing to show me my value to them.

I’m not sure what the lesson is here. Sometimes a girl just needs to vent. At times I like to know there are others out there who get what I’m saying.

I’m a tough chick. And I’m not ideal at emotions at times. I’m also a human being. I get my feelings hurt and I have moments of self doubt. But if life has taught me anything it’s that I can count on myself and I am one incredible woman. I have a lot to offer as a partner. That’s not something I’ll ever compromise on. My worth matters. And it has nothing to do with anyone but me.

Style Me Pretty

I am 99.9% certain Style Me Pretty is a brand or an influencer or something in the fashion world I am not educated on. Truth is, I am no fashionista. But I am into looking and feeling good. Even as a more casual classic styled woman, I like to get dressed up, I love a good sparkle or pop of color, and I live for a good shoe.

By no means is this a blog about fashion. I hardly qualify in that regard and quite frankly, I’m not interested in it. However, I am now in my 30’s, making good money, and interested in investing in pieces that last and that fit me correctly.

Gone are the days of Forever 21 (LOL but really its bankrupt) and hello are the days of a classic Madewell T. In a nutshell, I like to be comfortable. My style is very classic with random moments of a funky color/sequin/tutu but affordable and whatever makes me look and feel my best.

I am not a brand girl. You won’t catch me spending thousands on a bag or hundreds on a pair of jeans. I want quality but I need it at an affordable price. And rarely do I ever buy anything that’s not on sale. The hunt for a bargain is a thrill that is difficult to replace.

So where am I shopping right now?

Thrift Stores

Still in the thrift store game. Pick cities in an affluent zip code or nearby one. Dedicate yourself to spending time hunting down the good pieces. I have a $10 silk, fully lined, fully body hugging gown that I have worn for two black tie events. It cost more to dry clean the dress than actually purchase it. The point is, find pieces that can be staples or even a funky beaded sweater that’s in good shape or can be easily dry cleaned back to life. If it doesn’t fit quite right, BUY IT - paying to tailor these pieces can often give you an incredible wardrobe staple for under $50.

TJ Maxx

Do not sleep on TJ Maxx and stay out of the juniors section. TJ Maxx carries a lot of surprisingly high end names if you’re willing to look. I’ve purchased Stuart Weitzman, Betsey Johnson (love a good funky Betsey piece), and even Rebecca Minkoff here. And for 1/3 of the price of what you’d pay at Nordstrom. Again, it’s not promised you’ll find a gem every time, but find a wealthier area and hit up their TJ Maxx.

Amazon

Wild right? I’m telling you some of my best shoe finds have been on Amazon. Lucky brand open toe booties for $15, Cole Haan for $30, I even found some gorgeous Steve Madden flats for $12. The trick is to find styles you like and add them to your cart in your size. Then continue to check your list every other day, weekly, whatever works for you and follow the price. Some items I love never lower enough for me to buy, but a lot of the time I’m able to snag shoes for practically free. I haven’t bought a ton of clothes on Amazon yet, but If you follow Colette Prime, she’s got all the info you need for buying the best clothes. Plus, she’s a body positive, woman positive, everything positive world traveling phenomenal human.

Where are you shopping as you get older? We all have the go to Nordstrom Rack but where else should I be looking for my next deal?

Decide

The biggest decision you can make in life is to take control of your life and take responsibility for your beliefs and actions.

Often in life we like to find excuses, blame other people, place ownership on circumstances - whatever it may be - we really like to point fingers at anything and everything but ourselves.

Truthfully, your life is in your hands.

Sure - things happen outside of our control. And you may believe in a higher power. But realistically - you can control how you choose to react to every situation.

And when you make that decision to hold yourself accountable, you take back control of your entire life.

Truly. By accepting that you and only you can control your thoughts/emotions/actions - you’ve given yourself the greatest gift.

Life can be awful. And you may not control that. And you may not be able to change it. But you can choose to figure out how to make it work for you. You can say this sucks but if I allow it to make me bitter, I’m going to ruin my entire life.

I’m not saying don’t ever be sad. I’m not saying don’t ever be mad. I’m not even saying don’t feel bad for yourself. Feel everything. Let everything marinate so that you really address and process it and then move on. It’s not sitting in the hopelessness that matters.

I see a lot of people lately who want to place blame on their health, their finances, their jobs, their friends, etc etc. And I want to scream. You could have better. You could feel better. You could be better if you only understood the power in our thoughts and actions.

Life doesn’t promise us a golden ticket. It doesn’t owe us anything. The only person who owes you anything is yourself.

Know Her Name

Before #MeToo began, there was the Brock Turner case. If you’re unfamiliar with this case, get familiar with it. This case impacted me greatly. And it’s a huge reason I chose to speak out about my own experience. Because we had not jumped into the #MeToo movement, there were a lot of really ignorant people yelling about drinking, blaming the survivor, not wanting to “ruin HIS life” - etc. Every bullshit excuse in the book for why this man actively chose to sexually assault this woman. Make no mistake, this man is a rapist and he deserves every punishment that comes with that.

Unfortunately, due to an incompetent judge, he was given such a light sentence that the judge was later voted out of office. This case also led to sentencing minimums. Perhaps the most powerful part of this entire horrific situation was the survivor’s impact statement.

To this day, the writing, the emotion, everything - it gives me chills. It breaks me down to tears because there are so many moments that I think a lot of sexual assault survivors can relate to. Not to mention how much you can feel her own emotions in every word.

Since 2016, we have not known her name. Rightfully she chose to remain anonymous to heal and to forgo having to deal with the vicious people who blamed her for ruining a “young man’s life.” But now, we know her name.

Chanel Miller.

Chanel has used her trauma to speak up for herself and others. She has written a book that is being released later this month that I cannot wait to read. I know it will be triggering but I want to support this strong woman in her willingness to speak up for not only herself but every woman who has gone through this.

There is nothing more powerful than refusing to let your own traumas determine how they will affect your life. The truth is, these traumatic events do not leave you. You do not wake up one day and forget about them. You heal by deciding to deal with how they made you feel physically and emotionally, and you refuse to let them ruin your life. I truly cannot imagine what this woman has endured. To deal with such a horrifying sexual assault to then have that splashed all over the media, I don’t know if I could do what she’s done.

But every single time a woman stands up for herself, she’s standing up for women everywhere. That means something. We have to continue to speak up, stand up and shake our fists when sexual assault is excused as just boys being boys or we blame alcohol or we blame women who choose to have multiple partners. It has to stop. The problem is and always has been - the culture of allowing sexual assault to take place.

I plan to continue being very loud for myself, for my friends, for women I’ve never met - for Chanel - because the safety of women matters. Respect for women and our bodies matters.

I used to think of myself as a victim of sexual assault. But I grew up, I grew educated and I grew strong. I am not a victim and I never will be. I am a survivor, and advocate and I am a force to be reckoned with.