You and Only You

Stop expecting you from other people.

I say this to myself about 100 times a day. I sincerely struggle with the fact that not everyone at work and in life meets my effort, sincerity, and compassion.

I work really hard, I care a lot about being aware of others, I care a lot in general. I sit here and I’m like I don’t give any fucks, but I do, I give all of them.

Truth is, not everyone else does. Some people are OK existing in a status quo. They are less aware of what others think and feel. And that makes me insane.

But I can’t change it.

There really is nothing wrong with people who exist in a level of bare minimum. It’s not actively rude or bad, but to those of us who exist in the consistent level of striving for excellence; it is the absolute worst.

Learning to remind myself that it is unrealistic and unfair to expect ME in other people is one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. I actively struggle with this every single day, all day long. It has caused me heartache, hurt feelings, and misplaced anger because I really do not comprehend that other people do not share my values.

I know I’m not the only person who struggles with this idea that the way we are is not a standard expectation in society. People are not required to exist on that next level.

So how do you stop yourself from going crazy?

First, you have to remind yourself to set realistic expectations when interacting with the everyday human. You’re going to have to do this a lot throughout the day. And realize this isn’t about you. How others choose to live, is their own choice. It is not about you.

Second, you have a responsibility to be up front about your needs when it comes to your personal relationships. With a partner, friend, or family member - let them know what matters to you in a relationship. If you need them to commit more, say so. But realize that you may lose people in your life because they cannot match your efforts. Figure out what matters more, keeping them in your life or having them meet your expectations. Because they are not required to meet those expectations, it is not wrong for them not to.

Lastly - I think at work it’s worth singling out that you only need to worry about you. Not everyone is an overachiever. Stay in your lane. If it isn’t affecting your ability to do your job, it’s not your business. By nature, I want to take on more, grow, and push the limits of being the best. I have absolutely allowed the fact that others don’t do the same to frustrate me. I’ve allowed myself to get involved in things that aren’t my business. And now I’m actively removing myself from those equations. Because that’s on me.

My greatest weakness is that I do not fully comprehend not everyone is me. What I need to do is realize that my superpower is that nobody else is me.

Whatever is your biggest flaw can become your biggest asset. It’s all about how you choose to harness it. For years I let my expectations of others cripple me but now I use it to help me grow.

Have expectations, but don’t let them define your life. Expect the best but don’t be broken by the worst. Hold others to a higher standard, but don’t dictate the standards they choose for themselves.

You - and only you - are responsible for what you give and get out of life. Act accordingly.

Life is a team sport

Everything in life relates back to sports. Nothing makes me more sure of that than experiencing the overwhelming support from friends, family, colleagues - even acquaintances as I’ve been open about my life journey.

And nothing has been made more clear to me than the idea that life is a team sport. You cannot get through life without a team.

Yet in America, we are very much living under leadership that tries to show us it is every white man for himself. What has thankfully come from that is a large group of people who refuse to be anything but compassionate for others. That’s where I’m currently moving each and every day.

The older I get, the more I see our country promote hate and divisiveness, the more I want to be patient, loving, caring, and engaged in life as a teammate.

What does it mean to be a good teammate in life?

Look, I cannot teach you how to care about other people. We shouldn’t have to show you a bunch of graphs and evidence as to why you should care. There is no help for the people who do not understand caring about other human beings matters.

This is for the people who care.

Being a good teammate is leading from a place of compassion. It’s thinking about life as an ecosystem that requires diverse entities in order to survive and thrive.

It means not operating from a place of greed. It means knowing you can have it all and more, so maybe helping someone else with the more that I have would be a really great thing to do.

It’s giving support to people who might need it more than you.

It’s saying I don’t know your struggle but I support you in going through it and being brave enough to share it.

It is acknowledging that we are all different, yet all equal in our value as a human life.

For me, it’s finding more patience and less judgement for others. It’s listening to their stories, hopes, dreams, and fears and simply saying I hear you. And it’s finding a way to help whenever I have the capacity to do so. It’s admitting I am privileged and while I don’t owe anyone anything because of that, I have the opportunity to be an ally for those who do not share my privilege.

I challenge you to figure out what you can do to be a better teammate in the world and work towards that. We can’t all make it if we don’t work as a team. Life ain’t fair, that ain’t your fault, but it ain’t worth the ugliness to pretend it’s every man for himself.

Look, maybe it isn’t important to you to be a good human. Maybe you don’t think helping others is a priority. That’s between you, yourself and your maker.

All I’m saying is, being on a team works for everyone. It’s the best way to leave people and this Earth a better place.

Sustainability is haunting my soul

UGH. I keep becoming more and more educated on sustainability in all aspects of life and it’s giving me the most anxiety. Humans are sincerely awful at being mindful of our environment. Myself included.

The more I learn about how to be kinder to the plants, animals, oceans and forests around me, the more I take responsibility for change.

Admittedly, it is not easy to cut out some of the luxuries in life that I so easily enjoy. So I’m sharing some really easy ways to be mindful of sustainability as you live your life.

Eat Sustainable

Ask the restaurants you are eating in if they source their foods sustain-ably. Choose to consume more vegetables than meats. When you do eat meat or fish - choose cuts and types that are sustainable. For example, calamari is sustainable but a lot of salmon is not. This article also gives some great tips. Limit your food waste by using up all parts of the food as much as possible.

Shop Sustainable

I wrote a piece earlier in the month on how to shop sustain-ably but the short list is to shop brands that are committed to recycled products and limiting their environmental footprint or choose second hand stores to give pieces a second life. Here is an awesome list of great sustainable brands!

Drink Sustainable

Carry a reusable water bottle everywhere. Seriously. The gym, work, the airport, road trips - everywhere. Don’t use plastic bottles ever. I have no shame when it comes to this. I carry reusable water bottles with me on every occasion.

Travel Sustainable

I drive to work so I suck at this. But I also walk as much as possible when it’s possible. I am also big on public transportation when I’m visiting other countries or cities. Use your car as little as possible.

There are SO many easy ways to live a little bit more sustainable and to help the environment have a fighting chance. Small changes are HUGE. They add up. You can make an impact. Here is another article on 15 ways to help the ecosystem; just to give you some extra inspo!

How are you changing the world for the better sequins?

Missed Opportunities

I am certain I have already met my husband. A few times.

The thing is, I don’t believe in soulmates. And I know that I have met at least two, maybe three men I could have married and had a perfectly wonderful life with. Sincerely. Not even an OK life with one, a really amazing life.

Yet timing is everything. And I’m not sure at those stages in my life, I would have been ready for that level of commitment.

And lately it has me wondering, just how many opportunities do you get in life to miss out on your happily ever after?

I don’t subscribe to what is meant to be is yours. I firmly believe we are active participants in our stories and timing can play a role, but you also have to be the lead character in order to secure your storybook ending.

I take full ownership for the fact that I was unable to make commitments to these men when they were presented to me as possible ever afters. Two of them are married, happily. And I root for them so much because they are good people. Their spouses are some of the best women. I actively cheer for them.

And yet at 33, I wonder, is my story going to be that I missed my opportunity for a leading man?

Growing up, I had the vision that I’d get married, have 2.5 children - do all the things we are taught to do. And yet, the older I get, the more I find that vision might not be what I really want.

I’m not willing to compromise. I don’t want to be the 50% statistic that ends in divorce. I don’t want to wait for a significant other when I could be out making my own adventure. I don’t think I want to ever be pregnant. I think about adopting.

I love the idea of doing life with a partner. But I also have started to think about life as my own partner.

The fact is I don’t like online dating. I don’t want to spend my time chasing men or waiting in places I think they’ll be at. I want to continue to grow, travel, smile, laugh, and make the most out of what time I have on this Earth. And if someone comes along and fits into that, I’m open to it.

Being 33 and single, it can feel hard. It can feel shameful. It’s a society that teaches you the end goal is to build a life together, check off all the boxes.

Some of us have different boxes we’d like to check off.

I’d like to encourage you to do what works for you. And only you.

We all miss opportunities. But I think we create new ones by choosing to see those original opportunities as cards we chose not to draw.

Anxious Activities

I like plans. I love lists. I like having active checklists and resources to rely on. I’ve been working hard lately to create go to things for me to do to help calm my anxiety. I wanted to share them because I know a lot of people out there who are anxious and struggle with how to cope!

Be Grateful

I bought a really cute notebook and a fun set of pens and every night before bed I write down three things I’m grateful for. Sometimes it’s super deep, and sometimes it’s simply that I am grateful for glitter. But it helps relax me before bed and get my mind in a happy place; which in turn helps me sleep.

Coloring

My mom bought me a weenie dog coloring book and some colored pencils and it sounds ridiculous but focusing on coloring helps distract me from whatever makes me anxious. It also keeps me off the socials when I’m sitting in front of the tv. I’m even thinking of taking it to work for a brief color break as needed.

Thank You

I bought a 48 pack of floral blank cards and once a week I write a thank you note to someone. It can be someone at work, a friend, anyone. But again, it takes me back to a thankful place and helps remind me how much I have to be thankful for. It calms my anxious thoughts and worries when I remind myself to be grateful.

Snuggle

Sometimes I pickup my dog and make him snuggle. It sounds weird but a quick 5 minute snuggle sesh makes my heart happy. Dogs love us so much and it’s hard to feel anything but love when you’ve got arms full of puppies!

What are you doing to stay calm and distract your anxious thoughts?

She has feelings.

Ya’ll I cried for the first time in about 346 years the other night. And I did it front of two really good friends as well as in front of half of San Francisco. Nothing like really going all in right?

I had a complete and utter breakdown.

I think the excessive wine we drank helped, but I also think I hold everything in so much that it builds and like a volcano, sometimes I erupt.

And I cannot stop dwelling on it.

I’m mortified that I allowed myself to show that side of myself, in public, in front of people over a really traumatic time for me.

If you’re a regular reader, you know that I’ve really opened up a lot in the past few years. I’ve discussed traumas that have happened, I’ve been actively involved in social issues, and I’ve been committed to therapy.

It’s a lot.

I never stopped to realize just how much. And I think in wanting to be all of these things, I didn’t take time t check in with myself.

Thus, an embarrassing breakdown.

I know that the people who love me understand me for everything that I am; but a really large part of me has that fear that because I have been the rock for so long, I’m not allowed to have feelings. I get extremely self conscious about showing any emotions and worry that I won’t be valued if I grow and change into this person who has normal feelings all the time.

To be honest, I don’t have a big lesson here. I don’t have news of a breakthrough. It’s just a story of where I’m at and the realization that you can take all the steps in mental health to live your best life, and still get caught struggling.

But without showing emotions, how do the people that love you know that you love them? If you don’t open up all the parts of you to the most important people in your circle, you’re not trusting them with yourself. That doesn’t make you strong, that makes you unable to fully experience relationships.

I guess the lesson is to get back up, to keep doing what makes you feel whole, and know that the people who love you, they’ll keep doing so.

Independent(ish)

I grew up in a suburban upper middle class community. I’ve always been a bit sheltered when it comes to life skills. I’ve been lucky enough that my entire life my parents have empowered me but also have taken care of things from being there for medical appointments to managing all my car needs. So for more of my life I’ve been comfortable in that space. I can call them for questions from broken microwaves to how to get my oil changed.

As I’ve grown up, I’ve found that it’s really important not to rely on others for those things. I’ll admit I took a bit longer to do so but I’m at a point where I truly have the confidence in knowing I can do anything and rely on myself in any situation. And that feels amazing.

I get it - what a privilege to have been able to be cared for in such a way. I agree. I appreciate it. I appreciate how independent I am even more.

I just got back from a few weeks in Europe. When we travel, I am the one you can count on to step up and take charge. I do need to sit back at times and allow others to step up, but I am extremely proud of the fact that in a foreign country, I got me.

I’m able to navigate where I’m at, where to go, how to manage a language barrier, what to pay, how to order - I have full confidence that you want me in your corner for surviving abroad.

Yet - I still get anxiety for things like buying a car, understanding health insurance - the adulting part of life.

Here’s the thing, I used to think I had to be able to do all the things to be an adult. To prove I can do it all. Reality? I do have a support system and people I can rely on to help get me through the things I don’t know a whole lot about.

That’s ok.

Who says we have to know it all and do it all to be considered an adult? Why is it shameful to say help me out? It shouldn’t be.

I’m sort of independent(ish) in that yea, I can survive and I can figure anything out if I have to, but it’s 2019, I have people to help me, and I’m going to let them. That’s not being a princess, that’s being smart.

Cut yourself a break if you’re like me and you can manage the big things but need extra help with the little things. You be that independent(ish) babe and own what you know and be smart enough to ask for help when you don’t.

Who said having it all means you have to do it all yourself?

Buy Good

I love shopping. I love shoes and clothes and all the things. But the older I get, and the more I see how wasteful human beings are, the more I want to shop responsibly and consume less.

I don’t need all the things. But I do love all the things. And I don’t have to give up my passion for shopping if I want to commit to be more environmentally friendly.

How do you “buy good” when it comes to consumption?

Be Resourceful

• Buy reusable bags and stop purchasing bags from stores. Don’t even use the produce bags, but your ow produce bags made out of recycled material.

• Shop for what you need. Be mindful of the waste you’re creating. Buy in bulk if you can. Limit the wasteful packaging and limit the food you buy so that you’re not throwing it away.

• Grow your own food. If you’ve got the time and ability, there are a lot of fruits and vegetables that are easy to grow. I’ve always wanted to have a garden. The food is fresher and amazing for mother nature!

• Hit up a farmer’s market. I live in California, we have really good produce everywhere. Farmer’s markets have endless options for the best fruits and vegetables. It’s also supporting small business in your community!

Shop Sustainable

• Find brands that offer eco friendly sustainable fashion. Yes, it’s more expensive. But the pieces usually last longer and better yet, the process of making them is environmentally friendly. Recommended brands: Levi’s, Alternative apparel, Pact, H&M Conscious, Eileen Fisher, Reformation, Patagonia, Columbia, Athleta

• Shop vintage/thrift store. Buy clothing that has already been used. Personally, I love the quality of pieces that were made 10-20 years ago and if they’re in good shape, dry cleaning makes them good as new. I’m also a big fan of a good deal! Recommended Shops: Poshmark, eBay, Goodwill, etc.

• Clothes share! Host a swap! A lot of us have clothes that don’t fit, styles we are over, or pieces we just don’t wear and never did. Share with your friends! Get together and exchange what you’re not wearing.

Be a Leader

• Be a resource. Do your research. Teach your kids about sustainability. Be a champion for Mother Nature. Help guide the next generation to take care of the world.

Sustainability and being environmentally friendly is no longer just for hippies. It’s our job to start taking better care of the world around us. We are losing valuable resources we will never get back. Climate change is real. Animals are dying. The rain-forest is depleted. It’s really cool, and really important to buy good.

Happy Shopping Sequins!

America the Remix

Ok - so all sane people can agree the America is a hot mess right now. Like I’m here to celebrate the 4th because America is the greatest nation i the world, but she’s certainly not acting like it.

So while I’m here to say Happy Independence Day, I’m also here to say, let’s be better. That whole “this isn’t what America was founded on” kills me. America was founded to protect white male slave owners. So can we please stop romanticizing our foundation and instead say, if we want America to be this amazing place we dream of, we’ve got work to do.

Where do we start?

Get Honest

Start by being honest with yourself and the people around you. Step one is always admitting there’s a problem. Whether that be acknowledging your own privilege or helping others to see theirs, we have got to admit the issues in front of us. Racism, sexism, sexual assault, the opiod crisis - we’ve got a lot to cover. Also understand that admitting we have these problems is a positive. Nobody (and no nation) is perfect, stop getting defensive and start getting real.

Stay Strong

You’ve got to hold yourself and others accountable. It’s often uncomfortable but it’s really important to keep yourself and those around you in check. Call out your friends, family, and lawmakers when they’re not working towards making America better. We have to speak up and that is not easy. People are going to say you’re too political or you’re too involved or a million other things, but it’s important. Don’t be shamed into complacency.

Stay Informed

I am constantly doing research so that I am informed and aware of the happenings in the world socially and politically. I do the hard work to make sure my opinions are based on carefully gathered knowledge and not headlines or twitter clicks. Do your part and get informed so that the opinions you’re putting out there are based on true information, not fake news.

Get Involved

Loo,, we are all busy. But we also all complain about the state of things. And it’s not going to change until we all get involved. Forget your whole “I’m only one person” BS, that’s just not a good excuse for anything. One person can affect change, just look at the 2018 midterms. A whole lot of everyday Americans got involved and helped us to make changes for the better. It can be small but however you get involved, just do so.

I am a proud American, and that’s why I expect us to be better. That’s why I am so passionate about involvement and awareness and improving on where we started from. I don’t think we have to settle, and I'm refusing to allow us to do so.

Book Club

It has been quite some time since I did a book club situation. And yet my reading has not slowed down. While I was in Europe I actually finished FIVE books! Here’s what I’ve been reading:

The Paris Wife

I’m about 2-3 years late in reading this book but I am so glad I did. This book about Ernest Hemingway written from the perspective of his first wife was so fascinating. I love a good historical account where I can learn about a prominent literary figure.

American Prison

The author of this one is a journalist who went undercover in a private prison in Louisiana. He details his experience in the system as well as delves into the background of the American Prison system (specifically privatized prisons). I found it absolutely insightful and educational and loved the perspective.

People Like Us

I’m 99% certain this is a book for teens but I loved it. It’s a super quick read about kids at a private boarding school and a murder that takes place. Not a hard read, it took me a day to finish. It’s a cute light and easy book for lounging by the pool or passing the time on a flight.

City of Girls

I’m a huge fan of Elizabeth Gilbert so this was a must read for me. It’s a super provocative historical fiction novel that mixes in a lot of saucy romance. Again, an easy read fit for the beach as it doesn’t take a lot of brain work to follow. I loved the descriptive language and the 40’s have always been of interest to me.

What are you reading? Share your favorite books with ta girl!