We're Waiting

I am so proud to see women everywhere speaking up. Women are demanding equality, refusing to be complacent with abuse, and we are not backing down. But the thing is, women are always speaking up. It’s just usually for everyone else. What I’d like to see is men speaking up for the women they love and receive so much support from.

Women are the strongest human beings on the planet. We can do anything. And yet, we shouldn’t have to do everything.

I want to see men speak up. I’m waiting for men to say you shouldn’t have to do this alone.

When it comes to abortion, sexual assault, workplace equality - it takes two to tango. There are men involved and affected. Speak up.

Say my partner had an abortion and it was the best thing for me too. This girl I had a one night stand with got pregnant and she chose to have an abortion and I support her right to choose what to do with her body because SHE and ONLY she knows what is best for that body.

Tell us about a time you probably pressured someone into doing more than they intended to, and say I’m sorry, I was wrong. If you see someone groping a woman in a bar, stop it. At work, if a woman is being treated unfairly, say so. Don’t interrupt women in meetings. Ensure you have women at work and that those women have a voice.

Speak up.

And stop pretending it is scary to do so.

Nobody knows the right thing to say. ASK. Ask how you can be an ally. Ask what can I do if I see this happen and how can I best show that I am on your team and you matter.

Get involved.

Have open conversations with women around you. Listen to how they feel. Be willing to accept honest feedback regarding your own behaviors. Actively work to change any attitudes or actions that do not promote equality or safe environments for women.

Like any marginalized group, women need allies. We need brave men who are willing to be advocates for our journey. Just as POC need white people to say whoa fellow white people, we are a problem in these ways and here’s how I plan to be better - women need men to do the same.

Is it easy? Nope. But thank your privilege you have the ability to choose whether or not to speak up, we do not have that luxury. Acknowledge that privilege. And then get over it and get to work.

Do the women in your life matter? They should. They are human beings. Do the women in your world inspire you? They should, they’re changing the world. Do the future women in your life motivate you to be a better man? They should, they are our future.

Women are mothers and CEO’s and Doctors and teachers and caregivers and partners and world class athletes and friends and most importantly, human beings deserving of an equal shot at this life we are living.

Show them you not only believe that, but you’re willing to talk about it until it becomes a reality.

Speak Up

I am so obsessed with David Letterman’s Netflix show in which he interviews various prominent personalities in the world. I recently watched the episode with Ellen in which she so candidly spoke about her childhood trauma being sexually abused at the hands of her stepfather. The thing that stuck with me most was when she talked about women not having a voice.

So often we are made to feel small. We can’t speak up because we are too bossy. We must smile and offer opinions, but nothing too over the top. It’s okay to dismiss a romantic advancement but don’t be too pushy or you’re not that pretty anyways. Women are constantly taught to stay in our lane or be knocked off the track.

I’m a confident, very opinionated - woman. And yet there are still many times in which I have to stop and question when I should speak up. How much I should say. The tone I take. First and foremost for my own physical safety. But also because how I respond matters. It matters in relationships, at work, in public - how I use my voice is scrutinized in every setting simply because I am a woman.

Some people wonder why we are now having so many women speak up about sexual harassment and assault. They say we have to be making it up because how is this “all the sudden” happening everywhere we turn? Men are “afraid” to be around women at work and in bars because they “don’t want to be accused of being a bad guy.”

This stuff isn’t new. It’s been happening for hundreds of years. We just haven’t been able to use our voices to say stop. We have been belittled to the point of questioning whether or not we did make something a big deal. Maybe we were mistaken. Sure it was bad but I’m okay now so is it really that big of a deal? We talk ourselves out of feeling offended or taken advantage of or abused because we don’t get the voice that men do in life.

When people in the spotlight come forward, when everyday women use their voices to say no more, women collectively get to raise our voices. We get to all feel like it’s okay to speak a little louder. Turn up the volume on the representation.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, America was not built for women. Women are not mentioned anywhere in the Constitution. And so society as we know it was not built to keep women in mind. We don’t get a voice according to the forefathers.

Women were not given a voice in the world. And so we started out silent. But we are finding our voices now. And I sure as hell hope we continue to turn the volume up.

I Changed My Mind

I’ve openly spoken about getting Botox, injections and even plastic surgery someday. Sooner rather than later. Recently, I’ve changed my mind.

I have not changed my mind about being open to it and accepting about it for others (because first and foremost, what others do with their bodies is not my business) but I have changed my mind about it being for me.

I’m 33. I have always thankfully had really good skin and looked younger than my age. However, I am getting to my mid 30’s and I do have things like forehead wrinkles, laugh lines, and sun spots. I cannot be mistaken for 22 anymore. Let’s get honest - I can’t be mistaken for 25 anymore, maybe even 28. I probably look a solid 30.

Are there times when I compare my aging to how my friends are aging? Absolutely. I’m a woman in a world that tells us aging must be stopped at all costs. But the more I see the work that is getting done around me, the more I want to just age gracefully.

I’m using lotions and serums and sunscreens and I wash my face and do all the standard regimented things we are taught - but I think that’s going to be it for me.

I say all of this and I very well could change my mind in six months or six years. And that’s OK too.

So what’s changed? A lot. I consider the cost of what I see some people spending to maintain and I would rather spend the money of other things. I would rather spend it on travel and events and dinners than I would on stopping aging.

I also know that self love has been a constant journey for me. How I look obviously matters to me, but I value loving me for who I am and all that entails - wrinkles and all. For me loving who I am does equal embracing the aging process.

Here’s the thing: a lot of my friends, significantly more and more lately - are relying on injections and surgeries and they look fly as all hell. And it works for them. They want to spend their money, time, and energy on those things, and I am not against that. In fact, I’m very for it because it’s important to them and that’s what matters.

Doing what is best for you, that matters.

I may look older, more weathered than some of my friends. Sincerely, one of my girlfriends never ages and she looks absolutely incredible. Partially because naturally, she’s healthy and takes good care of herself (and good genes), partially because she does get injections. Either way, it’s working, she’s a bombshell and always will be. But I don’t know if I’d look like me if I got those things done. Maybe I’d be a better version. Maybe I’d look like I had work done. Maybe I’m overthinking it.

Whatever it may be - I’m not willing to go there right now.

I like learning to love the things that make me who I am. Wrinkles, scars, lines, spots and all. I feel my best when I’m makeup free and authentic. Just as much as we should support the women who choose to age with a little help, I think we need to support the women who choose to just age however that ends up.

The point is, the beauty industry is always made to show women what we need to be our best selves. Taking advantage of that is not wrong and choosing not to is not wrong. Take pride in knowing what you value, what makes you feel your best, and committing to the journey knowing it can change as well.

Society loves to tell women a lot about who we should be, how we should look - society absolutely places more rules around how to exist as a woman and changing my mind, is my way of saying you know what? I’m going to do whatever I damn well please. And I won’t apologize for any of it.

Proud Mama

While living in Texas, I met a woman who who would change my life. She has become one of my closest friends and I consider both her and her family, my extended family. They became people that I knew I could turn to in Texas and I’d have a home to go to, which is really important to me. Texas never felt like my home but these people did.

I grew up in California and while my family I would say is more middle of the road in their belief system, Californians by nature are generally more left than right.

My Texas family definitely leans a lot more Republican in every sense of the system. They’re right of the middle.

And yet our differences are the perfect example of how to exist in a happy place of having different political beliefs but agreeing on a lot of the important social issues. More importantly, these are people that I know I can have respectful open discussion with and truly learn from each other.

Before I left Texas, my friend and I made a deal - I would go to her church with her if she promised to vote in 2020. Little did I know, she would begin a journey of committing herself to becoming more informed, educated and aware of the world around her in a way I had never planned on.

I want to make it clear, it is never my goal to change anyone. I think it’s important to have open dialogue in a supportive environment without judgment, but ultimately with the goal of informing, not changing. I don’t have everything figured out, I’ll never pretend to, but I want to share my experiences and views to encourage others to think differently.

That’s what she has done. She is the perfect example of staying committed to her deep faith but understanding that her faith doesn’t give her the right to control others or push that belief on others. She speaks passionately and is an incredible example of her Christian faith without being pushy. I greatly respect her ability to commit to her religion on this journey while expanding her horizons in the political and social space.

Abortion is generally frowned upon in Texas and in Christian religion. She is not a proponent of abortion and never will be. But she has recently come to understand that just because she would not choose that for herself, does not mean she has the right to tell someone else what to do with their own body. And I could cry.

I am a proud mama because she made that decision for herself. She researched, she talked to people, and she said this is what I believe and what works for me but I want to respect other humans in this world.

At work, she’s figuring out ways to be inclusive. Out of work, she’s reaching out to ask my opinion on current events and to clarify things she doesn’t understand. I don’t know the answer every time, but having her trust me enough on this journey means the world.

I write all of this to say, be more like my friend. No matter what “side” you are on, or what your belief system is, we could all stand to be more open to discussion, committed to educating ourselves, and care enough to put ourselves in the shoes of others. She is everything this world needs right now and inspires me to continue to challenge myself to think differently.

A Lady of European Leisure, Part Deux

Well, against my better judgment, I have arrived back in America after two weeks abroad. I was able to completely log off work and enjoy two weeks exploring Spain, France, and Portugal. This piece is for all the women tagging adventure on their Instagram pages and linking hands with their boyfriends to get that golden social media photo opp. JK, this one is not for you. When I travel, I don’t even pack makeup, let alone that super cute floppy hat and white billowing boho chic dress.

This blog is for the true traveler. It’s for the folks looking to immerse themselves in culture and eat their weight in tapas while guzzling Port wine at 9AM on a Tuesday.

Let’s get down to business.

Barcelona

Where to stay: Gothic Quarter, it’s historic, inexpensive and easy to walk everywhere.

Where to eat & drink: Elsa Y Fred (Brunch), Viana (Dinner), Brunch & Cake (Brunch)

Where to explore: Obviously La Sagrada Familia (book a morning tour online when its less crowded), Walk to the other Gaudi designed buildings as well (we didn’t do tours), Park Guell (Make reservations for a morning tour online), Beach (grab some wine and snacks and go do the walk from the marina along the beach)

Key takeaway: I loved the historical buildings and truly unique architecture of Gaudi. The rest of my group didn’t love the city because it was crowded and it can feel a bit dirty (lots of graffiti) but I really enjoyed both the people and wandering the Gothic Quarter.

Bordeaux

Where to stay: City center. It’s very walk-able and easy to navigate.

Where to eat & drink: Kuro Espresso Bar (Breakfast/Coffee), Lou Lou (Dinner)

Where to explore: Wine tasting! Pay the $50 at the tourism office to take a bus out to the Chateau’s and see wine country. The wine pours are terrible but the history and sights are well worth the cost. Go to the mirror fountain outside of the palace for the best IG photos, the public garden for traditional Parisian walks (bring wine and a baguette and people watch!), and walk the bridges!

Key takeaway: Sleepy French town that I adored. It’s less of a hustle than Paris but all of the French charm. It’s also significantly cheaper than other French cities and deeply rooted in French history!

Lisbon

Where to stay: Alfama Disctrict (Historical city center). It was super loud because of festival season, but it was also where all the action was. Easy to walk all over town and very close to train stations.

Where to eat & drink: I didn’t love the food I ate here except Time Out Market. We ate at the restaurant upstairs and it was divine!

Where to explore: Time Out Market, Sintra day trip, walk along the waterfront, Bellem Tower

Key takeaway: This was personally my least favorite city. It felt a bit touristy and crowded. I really enjoyed Sintra, it was stunning, but Lisbon was too much of a big bustling city for me overall.

Horta

Where to stay: We stayed by the bay (literally across the street) and it was perfect. We felt like locals because we were away from the main marina. However, this tiny island feels very quiet overall so you’re really not going to be anywhere that’s bustling. Everything is easily walk-able in Horta but on the rest of the island you can call a cab or rent a car.

Where to eat & drink: Very limited but Genuino Restaurante for dinner (the owner is a two time solo trip around the world sailor), A Padaria for pastries and coffee (Coffee was 40 cents!), Peter Cafe Sport for lunch (order the special of the day whatever it is and try the gin!)

Where to explore: The beach! We were on the beach and because it’s such a small island, we had it entirely to ourselves! Private beach feel, not the prices! Also do a whale watching trip, we saw so many cool animals and being on the water was amazing.

Key takeaway: My family originated here so I thoroughly enjoyed making the trek here from the mainland. It is about 2 and a half hours of flying to get to, but well worth it if you love sleepy towns with a gorgeous island feel. I’d love to go back and explore more of the Azores.

Porto

Where to stay: We stayed up near the University. It was quiet, super comfy in the three story Air BnB we shared and easy to walk all over the city because it was so centrally located.

Where to eat & drink: Make reservations wherever you go! Hotel Dom Henrique (17 Degrees Bar & Restaurant). If you can eat and finish at sunset, you'll maximize views. It overlooks the entire city and even across the river. The service is incredible and you have to dress a little 'nicer' aka a sundress is fine, but the food was incredible and the views are the best in the city. It's more expensive but honestly not crazy, the steak was $30. For brunch, hit up Zenith Brunch, it's more Americanized in what it serves but it's SO cute and the food is divine. It is ALWAYS busy so be prepared to wait a little (15-20 min max). They also have a great HH for delicious strawberry mojitos that we loved. Go to Base (located next to the Harry Potter bookstore on top of a building in a park for casual outdoor drinks. Drinks are expensive because it's a total hot spot outdoor bar for the 20's crowd, but it's so cool for people watching in the sunshine. Another dinner I LOVED was Brasao Aliados for dinner.

Where to explore: Take a river cruise of the six bridges (It’s about an hour), Go on a Douro Valley Wine Tour (this was sincerely my favorite part of the entire two weeks!!), check out Livaria Lello (pay the 20 Euro to skip the line and go before it gets crowded), Cristal Palace Gardens, Shop at Almada 13

Key takeaway: I am obsessed with Porto! It’s such a clean city with plenty to do but also not overwhelming. The food and people were both really awesome and it felt like I was able to explore without becoming overwhelmed by a bustling city.

Combined stats

I’d say Porto was my favorite city. It’s not consumed by tourism yet, really easy to wander around, inexpensive, and I had the opportunity to truly relax. I’m a big fan of getting into cities before they become the next best thing. Prime example, I wanted to go to Iceland but it became such a thing, I’m out for at least another 5 years. Porto is right on the verge of being the next big thing so my advice is to go now! I also really enjoyed the Azores because my family roots are there and it’s so not touristy at all.

As always, I’m coming back humbled, grateful and excited about the world. There’s nothing like exploring a new culture to remind you how small you are in the overall ecosystem. It’s also a great way to remind yourself we are all different and thank the sweet glitter gods for that!

Peer Pressure

The other night I was watching the Sex & the City of the millennial generation - The Bold Type! It features the journey of 3 best babes working at a women’s magazine in NYC. It’s love, sex, friendship, life - all set in today’s times.

The episode revolved around the idea of that in between space that exists in the world of sex and dating that isn’t sexual assault but it’s a form of peer pressuring someone into doing more than they wanted to. The example in the story line (give or take a few colorful details) was two friends who were leaving a party and the male told the female it was too cold to walk home so he asked to stay at her place. She made it clear she didn’t want to engage in anything sexual but during the time they were at her place she felt guilted (new word, you’re welcome) into hooking up with him for a myriad of reasons.  The woman wrote an article on the culture of pressuring women into sexual experiences like this and whether or not the guy in the story is in fact a bad guy. And that sparked a lot of debate in my mind.

I’ve absolutely been there. And I’m not sure I ever really thought about it as anything but a grey area that I probably wouldn’t have engaged in sober or in a different situation, but I did it because I was drinking, felt bad, felt like I owed the guy, etc. etc. Yet today, I’m not sure I identify those men as bad men. I don’t respect them as much as I would a truly consensual partner, but I wouldn’t call them predators.

On the other hand, I think there’s something to be said for pressuring someone into any sexual encounter as a really not okay thing.  It’s pretty damn obvious when someone does not want to take something any further. Whether they say so, seem hesitant, it’s pretty damn simple to ask are you sure or walk away. Pressuring someone and then going through with it knowing you’ve done so, that’s pretty disgusting.

And 'I’m not just putting this on the men. This can happen truly from either gender but I hear about it a lot more within my community of women. There are countless examples of “I felt that he wouldn’t like me anymore if I did’t” or “I didn’t have anywhere else to stay, I thought I owed him at least that." or the “He bought all my drinks.” We all have those stories. Chances are, you also never thought about them as a man who took advantage of you but you may have felt icky about it.

The more and more I think about it, the more I review my past situations, the more I do identify it as really wrong. Fessing up to it as such and working to be better moving forward is a really critical part of the change.  

Like a lot of incidents of sexual assault, sexual harassment, etc. I think this all boils down to needing to have more open dialogue with each other. You might not intend to be harmful, but intent doesn’t equal outcome. Train yourself to have the tough conversation about consent. To consider how the other person is feeling before you move forward. Peer pressure doesn’t necessarily make you a bad guy, but it doesn’t make you a good one either.

Career Corner: An Update

It’s been awhile (I feel like I say this every single time) since I did a career update. It has been SEVEN months since I started at Google. Time flew by and at the same time I think about my life in Texas and it feels like it happened decades ago.

Where do I start? Short answer, I’m thriving. I love this job. I love this company. I love this team.

I have always thought that I would have to choose between loving my job and loving where I work and at Google, I don’t have to make that choice.

I’m going to caveat that no, things are not perfect rainbows and unicorns 24/7, but that’s not a realistic expectation to have in life; in any capacity.

Things are really shiny and sparkly though and I have all the boxes checked when it comes to what matters to me in a career.

Growth

Growth is really important here. There are endless opportunities to learn both online, out in practice, and from your fellow Googlers. And it’s all valuable. Every avenue for learning is beneficial to me on a personal and professional level. I have avenues to grow into within this company and those possibilities are endless.

Respect

I am respected. And at any point if I am not, it is addressed immediately and thoroughly. My supervisor has repeatedly had to remind me that I am not in my past roles and she does not tolerate abusive behavior from anyone - within Google or from outside visitors.

Challenge

I am challenged every single day. Truly, I learn about a billion new things each day and there is still so much more I have not learned. There’s no possibility of “I’ve learned it all” here. And the talent pool is so stacked that I’m forced to keep up if I want to stay relevant.

Time

My time is respected. I have a social life. I control my schedule and I’m allowed to say that I’m overwhelmed or burnt out and need support. This has vastly improved who I am as a human being. I’m finding that a lot of my cranky behavior in the past was due to being so miserable and unhealthy in the workplace. I don’t have that here

The bottom line is I’m so happy. I’m so thankful and I’m so encouraged by what I’ve found at this point in my journey. And I hope it encourages you to never settle for anything less than everything. It’s out there. And it’s worth the fight.

OOO

I am currently on the tail end of a two week vacation in Europe. I’m OOO, truly, madly, deeply, OOO. I’m not checking emails, I’m not answering pings, I am logged off and logged into my best me.

My entire adult life I have worked to this point.

I’d vacationed before but never had the balance nor support of my organization to truly log off. Sure, last year I was transitioning roles so there was literally no work for me to do - but had I not been in that weird limbo, I’d have been expected to be somewhat logged on.

But I’m on day 14 of being totally, completely, blissfully OOO.

I’ve traveled all over three countries, eaten all of the food, had all of the wine, and spent time being fully present in the culture I’ve immersed myself in.

And it has me thinking.

Why wait to disappear to Europe to go OOO?

Truly, if my company is providing a supportive environment - and it is - why shouldn’t I log off more?

So I’m going to.

Upon my return, I’m going to make a conscious effort to log off and go OOO whenever possible. Friday at 5, don’t call, don’t write, I’m turning work off.

Work is all consuming when you let it. The truth is, most of us aren’t saving lives. We have the ability to set a standard and say no, I’m taking this time to be fully present in my life and what that entails right now. Do so.

Stop complaining about it and do it. If your current career path doesn’t allow for that, grind until it does. Find the right fit for you because it does exist.

Work is amazing and I’m really thankful that I feel what I do does impact the world, but at the end of this whole life cycle, I want to be able to remember the moments I was OOO. I want to remember eating, drinking, laughing, smiling with the people who are most important to me.

I was to be so wrapped up in my OOO experience that on my death bed, I can physically sense every amazing experience I’ve been lucky enough to have.

What do you want to remember?

Survive & Thrive

I am a fierce advocate for what is right. For civil rights and human rights and women’s rights and all things equality. And yet I carry with me a deep regret over not speaking up in my own sexual assault. I feel shame for taking the easier route and leaving horrible work situations quietly. I often feel fake. Who am I to say speak up, fight back when I didn’t do the same?

I read a quote recently on Pinterest that hit home. It talked about forgiving yourself for doing what you needed to do to survive. 

And that’s what I did. I survived.  

I acted and reacted the way I did in every situation because it’s what I needed to do in order to make it through.  

The thing is, you don’t owe anyone anything and it’s not your job to do the right thing all the time. You have to survive yourself before you can help others make the same choices. 

Its very possible for me to be an advocate now because I learned and I grew and I can be a resource for others.  

I didn’t practice what I preach throughout my traumas because I simply couldn’t. Had I done anything differently, I might not have survived.  

Its ok to cut yourself a break.  You didn’t know. You did what you had to. 

Forgive yourself for all of it. You survived. You’re a survivor. Praise yourself for being able to survive and thrive.  

Trauma makes you relive everything. From the incident to every single thing you could have should have would have done differently. It’s an endless cycle and often feels like you are experiencing the incident itself all over again. 

It doesn’t matter how you survived, only that you did. You do not deserve the shame and guilt associated with how you did so. 

Forgiveness is something you owe yourself. If you can forgive others, you can forgive you too.  

Frozen

I struggled a lot with whether or not I wanted to write this piece. It’s incredibly personal and life changing to have or not have children. As a woman, there is a lot of societal pressure to have children, be a mom, honestly, be it all. And growing up, it was assumed I’d get married, have the 2.5 kids and do the whole traditional family experience. The older I get, the more my dream of the future changes. I’m 33 now, I’ve sort of got to make that decision fairly soon when it comes to pregnancy. Right now, I do not have the answer. So I’m freezing my eggs.

One of the reasons I didn’t want to write this was because it puts my personal decision very out there. This is an easily searchable blog for men I date, have dated, who know me and have considered me a potential partner. To not know what I want, to potentially not want children, that could limit my dating pool. But I’ve got to be true to myself above all else, and my truth is, I don’t know.

I’m really good with kids. I enjoy time with kids in doses. I’m just really unsure if I’m willing to give up my independence to raise my own. I also really don’t know if pregnancy is an experience I want to have. If I do end up wanting kids, maybe I’ll adopt. It’s about a billion thoughts, decisions and truly personal things that I’m considering when it comes to my reproductive future. Really, my future life in general.

I wanted to talk about this because I’m sick of everyone telling me how great I am with kids. How when I meet the right person I’ll feel different. How I’ll change my mind. Maybe I will, but maybe I won’t. The thing is, bearing a child does not make me a woman. It does not make me whole. Choosing not to have children, that doesn’t make me less of a woman. It does not mean I cannot have it all. My all may look really different from your all. I’m sick of the conversations for women revolving around our relationships and child rearing status.

I simply don’t know if I want to have kids. All that says about me is that I’m actively engaged in thinking about my future in a responsible and healthy way. And I don’t give a damn what you have to think, say, or feel about that decision.