This is America

I am ashamed, appalled, angry - I am every fiery feeling there could be towards the treatment of women in America. Guns are regulated less than my body. A rapist has more rights than I do when it comes to keeping me safe.

It’s 2019 and I am exhausted.

I’m exhausted from explaining to other people that as a human being, I am the only person who should have the right to decide what happens to my own body.

I am unable to form sentences anymore to explain why we need to teach men more about sexual assault.

Women are the strongest human beings on the planet.

And yet we are the most regulated people in the world. Regulated by men who can never possibly understand anything about how we exist.

What I’d like to say about abortion is that no matter what law you make, abortion will occur. You cannot ban abortion. That is impossible. What you’re doing is compromising women’s healthcare and if you are “pro life (ridiculous term)” you are not supporting life when you oppose abortion. You are simply privileged enough that this does not affect you. No uterus? No opinion. Not one say in this except, your body, your choice. I would like to loudly, proudly, without caveat say that if I choose in my life to ever have an abortion, I will do so. Without shame, without hesitation, without remorse. And I will not allow anyone in my world to bully me because of that. You support me, or you are not in my life. End of story. What is best for my body and my life, will forever be what is my guiding light.

I’d like to say a little more about sexual assault because although I didn’t report it back then, I will not shut up about it now. The most basic rule of life is to keep your hands to yourselves. And yet we are in a time that there is every excuse in the book for men to blatantly refuse this rule. We blame the women. We blame beer. We put people in the highest office in the land and we shame the victim. It is unacceptable and it is inhumane. My rapist most likely does not consider what he did rape. He probably doesn’t think about it. Probably never did think about it as anything but a drunken night of sex with a cute girl in college. I wasn’t drunk. I remember and I think about it all of the time. I think about it when I am alone with a man I don’t know. I think about it the first time I am intimate with a man I do know. I think about it at work. I think about it in a crowd. I think about it when I cannot sleep. I think about it when I am unable to commit to a relationship with someone. I think about it when I tell people that I am a survivor. I never not think about it.

I am in therapy and yet I still consider myself a little bit broken, damaged packaging even because I am a survivor. For years, I called myself a victim. The thing is, had I reported 15 years ago, I am 100% confident my life would have been worse. I would have been put in the spotlight, forced to relive what I went through. Questioned, shamed for my sexual history. I don’t know if I could have survived that, I don’t know if I would have wanted to. I don’t know who would have believed me.

You think women are not capable of handling decisions around our own bodies? We certainly handle the decisions you force upon us every single day as survivors. I have been attacked at knife point, raped, harassed about the shape of my curves because I’m too sexual looking, hit by a boyfriend; and I am here. I am surviving, thriving, and I am fighting back. I am the ONLY person who can handle the decisions that come with the body I was born with.

The absolute bottom line here is that my body is my choice. At all times. And there is no law that should ever be able to compromise my rights to that body.

Mental Health May

May is mental health awareness month and while in general I don’t subscribe to this whole one month out of the year awareness situation, I do want to highlight the discussion around mental health.

It seems everywhere we turn in the media, celebrities, athletes, and authority figures are talking about their own experiences with mental health. And it’s about time. But I want to make sure that we are mindful not to sensationalize mental illness.

There’s sort of been this way the media talks about mental health in a way that showcases the struggles as a true Hollywood story, a tale of sadness and drugs and broken relationships that takes away from the ‘normalness’ that is mental health. Certainly there are some very real and very dramatic end of the spectrum mental health stories but being that 1 in 5 Americans suffers from some sort of mental health disorder, it’s more common to have middle of the road experiences.

I’m talking high functioning anxiety, depression, bipolar - the people around you who suffer everyday and work hard to just exist and get through the day. That’s what I want to see highlighted and talked about in the media.

I do not want to belittle the very real addiction struggles as well as the suicide we see in the world. Those stories are real and important too. But until we are able to openly talk about the in between before those things occur, we are not going to be able to openly combat these issues.

I want to see companies, doctors, friends and family talking about anxiety, fear, depression, pain everyday so that we are able to treat mental health like we would physical health. Where there’s a constant check in, check up, and monitoring of your mind every single day.

I want mental health to be considered health. There shouldn’t be a separation, loop it into overall health and well being. Insurance should offer coverage like they do for your physical health.

For mental health May I challenge you to talk to the people around you about their mental health in a really open positive way. Ask questions, be supportive, normalize the conversation. Stop the stigma, the fear, the judgment around what being mentally ill means. Most of all, I challenge you to dig into your own mental health journey and figure out what it looks like and where you’d like it to go. You can’t help others until you figure out how to help yourself.

Angry Birds

I’ve been accused of being angry in my life. Angry at people, past situations, traumas, you name it. The thing is, I’ve never actually been angry about it. But maybe I should be.

A good friend of mine recently described herself as an angry bird. She’s angry at people for treating her poorly. She’s angry she allowed it. She’s angry it took her so long to realize it. She’s an angry, grumpy bird.

And I sort of relate to that.

I’ve never been angry because it’s not a productive emotion. And it’s always felt like a super negative space for me.

My therapist recently spoke about angry as a positive emotion. As allowing myself to feel angry at people and situations.

The thing is, if you’re not allowing yourself to feel reasonable emotions related to things that happen to you, are you really overcoming them? You’ve got to feel it all and process it all in order to move on from it all.

Being angry can also provide a positive shift in what you allow into your world. If you are angry, you can step in and say that you’re angry, you don’t want to be treated that way anymore, and you remove that negativity from your world.

Being angry is ok.

Being angry means to feel something strong and you’re going to do something about it.

Maybe it’s about time you got a little angry.

Emotional Support Human

One of the toughest parts of having anxiety can be the countless times you feel alone. It’s hearing someone tell you you’re dramatic. It’s listening to loved ones tell you it’s not a big deal. It’s having very intense emotions escalated more by the reactions of people who just don’t understand.

I am one of many who have an emotional support animal (ESA). And I have him for the purpose of supporting me when I am overwhelmed by my anxiety. He’s the best distraction and teammate I could ask for. But as much as he helps me, he can’t talk. He can’t relate. A snuggle and a smile are all I’m getting. Dogs are better than humans, but having an emotional support human, that’s a pretty important part of suffering from mental illnesses.

A close friend of mine also suffers from anxiety. She’s a very strong sounding board for me and someone who often is the only one who understands the emotions I’m experiencing. She’s also known me for 20+ years so she’s pretty in tune with who I am. I have now decided that she is my emotional support human.

Obviously an emotional support human is not a thing. But here I am, making waves. An emotional support human for me is someone outside of my standard toolbox of things I use to combat anxiety. I’ve got medication, a therapist, a psychiatrist, an ESA - I’m doing all of the practical things to manage my anxiety. The emotional support human is my person who helps talk me through my anxiety and emotions as someone who gets it. They’ve been through a lot of the experiences I’ve been through and they’re able to relate to the crazy things I often feel.

As with anything, my disclaimer is that you cannot solely rely on an emotional support human to solve your problems. They aren’t a doctor or even an expert. They’re likely just a friend who gets it. Huge fan though of someone who just gets it when the biggest struggle for me as someone living with anxiety is that not a lot of people get it. It’s trendy to have anxiety but very few people actually suffer from it. Sincerely, if you don’t really truly have anxiety, please stop saying you do. It’s like telling people you have a disease when you really don’t.

Human connections matter. They are literally necessary to survival. Feeling like you relate, belong and matter are so important to mental health and thriving in the world. Find the people who get you, support you, and allow you to continue to grow and live your best lives.

It Lacks Purpose

Maybe it’s because I was trained as an athlete and maybe it’s what my therapist would call my protective layer -  but I have never sat and experienced emotions that don’t have purpose.  

Whats that even mean? It means if it isn’t a useful emotion, I’m not sitting in it. I don’t live in anger unless it can be used to fuel me. I’m not sad unless I’ve got it on a short timer.  

I have always believed that emotions needed to have purpose. It doesn’t resonate with me to just be sad or mad or happy or scared. I want to know why and then how to evolve to the next level.

Now at 33, I have recently learned that this is unhealthy. It means that I’m unable to put things behind me because I don’t fully feel the affects of them. I quickly move to more positive and ‘productive’ emotions to avoid the emotions that don’t create purposeful outcomes.  

So I get that this is obvious when it’s laid out in front of me. I comprehend that not allowing myself to just feel things because I feel them has probably led me to the unhealthy relationships and experiences I’ve had throughout my life. 

All the times I have pushed people away, shut down, lashed out, physically left the state - it can all be traced back to not feeling the feels. And I’ll own that. 

A lot of athletes are trained to sit in this space, so I thankfully am not alone in this unhealthy lifestyle. Misery loves company y’all, I’m not tryna be the only person in this shit show.  

So what do we do? We get uncomfortable. I’m allowing myself (ok I’m supposed to be allowing myself) to have feelings just to feel them. I’m supposed to stop automatically classifying a feeling and moving on from it. I’ve been directed to not limit my emotions to time periods I deem acceptable.  

I’d say I’m failing at this so far. It’s not going to be a quick little transition for me. I get the purpose, I understand the problems it’s created, I’m dipping a toe in, but I’m also afraid of water so it’s  going to take a minute. 

Emotions are messy. It’s impossible to expect them to exist in a scientific place. You can’t control how you feel all the time or even for how long. It’s not realistic. As the cool kids tell me, it’s ok to feel the feels.

Attitude Problem

I have always been the one you can count on. The friend, family member, teammate that always has your back. Sometimes, honestly often times, that means i have allowed myself to come second. Any time I have ever stood up for myself in my family, with friends, at work - I have been accused of being angry, dramatic, a bitch - you name it, I’ve heard it.  

Every time, it stings the same. It hurts to be the one who is strong, and then to stand up and ask for respect and care that I deserve, to only be put down, that doesn’t feel great. Ive never felt I represented any of those feelings, and I don’t care for anyone else telling me how I feel.

A few weeks ago, my therapist asked my why wasn’t I angry? Why did I feel that was an emotion I didn’t deserve? Why do I accept the things I’ve been through as the cards I’ve been dealt in life? Why don’t I get a little angry at the people who have continued to put me in those circumstances?  

I didn’t have an answer. I didn’t have any words to respond to that and I still don’t.  

Part of who I am since I can remember is tough. I am strong. I can handle a lot. So I think of things I have been through as things for me to overcome. To accept and to move on. Someone always has it worse. 

I never understood that I have value and deserve to focus on myself in all of this. Now that I know I am valuable, a good person, and a really good friend and family member - I want to feel respected and valued by the people in my life.

I still don’t know how to be angry about it because I don’t see anger as a useful emotion (which is honestly a whole other can of issues I’m working on, emotions don’t always have to be useful). But I do see myself pulling away from people who have treated me as selfish, dramatic, angry - because those people do not deserve me nor my time.  

The people who have lashed out at me, or who’s first instinct is to belittle me, those reactions have nothing to do with me and everything to do with them. I notice more the people who don’t check in on me, who only come to me when they need something. I ignore the people who are just looking to take my energy. I challenge the people who attempt to take me down.  

I’m not angry yet. But I’m fighting. I’m fighting for myself and to protect the amazing human that I am. I don’t blame anyone for anything I’ve gone through, but I do blame them for how they choose to treat me and the roles they’ve played before during and after those times.  

Life isn’t fair, I truly don’t think I’ll ever come to a point where I say wow I deserve something better because I’ve gone through worse. But I do encourage you to find your value and understand that no matter what you go through, you don’t deserve to relive those horrible experiences through how others react to you.  

Surround yourself with people who understand life is messy, and you may have a life that’s just a little messier, but they love those parts of you anyways. They treat you with respect and make an effort to be your rock because you are theirs. You might deserve to be a little angry. But above all, you deserve to be heard. 

Ok, you’re right.

When I was little and until the day I graduated college, I wanted to be a lawyer. I naturally enjoy an argument. I like to state the facts, give my speech, and listen to the squad weigh out each side, ultimately agreeing with me. Obviously.  

I can passionately argue about anything. I love the thrill of the debate. And while I don’t have to be right all the time, if you’re wrong, I do have to talk to you about it every single time.  

Until now. 

I want to call it maturity, (I think it’s mostly exhaustion) but I do not have the energy for an argument most days. You think the sky is purple? Cool, you’re right. Want to tell me that puppies can talk? I sure hope so! 

Arguing and having debates has lost its joy for me in most cases. These days, I am saving my energy for the right topic and the right people. I enjoy a good healthy political/social/sports discussion with my squad. But do I want to talk about those things with the random colleague I run into at the barista? I don’t.  

Getting older - and somewhat more mature - has taught me that I’ve got a lot to give to this world. I’m one of the good ones, and I won’t fall into the trap women are taught to live in where I’m humble about it. I have good intentions, love, and light in my heart. I am a good person. 

I want to change the world, I want to help people, I fight for the underdog. In order to be a force - to even affect one person, I’ve got to be strategic.  

I’m arguing less, walking away from the debates more, and I’m saving energy and the good word for times that it counts.  

You want to change the world? Start with yourself first.  

Life of the Party

Growing up and well into my 20’s, I hated being alone. I was always busy being everywhere because spending time alone was a really uncomfortable space for me. I have always excused it as being social and often the life of the party. Turns out - I was also really afraid of being alone and being forced to deal with the scary parts of life.

Being alone meant time to think. Think about all the things in life that were causing me anxiety, depression, fear, self loathing - all the negative things I never wanted to deal with. So I never made time to be alone.  

Dont get me wrong, I am social by nature and when I think of all the things I’ve done in my life, I smile. Did I often use partying and social activities to avoid being alone? Sure. But I also partied because I enjoyed it. And I wouldn’t trade the times I’ve had with some of my best friends for anything.  

I’m talking about the consistent need to always be doing something. With people I didn’t care for, doing activities I wasn’t even that interested in. There’s a difference between social and avoidance. I definitely did the latter as much as possible.  

The older I’ve gotten, the more I’ve grown away from that lifestyle. Partly because it’s not sustainable and partly because I want to experience everything so that I can maximize joy.  

With getting older and changing, getting help for the things I’ve gone through, I’ve faced a lot of backlash. People call me not cool. Tell me Ive changed. Accuse me of not being fun anymore. Those things hurt. I won’t lie, it’s frustrating and hurtful.  

I have changed. I’ve grown up.  It has taken me until now to actually schedule and value me time. Sometimes doing nothing really is self care. And while people often like to give me shit for not being ‘cool’ anymore - truth is, I’m cooler than I’ve ever been because I’m strategic with my time. I value who I spend it with, and that includes time with myself.

I am so proud of myself for not only being able to sit in alone time and face the scary parts of myself, but for actually scheduling this time.  

You’re right. I’m not the life of the party anymore because I’m probably not at that party. But I’m traveling. I’m cooking. I’m reading. I’m hiking. I’m at dinners. I’m at the ball game. I’m in spaces that I want to be in and that allow me to be fully present with people that matter to me. 

I’m not a show anymore. I’m not the one you look to for the wild antics. I did all of those things. I was the headlining act. Now? Now I’m the star of the show I want to be in, and I won’t allow anyone to try and take that from me.  

Security

For the first time in my adult life, I feel financially secure. Let’s get real about what I mean here. I spent a lot of time working in roles that didn’t pay well. A lot of which groceries do I have to buy and where can I eat Top Ramen? A lot of ok if I pay my rent, I can’t go to the bars with friends this weekend. That’s what I mean by times I wasn’t financially secure. I’ve always paid my bills, I’ve never experienced abject poverty. I am lucky.

But there is something to be said for money buying happiness. I get it, money doesn’t solve all our problems, but having it certainly doesn’t hurt. My life is less stressful because I can pay my bills and travel the world. I can go on a shopping spree and it’s not going to throw me off balance. A weight has been lifted off my shoulders because I don’t have to worry what I’ll do if something needs to be done for my car. Money has bought me some sort of happiness by removing some of the stresses I used to have when I didn’t have any.

Money controls a lot of our culture these days. In every aspect of pop culture, money is king. Our generation is weirdly about excess and minimalism. I’m even confused about it all. But what I’ve found is that the more I have money, the more I want to save. Oddly having financial security has motivated me to lean more towards minimalism because I prefer to spend on experiences and save the rest.

I’m also more humble and appreciative of the journey I’ve been on financially because I never thought I’d get to this point. I honestly remember feeling like I was drowning and would forever be living counting every last penny to survive.

What’s the point of this not quite sob/not quite humble brag story? Not too sure in all honesty, it’s more of a revelation I had and wanted to share in all this noise about money not being able to buy happiness.

I sort of wanted to speak to the idea that a lot of people - usually people well off, like to say money can’t buy happiness. Truth is, I think in a way it very much can. It can buy you less stress. It can buy you security. It can buy you food. Health.

Bottom line, as we talk about finances and money in our culture and in social as well as political settings, I think being mindful of socioeconomic status is critical. Money can buy happiness. And sometimes, its not even a lot of money needed to do so.

Rather than a lesson, I’d like to say this should lead to some reflection and discussion around money, happiness, and the way in which we look at the connection between the two.

What do you think? Can money buy happiness?

Epic Fail

Because I’ve grown up as an athlete, the idea of goals and achieving them is something I take very seriously. To not achieve a goal is a fail, full stop. I’ve failed a lot in life. There are so many goals I set that I simply did not achieve. As I get older, I’m choosing to redefine failure when it comes to my goals.

Not achieving a goal is not a failure, full stop. Sometimes goals change. Sometimes we change. Sometimes not achieving a goal leads to discovering a new goal.

Alternatively, some of the goals I have achieved, they’ve left me empty. They’ve turned out to be wins that felt like losses.

I grew up being a really good athlete. Best in my little suburban community, always winning. Always chosen for the competitive travel teams. I wanted to run in a national championship race at the collegiate level. Due to injuries I was barely able to compete at the college level. I ran a handful of actual races and endured more surgeries than wins. A national championship race wasn’t happening. But I did learn about my strength, leadership skills, and discipline because of that failure. And those traits have led to a lot of the success I now find in my life.

When I was 28, I earned my dream job. I wanted to work in professional sports and after almost 6 years of grinding, I achieved that goal. And I was miserable. My mental and physical health suffered. It was a nightmare to work in such a toxic environment. And ultimately, it led me to pivot my dreams and goals to look outside of the industry I committed my entire future to.

Goals are so important to have. And achieving them matters. But not achieving them can be just as life changing. Failing might just be the best thing that ever happened to you. Full stop.