Investment

Ok, not that kind of investment. Certainly by 30 you should be well on your way to financial security with a diverse portfolio and a 401K, but this blog, it’s not about that. This blog is about investing in your wardrobe.

I am a self proclaimed discount shopper. I won’t pay full price for anything. But I’m also a grown up. And I understand that at my age, I need to be mindful of the pieces I’m purchasing. It’s time to invest in well made staples that I can build a foundation with.

How do you build a wardrobe that lasts and is also mindful of current style trends? Let me tell you, I’m no style expert. I tend to live in leggings more often that not. So you can trust me when I say this blog is for the everyday woman. Who lives for comfort but also wants to look put together.

1. Find your style

   What’s your style? I don’t believe in fitting any one mold or having to stick to a style but I do think its important to understand what your style is so that you’re not forcing yourself into a trend because it’s cool. Invest in figuring out what works for your body type. What accentuates your frame? Don’t spend money on clothes and accessories just because you like them. Figure out what looks and feels good or it’s a complete waste of your time and money.

2. Spend on Staples

   Spend a little more for well made, long lasting, classic pieces. Clothes you should be investing extra money in are jeans, t-shirts, jackets, shoes - pieces you wear often and that you can pair with different accessories to look different. For example, a good pair of jeans can be paired with a million different tops and shoes so repeating isn’t an issue.

3. Save on Trends

   If you’re buying trendy items, go to places like H&M who make them for cheap. That way when they’re out of style or you’re over them, you didn’t spend a huge amount for nothing. If it’s a piece for a big event or special occasion and you’re not going to wear it again, opt for a more inexpensive option of the piece you’re coveting in a magazine.

4. Spend Smart Regardless

   I won’t pay full price for just about anything. If I’m buying an expensive item, I’m looking where I can find the best quality for the best bargain. I own two gorgeous leather bags that I bought in Italy. The same leather that’s used for big names like Chanel and Louis Vuitton. But because I bought it in Italy, without the designer label on it (it’s just classic black good leather), I paid $300 instead of $3,000. You can also get good quality shoes and clothing at places like Nordstrom Rack that are on sale but well made.

This sounds silly, but create a list of staple pieces. The French often do this to build out a minimalist wardrobe with well made pieces. For example, jeans, t-shirts, blazers, riding boots, little black dress, etc. You know the things you need to have last the stand of time, invest in those. Slowly build up a wardrobe that caters to that.

Plane, Train, Automobile

In my last role, I traveled a lot. Like a lot a lot.  All over the country. I’ve been to almost every state. 

Sure I had traveled in careers past, but not nearly as much as I did while living in Dallas. Quite honestly for the first year and a half of the two years I spent in Texas, I rarely spent time in Texas. 

In my new role I was told I’d be traveling 20%. That’s actually been 0% since I started. That will change some, but not a whole lot. 

When I first started my career, I wanted the travel life. I dreamed of being the businesswoman who was always off to another city. In reality, when I got that life, it was a lot of love/hate.  

I love that I’ve seen cities that I’d never go to otherwise. Who would have thought that I’d love some of the tiniest cities in America? But I also know that I never had the opportunity to commit to a life outside of work in Dallas because I spent time traveling, working, and being exhausted the few times I was in Texas.

Fast forward to California, I’m back and I don’t travel unless it’s somewhere I choose to travel. And that feels good and that feels bad. I miss work trips, but I have the power and the means (shoutout to being paid well, that’s new) to go wherever my heart desires. How wild is that? I’ve never had that opportunity before. 

Its April, Between now and June, I’ve already got a trip to Barcelona, Bordeaux, Lisbon, Porto, The Azores, Phoenix, and Newport Beach. For the second half of the year I’m planning Amsterdam, the Champagne region, Brussels, London, Hawaii, Boise, Nashville, and Phoenix again.  

 I’m traveling for fun. I’m seeing the world because I can. I’m not bound to a quick stressful no sleep no exploring work trip. Because honestly, being a business babe on a plane all the time, it’s not all champagne dreams. 

Realistically, you saw the Instagram version of my work trips. You saw the end product for the masses. You didn’t see the 14+ hour days, the blood, sweat, tears, that one time I got a concussion, the time I was hospitalized for a stomach bug, the time I pulled a muscle, the not eating for an entire day, the sleeping 3-4 hours a night, the family events I missed, the relationships I didn’t have time for, the weddings I couldn’t be in - and those are just to name a few.  

I miss work travel. But you know what I realized I missed even more? The opportunity to define travel for the culture, the adventure, the choice to travel because I have the time and energy to do so. So I’m not traveling for free much anymore, but I am traveling. On my own terms, my own time, and there’s no end in sight.  

Pretty Woman

I haven’t gotten super controversial in awhile, so I guess I’m due! I’d like to just say this and get it out of the way - I think sex work should be legal.  

Pause for the judgmental crowd to have some shock and awe time.  

Are we still here? Super.  

I think a lot of policy and law is made out of judgmental ignorance. There are a lot of stigmas working against us that prevent realistic, fact based laws because we can’t get out of our societal rules learned over years of shock and awe. 

Beliefs around sex start young. Often times the way in which we talk to men and women around sexual encounters is extremely different. We tell women to save themselves. We tell men to just be safe. We make sure women know they shouldn’t have too many partners. The list goes on. 

I find all of that absurd. Sex is not shameful. Sex is not purely for procreation. I do not owe my virginity to the man I marry, just as he does not owe his to me. I am not a slut for any number of men I choose to engage in sex with. Nobody is a prude for choosing not to have sex. Like most things in life - my body, my choice.  

Sex should be talked about more. And that’s what leads me to believing that sex work should be legal. Among many reasons, I’d say the most important is for safety. Sex should always be consensual, safe, and be between people who choose to have a discussion and do what works for them. 

Legalize sex work and regulate it. It’s going to happen, in fact it does, it’s everywhere, make it safe. Tax it like you do any business and provide very clear laws around making it a safe transaction between consenting adults.  

 Illegal sex work is what hurts us. And it goes back to the beginning of time. It’s not something that’s going to go away. Take the power back by creating environments that again are focused on safety. 

In all honesty - I’ve only done a few hours of research on how this operates globally. But financially alone, pimps in some major cities make $30K a week. A freaking week. The money is there. This is a HUGE industry that again isn’t going anywhere. Forget your morals, money alone is a huge motivator to take back control of the market and put the money back into the economy.  

Did you also know that of that $30K less than 10% is spent on healthcare for the sex acts and sex workers? That means a large number of these acts are not safe. And that spreads disease.  

How about physical safety? The attacks on sex workers are all too common. Not to mention the violence from their own pimps. I don’t care if you disagree with sex work, your morals do not justify violence against anyone.  

I believe sex work should be legal. There’s enough test markets to say let’s keep trying it more and more in other places. A controversial blog perhaps, but I like things a little shaken up sometimes. What do you think? Open to the idea or letting your morals get in the way of being a little more open minded?

Me-Tox

A lot of people are out here doing juice cleanses and detoxes to get their health back in order. I’m not really looking to go on a liquid diet or give up donuts; so I’m doing a metox. I’d like to focus on my health too, but I’m generally a pretty healthy person physically. Mentally, I need a metox. Here me out. 

A lot of our lives revolve around technology. At work we are on computers, phones, video conferences. In all other aspects we’ve got social media, cell phones, tablets, television, the list goes on. It’s really easy to get caught up in the digital world and find yourself pulling away from your own identity. 

Social media alone can create intense anxiety for a lot of people. The culture of comparison was literally created because of social media. Between your social media persona and constantly seeing other people setting ridiculous (and often fake) standards - it’s easy to lose sight of yourself. 

So a metox is the idea that you spend time existing in the real world, focusing on things that make you happy and that remind you of who you are in the physical world.  

For example, I love fitness. It’s the best way for me to center myself. When I log off entirely from social media and sometimes even forego music, I connect with the root of what makes me happy. I associate fitness with my drive, passion for movement, and competitive nature. I enjoy pushing my limits and reminding myself of all the things I achieved as an athlete and how much I fought to get there. It’s a next level high that immediately resets my reality. It’s humbling. And it invigorates me, elevated my confidence, it reminds me who I am and what I’m made of.

if you’re not sure who you are or what you’re this passionate about, figure it out. Try a workout. Journal. Read a book. Do a puzzle. Cook a meal. Play an instrument. Do all the things until you can figure out what your thing is.  

Healthy mind and healthy body are linked. Science people. You gotta work on the mind if you expect to have strong overall wellness. A really good place to start is a metox. Log off, sign out - walk away from the gadgets.  

Realistically we are all guilty of being too connected and forget how to spend time off the grid. It may not be an easy thing for you to do. Start small. If you’re scrolling the socials 24/7, set your phone down for 10 minutes. The next time, try 15. The point is to try.  

Recently, the more time I build on the metox, the better I feel and the less I think about my overall reliance on everything technology. I’ve gained perspective. I enjoy posting. I enjoy being on the grid, but I very much value the time offline. It’s a practice though. And it’s repetition that gets you there.  

Forget the detox, get you a metox.  

Ignorance is bliss

I spoke about this in an earlier blog but I wanted to elaborate. I have said and thought a lot of ignorant things in my life. And I feel a lot of shame for ever thinking those things or speaking them into existence. Now on the level of ignorance, I’ve still always been pretty aware. But it’s important to acknowledge that I’ve said and thought things that are wrong and socially or politically unaware.

Why is this worth two blog posts? Because right now society exists in a place of us vs them. We are in constant competition to say what is right and what is wrong and who can be the most woke. There is so much shame around anyone who has ever thought something that is ignorant that I think many people live in fear of speaking up. That is not how we create a better world moving forward.

America is fucked up right now. Truly, I’m not sure how to sugarcoat that or say it in a better way. We rip children from their families. We are killing innocent black men at an alarming rate. Women’s rights are being stripped every single day. Hate is everywhere. And our President is the biggest proponent of this.

I’m all for standing up and saying what you believe is wrong. If you believe in hate, racism, sexism - general bigotry - you need to be called out on that. It is not ok to push these agendas.

Here’s where I disagree with some liberal agendas - shaming people for what they believe. In order to affect change, we have got to say you’re wrong and this is why. And we have to listen. Really sit down and listen and have open nonjudgmental conversations with people.

I am able to be more open and aware because I had people who allowed me safe spaces for questions. I openly spoke my ignorance into those safe spaces and instead of being shamed, I was given patience and guidance to a new perspective. Because those people shared their stories in such a comforting environment, I was able to form new opinions on my own based on hearing other experiences.

Politics and social issues are not a competition between two teams to be won and lost. Everyone continues to lose if we continue to operate the way we are. It’s not a game. Human lives have been lost. More lives are at risk. We need to do everything we can to encourage change as best we can through open and safe environments. The more we create a culture of fear, the longer we will live in this state of ugly. And I am so sick and heartbroken by the ugly I see around me.

I have believed ignorant things. I will probably believe more ignorant things again. I am not a bad person. I’m a better person because I’m willing to learn and grow and become a better member of society through safe spaces.

It’s also really important to me to be a safe space for anyone who needs one. If you have questions/comments or need someone to talk with, please know that I am here for you. If you’re open to growth and being more aware and empathetic, I’m here to help you however I can on that journey.

She's got an edge.

I’ve always considered my ability to maintain control of my emotions as an edge. I am tough. I am strong. I am stable. I don’t cry. That’s been my edge. The thing that allows me to get ahead is my edge.

One of my greatest fears in going to therapy has been that I would lose my edge. The truth is that therapy has strengthened my edge by honing it into a useful tool.

Because I have learned how to express my emotions in a healthy way without shaming myself for having feelings in the first place, I have only grown stronger. I connect in a real way with the people I love. I find support in the team around me. At work, I am more than just an employee.

Connecting with your inner demons and learning how to manage anxiety does not make me soft. It makes me stronger and more alert than I have ever been in my life.

Your edge is what makes you uniquely you. It’s whatever allows you to be fully present in the person that you are.

Think about that. If you are strong all the time, share nothing, show no feelings - how do you ever form real relationships? How is it a strength if nobody can ever connect with you at your core?

I’ve sort of begun to think of therapy as softening my edges and making them approachable. Instead of being all sharp corners, I’m soft curves for fitting other people into my world. I’ve gotten rid of the spikes to keep people way and put little pockets in their place for things and people to fit neatly into the world I choose to build. And the great thing about pockets? You can empty and fill them up as needed. Because things change.

You don’t lose your edge by being open and seeking solutions to help you in your mental health struggles. You reshape those edges into your best features.

Dating Around

It was pointed out to me recently that I quite often talk about dating and relationships in the past, but rarely discuss my present romantic status. Short answer, I know. Long answer, this is not an accident.

I am a fiercely private person. I understand that makes no sense given that I write a very public blog about some very personal things. Like all social media and online presence, I curate the experience you have by choosing what to share and what to keep to myself.

Growing up, I was a very open person about who I was dating. You could easily tell my status at any given time because I’ve probably posted about it on all my social media platforms. As I’ve grown and matured, I have realized how much I value my privacy in romantic relationships. There are simply very few people I share my romantic life with.

Here’s why:

1. Relationships are hard

   Relationships are really hard. Everyone has baggage they carry. Allowing the outside world transparency into your relationship is only going to add to the complicated nature love entails. When you are constantly posting about your partner and your relationship, you are inviting drama into your home. The most private details of your partnership should be between you and your mate. That’s it. Save those personal matters for your home and avoid unnecessary interference from outsiders. When you make your whole relationship open to others and social outliers, the drama that comes to you, that’s on you. Relationships are hard, don’t make them harder.

2. You know you best

   Everyone has an opinion. The thing about opinions is they are often not based on the whole story. We vent to our friends. We give them the rose colored glasses. There is nobody engaged in your everyday relationship except you and your partner. Allowing other opinions to guide your choices and actions is just going to lead you astray. It’s fine to bitch and moan and ask for advice, but don’t allow those to be your truth. You know you best, that is your guiding light.

3. Expectations are everywhere

   Society has expectations around everything. Depending on your life stage, age, length of time you’ve been dating (the list goes on) - society has an expectation. If you’ve been together 3 years, why aren’t you married? If you’re married, when are you having kids? As much as we try to pretend they don’t matter, those expectations weigh on us. WHY aren’t I married? WHEN will I get pregnant? Back to #1, relationships are hard, don’t let society make them harder by forcing you into expectations you don’t have for yourself.

4. None of your business

   Straight talk - my relationships are not your business. I owe you nothing. I own my story and the relationships in my life and they are for me to dictate. That’s my power. It’s my life. It’s truly none of your business.

I’m dating. I’m not dating. I’m talking to someone. I’m talking to multiple people. I’m talking to nobody. I’m in a relationship. I’m single. I’m all of these things at any given moment since I began this journey. I will continue to write about my experiences. It’s an avenue for me to grow and learn and I value the relationships I build with my readers. But honestly, you’ll probably think I’m single until I announce I’ve gotten married on a mountain in Portugal one Summer. Part of my growing and building self love is owning my love life as mine and mine only. There is no power greater than being able to own your story for yourself because first and foremost, the most important relationship you will ever have is with yourself. 

Passionately compassionate

I can be really hard on people. I know where it comes from and although I am infinitely kind, I can be judgmental. Although I can spend hours making myself feel guilt about that, I understand it’s human nature. We all judge. It’s impossible not to. That’s ok.

Lately, the more ugly I see in the world, the more compassionate I want to be. When I feel annoyed, I try really hard to stop myself and redirect that energy to compassion. I don’t need to contribute to the ugly of the world, there’s enough without my help. I want to be a light and a source of positive energy. Not all the time, but most days.  

People who are the ugliest often need the most love. People who demand the most attention, sometimes they have the most insecurity. People who annoy you often are the most scared.  Everyone has an underlying issue. A greater story and often a greater need.

I guess it could be naive to actively choose compassion, but I am exhausted by the anger, judgment, hate and ignorance that I continuously see everyday.  

Now I’m inherently competitive, filled with high standards, and my patience is nonexistent. So I’ll struggle. I’ll snap. I’ll find people that I cannot hold compassion for. That’s ok. I can still choose to be kind.  

Not every negative situation deserves your attention. Choose to show you are passionately compassionate by smiling, and moving the fuck on.  

Withholding your time and energy from someone is the single most poignant statement you can make. It’s the most positive way to say not today satan. 

I am choosing to pause when I am judgmental. And to decide to be passionately compassionate. Selfishly so. Because I would like to live in a world where I stress less and smile more.  

The world won’t change if we keep fighting fire with fire. Hate with hate. The only way to leave the world a better place is to show it how to shine brighter.  

It’s a lot.

Something I have learned through all of this therapy is that I have endured a lot. That’s not something I have ever accepted. I have been given a lot so I always minimized anything I’ve been through. 

I have existed in absolutes. It is always worse. I have survived. I have a lot. I am alive. I have never considered that it is entirely possible to both be given a lot and suffer a lot. That just because others have it worse, does not mean I have not had it bad.  

Life is not made for absolutes. It exists in levels and shades and sometimes maybe. 

Learning to say I have suffered is not admitting I am weak. It does not make me broken. It does not make me ungrateful. It is not a request for sympathy.  

Saying out loud that I have endured trauma is accepting and understanding why I exist in a world of absolutes. I have never allowed the weight of my world to consume me. I’ve never sat in it, felt it, and thus been able to process it in a healthy way.  

I think we all often live in a world of survival. We go through things and block them because it is how we survive. Had I not protected myself the way I have for so many years, I can guarantee you I would not be alive.  

Thankfully, I am alive and I plan to be for a very long time. And making the time now to open up, feel the trauma, process it, learn how to stop living in absolutes - that’s whats making me a better me for the long run. 

Life is a lot. Make it easier to manage by breaking down your own barriers and challenging the things you find in front of you. Life is a lot, but honestly so am I. I’m a lot of wonderful. And that’s a whole lot of opportunity to do a lot more. 

Greater Expectations

As a follow up to expectations I wanted to talk about how to show people what you expect of them. Something I struggle greatly with is showing people how I deserve to be treated. I think this is a multi step system and I’ve been stuck on step one for 33 years.

Everyone talks about treating others as you wish to be treated. I got that part down. Like I’m really good at being a good human. I prioritize people and relationships that are important to me. I go above and beyond to show people I care. I’m your teammate when you need me. I’m sincerely tops at this part of the whole show people how you want to be treated. If this were a review at work, I would test off the scale in this category. Bonuses everywhere.

The place that I fail and should be fired at is when others don’t reciprocate this treatment, I don’t move on. I’m unsure if nobody shared this with me but if you very clearly show people how you wish to be treated and they do not treat you in this manner, you need to take back your energies and utilize them elsewhere. That shit blows my mind.

If I’m being the most best awesome friend, partner, colleague, mentor - WHATEVER - and it’s not being reciprocated, I need to move on. If you’ve shown someone, told someone, given them time to give you the same energy and care you give them, and they still don’t, that’s on you. They have shown you your worth to them and all you are showing them is that they can walk all over you and you will not leave.

Is this something ya’ll knew and nobody slipped me a memo?

I’m telling you, my world has changed. It’s certainly a struggle, but it’s a huge relief to take back my sparkle and use it on relationships with people who have decided I am worth their same energy. I never realized how much of my time and emotions I allowed to be controlled and drained by other people.

I’ve started to pull away the commitment I’ve given to some relationships and expended that energy on myself and those around me who don’t drain me. And it is wildly fulfilling. I’m less moody, I have more time to enjoy good people, and I am confident because I’m not being dragged down by relationships that don’t spark joy. Yea, back to that whole Marie Kondo Hunger Games edition. It works guys, really really works.

When you think about it, it’s simple. Time is energy. When you put a lot of time into relationships that aren’t creating equal value, the energy is really negative. So a lot of time, a lot of negative equals a lot of not feeling awesome. I think scientifically that’s how it’s classified.

Ultimately people prioritize their relationships based on the value they feel that person brings to their world. If you bring a lot of value and joy to someone’s life, they aren’t letting that go. If they let you go, it’s no knock on you, it’s just not the right human connection for you. Wish them well, let them go, and find your joy.

We should have greater expectations of others, but we should also have them of ourselves.