The Plastics

On a scale of 1-10 I am consistently a 32 when it comes to energy. On my worst day, I’m a 24. If I dip below 18, call a paramedic, I’m dying. 

Most hours of the day, I’m really happy. I’m smiling, laughing, talking - I am doing what the youth call “the most.”  

I am the definition of extra. I’m sequins, glitter, sprinkles and red lipstick - when the moment calls for sweats.  

Im the level after the next level. I’m all the motivational quotes on repeat.  

And nobody believes I’m real. She’s plastic! It’s fantastic! Just aged myself but you’re a real one if you know that reference. 

Theres a downside to all this awesome.  

I have been mistaken for dumb. Air head. Flighty. Immature. Foolish. Fake.  

Ive heard it all.  Y’all theres no new negative fake news words I haven’t heard. Try me. 

The thing is - this is not a drill. As much as I am a deep thinker sometimes consumed by anxiety, I am the sparkle obsessed, energy igniting, loudly laughing woman that you can hear from miles away. I can be both. It’s possible and real because it’s who I am. 

A few years ago, someone told me that I have an energy that draws people to it. I’m someone people want to be around because they want to absorb the shine I bring to the room. I’ve been told a variation of this in the years since and every single time, I am filled with gratitude for the people who understand me and value my intentions. I am humbled to ever be described in such a way. 

But for every human that gets my sunshine, there are 100 more who roll their eyes. Who whisper behind my back. Who exchange discreet glances and smirks.  Who underestimate me. Openly judge me. 

I see those people too. I hear what you aren’t saying. I am not ignorant to your disdain. I just don’t care.  

How you choose to see me has very little to do with me, and everything to do with you.  

Theres not a single fake thing about me outside of the tanning lotion I not so carefully apply on Sunday nights (who has the patience for that streak free glow?!). I never found the ability to put on a show.  

And yet, I am often treated as a show to be enjoyed.  

Those who understand I am not an idiot and yet don’t appreciate the magic I bring to the table - they see my sparkle and they want a piece. They try to figure out how I am filled with this energy and how they can attain it. 

For my whole life I have either been too much or a source of sparkle for someone to take. 

It took me a really long time to figure out for myself that not only am I enough, I am wonderfully incredibly unique and I don’t owe anyone any part of who I am. I am my own. I don’t owe anyone a damn thing. Not an explanation and definitely not my vibe. 

Appreciate the people around you that you admire. Accept them for who they want to be. It’s not your job to decide what they are to the world. Take some time to reflect on who you are and how you fit into the space around you. The less you worry about how others should act, the more time you have to focus on the best life for you.  You might just find out, the only fake in the room is you. 

BIG Mood

Ya’ll, I am happy.

Truly, wildly, happy.

I’ve not ever felt at peace and sort of wondered if life was always just a dramatic series of things are ok but not great. But things are great.

To me that simply means I feel happy.

In all honesty, work has everything to do with it. They say work isn’t everything, and whoever they are, they’re right. But work takes up a really large portion of our time so when that isn’t good, it affects everything.

Let’s take a pulse check -

Most days, I’m home by 430. I don’t work on weekends for the first time in 12 years. My workday is mine to create. If I need to work from home, I can. Need to go to a doctor appointment? Just go.

That leaves me a lot of time to do the things that keep me feeling my happiest self. I feel full and complete. I workout everyday. I cook dinner. I can meet with friends during the week. I can fly to visit people and join adventures without worrying about a weekend work trip. I can do all the things y’all

So I’m happy.

I keep up with shows. I make plans. I am invested with therapy. All of the things that make me feel whole, I get them done in the day and still have time to relax.

Is this the life ya’ll been living and I’ve been missing out? I never understood how people got everything done and had these vibrant social lives. I get it now.

I’m having a really BIG MOOD.

There’s obviously still times that are more stressful, nights I don’t get home until later - but that’s few and far between. It used to be my normal. My new normal is having a full life.

I keep wondering how my writing will evolve as I am a happier, healthier me. I have less time to write, but writing is still important to me. Stay tuned sequins, I have a feeling this mood is here to stay…and I hope you’ll continue with me on this journey!

Great Expectations

I have really high standards for myself as a human being. What I have discovered is that not everyone else lives by those standards. For awhile I lived by trying to be more understanding of others who do not meet my expectations. At 33, I’m not playin anymore.

I have reasonable expectations when it comes to those closest to me. When I spent time to try to lower my expectations, I was disappointed every time. I simply cannot expect less. It’s not for me.

So I’ve started pulling away from people who don’t step up to meet my needs. I’m asking for the basics - to be treated with respect, be valued, and be given the time and energy I give to others.

It’s been quite the journey. I have had to start first with myself and stop extending the extra energy to those who do not meet my give. As someone who doesn’t know how to do anything half way, it’s been trying to say the least.

The idea of showing people how I deserve to be treated never sunk in like it has in recent. I always understood it as go the extra mile regardless. But when those around me do not meet the level of investment I have in them, I walk away. Ok it’s kind of a slow crawl right now.

The people who truly value me, they’ll make the time to step up. Those who don’t notice or who do not step up, well, the situation works itself out. That speaks volumes in and of itself.

I’ve been told by many people that I can’t expect so much of others and quite frankly, those are people who don’t expect enough of themselves. I’ve met people who meet my energy, care, and commitment to others. Those are my people. Those are the people I deserve. And that’s where I’ll be investing my sparkle energies.

If you’re the type who likes minimal involvement and minimal effort, I’m not the friend for you. And that’s ok. The whole point of this piece is to say whatever you give, make sure you get it back. Whether that be a deeply connected relationship or a passing acquaintance - match the energies. Give and get, it needs to fill up your bucket or let it go.

Match vibe for vibe, ya dig?

People should have expectations. I have a lot of them. I think that society could use a whole lot more expectations in order to keep us accountable. That’s probably a whole other blog for a whole new day in all honesty.

Bottom line people? You give what you get, you get what you give - make sure whatever that connection looks like - it doesn’t leave you empty or wishing for more. You deserve to feel like you matter, because you do. Don’t let anyone tell you that you expect too much, some people, they are not enough.

Every rose has its thorns.

I have spent many hours in life wondering what was wrong with me. And I can tell you from hours more in therapy and self reflection - there is nothing wrong with me.  

Wild right?  

People who have mental health struggles completely relate to this feeling. It’s partly the anxiety talking and partly the exhaustion from the anxiety that leads us to this conclusion.  

We spend a lot of time worrying about everything because our minds have conditioned us to do so. We see “normal” people in the world who are able to so easily get through their day without overthinking and worrying about every decision and we don’t know why we can’t do the same.  

I wish I could say that feeling goes away. I wish this was the part where I tell you a therapist or psychiatrist gave me a magic solution, but it’s not. For me, understanding that my anxiety is a separate entity that contributes to who I am but is not my whole, helps me move forward.  

I like to think that the world made me unique. Yes I have to work a little harder to be “normal” but there is nothing wrong with me. I’m made with extra sparkle.  

Something that’s also really helpful is understanding that people generally don’t walk around talking about the things they struggle with. Especially not in a social media best foot forward society that we currently live in. Everyone around you is usually struggling with their own demons - even those closest to you. Those people are not broken, you love them for all their quirks - even the ones you don’t know about.  

There is nothing wrong with me. And nothing wrong with you. When you feel that way, take a deep breath. Pause for a timeout. Regroup. And come back with your head held high knowing that the world is lucky to have you and everything that brings with it.  

Competition.

I'm highly competitive.  I trash talk.  I am driven to be the best.  But why does everything in life have to be a competition?  I've got news for you - 99% of you - are not competitive athletes.  Your livelihood does not depend on being the best.  You are not Lebron James. 

As I get older, I’m starting to understand that not everything in life has to be a competition. I cannot be the best at everything. And just because I am not the best at something does not mean I am failing.

For those of us who have grown up as competitive athletes, it’s very hard to stop living that life. We find self worth in winning. When we become “regular people” we have a really hard time accepting not everything is a competition to be won.  

This is honestly probably one of my greatest struggles. When I am not the best, I beat myself up. If I fail at something or achieve things at a different rate than someone else, I question my value. I internalize criticism in a way that hinders my self love.  

Being that competitive also bleeds into my personal life. I sacrifice my own sanity and self care to be there for others. I often think I’ve allowed others to take advantage of me because I’ve belittled my own value. 

Bottom line - if you try to win and be the best at everything, you will fail. Life is not a race. Life is not a game. Finding ways to cheer yourself on for how awesome you are and not allow the other pieces to become your failures is what matters. Not being the best at something does not mean you are worth any less than anyone else.  

The beauty in life is that human beings compliment each other. We have things we are amazing at and things others are amazing at - that’s the only possible way for this world to keep spinning.  

The only way to win at life is to be the best version of yourself you can be and to love yourself because of who you are - and all that entails.  

I'm sorry

Part of growing and accepting myself has revolved around not being sorry for existing. Women specifically have often been taught to exist quietly. We apologize often, beg off compliments, and often try our best to blend in.

I’ve never been able to blend in. And I never will be.

I am forever guilty of begging off compliments, sharing credit when its mine to own, and apologizing for being a really big personality.

It’s exhausting.

And the more I grow and love myself, the more people are intimidated by that. I’ve been called arrogant, too much, bossy - honestly I’ve heard it all.

When you choose to love yourself, to stop apologizing for existing, you have to accept that not everyone is so brave. They may try to break you down because they cannot do what you have done. That is not yours to own.

Start recognizing when you apologize or belittle yourself. Take the time to stop, correct the behavior, and move forward. The more you do so, the more you’ll find you stop apologizing.

I’m not saying I’ve mastered the art of this skill. I have my moments where I make myself smaller to make others comfortable. But I’m trying.

The fun part about refusing to be sorry is that the less I do it, the more confident I am. I love myself more. I get this insane sense of faith in myself and what I can do for this world.

Who are you to shrink yourself to make others comfortable? What if you could change the world but you stayed small because you weren’t able to stand up and say I won’t apologize because I have so much to give. I say it often because it seems to prove true with each day - but you have one life. One chance to get the most out of it. Would you rather simply exist or unapologetically thrive?

How to Be an Ally

Recently I sat in on a talk about diversity and inclusion. A woman spoke about her experience as the only woman in a male dominated office environment and the things often difficult positions she found herself in as a result of that. During one particular situation, one of her male colleagues stood up for her in a small but powerful way. And she never forgot that because he made her feel like she had an ally.

I have often spoke about some similar situations in the workplace. Similarly, in my experience, the fact that I felt so alone is what made the situation feel so awful. I never had anyone who stood up for me.

Feeling alone for being different is a really scary thing to deal with. We all have differences that make us self conscious or hyper aware of what is making us different than everyone else in the room. Instead of making someone feel badly for those differences, celebrate them. Everyone deserves to feel accepted. What makes us different is also what makes us uniquely ourselves.

The most important thing I know in life is that just because I am not like someone else does not mean I cannot empathize with their struggles.

The lesson of this being to show up for people as an ally. Be brave enough to make people feel included at work, at home, in social settings. It may seem like a very small thing but it can change someone’s life and create a cycle of positive inclusive behavior in the world.

Imagine how uncomfortable you feel when you feel like you’re standing out in a negative way. I think about how I’ve been treated as the only woman in some spaces and how worthless I felt as a result of the actions and words of others. I know what it’s like to be put into situations where you’re valued as less than everyone else in the room. I don’t want anyone else to feel that way (that whole empathy thing).

It often takes very little to speak up but has a profound effect on the life of someone else.

When you’re in situations that are uncomfortable or you see others feeling uncomfortable, speak up. Especially when something is not right. When someone is being belittled for their differences, speak up.

Outside of speaking up, be an active participant in being part of the solution. That way, when the time comes to speak up, you’re more empowered to do so.

How to Educate Yourself/Be an Everyday Ally

Communicate

The easiest way to educate yourself is to speak to people who are different than you. People who have differences you have never experienced. Ask them about their experiences. And listen. Actively sit back and listen. When you have questions, ask them. The point is to go into these conversations with an open mind and a willingness to learn and be vulnerable with your own misunderstandings.

Support Minority Businesses

Actively choose to not only shop local, but shop local in communities you don’t identify with. Read books by women. Shop at a black owned business. Eat at an LGBTQ owned restaurant. Attend a Latin art show. Find ways to consume goods and engage in events that are sponsored and put together by those in minority communities. I say minority specifically because a lot of the world is run by white men, you’re already supporting those businesses essentially every single day.

Write a List

Sit down and write a list of the things that provide you privilege and write a list about the things that make you different. It’s two fold in understanding what areas in life you don’t struggle in simply because of how you were born. It’s also about facing areas that make you insecure and imagining how others may feel because of differences they were born with. This step teaches you compassion.

Separate Fact from Fiction

Do your research on things like Black Lives Matter, gay marriage, transgender lives. Don’t participate in headlines and what you hear in the media. Actively form your own opinions based on what these people really face and why their messages are so important. We have got to stop participating in the culture of misinformation and outrage because its cool. Do your homework.

Consume Media that doesn’t make you the hero

Look for movies, books, music, art that features people who are not like you. White? Find a movie that makes a black person the hero. Straight? Find books featuring LGBTQ romances. I’m not saying give up media you enjoy, just expand your experiences.

There are so many ways to be an ally. Everyone in the world wants to feel included and celebrated for what makes them different. Don’t forget that there’s power in being the person who stands up for that. One day you may need someone to stand for you.

The Tipping Point

Let’s get a little controversial today and talk tipping. Personally, I think we’ve gotten to a place in America where tipping is expected rather than earned. Let’s get that out of the way right now. And let’s also note I’ve spent some solid time in the service industry so I firmly relate to the brutal grind that life entails. Yet I firmly believe that a tip should not be implied.

It’s a slippery slope and while I don’t believe in simply tipping as a requirement, I do reward really good service. I’ve tipped 40% before because service was above and beyond my expectations. So it’s not that I’m cheap. It’s that I believe in giving your best and earning the over and above of what the bottom line is.

I want to break down some scenarios.

The Where: Restaurant

The What: The food is bad

I don’t penalize the server for this. It’s not going to take away from a tip because the server didn’t cook the meal. If it’s so bad I have to send it back, I’m still not deducting from the tip. To me, this isn’t a service issue. Get a manager if you must, but if the meal is taken off the bill, you still owe a tip.

The Where: Restaurant

The What: The server is rude

I’m deducting from the tip. I get it, the server has to tip out the bar back, the runner, etc. Then I suggest the server has a better attitude. Plain and simple.

The Where: Hair Salon

The What: Bad haircut

I’m not deducting from the tip if they can fix the mistake. If another stylist has to fix the mistake, I’m paying one tip. If it’s so bad I need to go to a different salon, I’m honestly probably lobbying not to pay at all.

The Where: Hair Salon

The What: All is normal and good

Ok so in general I’ve learned across the board that tipping at a salon is inconsistent. I know some people who tip $15 no matter what. I had bee tipping 20% consistently. But then I realized that can get absurd on top of some really steep prices. I honestly hover closer to 15% these days. If it’s a tough job, I’ll get to the 20%. But if you’re just trimming my hair, I’ll probably stick closer to the flat $10.

The Where: Restaurant

The What: The server makes consistent mistakes

I’ll probably honestly ask for the manager. If the situation is corrected or some sort of consolation is offered, I’ll keep the tip at 20%. If it’s never acknowledged and the place isn’t busy, I’m deducting from the tip.

The Where: Bar

The What: Takes forever to get a drink

Eh, honestly across the board I’m tipping $1 a drink. If I’m at a place serving craft cocktails that are an art form, I’ll go $2 a drink. I can’t remember a time I ever didn’t tip or left something less than $1/drink.

Ok so most of these have to do with restaurants. But honestly, that’s where I’m hearing the most controversy these days so that’s what I’m addressing. I think tipping is such a sensitive topic because it’s such a brutal industry to be in if you’re working for tips. I feel for you, but I also don’t think you get a pass just for existing in that industry.

Plain and simple, I think tipping should be earned, not expected. The service industry is based on service. Are the people well paid? Generally no. Is it an easy job? No. But it’s also a choice to work in that industry. Maybe I’m harsh, but if I don’t do my job, I get fired. If I’m bad at my job, I get in trouble and probably don’t get a raise. If you’re at your job and you want a tip, be a generally pleasant and effective human being please.

What are your thoughts?

The Buddy System

With the high rates of depression and suicide in the news these days, the world has been encouraging each other to check up on people around us. And to really do it. To say “hey, are you ok?” and listen to that answer.

The more we show up for each other and truly listen to what we are saying, the more we are able to say “I’m here for you.” That’s a really powerful thing. We live in a time where people are more connected than ever but feeling lonelier than ever.

It’s also really easy to get caught up in our own lives. We are all busy trying to survive and thrive and that’s ok. It’s ok to know when you really need to be in the zone and focus on yourself.

Here’s what I’m finding though: when my team checks on me, I feel more accountability to check in with myself. It also forces me out of whatever hermit life I’ve sometimes sunken into and encourages me to engage. When people ask me how I’m doing and honestly want an answer, my heart grows times ten. I feel valued, respected, and heard.

The people in my life have really shown up for me in a buddy system way lately and I’m so grateful for it. I have lived so long as the one you don’t check up on. The one everybody knows is going to be ok. And while that may be very true, it does not mean I don’t struggle. The more my humans show up for me, the more I want to open up and share my life with them. It makes me feel safe, something I don’t often feel when it comes to sharing my life with others.

The point is, show up and create a buddy system. We all struggle. We all need that check in once in awhile to get through the dark times. Work with your inner core to get the phone tree going. Never let your people feel alone. Find a way to spend 5 minutes each day saying hey, I’m here for you, whatever you need.

Often times people don’t want to ask for help, or don’t know how. They may even beg off support. But we all need it. Whether that be delivering meals, sending a text, sitting with someone in silence, find a way to show up. Showing up is what matters.

Think of it like being a little kid. You had to have a buddy who you were responsible for. Ya;ll had to stick together and get each other through the day. This is what you’ve been training for. Stick with that buddy and get them through the day.

Love Me Some Me

Recently there is a movement for self love. And that’s a movement I am here for. As someone who spent years unsure of who she was and who still continues to struggle to show myself the love I so freely give others, I deeply appreciate this moment in time.

I love love. I love celebrating Valentine’s Day. I’m here for the engagement announcements, the weddings, the new relationship love - all of it is such a positive time. I’m here for celebrating love. And the love I want to celebrate most of all in life is self love.

For the 300th time, because I’ve certainly written about this before, if you do not love yourself, you will not have a successful relationship with anyone else. You may find a mate, marry them, spend the rest of your life with them - but unless you’re also deeply in love with yourself, that forever love is not at its best.

Self love is a constantly evolving process. I don’t know many people who feel rainbows and unicorns about themselves 100% of the time. I certainly have my off days and I think that’s ok. You can’t be on 100% of the time. But if most of the days you can say I love who I am, that’s a huge win.

For me, the first step in learning to love myself was to get honest with myself. I had to first drop all of the lies I told myself and I had to write down what I don’t love about who I am. For example, when I was in my 20’s and single, I would tell myself I loved that life. The truth? I wasn’t comfortable being single. I pretended to enjoy it but I was not happy without a partner, which is why I was always talking to or dating someone. Now, I’m very comfortable single because I understand that having a good relationship is what counts. Being single doesn’t make me less than like I thought it once did.

Writing down the things I dislike about myself is still to this day a really powerful thing for me. It’s saying out loud the pieces I think are awful. And then it’s understanding WHY I feel that way. Because a lot of those things are actually absurd or they’re things that others love about me. When you write these things out, they’re tangible and you’re forced to dive into perspective. I’m most often able to easily eliminate a few of those by simply working through the feelings behind the insecurity. And the rest, I take to therapy or I work on how I can adjust them to not be a daily hindrance to my self love.

Another example - I’ve been an athlete my entire life. That means a lot of my self worth is directly connected to my body. Having to train sometimes 4-5 hours a day, meant that for most of my life, I had a pretty dang bangin bod. I also am blessed to have great metabolism. But when I stopped being a competitive athlete, hit 30, didn’t always eat as healthy - my body shape changed. I’m not 130 pounds of pure muscle anymore. I’m curvy, sometimes I’d dare say I feel chubby. Body dysmorphia is something I’ve struggled with on and off since I can remember. I have to remind myself often that my body has been through a lot. And it’s given me some of the best moments of my life. And I make myself thankful for those things. I’m extra mindful when I’m not body positive and I do things that make me feel good about myself. I do fitness activities that make me feel confident. I don’t workout to punish myself, I workout because it’s something I love to do. I’ll change my diet to be a little healthier. And I cut myself a break during Holidays or vacations when I indulge more. I am patient with myself.

Something that is also really helpful for me is to write on post its things I love about myself and leave the notes around my home, car, and office where they’ll serve as reminders throughout the day. It’s silly and may not work for you, but I’m easily motivated. When I read these positive reinforcements I think to myself - HELL YEA YOU ARE! If I really need some love, I’ll ask my friends to tell me what they love most about me. Often times our friends love the quirks about us that we may even consider negative. Again, perspective helps.

I hope this Valentine’s Day you’re celebrating lots of love with the people around you that you love. I hope you see this day as a day for everyone, more specifically and most importantly - for YOU. Celebrate your love with those most important to you, but celebrate the most important relationship (the one with yourself) FIRST.

Happy hearts and love day sequins!