Unconscious Bias

I’m pretty "woke.” I like to stay informed fight for equality, talk to people that are nothing like me. But I am not perfect. And I’ve got a lot of unconscious biases to move away from.

The other day I made a comment about a photo and how in the Lululemon ad it looked like the woman had a penis in her leggings. In no way was it meant to be negative towards the trans community. It was more poking fun at Lululemon, a company famous for its biases towards really thin women. My coworker made a really valid point: women can have penises too.

It didn’t matter that I didn’t mean any offense. It could be offensive to someone. I get it, we are all so very offended these days. But this falls into the category of something that I could put effort into being more aware. I believe it is my responsibility as a feminist to make everyone feel equal and loved.

I’m also not saying I should feel guilty or like I did anything wrong. The truth is, I’ve grown up in a very straight hetero normative world. That’s really all I’ve known because its my experience. I have to unlearn those experiences to some extent to welcome in new norms.

Why is this important? Why can’t everyone just “be less sensitive?” Sure, we can go that route, and that’s fine if that’s really how you want to live. I personally believe in equality. I want to experience that for myself and for future generations. So I’m willing to put in a little extra work, to ensure that I’m changing my unconscious biases and making the world easier for others.

I think we’ve actually become less sensitive and more selfish. We get so outraged and point so many fingers and instead of figuring out what something means, we just lash out. We are uninformed and we aren’t talking to each other and that’s creating a lack of safe space for really everyone.

Instead of becoming angry or defensive - take a deep breath. Have the conversation with an open mind. And if ultimately a little compassion and a little extra effort on your part can make someone else more comfortable, how is that not worth the energy? I’d hope that someone would do the same for me. We all have to live here, let’s make it livable.

A Case of the Sads

Anxiety has been a constant in my life as long as I can remember. As a child I was misdiagnosed with depression but thankfully, that’s not ever been something I’ve dealt with.

Recently though, I’ve had random cases of the “sads.” It’s never a long term thing, and it’s never as horrible as stories I’ve heard from others who truly suffer from it — but it’s not pleasant to go through.

I didn’t even understand it at first. The feeling of general just sad and the inability to know why. It' was an overwhelming lack of energy, not wanting to be social and a loss of appetite. For someone who doesn’t experience those things, I found it especially unsettling.

Thankfully, I have tools in place to manage my mental health in a really positive way.

I prioritized therapy, spoke up to the people around me, and I took the time I needed for self care.

I don’t have depression. So it’s a lot easier for me to sit here and say I did those three things and I pulled myself out of the darker time. However, regardless of what mental health struggles you have - you have to prioritize managing it.

It’s really easy to say that you have anxiety or depression and sit on that as a crutch in life. Sometimes people even use it to excuse really bad behavior. And that’s all it is, an excuse.

Having a mental illness is not an excuse to be a bad person.

Having a mental illness does make life a little harder day to day. Sometimes a lot harder. And I think that means that you can ask people to be patient with you, but it does not mean you can ask people to accept you if you refuse to help yourself.

Mental illness isn’t fair, and neither is life. You have to put in the work. You have to utilize the resources available to you (and I do realize I am privileged to have all the resources I do). There are resources. Some have to work harder to get to them, but they are there.

Most of all, it really starts with acknowledging what you deal with and committing yourself to putting in the work to exist day to day.

Some days I’m at my worst, and I need to step away from people and places in order to just be by myself and process. And some days I have to ask for help - something I’m very uncomfortable with. None of it is easy, but it is important.

Bottom line, it’s ok to have the sads sometimes. It’s ok to feel complete overwhelming anxiety. Never be ashamed of those things. It’s not ok to use those ailments as a crutch as you operate through life.

Thankful in 2019

It’s time for my annual Thanksgiving post! This year I am thankful for fierce female friendships.

It’s no secret that I am a passionate feminist. Truly we all should be. Equality is important and women empowering women, that just gives me all the feels.

I’m thankful for the women in my life who are showing me that I’m a strong, loyal, loving, kind, and fabulous person. I’m thankful when they support me without judgment. I am thankful when they call me out when I’m not giving my best. I am thankful they love me fiercely always.

I’ve never been one to trust easily. I am much more a independent human than I am with a pack. But I am also extremely loyal and identify strongly as a team player.

Having women in my life who show me that I can trust them, come to them when I need help, and that they’re on my team too - that’s something that I never knew I could have.

This Thanksgiving, I am so thankful for you my fierce female squad. You absolutely know who you are and I just love you so much for showing me that women can be anything, everything, none of the things, whatever we want to be. You are my team, my family, and I am forever grateful for you.

I think I have feelings

My entire life I thought that I was someone who just didn’t have feelings. I’ve claimed to be unemotional since I can remember.

I’ve always associated that with being tough. Strong. And positive.

Recently, I think I have discovered that I have feelings. Like a whole fucking lot of feelings.

And that’s weird. And almost shameful.

I don’t quite know how to unpack that.

But you guys, I think I actually have a lot of feelings. That I’m actually extra in the feels. I have every feel. All of them. And I feel them very deeply.

Not really sure why not one of you ever told me this. In fact a lot of you have accused me of being cold. Aloof. Uncaring. About all the things in the book that mean I’m essentially a soulless being.

Not one of you was like hey wait a minute maybe she actually has some sensitivity but she was taught that feelings are bad and to store them in this box in the back of the storage unit.

I think that’s why happened. I’m an athlete from a family of athletes and by accident, I was raised to keep my emotions to myself.

To be fair I’ve also had my fair share of traumas and eventually you learn to cope because of those. You learn to protect yourself, build a front and survive.

All I know is to be super passionate and over the top, but to still keep actual feelings very much hidden. I’m not sure how that’s even worked logistically but it does and it looks like rainbows and sunshine and fierce voices but also never saying the words “I feel.”

Now I think that I have a lot of feels. I think they’ve always been there but I have not felt safe to share them. I truly associate having emotions with weakness. Even today acknowledging that is an absurd belief, I find it hard to give it up.

I am ashamed if I ever show a real emotion. Happiness and excitement are my default. But if there are tears or fear or intense anger, you need to leave the room, I need to leave the room. Someone needs to blow up this room and we all need to pretend that this never occurred.

If this were a program, I’d be at step one. Realistically I know this is unhealthy, unsustainable, and unrealistic. But I’m also really not at the point that I’ve started trying to be better. Like I have, and then I haven’t. There’s been some casual toe in the water but a really really quick foot back in the shoe and on a run somewhere else.

So where I’m at is step one. I’m admitting to me, myself, I — and the 3-5 people who read this blog that I’ve got a really big problem. And I’ve got a lot of really big emotions. I feel a lot of things very deeply. For a really long period of time.

I guess what’s next is figuring out how to not run from that.

Shine On

I recently discovered Reese Whitherspoon’s new Netflix show ‘Shine On.’ And by discoverer, I mean binge watched the entire season in one night.

I have always been a Reese fan. She’s a vocal advocate for speaking up because it’s the right thing to do. She’s a woman who refuses to be defined by any societal standards. She’s a badass boss. A Southern Belle. And what I can only imagine is a fierce force of nature.

This series inspires me. I’m easily inspired in that I already heavily relate to the women’s empowerment movement. I love that we are teaching women to love themselves, celebrate what makes them unique, and to speak up for what we believe in.

I’d been having a tough day after a tough couple of weeks. Quite frankly, I’d been experiencing some depression, uncontrollable anxiety, and a bit of hopelessness. So dramatic, but also so very real and not something I want to hide from.

I know it’s a Netflix show, but it has left me inspired. And motivated. And hopeful.

And I think we need to hold on tight to the things that make us feel sunshine. It all really got me thinking that there are a whole lot of simple things that are magic.

I am a big moments girl. I love the big changes. The huge occasions. Maybe that’s why I feel things so deeply.

But that’s not life. Life is all of the things in between that keep you going. Its the moments in life that make you laugh and cry and feel whole.

So I am thankful for shows like this that remind me life is a really really long journey. It’s a lot of things that are hard and wonderful and everything in between.

I am thankful lately for the people in my life who remind me that I am wonderful — full stop. I’m not too much and I’m not too loud and I’m strong and it is ok to not be strong all the time. It’s ok to let go. It’s ok to not have big moments every single day.

And it’s really ok to grow out of needing to run every time things get uncomfortable.

I think that having little things - like shows filled with superwomen - make the days better.

Figure out what makes you feel like sunshine. And shine on

This has nothing to do with me.

The older I get, the more I find that most of the negative things people say about me out loud — are the insecurities they’re saying to themselves inside.

It took me a very long time to find confidence. I grew up with an intense need to succeed. To be perfect. To work until I was the best. That has continued well into my adulthood. It’s consumed me a lot longer than I like to admit.

At 34, I am thankfully in a place that I am confident more days than I am not. I love myself more than I dislike myself. I find more good in who I am than more faults.

And that is why I find it much easier than I used to brush off negative feedback from others. I also find a little compassion helps my mental health when others choose to go low.

The truth is, not everyone loves themselves. Because of that, they often want others to feel the same pain they do. Misery loves company.

I am not traditional in any sense of the word. I am not beautiful by industry standards. I have not followed the career path you’re supposed to. I’m not a quiet well behaved woman. I love those things about me. I am infinitely confident in who I am and the life I’ve created. I know what it took to get where I am at, to love all of the things that make me unconventional.

That makes me an easy target for people who do not love themselves. More often than you’d believe, people love to share their opinions about me. From how I look to what I say to how I’ve gone on my career journey. And that used to drive me insane.

I would allow it to stress me out, make me angry, and it was hard for me to move past. At times I’d say I even allowed me to go onto a deep depression depending on who the feedback came from.

Now, I remind myself that what others have to say has very little to do with me and a whole lot more to do with them.

Life is hard for everyone. It’s certainly unique to everyone. No two stories are the same. Minding your own business and remembering that others failure to do the same, that’s just none of your own business. The negative things that others have to say about you. They are a reflection of the ugly they feel about themselves. And quite frankly, if you project that ugly on others — while I have compassion for you, I will not allow you to continue to throw that ugly at me.

I shine really really bright. Too bright for some people in fact.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, what others think of you — that’s truly none of your business.

110% x 2

I can never give less than 200% on anything. I’m not a casual do anything type of human. If I’m not jumping all in, I’m out.

Awhile back I spoke about realizing that not everyone is me. I took that to heart. At work I am especially type A and am far above and beyond 110% max effort. It’s not always a good thing as I can absolutely blur the lines of giving too much to the job.

When I wrote about learning to acknowledge that not everyone operates at the same level, I was very much in a state of constant stress and anxiety because I was unable to effectively cope with other people who don’t work hard.

It was physically and mentally taking a toll on my health and I had to stop. So I did. I changed my focus, I set boundaries, and I have chosen to step away from anything that isn’t serving me in a positive way.

The truth is - there are a lot of people who exist in the bare minimum, whether they realize it or not. And that’s ok. If you’re meeting the requirements of your job, the rest is none of my business. Honestly, even if you’re not, that’s also none of my business if I am not your boss.

I inherently want people to step it up because I know they have the ability to be better. So I can easily become frustrated when people, teams, and companies are not meeting the level of excellence possible with effort. That’s exactly what happened.

I’m the one who speaks up. To leadership and to my team to say don’t you want to be the best? Don’t you want to challenge yourself and hold yourself accountable for more? But here is the critical line you have to draw - if people do not want to go there, or if leadership is not pushing everyone to that place - it is not your responsibility to keep pushing.

So I stopped. I stopped speaking up. I started focusing on my own efforts and future goals and I’ve decided to stay in my lane. Where I belong.

I cannot control anyone but myself. Any efforts to deviate from that are only putting me in an unhealthy place. And that’s not worth it. I am an overachiever. I am good at what I do. And my company is lucky to have me. That is what my focus needs to be.

It has taken me a really long time to get this through my head.

Like years and years. Because everywhere you go, that’s how life and work operate. There are those who give it their all, and those who are simply there to get a paycheck. If it’s not your company, if you are not the boss — it is not your responsibility to force anyone to jump up a level. It’s simply not.

I know that some of my colleagues past and present have felt that same frustration. I think we all have a level of complaining that we do to each other in order to cope. And that’s ok. But again, focus on what is healthy. The controllable. Harness your energies for spaces you can affect in a positive way. And forget the rest.

Life in the type A space - like the extreme type A space - it’s frustrating. I think that’s why a lot of former athletes struggle after sports. We don’t know anything but competing to be better. We simply don’t know how to stop holding ourselves and others accountable for that.

But at some point, for your health and others — you’ve got to realize not everyone is you, and that is ok. The team sport becomes an individual race, and you can still push yourself. I hope that you do in fact. Yet remember, becoming the best you, that means learning to harness your energies for good and not becoming a negative influence on yourself or others.

Happy Birthday to ME!

I am 34 today! Which seems wildly old and wildly young all at the same time!

I love a good celebration of birth. Since I was a wee sequin, I really got on board with celebrating birthdays to the max. I just love a good day of sparkles and happiness and focusing on me!

It’s also such a fun way to reflect on the year before, the year ahead, and all that entails.

This year was completely unexpected. I left Texas to move back to Northern California to work in an entirely new industry, entirely new role, and to a job I didn’t even apply to. I was actively looking for a new role, but to be recruited by one of the biggest brands in the world was both terrifying and flattering all at once.

I sincerely had no idea what this year would bring and no expectations on this life change.

It’s been all the things. A blessing, a challenge — and all of the in between too. I don’t know if staying in the Bay Area is really the best fit for me long term, but for the first time, I do feel like I’m with a company I want to stay with long term.

Personally, I’ve worked harder than ever before to commit to therapy, actively put myself before work, and get out of my comfort zone with travel/friendships/relationships.

I actually struggled a lot with feeling “old” and having to fit into societal norms of what that means, something I never really thought I’d struggle with. But 34 seems like a weirdly better age than 33? I don’t know why and I realize that makes no sense, but neither do I.

34 feels like it’s going to be a freaking cool year because of all the possibilities in life. I’m traveling more, I’m going after the next step in my career at Google Cloud, and I’m saying yes more to the things I need to be healthy and happy.

Age is just a number, but I’m an athlete. And to us, numbers are everything. They’re the wins, the loses, the identity - the truly define our world. I’ll never grow out of identifying numbers with positives and negatives.

So for 34, I’m giving a cheers to me, myself, I and all the adventures to come! How lucky am I to be in a place that all my dreams are not only possible, they’re something I can see in front of me?

And for those of you who know that every year on my birthday I check something off my bucket list, I’m spending the day in a true spa day! I’ve never been able to manage the financials nor the time of a spa day but this year, I am making that happen!

Shrink Your Circle

Growing up and for far too long in my 20’s, I had a really large circle of friends. No new friends was not a concept to me. I wanted to continue to expand my circle as large as possible so that I always had something to do. Shit was exhausting.

I think or a lot of us, our 20’s are for fun and adventure. I had the best time and did all of the things. All of them. And I loved it.

But I’m 33 now (34 next week!) and I’m tired. I want to do more meaningful things with more complex people.

Lately as I’ve cut back my circle of friends, I realized that for someone who has prided them-self on not being a people pleaser, I sure cared a lot about not disappointing others. I worried about disappointing people by not making time for them, I stressed about saying no to plans - I wanted to hang onto relationships that no longer served me.

It is going to be awkward to end friendships. It can bring on tough conversations that don’t make you feel good. But it is essential to do so in order to save your sanity. In a lot of cases, you can really Irish exit the friendship. And that’’s my kind of ending. But in other cases, you’ll have to be blunt and have the conversation.

We all know I have anxiety. I’m high strung. I’m a dweller. So keeping people in my life who cause me stress, that’s a really unhealthy way to live. My life is already a daily struggle of “why can’t I be calm and cool” so it’s critical to cut off the unnecessary stress - like people.

I’ve talked about this before, and I think I made a sort of effort to it, but recently I’ve sincerely committed to it. I had been so unhealthy for so long in allowing other people to have too much control over my well being that I was either going to break or make a change. I chose to change.

And it’s been nothing but magic. The people that love me know when I pull away for a bit, it’s just because life is happening. The people that aren’t my circle, welp, they start to understand they’ve gotten the boot.

You are the CEO of your life. You owe it to the success of your ‘business’ to hire, fire, and promote accordingly.

Sparking Joy

A big priority for me lately has been to do things that spark joy. I get that we are no longer in a Marie Kondo moment, but it has stuck with me. In everything that I do - I want to spark joy.

In that spirit - starting next week, I will only be posting a blog weekly. One a week. That’s it.

I love writing, it’s an outlet for me. I never started this blog with the intention of becoming famous or anything but using it as a platform for myself and the few people who read it.

But my life is really busy lately. I’m doing a million things in my career, a million things in my personal life, and having to post twice a week, very week - it has become a chore, adding stress instead of sparking joy.

Until my life slows down a little bit, I’m going to slow down how often I post. I never want writing to become tedious for me. I want it to stay something I’m passionate about and enjoy doing.

I realize this affects probably 3-5 people, so thanks for continuing to keep up and follow along with my life and opinions.

Life lesson - if something becomes a stress for you, stop doing it. Adjust your day. Or adjust your attitude if you cannot give that thing up for the time being. Joy matters, and it is really important to prioritize. It’s also an effective over simplified way to keep yourself in check each day.

Spark joy.