Excess Baggage

A lot of the stigma surrounding mental health deals with the baggage we carry because of the journey we are on. It's entirely possible that by sharing these parts of me, I'm causing some people to choose to not engage with me. People who don't understand mental illness often don't want to deal with the extra energy that it can take to be in a relationship with someone who suffers from anxiety or depression or bi polar disorder.

Honestly, that's a risk I'm willing to take.

I'm already a lot to deal with. I'm high energy, high expectations - I'm the definition of extra. My anxiety is the least of my concerns when it comes to what makes me a lot to invest in.

However, I can definitely see how suffering from a mental illness can make one self conscious when it comes to relationships. It is a little bit harder, a little bit more work to love someone who ebbs and flows. Who has unexplained anxiety. Irrational fears. Our stories are a bit more colorful.

I guess I look at it like this: my anxiety is a big part of who I am. While it does not control my life, it does accentuate it, and if someone doesn't get that part of me, they're not for me.

Certainly during times when I'm not managing my anxiety well I'm probably harder to love. For the most part, I'm actively engaged in managing my mental health and its not an issue. But my anxiety, the things that have happened to give me the anxiety, all of it makes me who I am. If you can't come to terms with embracing those pieces of me, you don't get to have the rest of me.

If you are in a relationship with someone who suffers from a mental illness, or you suffer from one yourself, the key to success is communication. Be open and transparent about what you are dealing with, what your triggers are, how you are working to manage, and how your partner can best support you.

What is never acceptable is to allow mental health to dictate the terms of your relationship. You cannot blame it for problems. You cannot use it as an excuse. And you cannot tolerate emotional or physical abuse because of it. These are always unacceptable.

Where you can accept it is when its a trigger or in a bad place. Understand that your partner is struggling and as long as they're working to control that, be a source of support. Continue to remind them they're wonderful and more than their mental illness. Encourage them to keep committed to treatment, whatever that looks like for them.

I get it, I come with extra baggage, but when you think about it, don't we all? I don't know a lot of people who come with a clean slate in a relationship. For some, it's trust issues. For others, it's insecurity. And for me, it's my anxiety. The point is, we all carry baggage. Mental illness just seems scarier because it's medical and has so much stigma surrounding it.

If I lose out on a partner because of it, that's the wrong partner for me. And if you lose out because of your baggage, that's not the right partner for you. We are all carrying around different size bags. It's about finding someone to help carry your bag for you. To me, a real partnership is sharing each other's bags and finding that it all evens out because of the teamwork we've committed to bring to the table.

TWO!

TWO YEARS! For two years I've managed to write and publish THREE blogs a week to this little pet project of mine. And while I'm still not famous and not sponsored by anyone, I am consistently putting content into the universe and people are consistently reading what I've got to say.

In many ways, each blog is very much part of my journey and what I'm going through at each stage in my life. I'd love to say that I write what I think is relevant in the world, and some of that may be true, but for the most part its relevant to my life at any given moment. If I'm proud of anything, it's my consistent commitment to being authentic.

I started this journey because I have a passion for writing and a need to be more open about my feelings and the things I've been through in life. I have a unique journey, a loud voice, and a way with words. If I'm able to share my voice and experiences and even one person finds comfort in that, I feel good. Selfishly, I also find comfort in the feedback from readers. And I find release from saying the things I share out loud.

In two years I've changed a lot. Like a lot a lot. I like to think I've changed for the better but often times I suffer setbacks. I like to go back and read things I've published and see how I've changed my opinions, feelings, and actions. I stand by everything I write because it's truly who I was and how I believed at that time. But there's something to be said for being able to tangibly read about that time in my life.

So the lesson for two? Reflect. Keep a journal, even if it's short blurbs and thoughts, write down where you're at and force yourself to go back and review what those thoughts/opinions were. Reflect on how they make you feel now. Are you happy? Shocked? Appalled? Confident? Take time to reflect on the growth or lack thereof.

Invest in yourself through the time you spend both logging these things in a notebook and in the time you spend reviewing those musings. It's so easy to forget times in our lives that are often inconsequential at the time. When you review them later, sometimes they've been defining moments or eye opening thoughts. Things I've never really thought twice about have become turning points. People I didn't think played a role in my life now have taught me some of the biggest lessons.

Realistically, how do you grow if you don't invest in reflecting upon who you were then and now? Two years for me is 312 blogs. Some completely frivolous in hindsight like costumes and hair care. But some are political and social and feelings based. And even the frivolous ones, they give you some insight of how I was prioritizing things in my world. But that's 312 little pieces that tell me who I was, how I was feeling, and what I was believing at any given moment. And that's 312 opportunities to reflect and decide do I feel that way now? Do I believe those things now? Is there room to learn/grow/be better?

How are you carving out time to reflect? Do you take time to invest in yourself and who you are? Do you consider who you want to be? Do you learn how to get there? Are you feeling empty or missing something? How are you going to fix that? Are you proud of changes over time?

There are so many questions and opportunities to reflect. And so many opportunities to be happier, live better, and enjoy more. Sigh, the cliche is true. You get one shot. One chance to make the most of this journey. Take the time to make it a life you can say you did your best to live authentically as your best you. It's never ever easy, but it's always worth it. You invest so much in others, why aren't you deserving of the same?

Diary of An Anxious Person, Part 324832

I've avoided an anxiety update for some time now. In therapy I have been spending a lot of time exploring past trauma and understanding how that affects who I am now. And it's exhausting.

I never really understood the concept of emotional exhaustion. For me it has always been easy to push feelings aside and move forward. They have been within my control for as long as I can remember. Even the traumas in my life have been contained to parts of my brain that are locked away.

I'm not sure I've even been aware of the fact that talking about these traumas has caused me to feel them emotionally. I've oddly been able to talk about the trauma (with a very select group of people) in an almost scientific way. I can explain what happened without revealing any emotion. That hasn't changed.

What has changed is the linking of the trauma to the way I am now and the anxieties I allow to control me because of those traumas. I am more aware of why I act or react in certain situations because I'm talking with my therapist about them.

And even more, I'm remembering and revealing situations that were traumatic but that I had buried away. Things people have said to me, done to me, and have treated me that I had apparently simply stored away as a way to cope.

I am now seeing that my fear of small spaces, need to constantly be prepared for the worst (and formulate a plan of action) are a result of experiences in my past.

So when I'm anxious in an elevator, crowd, or near a stranger, I start to think of these traumas and understand why I'm feeling as anxious as I am. And it becomes a spiral. I start to reflect on being attacked or in an active shooter situation when I get those prickles of fear on my neck.

What I've learned is I've never truly talked about those traumas or how they made me feel. And because of that, my body created responses to protect itself. I'm living in a state of heightened awareness and worst case scenario because I've experienced worst case scenario.

But worst case scenario is in fact rare. However, when you store the feelings from those experiences in your brain instead of facing how they make you feel and deal with working through those feelings, you don't allow yourself to be realistic about them. So your body internalizes it and develops a reaction of fight or flight.

And when you constantly deal with situations where maybe you're verbally abused and don't face those abuses head on, you start to believe them. Instead of stopping them in their tracts and saying no, those are not true and not a reflection of me, you allow them to build.

I've got a good 32 years of trauma that I'm only now starting to explore the consequences of. And even dipping a small toe into that world has caused me to become exhausted. I become quiet. Overwhelmed. I shut down. Truly the only person I'm talking to about it all is my therapist. It leaves me drained after each session. But the hope is that I'll eventually learn to process and share these experiences and feelings with the people around me that are so important to my life.

I've shared parts of my trauma here but in all honesty, while I believe in transparency, I don't believe in sharing every piece of me in such a public space. Part of having the honor of keeping an inner circle is keeping certain things to just that circle. Not everyone gets to know me and who I am. I want those important to me to know that they're getting to know the private stories that make me who I am because of how important they are to me.

What that's all caused me to do is experience moments of depression that I haven't had to deal with for a really long time. And that scares me. At one point in my life, a very long time ago, I dealt with very serious depression. So serious that I wasn't sure I wanted to exist in the world anymore. Thankfully, I don't live in that world anymore. I believe in my value and enjoy living. Life, being alive, it's important to me, I love being here. But realizing I have been sad lately has scared me because of that past depression. I'm not even remotely living in a space that I once did. It's more a sadness than a true depression. And thankfully, I know the signs, the triggers and how to bounce back. I also think I have to face that sadness for the traumas in order to move past them. You can't process them without engaging in all the emotional spaces your brain needs to go in order to move on.

Side bar - admitting depression at that level is hard for me, even shameful. But it's a part of my story, a part of my growing and moving on, and it's something a lot of people deal with. I don't want to deny that part of my life, I want to let someone out there facing it know that even the sparkliest, most vivacious people in the world go through things. There's hope, it gets better, and you are worthy of joy.

If I'm scoring where I'm at right now, I'll go 5/10. I'm in a weird space. I find I'm sad sometimes and anxious more often than not. But I don't consider this a dangerous or negative time. I think it's an extremely overdue and necessary space to grow and become better equipped to manage anxiety/depression in the future. You've got to fight for the best parts of your life when you live with mental illness. Unless you're willing to go to the dark and ugly places, you don't ever get to experience the sparkliest and sunniest parts.

I think it's also important to say that just because I'm in a weird place doesn't mean I'm not living my best life. I'm thriving because I'm allowing myself to be in a weird space. I'm putting the effort into have a better tomorrow. And I'm brave enough to share the worst parts of my story because I won't allow them to define the best parts. You don't have to live in extremes of good and bad - you can be happy, confident, engaged, and thriving while still feeling some hard times. It's not a rule that you have to fit into certain boxes to be mentally healthy. It's ok to be equally happy and struggling. The most important thing is to be in tune with what those feelings are, how to manage the hard parts and highlight the good parts.

It's all a balance. It's all a constantly shifting see-saw. You're never going to exist wholly in the highs or lows. Having the tools to manage that see-saw is what matters and how you live the healthiest mental journey possible. Find comfort in knowing we all go dark and we all go light. The best most colorful people allow those times to exist. They sit in them and live in them as much as they can so that they understand how to maximize the world around them. You're not alone. you're not weird. You're you. And that's pretty damn cool.

Career Corner - Part Whatever

It's been a hot minute since I did a piece in our career corner. Today I want to address career education and growth. As we get further in our career, I think its easy to drop off on the focus on learning. We become somewhat experts in our field and bank on the experience we have. The thing is, our industries and the work environment as a whole change so frequently that if you don't spend time seeking out education, you're not going to gain opportunities you otherwise might.

Recently, I've noticed that I've fallen victim to not making time to learn and grow and I absolutely believe it's hurt me as a professional. I refuse to become stale so I'm making a change and getting back into my routine of growing and learning.

First things first, I'm looking at what my company can offer me free. Because free is the best price and a company who offers free continuing education is a company committed to its employees. My company is heavily invested in growth. Through online classes and in person seminars, we are given the opportunity to learn about technical skills as well as industry specific creative trends. I'm making time to attend these.

Next, I'm taking advantage of the talent around me. I'm surrounded by people in various levels of their career and I'm scheduling time to pick their brains. I meet with the younger employees and ask what's new and trendy. I'm sitting with the seasoned vets to ask what they do as leaders in our company. In brainstorms I'm making sure we've got a plan to guide us to the most successful new ideas. I'm listening to every idea and I'm encouraging everyone to participate. The best ideas come from the most unexpected places and every brainstorm should welcome even the wildest ideas. No shaming, no dumb ideas.

I'm a also a big researcher. I'm literally using google to find out what others in my field are doing. I'm walking the streets/halls/courts to see what other brands are doing. I'm calling contacts and asking what the latest technology is. I'm engaging with consumers and attendees to ask what they like/don't like about what we do. I'm open to feedback and I'm interested in what I've never seen or done. And I'm constantly looking at how I can make those things just a little bit different or better.

Lastly, I'm investing in areas that I know I need improvement. Whether than be a conference, training, or book - I'm spending money to make me a better employee or candidate for a future company. If you don't invest in your skills, how do you expect to be invested in?

The consistent in the working world is that everyone wants the dream job and that job is few and far between. A lot of us are qualified. A lot of us are the perfect candidate or employee. But unless you're expanding your knowledge and what you bring to the table, you're falling behind. And don't give me the I'm too busy crap. We are all busy. Time is a choice. Make time to learn and be better. If you don't someone else will, and that person will get the dream job and they'll keep it because they refuse to become stagnant.

Pop the Bubble

I've moved a lot. I spent 26 years in California and then I left and never stopped moving.

A lot of people question me for it. They ask what I'm running from. They call me flighty. They assume I have no plan. And what that tells me is that they're unsure of who they are.

I'm not running from anything. I've never been flighty about anything in my life. And everything I've ever done stems from an elaborate plan.

What happened was I became brave enough to pop the bubble.

I took a risk, I left everything I ever knew, and I moved to a place where I didn't know a soul.

And it was the single best thing I could have ever done for myself.

Having the courage to completely leave the bubble I was raised in was the scariest thing I have ever done. And at the same time, it's been the most defining moment of my life.

It's given me confidence in who I am and who I can be. I know that no matter what happens, I can do anything. I can pick myself up after any failure and I can achieve all the dreams I set for myself.

That's why I keep moving.

I refuse to get too comfortable. I refuse to stop growing. I refuse to settle for anything less than everything.

If a job, relationship, city doesn't feel right, I leave. Because I can.

Nothing is permanent. No situation is forever. You have the opportunity to change at any given moment if you have the courage and commitment to do so.

I know that if I'm going through a hard time, if I don't like the job I've accepted, the state I've moved to, it's all fixable. Certainly I advise giving all of that time and get to the root of the issue before making any major decisions, but don't let the negativity consume you. Have confidence that you can make a comeback, there are always options.

My only regret is that I waited 26 years to start the adventure. Because that's what it's been, the biggest best adventure of my life. It's the road to learning who I am and what I'm made of. It's getting the opportunity to work at my dream job. And then it's being completely broken when it was the worst job I ever had. It's the the city I never thought I'd love again but fell for in a whole new way. And it's being broken again when circumstances beyond my control forced me to leave that city and spend 6 whole months finding my next adventure. It's all of those and the ones after and the ones yet to come.

The day I dropped my parents off at the airport in Denver and was truly on my own for the first time, I cried. And I don't cry. My best girls actually refer to a bar in Santa Monica as the first time I ever cried because in the 10 years they've known me, that's the only time they've seen me cry. But I cried like a tiny baby the entire hour drive back to my new home. I had never been so far from my support system. I didn't have any friends. I didn't even know where to buy groceries.

I look back on those two years and laugh. The things I didn't know how to do. The fears I had. Look at me now. I'm a professional at moving. An expert at creating a full life in whatever city I land in. I don't even think twice about picking up and driving to a new home halfway across the country. In fact, I thrive on it.

I am fueled by the opportunities to live a life I don't even know about yet. It's exciting to think of the potential out there. I don't fear failure anymore. I fear complacency. I fear not being able to get the most out of my journey. I am so confident in my ability to succeed that I am crazy enough to think that all my dreams can come true.

Stop complaining. Stop wishing for more. Stop being afraid. Pop the freaking bubble. And watch all your limits cease to exist.

The Last Unicorn

A lot of men from my past have recently inserted themselves into my present. Initially I thought it was because of the fabulous woman I've grown into in my 30's. But the more I think about it, the more I think it's because I'm one of the last single unicorns.

They say men mature at a slower rate than women. They don't tend to want to settle down until their mid thirties. Because of that, I think when they hit that age, they start looking around at who's available. And when they do, they start to see the women they knew in the past in a different light.

Quite frankly, you can be the best catch in the world, but if a man isn't ready, it's not going to happen. I've always been a unicorn. Sure, I've had times that I needed to grow through in order to be a good partner, but I am and always have been, a great woman.

Now that the men folk are in their prime marriage phase, they're seeing the catch that I am too. And while that's flattering, a part of me resents the fact that they're just now realizing this.

I live in the camp that if you didn't see how wonderful I was before, I'm not sure you deserve the new and improved even better version that I've grown into.

But there is another camp - one that says I'm potentially missing out on a really great man because I'm too stubborn to issue a second chance.

I get that. And for some men, I think a second chance is okay. If a man has been someone important in my life as a friend and the timing has just been off, that's a man who deserves a chance.

But the man who had his chance before and simply wasn't mature enough, or didn't realize what he had, that's not the man for me. Old habits die hard. And that's not timing, that's who you are.

The one consistent is that no matter who reappears back in my life, in order to stay, you need to treat me as I deserve to be treated.

Something I've been working on in therapy is understanding that I deserve to be pursued. Because I'm a very confident woman who lacks shyness, I'm often the pursuer. I don't want to play games and I don't have the patience for the dance. So I'm usually the one to say let's try this out. But when that becomes a pattern and the man doesn't step up to initiate anything, I become bored and turned off very quickly.

So as these men come back into the picture, or look to turn a friendship into more, I'm looking to see how much effort they're willing to put into that. It's really easy to slip into the DM's or send a text. What else are you going to do to show me you mean what you're throwing into the universe?

And you know what I've found? I think a lot of these men are just hitting an age when they're looking for the last unicorn, but they might not be ready to put the effort in to catch her. I'm also learning, they might not have the guts to really put themselves out there. And some even throw their feelings out there at a time when they're not even romantically available to do so.

Certainly that's not the case for them all. I'm not of the team that thinks all men are bad. That all the good ones are taken or gay. I know a lot of really good men.

A lot of this goes back to dating in our generation. It's that swipe right, text not call, keep it convenient generation. The expectations for each other are low. The options, an app away. So I think a lot of the lazy dating world we live in happens out of habit. We haven't been forced to put the effort in.

But that doesn't mean you have to settle. Wait for the one who shows you that you're worth the phone calls, the big gestures, and the time it takes to invest into the real deal. Being a unicorn means you're special. You're a woman of worth. The more you believe that, the more you demand the people around you are of the same value, the more they'll treat you as such.

Being a unicorn is hard. Not everyone sees how special you are. Not everyone will be deserving of your light. Be okay with that. Be okay with being your own unicorn until the right one can match your sparkle.

Deflect the Reflect

I am a highly reflective individual. I am constantly looking at my past, present, and future and wondering if I made/make the right decision and where to go from here.

The thing is, sometimes you need to deflect the reflect and simply make a decision.

When you constantly spend time and energy to reflect on the past, you often miss out on the present and disrupt the magic of the future.

I'm incredibly type A. I plan everything. I am constantly researching and looking to make the most informed decision. I often think of choices and black and white, right and wrong.

In life, things are most often shades of grey. The lines are most often blurred. It's less about right and wrong and more defined by simply being different. So while you can make what you believe is the right decision, in all reality, it's really just a decision that leads to one possible outcome.

I'm not saying don't reflect on past choices or situations. I'm saying take them with a grain of salt. Do not let them define your present or prevent you from experiencing your best future.

When you reflect on your past, you often imagine it in a very different way than it actually happened. We tend to romanticize, form regret, or even judge ourselves too harshly because of current circumstances. We give the person who broke our heart too much leeway. We blame ourselves for bad things that happened. We regret something we said or did. Realistically, these things are a reflection of how we feel in our present situation.

Something I've been working on is understanding my present. Being really aware of who I am, how I feel, and the relationships I'm currently existing in. And then I'll look to what I want those things to look like moving forward.

Appreciate your past, learn from it, but understand that person and those situations no longer exist. In order to maximize growth and choose paths that best serve you, be present. Develop on the person you are now and who you want to be in the future. It's like having a vision board inside your mind that you're able to adjust based on what's happening in real time.

Deflect the constant need to reflect on your past. You're not going there. You won't be that person again. There's a reason you are who you are and where you are right now. If you want to move forward as the happiest version of you, you're going to have to deflect the reflect and accept the now.

Words are Ridiculous

Hear me out. I love words. As a writer, my heart pitter patters at the proper use of a really good word.

Words are powerful. They invoke feelings of great joy and devastating heartbreak.

But words are also ridiculous.

I've heard the word slut thrown around a lot lately. And I cringe every single time. Have we not moved past that yet? At the very least its unoriginal.

Slut is such a versatile word. I've heard it used to describe a woman's actions to the way she dresses. The only consistent is that it's meant to be derogatory.

It's 2018. 20-MF-18. Slut doesn't belong in our world. A woman's sex life is hers to choose and subject to not one ounce of judgment from anyone else. How little or how many partners she chooses are hers and hers alone to own.

How she dresses is not a representation of her sexual behavior. When we pretend as such, we walk a very dangerous line of "Well look at what she was wearing, she was asking for it." She wasn't. Not one time.

Women are often THE WORST at using this word, even in a playful way it's just stupid and you've got to stop. If we want the rest of the world to be held to a higher standard, we've got to start with ourselves.

There's a whole list of other words that bother me but today, I'm asking you to curb your use of the word slut.

Women deserve better.

Relationship Goals

I freaking hate the idea of relationship goals. You know what my relationship goals are? They're to love myself and have a healthy confident relationship with me, myself, and I. I'd also like to have strong, happy, reciprocal relationships with the people I love around me.

Social media is a highlight reel. It's like Sports Center Top 10 for couples. And I find the couples that aren't in the healthiest, happiest relationships, are the ones posting relationship goals style content the most often.

Relationships are not easy. They're not perfect. When I hear a couple talk about never fighting, I know that couple isn't in a healthy mature place. People fight. Being monogamous takes work. To never disagree, fight, or struggle in your partnership, that's just not realistic.

To that end, its certainly every person's right to post whatever they want on the socials. It's truly nobody's business what you choose to share with the world. Your relationship is yours to put in the world however you see fit.

But I'm a human being. And you're annoying AF when you're out here pretending your love life is rainbows and unicorns when I damn well know your shit is one argument at Taco Bell away from completely imploding. And it is my business if you're sharing those pieces with me but fronting for the rest of the world on Facebook.

In my 20's I shared alllllll of my relationships on social media. I was young and in love and proud of whatever moment I was in. But I'm an adult now. And I know, that for all the times my romantic life seemed like a fairy tale, it certainly wasn't. From the abusive boyfriend who other women gushed about as being a dreamboat, to the one with the drug problem who seemed like a hero, there were flaws. Again, mine to share as I saw fit. But what I've learned is that the healthiest relationships are the ones you rarely see on social media. You catch a photo, a cute tag, but there's not that incessant need to say "look at how happy we are."

The less time you spend posting about your relationship, the more time you spend actually being in the relationship. If you're truly happy and developing a strong partnership, you understand the importance of that existing in the privacy of your personal world.

And for the women (and men) who constantly feel like they're not measuring up to the relationship goals of celebrities and their own friends - remember, what you see on social media, that's a show. It's carefully crafted, controlled content chosen because of the feeling it gives the person posting it. Whether that be genuine joy or compensation for something that's not measuring up, don't buy into the very small picture you see.

Relationship goals are a hashtag, and we all know those don't stay relevant long.

It's Not that Bad.

We've become a nation that settles for not that bad. Whenever a new policy, candidate, SCOTUS appointment, BS thing our President has said comes out - it's an immediate cringe, and then "Well, its not the end of the world."

Sure, the world won't end with any of these things, but do we really want to be a country of "I guess it's not that bad?"

I love America. We've got a lot of growing to do. The current administration has caused us a lot of setbacks, but its also opened our eyes to things a lot of people weren't aware were still a problem.

I'm sick of being told I'm overreacting and being asked "is it really that bad?" when it comes to the state of our government right now. Because yes, if we have to set the bar at "the world won't end," then we've definitely gone too far.

It's a privilege to serve in any role in our government. And a role most are voted into by Americans. That should be taken seriously. When we elect these people into office, they should be held to a higher standard because they're in control of a world that effects millions of Americans.

When you think about the lengths people go through to become Americans citizens, the risks they take to bring their families into our country, how lucky we are to have a lot of the rights and privileges we do here, it should give you pause in how seriously you take the honor of being involved in the governing of it.

America is a powerhouse. We are the most powerful country in the world. The entire world. A good majority of what we do, causes a ripple effect for the rest of the world. That's quite the responsibility to take on. Knowing that, I also think that gives us extra motivation to do this right.

We need leadership that brings respect, authority, intelligence, empathy, and pride to the office. From the local Mayor to the President of the United States, if you're mediocre, you've got to go. If you bring disrespect to the office, if the world laughs at us because of who is leading us, we've got a worldwide crisis.

As you go into the world and raise the future, or even just existing on your own, be better. Educate yourself, be involved, and vote. Make sure that you're holding yourself and the people in office accountable. And don't for once second ever allow yourself, or anyone else in our government to get to a place of "well, it's not that bad."

It is that bad. The greatest nation in the world wasn't built to be mediocre. Be better.