Tidying Up - Hunger Games Style

Ya’ll Marie Kondo is THE pop culture moment. Her book and her show on Netflix have inspired an entire movement. Simplifying clutter has been around for a few years but in late 2018/early 2019 with everything going on, we seem to have become addicted to minimalism and countering consumerism.

I love that life and I’ve been working to consume less, make smarter purchases and overall spend my money on experiences rather than things. Where I’d also like to extend this idea of tidying up is to the people we surround ourselves with.

The idea of what brings you joy very much applies to human relationships as well. We deserve peace, simplicity, and joy in the friendships we build with friends and family.

So let’s get Hunger Games about this idea of tidying up. If a person does not bring you joy, let them go.

I know, there are so many complications with that. From work to friends to family, sometimes you simply cannot remove yourself from a relationship entirely. But there are people who can be bid farewell. Do so. And then minimize your time with people who don’t bring you joy but are a necessity sometimes within your circle of life.

When you do this, watch how much calmer, simpler, and more joyous your life becomes.

When you remove the drama and negativity piece by piece, you are brought peace.

As I get older, I become less bothered by people who serve no purpose for me. On social media, I block people who are nothing but headaches. That’s the beauty of social media, we choose the content we engage with. In real life, when friends or family members bring me great stress, I limit my time with them, phase them out, or directly let them know the relationship is no longer working.

And I commit to it.

That’s what the biggest piece is - staying strong. If you are able to make these choices confidently and truly stick with them - that is where you will find the benefits. If you’re constantly stressing about the outcomes, what others think about you or these choices, you loose the opportunity to enjoy the benefits.

The Kids Call it WOKE

I grew up in a lovely little sheltered suburban community with more plant diversity than people diversity. Thankfully I had parents who exposed me to travel, an inner city track club, and spoke to me about being a good human. However, growing up I wouldn’t consider myself “woke” as the kids say.

Today there is a lot of pressure around being aware, involved and on the right side of history. And I’m here for that. I think its important to learn, grow, and be part of creating change. But I also don’t expect everyone to show up that way. We all grew up in different worlds with different levels of awareness. Often we aren’t “woke” until we take the time to force ourselves to be so.

I have not always been so aware and involved. I believe its important to say I’ve said horrible things before. Regardless of not meaning harm with my words, with joking, whatever the case may be, its wrong. I apologize for that, I understand where I was wrong. Chances are, a lot of us have been in the same boat. Where I believe the problem lies is with the constant need to shame people for who they were before they evolved.

It is entirely possible to start from a place of ignorance and choose to be better. When we constantly shame people for who they were while they’re trying to grow - it creates fear in them and prevents them from evolving. If you’re constantly told how horrible you are for who you were by a group that’s supposedly super “woke”, what’s the motivation to be part of that new circle? Personally, I welcome people willing to become a better person. I let them know the things that aren’t acceptable and help them understand where they went wrong in the past and then I help answer questions in a safe space moving forward.

We have to create safe spaces for learning and growing. Creating hostile communities for change only belittles the message and makes us just as bad as “the other side.” If you want to ask for change, equality, compassion - you must first embody that.

Living in Texas for two years, I encountered a lot of Southern traditional values. Including racism, homophobia, and sexism. And it breaks my heart every time. But I don’t get angry. I understand that in order to effect change, I have to be open to listening and having positive conversations. If someone isn’t willing to change, I wish them well and move on. Those aren’t the people who are going to change the world. Change will weed them out. But I’ll be damned if I am going to stoop to that level with hateful rhetoric. I’m going to be an open door for having the tough conversations, for asking the uncomfortable questions judgment free. Because THAT is how we encourage learning and growth.

We don’t all get it right the first time. I certainly haven’t always been the very model of what I believe and practice now and I’m sure there are STILL times I am not perfect, but I work towards it. And I welcome anyone else who would like to do so. I’m a safe space. Please feel free to come to me and know I’m not here to judge you if you’re open to learning and becoming a better person in the world. I’m grateful for you taking the chance to do so and I’d like to be someone you can trust in that process.

Namaste

At pretty much every job I’ve worked at, there has been a high intensity on edge feeling. I’ve always felt stressed, worried, and have a really hard time stepping away from constantly thinking about work. It was a never ending worry about being fired, being in trouble, or being so overworked I could barely survive.

Obviously that greatly affected my personal life. I was constantly exhausted, irritable, antisocial, even depressed. My entire life revolved around my work and the people in it. It was all consuming. And I honestly thought that would be my life forever. I didn’t know any different in my 11 years of being a professional.

I’ve been in my new role for about 3 months. The other day I was sitting on my couch and I realized how calm I felt. I wasn’t thinking about work. Not an overwhelming project, not a difficult coworker, not an unreasonable boss. I was truly existing in the moment I was in.

Now I understand that the first few months, even years of a job can feel like the honeymoon stages. I’ve had that briefly in other roles so I’ve taken these feelings with a grain of salt. However, the culture I’m in and the people I’m surrounded by who embody that culture have given me hope that this will last.

During the week I have flexibility, independence, and people who care about how I’m doing both professionally and personally. I have the freedom to craft my own schedule (within reason), to say I’m overwhelmed without being told “that’s just how it works,” and I’ve got the time and energy to get out and have a thriving personal life.

I can breathe.

There’s time in my life to regroup, take a moment, and reconnect with my center.

In the 11+ years I’ve been a grown up in the working world, I’ve never experienced that. I’ve never had all the pieces fall together. I experimented with what I could tolerate. Could I endure harassment for my dream job? No. Could I work 24/7 for a company I loved? No. Could I put up with a bad boss for good pay? No.

Not everything aligns all the time. I don’t think all the parts have aligned for my current job, but the pieces that have aligned create a puzzle that I fit into. I love the company, the people, the boss - all those things make anything else extremely minuscule on the negative scale. I feel calm. I feel happy. I feel content. And while it all doesn’t create my “perfect” dream job I built up in my mind, it’s redefined what I define as working long term for me.

I cannot emphasize enough how important the feeling calm is to me. It seems so simple and many of you very well may experience it every day. But I haven’t. I haven’t felt that level of content with a career. Where you feel happy, challenged, like you matter, just all the pieces FIT.

Sure, we all complain about our jobs. I’m highly skeptical when folks don’t have one single complaint about their job. I don’t think the whole every single day is perfect life really exists. But if you truly feel happy and the good days outnumber the bad, that’s a huge win.

If you’re like me and your career journey is nontraditional, feeling calm is honestly the biggest win of them all. I encourage you to continue to look for that win. Continue to sacrifice, dream, work, and motivate yourself to stay positive. It’s not easy. It’s ups and downs and anything but simple. People will tell you that you’re stupid. They’ll laugh. They’ll question everything about you as a professional. But they are not you. They don’t live with the journey or the experience. What works for them, it’s not for you.

I don’t know if the calm will last. What I think is most important to remember while I am here is that it’s possible. It’s not a pipe dream. It’s not a decade of taking risks for nothing. It’s real and I’m holding it in front of me. Nobody can take the dream away from me because I know it’s there. And even if it doesn’t workout every time, it’s there. It’s real. And I can make it mine.

Fountain of Youth

Never in my life have I been more invested in skincare as I am right now. I’m really lucky and have incredible olive skin. Essentially having one small zit every 6 months is really the worst that happens to me (knock on wood). I’m appreciative of that. However I’m not 22 anymore and I’m a highly expressive human. I’ve spent a lot of time in the sun (and le sigh, in tanning beds when I was young). I never took care of my skin in my 20’s. I’m 33 now, and that’s all changed. I’m committed to looking and feeling my best.

I’ve written about plastic surgery as well as injections in the past and here I am a year later still not ready to go that route yet. Again, I’m so here for that if its for you and eventually, I’ll get there. Right now, I’m not there.

But I am spending money on skincare products to look and feel my best. What you should know about me:

• Dry, sensitive skin

• Big believer in not spending thousands each month on products

• Not loyal to any one brand

• Lazy AF

That’s a really good background on me and how I spend when it comes to skincare. Here’s my general routine:

Morning: Cleaners, toner, exfoliant/antiaging serum, BB cream (with SPF 30)

Evening: Cleaners, toner, exfoliant/antiaging serum, retinol antiaging night cream, night eye cream

This is A LOT for me. To me, that’s 3,000 steps. But it’s basic enough that it’s manageable without making me get up earlier in the morning or commit too much time before bed. Now I do switch it up at night because retinol creams can be harsh on my sensitive skin. So I alternate between that and an antiaging serum paired with vitamin c serum.

Now to the meat of this thing, the products I’m loving right now (I’ve added in some outside my normal daily routine because I like to switch it up):

Cleanser

Aveeno Positively Radiant Brightening Cleanser (Target, $5.59)

I’m a huge fan of Aveeno products. They’re inexpensive and they are so gentle on my skin. I also use their makeup remover wipes. This cleanser is long lasting, gently exfoliates, and the bottle lasts me forever. I even bought a three pack on Amazon for $15 thinking I’d go through the bottle faster but one of these bad boys has lasted me 5 months.

Toner

Equate Beauty Deep Cleaning Toner (Walmart, $2.50)

Look, I’m not claiming this is the best toner on the market at $2.50 but it works really well for me. I’ve been using it for years and had no issues. Again, one bottle lasts me probably 3 months. A little goes a long way.

Exfoliating Liquid

Paula’s Choice Skin Perfecting 2% BHA Liquid (Paula’s Choice, $29.50)

A friend recommended this to me because she also has super sensitive skin. It’s the first Paula’s Choice product I’ve tried and I’m hooked. It’s made with simple ingredients, no frills packaging and safe enough for me to use twice a day. I noticed a difference in the softness of my skin as well as how bright my skin has been right away.

Antiaging Night Cream

ROC Retinol Night Cream (Amazon, $12)

This product has been around for decades. I love that it is constantly rated high on every product list and is still $12. You can really get it anywhere but for me, Amazon is easy. It’s effective and stands the test of time, which is good enough for me.

Eye Cream

Bare Minerals SkinLongevity Vital Power Eye Gel Cream (Amazon, $18)

I love Bare Minerals products so I tried out their SkinLongevity line and while the serum made me breakout, I’ve found success with the eye cream. It’s gotten rid of virtually all dark circles as well as made my eyes in general feel brighter and softer. I think it’s normally $25-$30 but I found it on Amazon for $18. It’s not just a night cream either so feel free to use this bad boy for your daytime cream too.

Antiaging Vitamin Night Serum

Derma e Antiwrinkle Night Serum (TJ Maxx, $5.99)

I first tried out Derma e products from my BirchBox sbscription and found I really enjoy them. I started seeing their products at TJ Maxx for anywhere from $5.99-$9.99 so I scooped them up. This night serum is a great trade off when I need a break from retinol which can be harsh on sensitive skin. It’s got a great consistency and gives my skin the vitamins it needs each evening. I top this off with their vitamin c serum as well.

Exfoliating Wash

ELF Gentle Peeling Exfoliant (ELF.com, $8)

I bought this on Black Friday when everything on ELF was 60% off. I LOVE IT.  I believe it was $8, but don’t quote me. It’s gentle on my sensitive skin but you can see and feel it working as the dead skin lifts right off your face and neck. Highly recommended for those of you who are too sensitive for intense exfoliating treatments at the spa but still need to get that refresh. I only use it maybe 2x a week max.

That’s it. That’s what I’m loving right now. I have a lot of masks as well as some other face washes but these are my tried and true go to products right now.

What are you using? Share with your friend sequins!

The Year of Maybe

In a earlier post I spoke about my recent commitment to the year of maybe.  It’s my own take on the whole Year of Yes concept that became so popular a few years back. I’m by nature a planner. Someone who needs security. And yet I’m also adventurous. In complete contrast again, I’m also a 33 year old who is saving and planning for my future. All of those things put together make me less likely to commit to saying yes more and more likely to go with a strong maybe.

What does that even mean? It means when I’d normally say no, I pause to consider longer if that no can become a yes. I hold onto the possibility of doing the thing rather than immediately dismissing the idea of it.

In practice it looks a little like this:

As much as I am an outgoing human, I very easily slip into the life of a hermit if I’m not actively working to bolster my social life. When I get into the pattern of staying home, it quickly becomes a lifestyle. I say no to social engagements and convince myself I’m exhausted and practicing self care when in reality it could be weeks at a time of staying home on the weekends before I realize that. I have made myself practice awareness to avoid that antisocial behavior. Instead of immediately making plans to stay in on weeknights or weekends, I consider the activity more openly. Maybe happy hour or a late night concert isn’t something I’d like to engage in, but a workout class or sorting event is.

A year of yes for me sounds entirely exhausting and unmanageable. I have a job that requires a lot of time and energy, I like making time for fitness, and self care me time is super important to my ability to function. I also don’t want to commit to a year of yes if its financially irresponsible. Again, I’ll go to Europe with you, but I’m not wasting thousands of dollars on a last minute flight. I want to plan for the best possible experience that maximizes smart money choices. It’s a maybe because I need to consider what makes sense from all angles.

For some people, a year of yes really works. It shocks the system to make a huge life change and has proven to be successful for a lot of people. I understand why it works and the appeal to committing to such a huge lifestyle change. I also fully accept that it would never work for me.

So who is the year of maybe for? It’s for the people who want to live a little, but are also not in a place to completely uproot their lives. Or maybe they are but just don’t want to. I’m genuinely happy with my life. I enjoy my job, my social circle - I have a lot more good days than bad. But I also know I’m young and in a place to do more, see more, be more. So saying maybe to the crazy things that come up allows me to pause and incorporate new experiences into my world with low risk.

The goal for me in saying maybe and consequentially yes instead of an immediate no is to get out of my comfort zone and find a better balance in my life. I tend to dive head first into work and push aside everything else in my world. I justify it in a million different ways from starting a new role to wanting to get promoted to honestly any and every excuse you can think of. And it’s all just that, excuses. It’s entirely possible and in fact very realistic to have a thriving career as well as a thriving personal life.

However, I think this year of maybe also applies at work. For most of us, we get very focused on our role within a company and we don’t explore other skill sets. I’m attempting to say I might have time for that other project so that I develop talents and potentially passions for other avenues in my career. A big reason that people wake up one day and realize they hate what they do is because they’re steadfast in the way they go about their job. Tunnel vision on the current role without the possibility of expanding elsewhere. When we finally come up for air, we realize how unhappy we’ve been. Avoid that. Explore the things your current company has to offer. If your current organization doesn’t offer you that opportunity, dedicate some time offline looking into what else you’re passionate about. That way you don’t wake up at 50 miserable.

One key part of The Year of Maybe for me is finding intention in who and what I’m saying maybe to. In the year of yes you’re supposed to essentially say yes to everything. I’m 33, I have a generally strong idea of who I enjoy spending time with and what I enjoy doing. Although it seems counter to the year of maybe strategy, I’m going to say maybe not to people more than I have in the past. If I know I don’t enjoy time with someone, I’m not going to play the game of “let’s get together” then cancel plans. I’m not going to say yes to the late night Tuesday concert because I know neither of these situations will make me happy. It’s having a strong understanding of what works for you and not giving into thinking you’re “supposed” to be doing anything. I get stuck in my mind that I’m still young I should be doing x,y, and z and that’s absurd. I’m only supposed to be doing what makes me feel fulfilled. Nothing more, nothing less.

If you’re looking for a medium level life change, consider a year of maybe. Some of us aren’t looking for an entire life upheaval, we want an enhancement on something that’s already working pretty dang well. I’ve uprooted my life countless times. Switched jobs, moved across the country, cut people off - I’d like to just add a filter to what I’m working with now. It’s all working but let’s just give it an Instagram beauty filter and call it a day. That’s why the year of maybe is something that works really well for me. What works for you?

Career Corner: An Update

I guess it’s time for a little career corner update. I’ve been a Googler (shout out Cloud team!) for about three months now. Practically a seasoned veteran.

Bottom line - I’m happy and I’m thriving. Let’s break it down.

Can I hack it?

All of the intense fears I had about not being good enough are all but gone. Being new to the tech world was a really intimidating thing. I didn’t know the lingo, the products, the way things are done - and I still don’t. But the best thing I was ever told was that I’ll never know. Tech is ever evolving. By definition that’s its job! And that’s my favorite thing about being in this industry. I cannot learn everything. There will always be a new training I can take or a new product to research. I cannot ever be the smartest person in the room because of how large this field is. When I said I don’t ever want to be an expert in anything, I certainly hope I meant it because here I am living that truth.

Life Balance

I watched one TedTalk on Work/Life balance being a sham and here I am drinking the Kool Aid. I buy into the fact that sometimes all your marbles live in the work bin and sometimes they’re rolling around in your party pants. Thankfully, three months in I feel pretty good. The first two months were a lot of studying. A lot of shadowing. A slow ramp up. All things I hate. But all very necessary to being successful in my role. Then here we are in January which has been the wildest Fast and the Furious movie yet. But I’m in the thick of it and I’m able to contribute to the team. We are all learning about some cool new changes together. AND I’m not the new kid anymore! There are days I’m exhausted. Sure that affects my personal life - yet most days I feel a reasonable level of stress and the ability to do what I need to do personally.

That Google Culture

Listen, I wish this was the moment I was able to give you some big expose on Google. I know I’m still new so in a year I could be sitting here thinking wow was I wrong (if you’re a regular reader, you’re aware it wouldn’t be the first time) but right now, I’m here for the vibe. I’m treated like an adult, with respect, kindness, inclusiveness - I didn’t know this was all a thing at a company. Sure, I have moments I get irritated, I don’t positively love every human I meet - but when this organization says you will be respectful, it damn well means it. My schedule can be flexible. As long as I do my job, the rest, that’s for me to design. Period. They really mean it. And the perks, yea, they’re pretty nice. I’m here for the googliness, I have nothing negative to say and I’m sorry you don’t get the Access Hollywood scandal, but I just haven’t experienced it.

The Role

When I first started I wasn’t sure if this was the role I had dreamed of. I was in all transparency not 100% sure of everything it entailed. Fun fact, neither was the team! It’s been an evolving ever changing role with a growing department. For me that’s not a new position to be in. It doesn’t bother me like it might someone who craves structure. I think it leads to a lot of really exciting possibilities and areas for me to grow. I’m also appreciated for the talents and experience I have. I’m encouraged to use those things to make the team stronger. I honestly don’t know what my dream role is anymore. But I know I’m happy, challenged, and I don’t dread coming to work. That’s more than enough for me.

To sum it all up - I feel like I’m balanced. Weird way to describe a new job but it’s all I’ve ever dreamed of. I’ve existed in roles I hate or companies I hate or surrounded by people I don’t respect and there’s never been just a balance of feeling calm and even and normal. I don’t have the intense Sunday scaries. I’m not looking at how I can get out of work. I’ll still always prefer to be traveling the world, but if I have to work until I win the lottery/marry rich - this gig will do.

Stay tuned…the adventure is sure to twist and turn and bob and weave and I can’t wait to see where it takes me.

As always, thank you for your support and know that your best adventure is out there if you’re willing to chase it!

All that glitters.

Is me. I am all that glitters. And I am solid gold.

I think the coolest thing about human beings is what makes them memorable. We all have quirks and characteristics that take us forever to own but that endear us to others immediately.

My whole life I have been a 12 on the energy scale. I defined extra before it became a worldwide meme sensation. I have been loud, bubbly, sparkly - since I can remember. Growing up there were plenty of times I tried to redefine myself.

I wanted to be the smart one. The serious athlete. The girly girl. The quiet mysterious type. Turns out, my inner ray of sunshine cannot stay cooped up long enough for me to be anything but a glitter cannon. At 33, I’m here to own that.

What does that mean? I talk too much, I want to be friends with everyone, word vomit is an everyday ailment. I’m a morning person, a night person, and I’m going to ask you 382 questions in between. I can’t stop smiling. If I’m not the host of the party, I will quickly become the life of it.

It also means I have high highs and low lows. I’ll spend the majority of my time surrounded by people and then crash. I don’t like to talk about myself. I’m often mistaken for dumb, flighty, surface level. I’ve been told more than once that I am a lot to handle. People either love me or hate me. There is no - “she’s okay.”

That’s a really large weight to carry.

I think a lot of people have figured out the art of blending into this world. I tried it and I have never failed more miserably at anything in my entire life. I cannot blend makeup, I cannot blend life. I’m a disco ball hanging from a ceiling full of fluorescent lights. Forever ready to sparkle and shine and bring the magic.

Instead of continuing to try to be more serious, quiet my voice, grow out of the glitter - I’m dripping in it. What I’ve learned is, it’s not on me to explain myself to anyone. I don’t have to provide a manual to understanding me. You get it or you don’t. You like me or you don’t.

There are so many things the world is telling us to be right now. Social media alone will tell you what it takes to be someone - the looks, the jobs, the lifestyle - it’s all right there, a guide to being “it.” A lot of the struggles of millenials and those growing up in the world come from existing in a place that puts your whole life in the spotlight. Kids and adults alike are struggling to fit in and also to remain true to what they feel and who they are.

Quite honestly, I’m not sure how well I would have been able to cope as a teenager in a world where my entire social life lives on the internet. It took me a good 30 years to accept my truth and the only social media struggles I experienced were who I upset over my MySpace top 8. There were no snapchat nudes. Nobody was screenshotting my text messages. If you couldn’t get me on aim or the house line, that was it. See ya at school tomorrow bud.

It’s really easy to lose your sparkle - or what makes you uniquely you - in a world that’s constantly surrounding you with ways to be anything but. I still have moments I struggle. Where I think I should look/be/feel/act a certain way. And it can all be solved by reconnecting with who I am at my core.

For me, reconnecting means three things:

1. Logging off the internet: All of it. No socials. No surfing online. Phone down. Laptop off. Tablet in its case.

2. Getting Outside: I love being outside. It reminds me how much there is to explore, how small I am, and how beautiful the world is. I go walking, running, on a hike or simply sit on a beach/deck/mountainside. Whatever I can do, I go outside and get some air.

3. Talk to my people: I allow very few people to be close to me. So when I do, its because they’re people I trust and know truly love me for me. We believe that without each other, life wouldn’t be as full. Those are the people I turn to. I am open about how I’m feeling and they spring to action. We talk about anything and everything and they’re the first people to say let’s go do something that makes you happy.

It can often be difficult to maintain that constant confidence in who you are, where you’re at, what you look like - it’s a lot of stuff to keep at center. Don’t expect that 100% of the time everything will align. Do know when you’re having a tough time seeing most of the good and reconnect with the things that get you back on track.

I am all that glitters. And everything that entails. And everything positive and negative people think about that. But the coolest thing about being sparkly, is that at my very core, you can’t dim that shine. It’s always there. It’s who I am. There’s a reason I was chosen to be made of sugar and spice and everything 2010 MAC glitter pigment line. I’m here to keep life on its toes. Glitter never goes away.

You’re here for a very wonderful reason too. Don’t forget that. Don’t hide it. Reconnect with it and show the world what you’re made of.

Ownership

It’s the beginning of the year, the holiday season is over, and it’s me - so I’m going to reflect! I talk a lot of past relationships and dating, but I don’t think I’ve ever really talked about me as a partner in the past. Buckle up kids - this is gonna be good.

Growing up, I was really insecure. I’ve been told I came off really confident, so props to me for that fake out when I was constantly unsure of who I was.  

Spoiler alert, when you don’t love yourself, it’s really hard to be successful in loving others.  

I was a really bad girlfriend in high school. I was jealous, played games, and was overall unfair. Back then, I didn’t see it that way, but now I laugh at what a lunatic I was. Ok I get it, in high school nobody knows what they are doing. We all think we are going to marry that person and ride off into the sunset. You can’t tell us anything different because you just haven’t loved anyone like we have. Pause for dramatic storm out.  

Thankfully I grew up. And I found a way to love myself. It’s taken awhile. And it’s not always been pretty. I have pushed people away, been a jerk, but I’ve also been a pretty decent catch.  

What I’ve figured out along the way is that at times when I’m not feeling my best self, my relationship doesn’t go well either. I’m a bad girlfriend because I’m being a bad partner to myself first. 

That’s deep right? Thought of it myself, thanks so much.  

 We spend a lot of time talking about those who did us wrong. Who were bad partners. There are so many fire memes about exes. But do we look at who we were in relationships?

Now if your mate was abusive or an overall POS, this isn’t where you try and look at where you went wrong in the relationship. Forget those people, that wasn’t you. That was them. Love you, mean it.

But chances are in at least one relationship, you might haven’t been the best either. Were you in a bad place? Unwilling to compromise? Unable to communicate? Unfaithful? It happens. It doesn’t make you a bad person or less of a catch.

Take the time to evaluate who you are in your relationships. The more self aware you are, the stronger you will be as a partner in the future. And when you are aware, you’re more in tune with what you’re looking for in a relationship. End result? You have more successful relationships.

Think about it. How often do you see your friends in bad relationships because they’re unsure of who they are, unaware of the bad partner they’ve been, and unwilling to admit to any of those things? I can think of at least three friends without missing a beat who I know will not have successful relationships until they confront the partner they  are.

I’ve been a bad girlfriend. I’ve been too busy, too insecure, too set in my ways. Knowing that now, reflecting on why I was that way, helps me to be a better person and partner now. It also has turned into me making better choices about who I date. When you love yourself and know how you deserve to be treated, you don’t settle for anything less.

Reflecting on painful breakups and relationships that caused you distress is not easy. It’s generally the past we prefer to bury away forever. I encourage you to drag it out anyways. Get really uncomfortable with your dark and stormy so that you can experience your bright and shiny.

Another Statistic

70% of Americans experience some sort of traumatic event in their lives. About 20% of those people develop post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Women are twice as likely to develop PTSD than men.

I’ve had PTSD brought up in therapy a number of times. I’ve always dismissed it.

In my mind PTSD belongs to soldiers. People who have experienced that level of trauma.

Recently my therapist sat down and spent time breaking down how PTSD is diagnosed in the mental health world. Very simply, its broken down into four quadrants with characteristics in each that ramp up to the overall category. They deal with things like sleep, nightmares, fears, among other things. To be diagnosed you can have as little as I believe two characteristics in any one quadrant (many are linked so its common to have one from multiple areas). I embody characteristics from every category. Multiple characteristics in fact.

All of that to be said, I have officially been diagnosed with PTSD.

And that makes me feel wildly insecure, a fraud, afraid - and also relieved.

I am insecure because while anxiety is a generalized common thing, its trendy. It’s been more normalized in the world. People talk about it openly. Companies have health care that allows you to manage it. PTSD is talked about rarely and often associated with the military. It’s a heavy weight mental struggle that to me says “I’m a little bit broken.”

I feel like a fraud for that very reason - men and women fight in war, they see death. Thy leave their families for extended periods of time and see the absolute worst humanity has to offer. How dare I claim to have something they suffer from? Who am I to say I have PTSD too when you literally put your life on the line.

I’m terrified because PTSD seems so much more serious and complicated than anxiety. It feels like a physical burden I am carrying around. I also hear horror stories about people who become seriously depressed - even suicidal as a result of PTSD. I don’t want that to ever be something I experience.

Lastly, I am relieved. To have someone show you everything you feel and give you an explanation for it lifts a huge burden from your everyday struggles. I’ve always known that my anxiety and tendencies aren’t easily wrapped up as an anxious person. The quirks I have, the way I am, it hasn’t felt explained by simply being labeled as generalized anxiety. Having a researched and very real diagnosis is something that gives me a way to move forward. I know what’s wrong and better yet, there are ways to not only cope, but thrive.

To be entirely honest - I wasn’t sure I wanted to share this diagnosis. The insecurities in me are screaming at me not to. Surely I’ll be judged, called crazy, considered far too damaged. While intellectually I know that isn't true, I’m human, I just want to be normal.

I’m just not sure what’s normal. I can’t be the only person who fits into this category. I’m probably not the only person who feels afraid of what it means. I can’t just be another statistic.

All of this sounds very depressing quite frankly. Its not meant to be. Because what I want you to get out of this is I am excited. I am happy. I am free. There’s a new world opened up to me that allows me to heal.

I believe that in telling my stories rooted in mental health, I have the ability to affect others. to show that mental illness doesn’t look any one way. It exists in the people who are the sparkliest most bubbly human beings on the planet. And that part of me is truly authentic. But this other side exists too. They don’t have to be mutually exclusive.

I may be a statistic, but I am also human. I’m a businesswoman, a friend, a lover, an athlete, a fierce feminist, I’m everything. I’m a statistic in the best possible way because I’m proving that you are so much more than what the world labels you as.

I hope that as I continue to share my journey with you, you’ll find it helpful and you’ll be a safe space. And I hope that I’m able to be a safe space for you too.

Career Corner: The Favor

In our professional lives we are going to have to call in a favor or two. Over years of building connections and relationships, the more opportunity you have to have people to reach out to. But there is a decorum to the whole thing. 

I rarely call in favors. I am of the camp that believes my hard work, reputation, and respect for others is what should carry me throughout this world. However, I also recognize that it’s who you know a lot of the time.  Pretty much most of the time. 

 And still, I won’t call in a favor unless the person meets the criteria I deem necessary to utilize the connection. They have to be someone I have more than a passing relationship with, they have to have the opportunity to know either my ethics or my work product, and I can’t have asked them for a favor in recent. 

Basically, be cool. Don’t overstep your bounds, and have respect for others. Everyone is busy, everyone needs something, and if you’re like me, you’re not willing to put your name behind just anyone who asks. 

Ive worked in roles and for companies that are pretty cool. With that comes people who want in on the action. I understand and have respect for the fact that I’ve gotten advice and help along the way and always try to offer help where I can. However, if you don’t respect my efforts, I am very quick to terminate that effort for good.

For example: LinkedIn is a really awesome networking tool. It’s a great way to stay on top of connections and the journeys they are on.  

I often get messages from people looking for me to connect them to someone, pass their resume through to a recruiter, or advice in a certain industry. And that’s a really good use of LinkedIn - if you do so respectfully and appropriately.  

I get a fair amount of those messages, and I’m a nobody when it comes down to it. But I try to take the time to respond to the honest messages because it’s polite to do so. If you’ve asked me a favor, and I’m not comfortable filling it, you owe me a response to say I appreciate you being respectful and I understand. If you ignore the time I took to respond to your innaprorpiate request, especially if I’ve offered to assist later down the road, you have lost the opportunity to have my help. If you continuously send me messages, assume I’m going to just “get you a job” - I won’t be helping you. 

 The point I’m hoping you’re picking up is that if you go into a relationship or request purely to get what you want, that’s not going to bring you success. It’s something people carry. You’ve got to provide a level of give to the take if you expect to maintain a long lasting connection. Be a genuinely curious person who wants to learn. 

Utilize your contacts because often times that truly is your only in. But be aware of the take and be sure to give back. Even if you don’t think you have anything to offer, you can offer kindness and appreciation. You can give back to those coming up behind you. 

Additionally, sometimes we only have an “in” with someone we may not have talked to in a long time, know very well, etc etc. It’s ok to reach out to that person but be honest with yourself and that person about what you’re asking and what you’re looking to get as a result. If I’m reaching out to someone who fits this description, I will often explain that I’m very interested in a role I know I’m qualified for but don’t have an in. While it may be innapropriate to ask for them to throw my name in the ring, it may be appropriate to say do you have any advice for how to get my resume noticed or someone I could talk to that may be able to give advice. Be realistic. Be respectful. 

Look everyone is trying to get somewhere. And we all need someone to help us. Whether we like it or not, we are going to have to make an ask at some point. If you want that ask to be successful, make sure to at bare minimum think about how you would feel if the same ask came to you.