Career Corner: Playing Nice

We all know the worst part about working is often the people. When you’re working in an office you’ve got to interact with so many different types of people in a day and its exhausting. But you’re at work, so you can’t tell Susan in accounting to go fuck herself. You’ve got to play nice.

As kids we were taught basic skills like keep your hands to yourself. Be nice. Really working as an adult is the same thing. You can’t touch anyone and you’ve got to find a way to not be an asshole. It’s just harder as an adult. The days are longer. Carol in sales is so annoying. Jim in marketing? Nobody cares about your frat lifestyle at 35 bro.

I wish this was the blog where I tell you, who cares, be a jerk, tell everyone off, it’s fine! Your career won’t suffer, it’s a big bold move! It’s not. You unfortunately have to play the game. You’ve got to play nice.

Here’s how we are going to get through this together:

1.       Accept it

You have to stop making excuses or justifying any bad behavior. Accept that being an adult in the workplace means playing nice. There’s no way around it. Even if you work from home, you’ve got to put on the nice voice on the phone. Just know the rules and understand there’s no way out.

2.       Treat Everyone with Respect

The basic rule is that everyone deserves respect. Whether you like it or not, you can’t be disrespectful. If someone is being blatantly disrespectful to you, have that conversation with the appropriate parties, but you can’t be an ass because someone else is. There’s a decorum and you’ve got to show respect

3.       Have the Conversation

If someone isn’t being nice to you, talk to them. Or talk to HR. Stop the problem before it starts. Don’t allow it to fester and don’t allow it to create some dramatic situation. Don’t gossip about it. Nip it in the bud. And if it’s truly just ridiculous, let it go. Some people are petty. Wish them well and move on.

4.       Check In

Give yourself a review. I think sometimes we get so caught up in our own work so we forget to check in and see if we are in fact being a nice person to work with. Not everyone has to like you but they shouldn’t feel disrespected by you or that you’re cruel. Always make time to check in with the people around you – especially during stressful times.

5.       Be Realistic

Look sometimes you’re going to snap. Sometimes you’re going to make that rude sarcastic comment. It happens. Be humble. Apologize when you need to. And let it go when its just not that big of a deal. Nobody is perfect. Aim to be kind but with the knowledge that sometimes you’re grumpy.

I’m the queen of the sarcastic dry humor. I like to poke fun at people. 98% of the time I’m sugar and sweet, but that 2% spice, that’s some extra shit that almost negates the 98% that was an angel. So realistically, this piece was probably for me. I get the struggles it takes to be nice sometimes. Especially when people are idiots. However, and this is critical, in the 3 million jobs I’ve had – I have learned that when you are nice, it makes the whole experience a lot better.

And if you’re still rolling your eyes, think of how small the world is. Especially the job industry. Chances are, somebody knows somebody. So, if you’re an asshole, eventually someone somewhere is going to remember that. And they’re going to say something. And it’s going to keep you from getting hired somewhere. I’ve seen it happen so many times. The world is a hell of a lot smaller than you think!

What have we learned today? Play nice. It’s good karma. It’s important for your career. And it’s incredible for your mental health and happiness at the office.

Thankful

Thanksgiving again? 2018 was fast and furious man. But here we are. And now I’ve got to write about what I’m thankful for. This year, as I embark on a new career journey, I am thankful for my ethics. Weird right?

Let me explain. I have really high standards when it comes to ethics. I believe in doing what’s right essentially 100% of the time. There are very few instances in which I’m willing to compromise my commitment to that.

It’s caused me quite a few issues in the workplace as well as in my personal life. And that’s been frustrating. It’s really hard for me to understand how anyone could not act ethically. I’ve lost out on good jobs, friendships, relationships – because I refuse to compromise that value.

I sort of always thought that would be my lot in life. That I was doomed to just have the uncomfortable situations where I refuse to compromise my ethics and I’m shamed for it or it causes me to lose out at work.

I was hired at my recent gig in large part because of who I am. My commitment to being authentic and highly ethical. I want to be a good human and do what’s right and finally, I’m somewhere that appreciates those things about me. Is it perfect in its own right every time? Absolutely not. And I’m willing to say they’ve got work to do. But the transparency and willingness to change is huge.

I am so thankful for it. I love these parts of me and I don’t ever want to have to compromise them for anyone. Being valued for them, feels so incredible.

I’d say to anyone out there who questions a quality about themselves, stop. Stay the path. Eventually, the thing that may be holding you back somewhere will be the thing that propels you farther than you ever thought possible.

I’m at a one of the largest most respected and sought-after companies in the world, and I haven’t compromised a damn thing to get there. I’m me and that’s enough.

Be thankful for the best parts of you that go unappreciated. Eventually, they’ll be what sets you apart in the best way. It’s not always the easiest process nor is it the quickest, but it’s worth the commitment to what matters to you. To being authentic to you and your highest values.

Along the same lines – I am thankful for the people in my life who have the same high ethics. The people who just really want to be better and do better for not just themselves, but for people they don’t even know. I see what you do each day to give back, to be kind to strangers, and to educate yourselves, and I appreciate you.

I am beyond thankful for you because you would never think to ask be to compromise my own ethics. In fact, a lot of you push me to be even better, and that’s incredible. I’m not perfect. I don’t aim to be. But I aim to be a decent human being and that’s important today.

Mostly I’m thankful for being able to appreciate these qualities in myself and others. I’ve become annoyingly introspective in a healthy way these days and it builds my confidence to know and love these things about myself. Unless you’ve lived the unhealthy criticism life, you don’t know how freeing and just plain good it feels to be able to acknowledge something awesome about yourself without qualifying it.

I know a lot of people sit around the table at Thanksgiving and talk about what they’re thankful for. I challenge you to go beyond the surface. Maybe doing it in front of everyone isn’t for you but take some time to yourself and think of what you’re most thankful for within yourself, and within the people around you. It doesn’t take long and it can provide you with a quick confidence boost (and probably mood boost) when you do. It’s the beginning of the Holiday season folks. Lots to celebrate. Lots to be thankful for. Lots to look forward to.

The Holiday season is definitely my favorite time of year (basic babes unite) because it allows me to reflect, set my intentions, and eat. Whatever, that last one is your favorite too.

What are you thankful for sequins? Let me know if you do something nontraditional during the Holidays to express gratitude. I’d love to hear about it!

The Story Continued...

Telling my sexual assault story was something I went back and forth on for a really long time.  It’s something that was really hard for me to share. I don’t enjoy talking about any part of it and I don’t think I owe anyone any part of it. It’s my story. My experience. And mine to deal with however I see fit.

But I also have a strong voice. And I’m an advocate for speaking up when it can help someone else. A lot of you reached out to me to offer support and share with me your stories. And for that reason, I want to continue the discussion.

I want to emphasize that in no way should me feeling the need to keep talking make you feel that I believe it’s the only way to do this. To survive is always enough. You get to choose how/when/if you share your story – and with whom to share it. I simply feel I can talk about it more and I want to. For my own selfish healing, and because I hope that even one person reads this and feels a connection that could help them.

I still haven’t shared my detailed story with anyone. I’ve shared pieces. And I think that’s the way it will always be.

While I understand talking about the physical act and the horrific nature of what happens can be a really eye-opening way to show just how awful sexual assault is; I choose to focus on the lasting mental effects.

Certainly the physical effects can be extensive. But what a lot of people don’t know is that experiencing sexual assault never leaves you. You don’t forget about it. You heal, but you don’t magically cease to have that part of you exist. It lives with you long after everyone else has forgotten it happened. And it comes back to you when you least expect it.

For me it shows up in my anxiety. I’m a bit irrational when it comes to safety. I am always planning an escape and generally suspicious of most situations. I don’t like large crowds. Personal space issues? I think I invented those. I’d definitely attribute these things to not just my assault, but it plays a large part.

Something I’ve noticed since sharing my story is that the people closest to me understand my anxieties just a little bit better. And that makes me feel less anxious. One of the hardest things about living with anxiety is that not everyone understands your triggers. Which in turn, makes your anxiety worse.

I also recently realized how much my confidence was affected by what happened. I lost respect for myself and doubted my value. And I made a lot of choices that weren’t a reflection of what I really wanted for myself. I projected an outward confidence that simply didn’t exist inside me. I hated who I was for a really long time and I allowed the opinions of others control a lot of my perception of myself.

Only recently have I invested in myself to correct my confidence issue. I’ve spent a lot of time and money to go to therapy, journal, reflect – you name it, I’ve tried it. It’s made such a huge difference. I cannot imagine not loving myself ever again. I cannot imagine making decisions to do things I don’t want to do. And I cannot fathom allowing other people’s opinions to dictate what I think of myself.

All that to say – being a survivor of sexual assault makes you a complex person. Even more complex is that no two stories are the same. So, the after effects are not the same. Every story is truly unique. But nothing about is simple. The story doesn’t end when the assault ends.

Tough as Nails

This one is for the introspective folks. The ones who are hard on themselves to the point of emotional abuse. The people who are constantly evaluating themselves. The folks who put themselves down in a way they’d never ever take from anyone else.

I’m type A. Like if there’s an A+, I’m that. I’m a born and bred athlete. An overachiever. A perfectionist. I’m all these things and more. And while I am such a cheerleader for everyone else - I am such a bully to myself.

I’ve got this thing I say to friends when they’re hard on themselves:

“HEY! Stop being mean to my friend!”

But as I’ve been in therapy, the more I’ve discovered, I am the exact opposite to myself. I’m seriously kind of an asshole to myself.

I call myself not good enough. I’m not smart enough. Funny enough. Wealthy enough. Thin enough. Muscular enough. Driven enough. Achieved enough.

And I’ve had enough.

I’m sure we’ve all heard this:

You are deserving of the love and respect you give to others.

And we are. But breaking a cycle of abuse is not easy. When you’re in your head abusing yourself, there’s nobody else in there to stand up for you. It’s literally you vs you. I think self abuse is the hardest to break. Most of the time, we don’t realize the extent to which we do it.

I’m not even the one who noticed how abusive I was to myself. My therapist started to take note of how I spoke about myself. How I qualified any positive attributes and highlighted negative ones. How qualities I portrayed as negative in fact were anything but.

It turns out, I don’t think that highly of myself.

And that’s kind of sad because I’m a pretty dope person. I’m kind, caring, loyal to an extreme degree, and you know what? The list goes on and on.

Women especially are bred to downplay our qualities. At work, at home, we are taught to be humble. To give credit to the group. To put ourselves second.

I’m a strong independent feminist and I am still the biggest victim of this lifestyle.

I want it to stop though. Because I am worthy of the intense amount of love and support I give to other people. I deserve to say I’m smart. I had a really good idea. I crushed that project. I’m a good person. I’m beautiful - both inside and out. And I deserve to say those things out loud with no qualifications.

I have bad days where I hate everything about me. And sometimes I have to fight myself to stop doing that. I have to distract myself. It’s a constant internal battle not to let internal Ashley be an asshole to the Ashley in the world who is pretty damn great.

I think at the end of the day, I’m type A+. I’m always going to struggle with this. And I’m grateful for that. Because the qualities that are bad, they also allow me to achieve all the great things I have. You don’t get to be a Division One athlete by being easy on yourself.

But it’s acknowledging when those things are healthy and when they’re unhealthy. It’s healthy to say Ashley, stop being lazy, get outside and get your workout in because you know fitness makes you happy. And it’s not ok to say Ashley you’re fat, you’re ugly. That’s not only wrong, its not helpful.

Start to identify the language that’s not helpful. Write it down. Tell yourself to stop. And keep practicing that. Ask your friends to stop you when you’re bashing yourself. It’s possible to train yourself to change. Eventually, you even start to believe the positive things you tell yourself.

Being tough as nails is awesome. Part of being tough is learning to say no to the bully that lives inside of you. There are enough people in the world who are going to tell you no. Who will criticize you and put you down. You cannot control those people. You can control yourself.

Be tough enough to love yourself more than you hate yourself.

What a Weirdo!

I’ve been called weird a lot in my life. I’m loud, sparkle obsessed, lack a filter — the list goes on. People call me weird.

I’m here to tell you:

Whatever makes you weird, that’s your greatest asset.

Read that back. And own it.

I’m known for being extremely into glitter, sequins, anything sparkly. And I’m 33. I’m not a 5 year old watching Frozen. I’m a grown woman obsessed with all things that shine. It’s weird. And it’s also dope.

My sparkle is my asset. It’s what makes me resilient, passionate, HAPPY, and fiercely myself. It sets me apart. It’s what makes me a little weird but also when people think of sparkle, they think of me. And it makes them smile. It makes me unique. And it’s my superpower.

We all spend so much time trying to fit in. Of course we want to be well liked and some of us even want to blend in. But if there’s something that makes you a little weird, but that wholeheartedly makes you feel authentically you — embrace that quality. It’s what’s going to give you a leg up in life because it’s what you’re the best at.

If you’re really into science, random trivia, drawing cartoons - own that. There’s a place for that in the world and because its what you’re passionate about, you’re going to excel at it. And somebody somewhere, they’re going to need you for it.

Think about it — if we all look the same, act the same, love the same — where is the opportunity to thrive? You thrive because your weirdness is uniquely yours. And it can’t be replaced. So it’s your greatest strength.

I get it - some other person out there is wildly obsessed with shiny things like I am. But they don’t act on that in the same way I do. We don’t have the same personality. So how that weirdness shows up for me isn’t how it shows up for them. Our assets are just a little bit different.

And the difference is what makes us really awesome. It’s what you can contribute to the world. It’s how you leave your mark. And fuck anyone who says differently.

When someome tells me I’m weird, I thank them. You know who you don’t forget? The weird one. I’m not easy to forget because I’m weird.

People who don’t appreciate weird, they’re not for me. I don’t want to see another average Joe. I want to know what makes your face light up. What keeps you up late at night because you can’t put it down. What gets you going in the morning because you can’t wait to get back to it.

We have a world right now that’s absolutely breaking down people who aren’t the same. You have to be American, white, male — or we have to build a wall. We have to deny you citizenship. We have to say you’re weird and different and you’re wrong.

YOU’RE NOT.

The differences — the weirdness — that’s what keeps us going. It’s what keeps us thriving. It’s how we create greatness. Embrace your weird. Never apologize for it. And find out what makes others weird, and celebrate that.

Your weirdness is your greatest asset because its what you’re really really good at. It’s your niche market. Your greatest skill. Don’t lose it. Don’t hide it. Don’t apologize for it.

Show the world your freak flag man, it’s got the potential to make the world a better place.

Educated

A lot of the problems that we face in society are due to a lack of education. Most people that carry around close minded, often bigoted viewpoints, do so because they are not educated. Schooling in America is broken. Teachers lack vital resources. Often times we can't even get kids to show up. And for whatever reason even in the classroom, we aren't teaching life skills necessary to coexisting.

We also have college educated adults who don't know a damn thing about life in the real world. I firmly believe that it doesn't matter where you are in life, you should always be learning. And not necessarily textbook learning. We are stuck politically and socially because people know nothing about other people and other situations.

If you're not spending time each day learning, you're failing.

I get it, everyone is busy. But we each have a responsibility to be better citizens. And time is no excuse for not learning.

Podcasts

Everyone has a commute, time at the gym, time at your desk, etc. Commit time each day to listen to a podcast wherever you can fit that in. There are so many options when it comes to content, there's no excuse not to find something you will enjoy. Between crime, politics, pop culture, history, honestly the list is endless.

Recommended: Ear Hustle, What You Missed in History Class, Pod Save America, Left Right and Center, Ted Radio Hour, Stuff You Should Know, 50 Things that Made the Modern Economy

Books

Weird, books still exist? YES. And they exist in many forms. I still go to the library where they're free but you can buy them anywhere and read them in digital form if you must. Additionally, you can even listen to books on audio so you can enjoy them as you would a podcast! Mix up your genres. It's cool to learn politics and social issues but reread some of the books you read as a kid because they actually make sense now.

Recommended: The Tipping Point (Malcolm Gladwell), American Government 101 (Kathleen Sears), What you should know about politics but don't (Jessamyn Conrad), Redeployment (Phil Klay), 1984 (George Orwell), The Hate U Give (Angie Thomas), Nickel & Dimed: On (NOT) getting by in America (Barbara Ehrenreich), To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lee), We Should All Be Feminists (Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie).

Talk

Spend time talking to people who are nothing like you. Have a friend who's deeply religious and you are not? Sit down and ask them questions. Are you a white woman? Speak with someone who is black or Asian or Latina about their everyday experiences. Find someone who is comfortable having an awkward conversation in a safe space. The more you ask the questions we all have but don't often know how to ask, the more you learn about what its like to be someone who is not you.

Recommended: Meet with people who have different political, racial, socioeconomic, gender, sexual preferences, etc. Come prepared with questions and really listen. Don't come in ready to challenge their way of thinking. Come in ready to take in everything they have to say and really think about that based on how they grew up and how they experience life. Then, meet again and discuss your differences and follow up questions you may have. Educated discussion is always a good idea.

Take a Class/Attend a Lecture

There are so many University classes online and in person as well as free lectures you can sit in on. Universities are breeding grounds for learning. I think now more than ever students are looking for information to become more informed. I'd say most public universities are more liberal while private (unless they're arts based) can tend to be conservative. Topics are diverse and bonus is that you'll be sitting with people from various backgrounds who provide different viewpoints on the discussion. Check out colleges in your area and look to see what they're offering.

You'll notice I didn't put the news on here. I get it, the news is a great resource for what's going on in the world. For me, it's hard to find a lot of unbiased news. Certainly be informed and aware. Personally, I prefer to be on Twitter, to add google alerts, and then read news reports with a grain of salt. We all know not to watch Fox News because that's not actually journalism. Stay up to date on news as far as it provides you what's happening. But do your best to research those announcements so that you're able to form educated and informed opinions on them.

What else do you do to encourage learning? Where are you expanding your knowledge? There's not really a wrong way to learn as long as you do so with an open mind and as often as possible.

Open to More

I have not always been so informed. I have not always been as vocal regarding political and social issues. I admit I have said and thought ignorant things in my life. And I’ll probably misunderstand a few more.

There came a time when I would be in conversation and honestly not know enough to give an opinion. Or I would form an opinion without ever really understanding another viewpoint.

Full transparency, I didn’t get Black Lives Matter and I was opposed to kneeling for the national anthem. I didn’t get it and I was immediately offended by both of these things.

I don’t know the turning point but eventually I started having open conversations with people who thought differently than I do and I asked really honest uncomfortable questions. Thankfully I was able to speak with people who didn’t get defensive or angry, they appreciate my eagerness to see things from another perspective. And the more I learned about both of these things, the more I changed my mind.

That’s the key to what’s happening right now. Instead of focusing on learning other perspectives or listening to new views — we want to be right. We want to win. And when we lead from a place of competition, we all lose.

Quite frankly, the reason we are so “divided” is because a lot of people refuse to accept truths. I used to think it was divide of political opinion, but now I realize it’s a divide between right and wrong. Those claiming it’s a divide politically, they’re wanting to justify their hate and that’s how they do it, by pointing fingers at the group they’re oppressing.

The truth? Slavery was widely accepted. Not allowing women to vote, widely accepted. Not allowing gays rights, again almost unanimously accepted at one time. The people who fought against these ideas, they were called traitors, troublemakers even. Disruptions to the norm. But enough people got together to talk about it that soon change started to occur.

The truth about America? We were built by a group of white men who governed in favor of white men. There’s no mention of women in the Constitution at all. Certainly persons of color were not given equality. So the system we built - I hope it’s broken because it was broken from the start. America wasn’t built to protect everyone. That’s what we fight for. It’s also really important to understand the difference between when things like women being allowed to vote occurred and black women were allowed to vote. Persons of color do not have the same experiences and get afforded the same rights just because it becomes a right for white people. Same with other minorities like Native Americans and Asians.

I think a lot of people in my life have seen my transition from passive to active as annoying. And I think that’s such a privileged way to look at things. I am very privileged. Certainly I have my struggles as a woman, but I’m a white woman, so I still am afforded some luxuries women of color are not. And I feel passionately about being on the right side of it all. I care a lot about equality for myself and for the people around me. And that’s why I’ve chosen to get educated and speak up.

To this day, I’ve got a lot to learn. And while I probably won’t agree with every social/political issue in the liberal world, I do tend to lean more liberal socially. Fiscally, you might find yourself surprised to know I’m a bit more conservative. For me, each issue is its own issue. And it’s not necessarily about siding Republican or Democrat.

I’m open to more than the defined roles we’ve been given.

Now I’m also not ignorant to thinking I can vote third party and our problems will be addressed. Quite frankly, I’m voting Democrat right now as much as possible because the GOP has created such a horrific environment that we need a shake up to get back to neutral. I’m voting blue across the bord because I have to. We can’t afford to continue letting the GOP remain in charge. I am honestly disgusted with anyone who thinks differently.

The point is - be open to more than you know now. I can’t stand hearing Americans complain about illegals and politics and politicians and yet you don’t vote. And you don’t know anything about politics or social issues. There’s no excuse for that level of ignorance. If you don’t vote and are able to - you define privilege.  And its unacceptable. Your opinion is unnaceptable and you don’t get to have it if uou don’t vote.

Be open to listening to people who are nothing like you. Be open to learning and forming your own opinions based on real research. Be open to evolving. Just be open to more.

You’ll never have too much information. You’ll never be an expert on it all. You will always be able to talk to more people, learn more, and become a better citizen of the world around you.

And if people are open to change and learning, embrace them for it. Stop shaming folks who used to be in the wrong and have been brave enough to want better. I’m sick of this competition that makes you better because you “knew from the start.” It doesn’t encourage change and acceptance when you bully others who want to get there simply because they took longer. Help them so you can help America. 

If this horrible situation has taught us anything, it’s that we all might have been a bit ignorant to the real America. Like a lot ignorant. And we cannot afford to ever go back. Be open to more.

It's a No from me Dawg.

When I left LA, I left with a whole lot of feelings for a man I reconnected with. It took me a good two years to finally close that chapter of my life. But boy did I slam that door shut.

I don’t think he reads this, so I feel safe in talking about it because I think it’s a story that many women can relate to. And if he does read this, whatever, I’m going to write it anyways.

Full transparency - we were never anything “official” as the kids are calling these days. We existed in this weird ambiguous role that I think a lot of our generation exists in when it comes to romance. We both knew the feelings were there, but circumstances made so it didn’t work. At least, that’s what I liked to tell myself.

The more I examined the situation, the more I realized I loved the idea of blaming it on timing and living in different states. The truth is, when we both lived in LA, I made an effort to make it happen, and he didn’t reciprocate that effort. I started to look at who made contact and who really put themselves out there and you know what I found? That was me.

It seemed the only time he was willing to be open about his feelings for me was when he felt safe doing so. As it turns out, that was when I moved far away and sigh when he had a girlfriend. Yes folks, he slipped into the DM’s at one point. Even tried to excuse it as just a friend complimenting a friend (I cannot roll my eyes any harder).

That was it for me. And while I should have just hit the block and walked away, I didn’t. I was extremely open and adamant about his unacceptable behavior, the way I felt I was the only one who ever really put that effort in, and that his excuses were bullshit. Because they were. The situation he put me in, put his current girlfriend in, it wasn’t cool.

Let me tell you, that — felt — MF amazing. AND THEN - I hit that block.

Am I over him and the situation? Probably not yet. I still have that nagging feeling of what could have been. But knowing he had a girlfriend and acted that way with me shows me that he isn’t the man I need him to be. And he’s not deserving of a woman like me in the stage of his life he’s in. I’m not sure when that feeling goes away - the one we women tell ourselves “he’s going to come back and apologize and be wonderful” — Again eye roll for miles!

What’s the lesson here? First of all, if he slips into your DM’s, run. JK JK - but seriously who does that?

Second - know your worth and don’t settle for less. Put your pedicured foot down and say not today Satan. Either treat me with the respect and care I deserve or get to stepping so someone else can. Because someone else WILL. You teach people how to treat you.

It’s hard and ripping off the bandaid sucks. I’ve wanted to reach out countless times since I blocked him and say something about how he made me feel and to not lose that connection. Maybe to prove to myself his feelings were real? Maybe even to prove to myself he cares. Truth bomb though? It doesn’t matter. It won’t change anything. So I don’t. I move on. Day by day. LOL at how dramatic that sounds.

I think as women, especially as we get older, we make excuses. We start to think we are too picky or worry we are limiting our chance at happiness. So we settle. Stop it. Stop making excuses and stop settling. Don’t romaticize the situation when there’s nothing romantic about it. He’s not leaving her for you. He’s not changing who he is for you. You know when you’re doing it and you know what you have to do to stop it. So do it.

If you know me well, you’re probably surprised by how much I’m like you in the fears and insecurities I have with relationships. I come off as very strong, confident - and yea - I MF AM! But I’m also human. And I think the more women say to each other “I feel that too,” the more we normalize our fears and learn to combat the negative affects they can play in our lives. We put up with less shit when we have friends who say “I’ve been there, let me help you.”.

Always remember — Woman up and do what’s best for you.

Women at Work

In a previous role, I experienced quite a bit of harassment. It was an old boys club through and through. Led by the most insecure and unprofessional manager I have ever had. I lasted about a year and a half before I finally spoke up and confided in another man in the company what I had been experiencing outside of the normal “bad boss” situations.

And you know what happened? He went directly to that manager and the next day, I was called in and they let me go. Sure - they knew they were in the wrong, so money was exchanged as a “severance” of sorts, but realistically, we all knew what it was.

Unfortunately - I think this is a commonplace in many industries. The behavior or men and the way women are treated is often excused. Women are told we are manufacturing these situations, overreacting, or blatantly lying. And I think even worse than the men who commit these acts are the men who watch it happen and say nothing.

I lost all respect for the man who had an opportunity to help right a wrong and instead chose to participate in making it worse. He is part of the problem.

More and more we talk about a see something say something mentality. I don’t think we are there yet. I’d love to believe we are, but I just don’t see enough men stepping up to say woah, this is wrong. And so the cycle continues. Especially in industries dominated by men.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat in a room as the only woman and listened to men make inappropriate comments, gestures - and not one other man said anything.

You would think in today’s world, men would start to stand up. Especially because there are so many good men out there who believe in equality.

I watched the Dallas Mavericks allegations unfold and it gave me hope. The women who came forward are so brave. I wish I had done the same, but I didn’t.

Seeing more and more people take a stand against inequality and harassment in the workplace gives me so much hope for future generations. It’s exhausting to be a woman at work. We are paid less, hold less executive positions, and often receive less respect in general. Anything that we can do to start to say (and show) this won’t fly - we should be doing those things.

In my own way — when I’m working with vendors, I try to make sure I’m doing so with companies that are ethical. If I see a post on LinkedIn from a vendor that conveys a poor image or represents ignorance, I’ll make a mental note not to work with them. Because ethics in business matter to me.

At the end of the day you shouldn’t have two different identities - work and play. If you’re a sexist bigot at work, that’s who you are in life. The man who chose to handle my situation the way he did, he’s not a good person. You don’t get to excuse who you are at work as “just business.”

I believe women make up 51-53% of the population right now — so the more we speak up, the more you should too. If only to understand, there are more of us and we are angry. We won’t be silenced. Who run this?

Girls.

Diary of an Anxious Person, Part 328423

Prior to my recent commitment to therapy, I had in fact gone to therapy in the past. I had even gone on a semi regular basis at one point. But what I now know is that while you can physically go to therapy, unless you're willing to be truly open and honest, it doesn't mean anything.

So while I thought that I was working to find tools for managing my anxiety, I wasn't. I wasn't laying everything on the table and talking about past traumas nor opening up enough to really understand why I have anxiety and what triggers it.

More recently I've opened up to my therapist more than I ever have with anyone in life. And what I've begun to understand is that carrying my burdens on my own only makes my life harder. You cannot outrun your own story. Each experience shapes how you think, act, and feel. And until you start to talk about those things, you won't be able to control your own demons.

As a teenager and into my 20's, I was sick a lot. I was hospitalized, had multiple surgeries, and rarely felt healthy. That time was also when I experienced my greatest traumas and had my most unhealthy relationships. There's a link there I never took the time to understand. Doctors always told me my immune system was the problem. So I believed them. Realistically, what I was experiencing mentally was absolutely affecting how my body reacted physically.

There are numerous studies correlating mental and physical well being. It's not hippie voo doo philosophy, it's scientifically proven that what you think directly affects how your body feels. We see it in serious illnesses and we see it in mental illness. It's fact. Kind of like global warming folks. Stop pretending it's not a thing. It's a thing.

Back to me. The more I grow and take steps to manage my mental health, the more my physical health has responded. I used to get pneumonia/bronchitis every year without fail. The flu was something I experienced multiple times annually. Surgery used to be an annual tradition. I haven't had surgery since 2008. I just got pneumonia for the first time in probably 2 years. The flu? Don't know her. And I am a big believer that unburdening my past, trusting my therapist to help guide me with dealing with those things, has led my immune system to follow. I'm mentally healthier so I'm physically healthier too.

In fact - a month or so ago, when I was struggling with mental balance, I noticed my body was off too. I'm more in tune with this correlation so it's easier for me to adjust my self care to bring back more balance to my body.

For whatever reason, even when we are speaking with experts who's job it is to manage our mental and physical health, we lie. We hold back vital information. We are embarrassed to tell these professionals the entire truth. And that's absurd. Do you really think your doctor and your therapist haven't heard it all? Better yet, how do you expect to get a proper diagnoses with steps to healing if you're not being truthful about what you're going through? I get it, we all fear judgment. But we are all in that same boat. And we all have some weird times in our lives. The good news? Legally, these people have to keep your quirky behavior private. Even better news? Sharing all of that information with a professional, that literally relieves a huge weight from your chest.

I've had so many things to address with my therapist that I think I have held back less out of embarrassment and more out of pure exhaustion. I leave sessions emotionally and physically drained. It's not an easy process to be totally exposed with a stranger. The work and the pressure is entirely on me. She acts as a guide to take me to places I might never have gone to before, but it's 100% my responsibility to do the homework and take the steps to recovering and being healthier in the future.

I can't sugarcoat this part of therapy and living with mental illness. It feels like I haven't slept, ran a marathon, and have 48,000 more assignments to complete before tomorrow. The feeling doesn't pass easily. It doesn't lead me to some moment of clarity where the world gets easier and I'm cured. It's a roller coaster and it always will be. But you do start to notice that things get a little easier. And that your mood becomes more even. Anxiety becomes just a smidge more manageable. It is a quicker recovery when I do have moments of panic.

What I can say is without committing to this complete openness, I wouldn't be able to sustain a healthy life. I would continue becoming sick. I would not live a normal life. I quite frankly would grow worse and worse unless I finally took a stand and said all in or all out.

I understand mental illness is diverse and its not easy. Every story is different. Some harder than others. Some of us don't cope well. It's not your fault that you have this burden to bear.

It is however on you to take responsibility for it and to do everything you can to overcome.

We are all born with (as I like to call them) extra features. They are the pieces that might not be the highlight reel of our stories, but they are nevertheless part of who we are.

You don't get a pass because you're suffering from something. We are all going through something.

I encourage you to figure out what concoction of medicine, therapy, activity, etc that works for you. It's your responsibility to get out there and figure out what your perfect cocktail is and mix it. Nobody ever promised an easy life. The good news is, if you're dealt a difficult card, you've got the opportunity to make it easier.

The choice is yours sequins! Are you going to make excuses or build the tools to succeed?